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View Full Version : W3: Soulstice (1-0) vs. Witty (1-0) -- Witty 4-2


King Ra.
10-13-2014, 05:43 AM
AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 17th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: We all self-conscious. I'm just the first to admit it.


Good luck. Soulstice Witty


you both failed to vote last week. In the future you will be signed out for such occurrence

Soulstice
10-17-2014, 09:10 PM
London, 2011

It began subtle and harmless. A deconstructed catharsis
Separated to hundreds of parts by your lovely touch
And some hungry consumption of every London drug in the darkness
In the corner of clubs - I'd watch you on the heavenly dais
Adored by a bevy of strangers tangling for your flesh. I was waiting
to be next. In the matrix of lights that was Fabric. It was the night of the addicts
Devoured synthetics with wild abandon - your smile decanted
Every coward's attempt at guile, they'd clamor at your arrival
And at your departure your disciples began crowding the exits

This City was An epoch old. The culture was rooted.
Past concurrent with future. And you claimed your lover was sutured
With a blush that was muted - we'd spark a spliff in the Mews
I could see your heart burning, considered a split into two
I looked different to you - as November passed
And we returned home - and things would pretend to last


Years Between

We would reminisce constantly. The memory haunting me
I saw a shimmer in your eye whenever you talked to me.
You missed London so much. The city became you.
While I felt the same, you were always Venice to me
Beautiful waterways that stretched in the streets
Persephone’s sexual fete. That lusty, erotic veneer
As you danced with a man who would be gone in a year
And I’d always be here – gazing into the water
Looking at the flesh of dead men.. decaying and rotting
Yes. It would always be here, my celebration of wanting
So why not take the leap? It's only gravity darling
Though there’s faults that are forming - youre slipping through
And I think it isn't true. I guess I'm too conditioned to
You're masterful taunting. A virus that I need in my life
Please. Keep it to yourself and leave me to die.

Boston Harbor, 2014.

We were touring the boat. I remember. You said nothing worthy of note.
Or, it was all blurred out by the vodka shots poured towards our throats
Occasionally hitting their mark, waiting for something missing to spark
In the core of your soul. The sea breeze tussled your hair as you posed next to me
Something in the air suggested we were two destined souls so
I later checked out the photo but nothing was there.

Witty
10-18-2014, 02:29 AM
"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

"Famed is thy beauty, Majesty. But hold, a lovely maid I see.
Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee."

The boiling blood bubbles, her veins a cauldron of hate
The fall of a great beauty, cast to sea from the trawler of fate
Solemn and strait, her tone of voice low, sombre, and faint
Doubt creeping in her brain, her peace rescinds, decays
As deep within the seeded sin and grief begins to weigh
Her defeat is in dismay, paranoid...the elitism displayed
Must surely now recede, as the people in the street begin to say
"The Queen's in disarray, the only path she'll lead us is astray"
People weep, begin to pray, as many others leave, disillusioned
This confusion makes her mind take a leap to a sick conclusion
Day crawls to night, trees seem to be gaining in height and menace
She finds a crevice, somewhere she can lay and wait for the fight
Relentless, as she aims for the right place to ignite the blaze
That excites her senses, staring through the haze of her mind
Pensive but patient, as she gathers herself, with a glint in the eyes
Envisioning this bitch's demise, within a litany of bigotry, lies
And misery as any remaining sympathy dies, now is the time
Inside the house, the clock strikes on the hour and chimes
She stands and roams to the window and sees her in bed alone
A moment she needs to seize before her seven friends are home
She opens it and climbs through, within mere feet of her target
With the grace and peace of a harpist, the ease of an artist
Her easel a harlot, finally finding her release in the darkness
She makes her gag on a poisoned apple, and leaves her a carcass
And just as she hears somebody 'Sneeze', she disappears...
...the only trace that she'd been, the leafs on the carpet.

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?"

"Famed is thy beauty, Majesty. But hold, a lovely maid I see.
Rags cannot hide her gentle grace. Alas, she is more fair than thee."

With a furious scream, she's released from her spurious dream
There seems to be yet another even more pure and serene
She has long flowing locks of golden hair, with a fierce pride
Piercing eyes, the type to touch your soul as they peer inside
She tracks her to an idyllic village of castles and wealth
While she ***kles and murmurs her evil plans to herself
She's been observing her house, looking for servants, a spouse
Strangely all she has seen is a teacup, a bird, and a mouse
Hours pass, still no sign of the princess, as a party starts
She stands in line feigning interest, surrounded by barbies, tarts
Common scum, until as if cast by a magic spell, her face appears
Grace some years ahead of her age, she's met with praise and cheers
The Queen awaits in fear, this isn't the place, but her fate is near
Sitting at the bar as she dances with the most handsome of men
Satiating her fandom and then dancing again....
...eligible bachelors lining up, forming a tandem of ten
But just before midnight, her voice develops a strange inflection
A pained expression paints her face, with a faked affection
She breaks from the dance, worry creeps onto her pale complexion
She runs for the door, the Queen follows, unconcerned of her plight
This is the time, her last living rival's getting murdered tonight
She turns the corner, the girl laying in the gutter with a blistered foot
A crystal shoe, all that remains of her glitz, so it will do
She slams her face against the ground until it's battered and broken
In tatters and soaking, then with the heel starts stabbing her throat
And then it's jammed in her eyes, she's tame, weak and she can't stop it
As the heel is forced in, until her brain leaks from the damn socket

"Mirror mirror on the wall, who, now, is the fairest one of all?"

Greed
10-18-2014, 09:25 PM
Soul I didnt know wtf you were talking about on the first read through. On my 4th read through I saw a intricate story of a stalker who would never approach his target due to personal insecurities. Yet, on my 5th read through I feel that he is either dead already, or she has aids. Okay, 6th read through and im pretty sure they were together, and then they both died. Im suddenly very invested and would seriously like an explanation. Lost me at points.

Witty that was cool, for some reason I thought you were going to kill snow white again so that was a nice twist. Straightforward delivery but solid storytelling.

Gonna go with my initial choice

V witty

Mike Wrecka
10-18-2014, 09:42 PM
On the phone so sorry for the quickie vote



Soul- really impressive writing here. Strong use of vocab on display. Ur rhyme structure is complex but yet also free flowing. Ala frank a bit. Ummm tbh this shit was too abstract for my taste. I honestly don't know what the fuck was going on. Maybe it wasn't abstract. More vague is the right word. Sorry I personally don't wanna have to Sherlock Holmes a verse to understand it. Bhutto ya props on the writing and vocab. Top notch



Witty. - Loved what u did here. I like spinning stories and looking at them from a different perspective. U also made them more gritty. Which was dope. The rhyming and flow was really good and for such a long verse I was never bored. Impressive stuff here




Vote witty

dead man
10-18-2014, 11:37 PM
this guy said sherlock holmes. really tho?

soul - i neglected to vote on the finals match. sorry man. i still don't know who i would have casted for but its great to see your versatility in arriving from weeks of concentrated, dense writing into what i assume is your natural mode. good shit.

still linguistically dense with a lot to pick apart. but you have the room to play with descriptions and ideas without worrying about limitations. very rhyme centric and technically sharp without becoming overly rigid. this is another limitation that works against a lot of people but you've always been able to write fluidly and turn a phrase like a motherfucker. that last stanza killed me because i have had a few very similar relationships, friendships, acquaintances, whatever you'd call it. that followed this same trajectory. that initial identity is what you will always associate with long time companions. new memories and interactions but that first impression seems to be so crucial to our concepts of others. you described it in such a way that brought it to life and brought my own experiences straight into recall. that is effective communication.

While I felt the same, you were always Venice to me
Beautiful waterways that stretched in the streets
Persephone’s sexual fete. That lusty, erotic veneer
As you danced with a man who would be gone in a year

great.


We were touring the boat. I remember. You said nothing worthy of note.
Or, it was all blurred out by the vodka shots poured towards our throats
Occasionally hitting their mark, waiting for something missing to spark
In the core of your soul. The sea breeze tussled your hair as you posed next to me
Something in the air suggested we were two destined souls so
I later checked out the photo but nothing was there.

lines of the verse. broke your compulsive syllable pattern for the final lines and brought it to a close on a heavy note. time lapsing done well. I've seen many verses in a similar vein but this was one of my favorites. its said that time is a face on the water. you took us for a swim. thanks


witty - people always sleep on how well you write because of your discussion activity in lieu of your competitive participation. but yea. we've been reading each others work for years now and have been able to track growth development and shifts in the way one another writes. i had 2 problems with this verse, first and foremost. 1. it was too long for my personal taste. not because of the line length itself, but because of the actions that took place. you could have condensed these stories into much less space and made it more poignant imo. the build-up seemed unnecessary to a point. you are generally straight forward and image heavy, formidable mechanically and accessible to any audience so in competition you are a tough opponent. i think you stretched your descriptions a bit here, however, and lost a certain amount of luster your actual writing contains it itself.

And misery as any remaining sympathy dies, now is the time
Inside the house, the clock strikes on the hour and chimes

With the grace and peace of a harpist, the ease of an artist
Her easel a harlot, finally finding her release in the darkness
She makes her gag on a poisoned apple, and leaves her a carcass

A crystal shoe, all that remains of her glitz, so it will do

lol. smoove criminal.

anyway - the way you tell a story is very easy to follow, which is a compliment in this case because of its wide appeal. you do not leave gaps. we are following every step of the plot progression. and that is also a great quality and a benefit to you as a battler. in most cases, it works to your advantage from my point of view. this week, however, i think your extensive plot progression hindered the stories themselves. mainly because they were not new stories but rehashed fairy tale interpretations that left nothing to mystery or imagination. you were trumped by soulstice's imaginative and relatable tale of liquid identity and its effects on relationships.

great submissions from both of you but

v/ SOULSTICE

Vulgar
10-19-2014, 12:03 AM
Soulstice - The narrator's voice was unmistakably a male's, I mean, the way that men reason was ever present in this, enveloping it. I could taste the desire that the main character felt for this woman, to the point where I was injecting instances of past desires into the story to maximize the effect. It was well written and didn't try to masquerade as anything other than what it was: a thought provoking love piece. It reminded me of something oats might write, but of course you wrote it in your own way and the approaches wouldn't be similar. The subject matter, a relationship with high hopes reduced to dissolution, watered down romance floating down a waterway... it was good work.

Witty - This was very easy to read with instances of advanced content, which clues me into the fact that you're capable of being a topical powerhouse when you want to - the only thing in your way is minor wording mishaps, and the build up of rust from not competing. Nice interpretation of the topic. A homicidal take on a fairy tale redux.

My gut here tells me to go with Soulstice, whose verse struck a chord with me. This was a close battle.

Vote - Soulstice

asylum
10-19-2014, 09:39 PM
witty - fuck man u started off really well. particularly enjoyed this set..
People weep, begin to pray, as many others leave, disillusioned
This confusion makes her mind take a leap to a sick conclusion
Day crawls to night, trees seem to be gaining in height and menace
She finds a crevice, somewhere she can lay and wait for the fight
Relentless, as she aims for the right place to ignite the blaze
fairy tale shit. fucking dope bro. u carried the rhymes real good throughout the entire piece. great flow. really good piece. this is going to be a hard call.
soulstice - fuck dude i felt the whole fucking verse than was left standing there at the end like "WHAT NOW FUCKER"idk. why u gotta leave me hanging like that? i guess wanting more.. is the tell of a greater writer.. but shit. i really, truly, needed more.. more than i wanted it.
where did it go? what happened? i really needed a stronger conclusion bruh. you couldve taken this if it was wrapped upa bit more.

/v witty - just felt like his piece was more complete. even though i was more intrigued by soulstice, i ... got more from witty's complete piece. and this was a hard fucking call. wrap it up bro. thats all i got to say.

UnbornBuddha
10-20-2014, 12:00 AM
A spectacular showmanship. Since both of you displayed lyrical eminence. Soulstice wording is more elegant than Witty's, not to say Witty's is not, but relatively speaking there is a more of a sophistication. I interpreted the narrative as one of romance. The first verse was a scenic memory of where they first met, and the years between is the up and downs of their relationship. This up and down included not being together, as he watched the love of his life flirt with other men temporarily of course. When they finally were together the realization hits the narrator. That this romance too, is nothing but an illusion, a disappearing act destined to happen. The only true soul mate in this instance is death. The death of what seemed fated to be, a contrite conclusion was reached. While I did enjoy the smoothness of it all, I have to say there was a tad of artistry missing.
Thus, I proceed to Witty's reimagining of a fairy tale. Well, what can I say. A bit gruesome, perhaps even more so than the retelling from the grim brothers. Yet, as they were murdered there was undoubtedly a sense of mystical allusion that you captured well. You managed to fabricate the fantasy through selectively conjuring a setting that apprehended the aura around the tales. Now with tales there's always a mystique to them, a myth if you will. Thus, it makes sense to be able to manipulate the myth, or expose it to tell others of its true contents. This felt like this was the path this took. And although you sullied the goodness inherent in that of a children's tale, nevertheless it is imaginative to be able to tell it in such vivid depiction. However, as the story progressed the ending I found was predictable. Not a bad thing, per se, yet the progression seemed to come to a stand still at some point. The climatic value of it went down before even the character's downfall. Still, I felt it was an artwork to witness, to say the least. I also am a sucker for tales, although this was a bit more perverse.

Anyways, my vote is for Witty.

Adonis
10-20-2014, 12:10 AM
4-2 Witty