Week 4 - Pent uP vs Adonis - Pent uP WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 4.
Greetings competitors, we move to a fairly standard challenge this week, in response to the number of no-shows and the fact that some people claimed to have struggled with the last challenge. LEGAL LATIN WEEK, you are required to write in response to the short phrase you are given. The Latin thing is just to make it slightly more interesting than a regular phrase. You can treat this writing exercise the same way you would treat writing to a quote topic etc if you want to. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Non est factum

Due Date - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST

Good Luck Pent uP Adonis

[Adonis]

Let's make a packt...we both wrrite drunk


ext???

[Pent uP]

Ext. Plz

Cant promise ill write drunk..im on an oj kick right now..

[Pent uP]

I Pledge Allegiance...

The military has taught me to be more organized in my missions.
Whether supplying the kitchen or making people finish their lives with the fishes.
I fight with permission to execute within all kinds of renditions;
The more graphically done, the more I'm noticed, the more stripes I'll be getting.
I like my existence, survival; the fittest is what I've represented -
Even while I'm submitting to old goats that give me orders with a right to be viscous.
Pious, pretentious as I say a prayer and make deliveries up to God,
then ask for forgiveness while leaving no evidence of me or my job.
Increasing their odds by shooting from distances of ninety-three blocks;
Then watch the shot go through their eyes within one to three shots.
A sniper, elite: never met a target I couldn't reach -
Whether up close right in the streets or with scopes from miles on a peak.
I don't retreat and in no case will I meet defeat -
Not even in fiction; Jason Bourne would've died on the scene.

The mission's accepted and this one is hectic with enemies on the trace
within a Chinese army compound, where there may be no means for escape.
I had to sign a waiver after everything was explained -
Stating I can't use my military credentials while ever being detained.
I'm near the Chinese army base, laying in ditches of mud;
This covers up my entire body to exist as a bug.
It wasn't tough, but the circumference of the base is so tight
with patrols controlling perimeters of the space through the night.
I waited for sights of my target, Xi Jinping; I submit to the trigger -
becoming one with my gun, hunting their leader and highest political figure.

This was the kicker, he's completely surrounded within the view of my scope.
To use this approach, I'd have to hit him with a shot through someone's throat.
The vision is clear, I hit through an ear, which leads to his left eye -
Heard the death cry and smiled, but in the slight noise, they saw me and shot ten times.
I move from the pit, shooting a clip from the SR40 Rugar on my hip.
Leaving pools of them dripped from foolish intents of perusing me quick -
I planned this escape and managed this day for this probable cause.
I follow the trip mines I've set through the forest to topple them all.
I hear the explosions and steer near the motions so I can snipe out the rest -
Surviving the test and ending their fight: their next fight is with death.
I get to cover and I'm not discovered as I trail through the dark.
I finally give my back a pat for never failing my mark.

I was hungry for weeks without much to eat, living with monkeys in trees -
Made camouflage out of bark; becoming one with my scene.
Once again, waiting with patience and not making a statement.
Rations are ate in small paces, while I'm embracing my placement.

I get to the airport, but they're refusing all flights out of the country
without fingerprinting first; So they've almost found what their hunting.
I find a victim, but I don't kill him; I cut off the tips of the fingers,
replace his with mines, singed and fried until my prints had been rendered.
I'm back in the states before that guy awakes - but I still witness the stoppage;
He's trying to use the passport I changed to his face with my identity in his pocket.
They find the hidden camera as well, that I'm surveilling him with -
Because of the clause the U.S. states I don't have a way to exist.
He's detained and then lynched for being linked to the Rugar I dropped.
I knew I missed something, but never miss the fools that I've shot.
With the permission I gave, it's been forbade to have any citizenship with my name -
My birth certificate's faked as well as all the documents that they've re-made.
Non est factum, dropped in Latin to argue and deny my credentials
and any ties to essential U.S. military lines or residuals.

[Adonis]

Non est factum: Latin for "it is not my deed"


I'd sign my life away to change a piece of mind,
At least a peace in soul could construct a word of gold,
Bond verbs with lymph nodes and release designs,
I speak in hymns of crimes, preach to clear the blind,
I think a verse is primed to administer the miniscule,
Divide and conquer ants with written visuals,
A spirtual minister verse those –
So, Vile monsters,
Complex congress with confused subconscious,
Converse progress...
The blind leading our medicinal iris,
These habitual hybrids lying with open eyelids,
Never turning cheek from crises,
In fact the agency contrived it,
But I digress – The case in point is complex,
And I devised it.
Disguised in Hancocks, inkwells and cursive,
My locks jelled, slicked back with purpose,
See my serpent tongue has a certain way to think of fun,
And my objective is a gun – The red dot, glares down the sun,
I'd gladly give my life to change a piece of mind,
Sign the flat line for just a little peace and time,
Paint a smile gland to gland for every dead man,
If they could rise from quick sand,
From every cemetery in my homeland,
The white military crosses would disband,
and every soldier would push dirt and just stand.
I mean God Damn! Every action has a reaction,
But petroleum has the white man living lavish,
His passion's so tragic, a yacht to dispose black gold in Atlantis,
His specific goal? To erode a bloodline into ashes,
As it floats to outer core and demolishes the atmos...
I fear it's true, our seeds never stood a chance,
Born in a world with a mixed up thesis,
where Jesus isn't as popular as Kim's romance,
As the chick who holds Bieber in slow dance
As popular as the dirt on my two vans,
Unpopular to the young populace in today's land.
See, I'd gladly sign my life on a lease if I could at least,
Sacrifice a piece of my soul for a piece of world peace,
but the world encapsulates the demons in my wake,
As I lie wide awake, breathing fire I intake,
I'm distinguished for Christs sake, disguised as Christs son,
But the world shrinks, adding more peeps,
And the average is as evil as I think.
So my eye winks, as I write in disguised tongue,
Formulating schemes as The Reverends son,
You ask what am I trying to say,
“I'd gladly give my life so tomorrow could be a better day”,
Draw up the contract, I'll put my name on the line,
Write between bars if you can read between mine,
this art's my constant, restraint in notes,
I write so goose bumps can be the braille to explain my soul,

All I’m saying is,
If my death can cure this world, give me the deed,
Hang me as “T”,
Stab my abdomen with a javelin and rest me in peace..


Oh wait...
Am I stupefied?
Or,
Has someone else been crucified?

[Certain]

Pent uP: This was a really cool, very original entry into the storytelling collection here. You had a cool plot and an even cooler protagonist. With that said, maybe the story was too complex for this format. You had to spend a lot of time developing the character and the main action of killing Xi Jinping, and I really liked all that. But the emotional heart of the story, which also was the primary connection to the topic, then was really rushed. I'm not exactly sure what happens to our narrator, for one. After such clear storytelling throughout the verse, you were vague about the effect of him being told he doesn't "have a way to exist." So the man whose fingerprints he lifted is dead, but what about our narrator? He's floating around life with no real identity? I don't think it would be fair to say the issue was one of pacing. The first three-quarters of the verse was paced perfectly. There's no line limit in this league, so I could argue that you should have just written an extra 15-20 lines. But hell, this battle's getting slept on already. Anyway, your rhymes were sharp as always, and your storytelling was smooth if a little removed. I think that detachment made sense and helped in the early part of the verse but could have been better used later, when thigns were spinning out of control. Drive home what our narrator is feeling. It's a first-person verse, so that becomes more important. The swagger early on was felt, though. I really liked this verse, which is part of why I was so critical of the end game. I wanted more.

Adonis: Hey, "See my serpent tongue has a certain way to think of fun." That's me! It would have been cool if you had managed to come up with a way to get all of the competitors' names into the verse, though PancakeBrah might have been difficult. But I liked that little conceptual challenge you gave yourself. Anyway, I had a hard time picking up any rhythm from this. The line lengths changed a lot, and the whole verse just felt more like freeform poetry to me, even with end rhymes. That's not a deal breaker, but I do enjoy stronger rhyme mechanics. I thought your general take on the topic was creative, but I'm not sure it held up as well as it could have. You had some very strong thoughts, but the verse mostly felt a bit contrived and clichéd, as though your complaints about Selena Gomez and oil rigs weren't really from the heart as much as the types of things people complain about these days. I loved the closing line of the main stanza, though, about goosebumps as Braille. That was by far the standout to me. I don't think the verse tied in closely enough with the topic, either. It would have been better to have written from the perspective of Jesus himself, rather than some weird Jesus' son concept that I never quite put together. You could have shown Jesus' frustration, and the verse probably only would have required a bit of tweaking overall. You seem to always have a lot to say, but I'm not sure you're taking your full time in developing how best to articulate those things. Hooking the reader is important, and you never quite had me, even as I liked a lot of individual lines.

Vote: Pent uP

[Brian Bryan]

I'm on my phone so sorry about the length of my votes this week but i'll try keeping it as informative as I can... I thought Pent had a great idea for his concept this week as a sniper, the whole citizenship and certificates thing appeals to me because I work in that field in my real job so it read more personable or relatable to me than it may do most in the league. I think this is the first actual storytelling verse i've seen of Pent in a long time, years maybe, but the old dog still has a bone or three to unearth when he's hungry. I feel what Certain Serpent was saying in so much as the closer and not knowing exactly what happened, but thinking about it, such is the nature of that job, a lot would be kept in the dark and not everything would be common knowledge to you, feel me? So in that sense it works! Regardless, top storytelling on display here, there are very few around doing this period and even fewer doing so at this level. Great verse.

[Brian Bryan]

I actually dont mind poetic takes like Adonis did, one thing that enticed me to the league was how open your interpretations can be and the freedom to write what you like. Ive submitted poetry entries up against stories before myself. I liked how he closed it out with the hang me from a T/crucifixion idea. The pros and cons thing with converse progress stood out in my head too, ive seen similar done before, but the way it was worded stuck in my head for some reason because it was so well written. I again disagree slightly with Serpent here in that I think Adonis deliberately mislead people into thinking he was Jesus through the majority of the piece, then twisted it at the end to reveal he wasn't but would gladly sacrifice himself/his lead character if peace could be obtained from it. It was well written, at least I feel so, I could have missed the mark entirely! All in all this was enjoyable, both emcees know what they're doing, its always hard in battles with a story against a topical-cum-poem and this is no exception. I'm basing my vote on who I felt had the more innovative, creative tackle on the topic given and this week I feel that was... Pent uP!

[patrown]

/v pent up - descriptive. extremely descriptive. i really enjoy your pieces when you go full story mode. this is off the chain. you painted the scene well, laid everything out.. went through all the motions well, and left me hanging. yet, i'm still satisfied. excellent piece. speaks for itself. nice drop.

adonis - i enjoyed your approach, and think it was well executed. although you have good content, a great approach, and nailed the topic ( no pun intended, really) .. a couple phrases were there i must shake a stern finger at. given the seriousness of your topic. for instance,
"I mean God Damn! Every action has a reaction,"
i get it, but against your opponents verse, for comparison, i took a step back and wasn't able to be as involved with the piece. i couldn't get lost in it, as if i wasn't comfortable with the voice you narrated with. no offense. it's good. just..
"this art's my constant, restraint in notes,"
to talk about yourself while doing a story of -the- Jesus Christ, well. that's hard to chew on for me buddy. keep at it though. you almost pulled it off.

[Pinot Grij]

Pent... nice shit. I feel this verse was really well planned. You knew where you wanted to go with it and took it from there... I also get the feeling that you started writing the 3rd stanza first and tacked the first two stanzas on after that.... the 1st two stanzas didn't nearly have the scheme and imagery as the climax of the piece, so it made it harder to gain an entrance to what you were doing... once you got into the climax I felt like I was watching a movie... created great mental images and that's a real skill. Storyline was inventive and pulled off nicely. Nice quality drop.

Adonis... went the more conceptual route. I had the feeling that the top part of your verse was very wordy, and hard to stutter out in my head while I was reading it

Complex congress with confused subconscious,
Converse progress...
I see the exercise that you're doing here... but like, it just sounds not good when I say it in my mind... it comes out very staccato.

Flow really picks up in the middle and brings your verse some needed punch and I was really feeling it... this whole section:

I mean God Damn! Every action has a reaction,
But petroleum has the white man living lavish,
His passion's so tragic, a yacht to dispose black gold in Atlantis,
His specific goal? To erode a bloodline into ashes,
As it floats to outer core and demolishes the atmos...
really nice... I hate the line before this which says "gland to gland" tho.... doubt you would ever hear a phrase like that in real life.

Anyways, my tendency is to lean towards storytelling more than conceptual drops. Adonis did have a story in his verse, but I almost felt like it was more of a backdrop to the critique of militarism that he wanted to make. Pent had a compelling plot and better rhymes to pull it together... although I still think the first two stanzas could have used some more polish.

Vote for Pent up

[Inno]

Vote Adonis


I thought this was a dope as battle a much closer than the votes indicate..pent drop some fire storytelling with some choice word...choice lol and some well placed rhyme schemes and devices...In the end his story followed easy and his character was well developed and really showcased some skill man...but tbh I thought Adonis ttook a chance with the poetic type of feel to his piece and like bryan brian said I appreciate that type of leap lol..I gotta reward him for taking the chance....got Adonis yo.