Week 4 - Flo Real vs PiE - PIE WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 4.
Greetings competitors, we move to a fairly standard challenge this week, in response to the number of no-shows and the fact that some people claimed to have struggled with the last challenge. LEGAL LATIN WEEK, you are required to write in response to the short phrase you are given. The Latin thing is just to make it slightly more interesting than a regular phrase. You can treat this writing exercise the same way you would treat writing to a quote topic etc if you want to. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.


Specific Task - Void ab initio

Due Date - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 11:59 PST


Good Luck Flo Real PiE

[PiE]

Wed isn't a date, it's a day. ijs, that could be very confusing.

http://Netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10035
http://Netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10029
http://Netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10033
http://Netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10034

[Flow]

Ext?

[PiE]

til tomorrow is okay with me...

[Flow]

The term 'void ab initio' means 'to be treated as invalid from the outset'. This refers to a document that is void, useless and worthless.

My dad always saw me as a birth certificate, a useless document,
Legally bound by accident which in his words was a compliment.
He couldn't get rid of me like herpes.. is what he used too say to me.
Cus if he left my mother she would still expect that cheque, rain or shine you see.
I remember nothing I did was good enough... so I was bad instead,
I'd get in trouble reguarly an was used to a heavy slap across the head.
But the one that stands out was a tattoo, he wasn't exactly vicious though
It was the words brave in latin but he never had a go....
.....he just asked why it didnt say void ab Initio.
But listen yo, for all the devastation he caused he always said I really flowed,
And angry accusations are aching aberrations along the road....
.....so the name flo real is really owed.
Not to say it's owned by him, I'm his creation, his worthless document exposed
Which is why you will pick up on the power, anger and will to prove myself in my flows
he's dead now which isn't a massive loss but has had me sad of late
Cus if I hadn't been kicked down I never would have learnt to stand up to hate

My son is a miserable failure, a piece of paper that I can't seem to shake.
Later in life he got his big break, but for the time I was alive he was just a mistake.
To rate him as a person is hard, he had one good side but thats just his fathers half.
It makes me laugh thinking about his attempts for my heart, I bet I left that kid extreamly scarred.
But I taught him right, showed that pussy how to fight, he was such a baby..
I taught how you don't take shit from no punk an how you never ever hit a lady.
Maybe I wasn't that bad after all, I don't think he did all that bad at school.
We played pool an darts, acted the fool an sparred, to be fair it was pretty cool.
An the boy could spit some sick ass rhymes, I think i told him once or twice..
But he was always a burden in my life, I paid the price for having it off with my wife.
I'm the reason he's called flo real, so he must really have looked up to me.
I just wished that when he flowed, he really had flown away from home, I'm serious... Really!
It's not that I disliked the boy, just for the price he cost I gained no joy, ya know?
To me that boy will always be.... My very own walking talking void Ab initio.

[PiE]

She was perfection, sinful allure without the demon's reflection
Even her essence was sexy enough to give my penis erections
Dreamy, but reckless... meaning objectives were never reached, just suggested
She waits for easier lessons or someone to take her needy directions
Not really my type, until I was liked for a posting I made
I Facebook as a stock trades crook and I was lonely that day
The posting was fake about knowing more ways for increasing your wealth
With a statement that read, "I'm making too much money and in need of your help!"
Schemes that were felt by the working class that hated they're lives
Which probably includes you; feel free to email me for some shady advice
Seminars I created supplied an ego boost for the passive
All for just $99.95 and a Starbucks gift card's included with package

A woman named Tina asked for more info and to talk for a moment
I saw her picture and thought I'd give her my little dog in a Trojan
She came to my seminar wearing a dress that's revealing
Sat in the front seat, excited and jumpy, which made her extra appealing
Very flirty, but nothing dirty so I could treasure the feeling
But then somebody from the back starts humming Marvin Gaye 's Sexual Healing

That's how it started, now it's retarded like my mind had collapsed
Inside of my lap and right after that marriage is what I had to ask
Fighting the facts of her being a bitch who's just lying for cash
And every day she wakes me up for work, she reminds me I'm trapped
It's only the first year and all my worst fears have been given a name
And it's Tina, the bitch that's insane within her sinister reign
I do a background check to see if there's any secrets for courts
As I search for any legitimate legal means for divorce
The company investigating Tina sends me a file that was scary
Her real name is Tyler, Mary, who has a husband while we are married
Along with a big family of two boys and a girl
No more confusion for her amusement; I'll be destroying her world
I discover what's been bought with the money she's taken
Because her real name has good credit that the other's been banking
She's purchased two cars, clothes and improvements to a home near the park
I'm sniffing coke from the start, thinking; this'll be where I go after dark
I go and blow up the cars since I've paid for them both
But first, I park them in her garage for my "I HATE YOU"approach
She comes home later that night, saying her mother is sick
Tina/Mary rubs on my dick, while wanting money for this other bullshit
I let her suck me with spit lubricating this attacking of sex
This action is bliss as I skull fuck her for that gagging reflex
Smashed her head against the table while I lounge on my couch
She takes the abuse plus swallows it all; nothing comes out of her mouth
While she shivers with shaking, I answer and give her a maybe
Knowing that this is just faking, but I'll let her finish charading
She ran to the kitchen like crazy and her dinner's amazing
I eat up the food and beat up her cooch without the kisses I'm hating
She goes to the restroom like she's in the best moods to collect my checks like employment
She gets back in bed, I slap the file on her head saying, "THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN VOIDED"
"YOU ARE A SHITTY ANNOYANCE, I CAN GET RID OF AT LAST
THANKS FOR GIVING SOME ASS, BUT TELL THE OTHER TYLER'S YOU'RE A BITCH WITH NO CASH!
NOW GET OUT MY PAD, PICK OUT YOUR BAGS AND PACK ONLY THE SHIT THAT YOU HAD
YOUR HOUSE EXPLOSION WAS MY PLEASURE AND THE ONLY GIFT YOU CAN HAVE
AND TELL YOUR MOM, SHE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE; SUCKING MY DICK TO BE GLAD!
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I'LL PAY THE HOSPITAL BILLS ON HER TAB"

[Certain]

Flo Real: You have a strong mind for how to approach topics. I really liked the idea behind this take on what was probably the best topic of the week. But I thought you were way too direct about it. From the opening line, you were screaming at the reader to make the connection between the topic and your story. That's not necessary; we can connect the dots. Using the phrase itself twice in your verse was just being way too overt. In general, I thought the writing was too basic and on-the-nose, and your rhymes were still too simple. I did like that you gave both sides of the story, but I thought you could have done more to interchange, maybe six lines of each, going back and forth. I think in time you have the ability to be an elite-level writer because your natural word selection and creative approach to topics show tons of potential. But you're not quite there yet.

PiE: You really let your rhymes do the work here. You forced them here or there, though, and sometimes it was very noticeable. When you got to the third stanza, that improved. But I still have to say that I thought your flow was great, even though you kept things pretty simplistic as far as schematic devices. Anyway, the reason I say the rhymes carried you is because the story kind of rode their path for the most part. I thought you could have used more concrete details (this is a thing I say almost always, but it's almost always true) and more fleshed out characters. You brought this couple together really fast without quite explaining why our somewhat-smart stock-trader narrator fell for her (aside from pussy, which is a thin reason for marriage and massive amounts of cash). Doing more to give depth to either of the characters would have served the story well. The pacing was a bit strange, too, as you hovered over some scenes too long (all that sex near the end just seemed irrelevant and gratutious) but rushed past others. Still, the rhymes carried you and made for a very smooth read. That's the main takeaway. The story wasn't great, but it was cohesive, and the rhymes kept it moving along at a steady clip.

Vote: PiE

[Split]

Flo Real.
But listen yo, for all the devastation he caused he always said I really flowed.
Lol u wot?
Creative take on the topic, wouldn't have picked birth certificate. Think you could have chosen better rhymes. The end rhymes in particular were wtf. "I'm serious... Really!" Kinda cringeworthy. You captured the perspective of you and your dad well, but the writing/ emotions weren't nuanced. It would have worked MUCH better in third person, or with shorter lines using more direct cognizant language. Felt like I was watching a really good one man improv play being acted out by a tired, unconvincing actor. U seemed uninspired. Shallow wordplay and figurative language and dint like the flow here

PiE. Lmao this was a really, really dopely unique storyline. Lmao stock trader seminar holder. Yo but halfway through the verse. Why did your character start skullfucking a hooker like nbd? Worst immersion breaker ever. I really, really hate drawn out sex scenes/ sex talk in topicals. Such a cop out that is never interesting or advances the story or does anything but fill lines. Still managed to. Be witty and entertaining throughout, mostly. He hints of it at the very least, very dry humor. The ending was whack.

Basically, good stuff but you need polish in obvious places. Great start tho. Almost ruined yourself at the end.

Had PiE with a cooler construction around the topic and slightly more depth of character.

[Mike Wrecka]

cool battle.

flo- I liked the concept. you used yourself as the main character. which is risky. it worked well enough here. but truth is you didn't dig deep enough. you gave a glossy overview. I get it. two days to write is hard to really get too deep with character development and emotion. but you have to do a little better. I thought the dads perspective was a great idea. and comparing how he saw his son, as compared to how his son thought his dad saw him was really interesting. you started off with the dad actually acting proud of the son and I thought wow the dad was really just bad at letting his true emotions show and the boy took it the totally wrong way and the dad died before he had a chance to really fully let him know how he felt about him. BUT you then flipped it and had the dad saying really cruel things about the boy which means he was right all along which really deaded that dynamic you almost built.

pie - I really liked your rhyme scheme and flow. pretty complex. I was a fan of the end rhymes as well. I liked how this started out, it was about the man and his emotions. mainly lust for this woman. and you potrayed it well. I do think once the sex scene started it was less about emotions and more about some explicit she was sucking my dick until I busted in her mouth type of writing. which is much easier to do. you maintained that flow well though even through that part.

overall pie had the better developed story and the better mechanics. good battle. thanks for the reads guys.

vote - pie

[Pinot Grij]

Flo, first of all I have to lmao@ your verse being how your dad named you Flo Real but you've changed your username since you posted. I mean, I think your verse was kinda cool.. too many times you wrote a line then just tacked on a rhyme at the end. I also am not generally a fan of rap verses that are about rapping, in the same way that I hate reading novels where the main character is a novelist. I think you could've done better with the concept, is what I mean.

Pie, your verse was pretty hilarious. Lmao@ "give my penis erections". Your story got more and more absurd as it went on and you relinquished your rhyme scheme a bit as it progressed ("this attacking of sex" - wtf?), but goddamn it was pretty hilarious. Obviously I like when shit has a more humorous angle so I identified with your piece a lot. I love "you're a bitch with no cash".. your shit had a lot of lol's - I just think you can do the comedy angle and still stay crispy with the scheme... the scheme at the top was nuts, but then it faded.

Vote for Pie