W3: theMuzzl3 (1-1) vs. Mr. J (1-1) -- Mr. J Flawless 4-0

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: You don't have to be scared of me, because I am loyal. Why are people so scared of creative ideas and so scared of truth? All I want to do is do good.


Good luck. theMuzzl3 Mr. J

[theMuzzl3]

Truth is the definition of my soul. My demeanor, the same as my nature, yah know.
Wishing at 11:11, for it to stay that way. I'll even take to my knees and pray.

From the start, as a new netcee: I started parting ways with my sanity.
My sense of morality: began spiraling down the drain.
All I could feel was pain… ignoring stains on the drain, from previous brains.
As the poking and pricking continued, I tried to let my words be spewed' out.
I was losing my sense of self dignity. Infinity from the dark space of the net was a cold-blooded shove,
followed by ruthlessness against ones I love. I began making counter-attacks, with simplicity and forwardness…
Losing my sense of self-identity, I was spilling shit out: towards a mess.
My demons began to grow, my flows showing the negativity inside my soul.
My initial energy was in the process of being washed down the toilet bowl. I still held onto hope:
that someone would reach down, and pull me out. Without a doubt, some netcee's hands went down into the throne;
and grabbed my own… and pulled me out of the spout of death; as a netcee… finally I could breath,
I pleaded for a new beginning, feeling diminished. But, my soul felt as if it was already tarnished,
like a bran new house being furnished with shitty furniture: crammed out of a punished, dirty ol' dumpster.

However, the main clump of my soul was still intact. In fact, it had been cleaned by the toilet cleaner, lysol.
But I smelled like chemicals, so I attracted more: chemicals; and I digested them in any way I could.
A story of the netcee which could have done it all… but instead of considering it all as I called it;
I was led down the toilet bowl again, then:

The circular motion continued, so I'm raised up, again. Now it begins with repentance.
I was a child, once more. full of innocence. Shit happens… craziness is witnessed.
I held onto my inner being; but am aware' of the monsters on the net, which represent despair.

You don't have to be scared of me, I exclaimed through my megaphone.
They did not listen. Instead, they turned off the microphone.
Coincidentally, there came upon a change. Old blues players let me rearrange the stage.
And, I played: without any signs of rage. The creativity splattered onto the page and pallet.
There was no longer a need for a ballot -- I'd already won. Mr. J's baseline solo was done.

I had chances to steal expensive gear… instead provided rides home and bought beer.
Accepted into a family, I was loyal. My eyes rolled back as they played with royalty.
As I approached the stage, I never thought of getting laid or paid. These guys were fucking good -- I understood:
Letting me collaborate meant I would be like a rock scraped against wood.

The scene died, after I left the local area of venues and musicians.
My love and my soul…. was divided into playing of music,
and being devoted to the most divine and beautiful chick.

Music left alone, now I write again;
Like I once did in bars & parties, with a pen.
Inspired by eeN'Cees -- it tied my brain waves to way back then.

Netcees reminded me in a way of the initial parting of the truth inside of me.
Next time I won't mind to pay darting lessons to prove the root of what you see.
And my identity, I retain.
I will no longer restrain:
words of truth, as blunt and harsh as they may sound.
I may be frowned upon and pounded on, but I have found:
Myself, rebounded and surrounded with those whom would have drown,
if it weren't for my arm to pull them out of the river, and onto the ground.

[Mr. J]

This topic is horrible....what makes you think it's great?!?!

I send out destruction embodied in the form of sickness
victims to their own self reliance, look at the life you give them
senseless...you gave them the headline and they missed it
witness, something to make them beg for forgiveness
limits, seem like a gift for the weak, I push beyond the distance
I infect their living, their life stock, their children & women...
Man, the inferior form that look inward for second opinion
back when gifts were given, sacrifices made by your minions
you gave em a foot, I gave em a mile, I became the dominion
I set examples out of suffering & they pray for help
you can't save them all, they have to save themselves
give them families, food, water, then they crave the wealth
it's never enough for them, whatever card you may have dealt
search your heart, check your pride, and ask if the praise is felt
or am I mistaken? Well...you sent me here and so I made it hell
you say I'm out of line, and cause trouble with my abrasive self...
when they curse the throne, spreading blasphemy to other ears
But on my own terms, I will always be there to help...brother dear
I'll cry other tears, those shed through the blood and malice
and return the haven to it's former glory, raise up your chalice
you WILL see the good in the bad, the truth in the balance
and we will rule over all....with a firm grasp on this madness


https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTXImf1_gdQu4MICFSlo9sKvHKo8qbfK _HJtl9SYSmkMRDeqEoD6A

[Certain]

theMuzzl3: This battle has no votes because your verse is so ridiculously long. Before you try something this ambitious, it might be a better idea to work on smaller scales in figuring out the mechanics required in this genre. That's your biggest weakness by far here: You simply don't have the mechanics required down. Your rhymes are weak, sparse and overly slanted. Start rhyming multiple syllables at once (e.g. heavy hand/levee stands) and using a more standard meter (12 to 15 syllables usually will set up a decent cadence). Once you've got that down pat, you can start experimenting more. But this verse did not flow at all. Still, the content was good. Even some of the metaphors were strong, and you told your story with a degree of objectivity. I'm not big on autobiographical content, but you have a very earnest, though drawn-out and sloppy, voice here. Figuring out how to bring that to original and creative content rather than such an easy personal starting point, while also adding in proper rhyme mechanics, will be the key. But I really do think you could end up being good in time.

Mr. J: At first, I thought this verse would be about Ebola. I think I would have liked that version more. This wasn't all that interesting, despite some solid lyricism. The concept worked with the topic well enough but also showed the lack of inspiration bemoaned in the preamble. (Aside: That's the type of thing that some voters will judge you negatively for, unfortunately.) The devil is just a trite concept. To be honest, you let theMuzzl3 make this way closer than it logically should, as his verse was more engaging from a content perspective. But it's hard to overlook your craftsmanship compared to his.

Vote: Mr. J

[asylum]

muzzle - Ok. youthemuzzl3- first of all, you're not writing on topic. second, you're not rhyming.
let me break this down for you.
this is a storytelling league. you're speaking from your personal voice. setting yourself up for failure. quote..
followed by ruthlessness against ones I love. I began making counter-attacks, with simplicity and forwardness…
still mad cuz you're getting trolled? k.
another quote..
and grabbed my own… and pulled me out of the spout of death; as a netcee… finally I could breath,
we don't care. sorry, but not sorry.
However, the main clump of my soul was still intact. In fact, it had been cleaned by the toilet cleaner, lysol.
But I smelled like chemicals, so I attracted more: chemicals; and I digested them in any way I could.
sit back and ask yourself, how did this rhyme? how was it dope? ask yourself why.
The circular motion continued, so I'm raised up, again. Now it begins with repentance.
I was a child, once more. full of innocence. Shit happens… craziness is witnessed.
ance, ence, essed. nope. didn't rhyme.
mentioning your opponents name in your verse is like getting in a fight with a dude and then giving him a handjob. just dont fucking do it.
There was no longer a need for a ballot -- I'd already won. Mr. J's baseline solo was done.
you carried an end rhyme two bars right here. good fucking job..
words of truth, as blunt and harsh as they may sound.
I may be frowned upon and pounded on, but I have found:
Myself, rebounded and surrounded with those whom would have drown,
if it weren't for my arm to pull them out of the river, and onto the ground.
in the end, you really need to think about what mechanics are. couplets, inners, multiples, assonance. sign out for a while. look it up. vote on matches... thoroughly.. then come back when you're ready. cuz right now, you're just making yoursef look bad. and i say that as a friend. good luck.

/v mr. j - you pretty much said.. fuck it im going to rhyme for a bit and win. and you did. i enjoyed how you started lines 5 6 and 7. favorite lines..
when they curse the throne, spreading blasphemy to other ears
But on my own terms, I will always be there to help...brother dear
I'll cry other tears, those shed through the blood and malice
and return the haven to it's former glory, raise up your chalice
like the switch up. sounded good. felt it. finished off strong. no complaints, for what it is. .. solid as usual j.

[CopyPat]

well first of all i can't believe i read this fuckin thing. second i was literally gonna vote for muzzle for the sole purpose of him being ALL over the topic. i usually dont read the other votes ahead of me but i did this time cause i was like wtf MrJ. then certain explained the devil thing and then i re-read ur verse and it all made sense. stupid that i couldn't see it myself.. lol.

Muzz i gotta say u really really wrote to the topic and incorporated every part of the quote so well done on that end but yeah i totally agree with certain. u have some storytelling potential and can probly turn out to be good but u gotta start rhyming man. if u dont wanna do that, its fine. but then THIS is not the place for u. read soem dead man, like ANY and ALL deadman verses to see how to flow. unfortunately in this competition u have to rhyme. ur just NOT doing that

MRJ. again agree with curtain. u made this way closer then it should have been ahhaa
once i understood what u were going for though u easily won only because muzz doesn't rhyme anything. but story wise it was pretty damn close bro. i think u know u will have to do better though so im not worried

Vote: MJ

[Adonis]

Mr. J Leads 3-0

[Adonis]

Muzz - This was some personal shit and i'd say 8-10 you won't get the vote in doing these types of verses because it actually shows a lack of thought provoking or ground breaking material. Aside from that, skill wise I thought this was lacking. I could gather no sense of structure or schemes, more of you just writing what comes out. Which might be good in some cases, but in this case the verse just sort of moved along giving me no true connection emotionally or rise intellectually. I read it, and that was it.

Jay - Not quite sure about the picture in the end, but you did enough to get the win here. I especially appreciated the structure, you matched syllables which I used to be big on and sense have strayed away, but it's always fun to read something that reminds me of the olden days. The concept was cool, the execution was lacking. I got the sense you didn't try very hard due to not enjoying topic choice and reading your opponents verse.

Voting MR.J for the having the more enjoyable read.