Week 4 - Innovator vs Certain Serpent - CS WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 4.
Greetings competitors, we move to a fairly standard challenge this week, in response to the number of no-shows and the fact that some people claimed to have struggled with the last challenge. LEGAL LATIN WEEK, you are required to write in response to the short phrase you are given. The Latin thing is just to make it slightly more interesting than a regular phrase. You can treat this writing exercise the same way you would treat writing to a quote topic etc if you want to. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Sui iuris

Due Date - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST


Good Luck Innovator Certain Serpent

[Inno]

What it do where its at?

[Certain]

sui iuris (also sui juris) "of one's own volition"

[Certain]

I remember my first rape. She was 14.
Doused her with chlorine. Chemically burned face.
Pinned her shoulders, then entered and tore space;
I dismembered a poor, chaste girl,
rendered her whore's bait.
Her eyes, unblinking. Her thighs, unflinching.
She stared into the devil's heart. No hiding, shrinking.
And for a moment, as I came inside this victim,
I, too, saw Lucifer's silent grimace.

I remember my first kill, the following month.
We were just locking them up.
They'd throw their bottles and run.
Darkness. Street lights out. I throttled my gun.
One blast. Here was a father or son, shot in the gut.
My hands trembled as I swallowed the sight.
On his jacket was soldered a sign that meant I had collared a kike.
For a second, gave into an ominous pride,
but as the blood poured, I was the one feeling hollow inside.

I remember my first execution, firing squad.
Bind and cuff then line them up and consign 'em to God.
With any rise from the mob, we'd remind them to stop
by holding a gun to a child's head. Their silence was prompt.
As we expired the lot and shoveled their bodies to piles,
the others were sobbing and wild.
Mother despondent for child.
We covered the obvious, vile odor with cigarette drags,
but every exhale left every soldier to pick at his scabs.

I remember the aftermath, the broken illusion
of a man soaked and confused and moping reclusive.
I still think about it, after all the hopeless excuses.
I still think about it, about all the token abuses.
We were totally fused into a system of hate,
emprisoned by our own minds' impotent state.
But I can't gain forgiveness this late.
In all the mass killings and rapes, I wasn't the victim or prey.
I'm not a innocent scapegoat. There's blood on these hands,
death in these eyes in the disguise of a company man.
I'll carry my own cross. Let the wood splinter through.
My sins are truth. This is the price for a Hitler Youth.

[Inno]

I. Toy Soldier

I’m complicated is the short answer
“I’m fucked in the head” – that’s quick banter
Faultless, I am innocent at my core
Godless for I don’t understand the lore
Without guidance, wisdom never bothered
A severed lineage, a son war had fathered

“You fight for your country
Against our governments tyranny
War will teach you to be men
So take heed this not for pretend
Your are truth sent for lies to repent
Seek glory and die innocent”

Stolen from under native lands sent to fight
For a foreign cause enforced by other peoples plight
I stand alone with the gun smoke that invokes
Fear into throats they choke when they hear me approach

The butterflies are over powering my senses
This nervousness is natural to my innocence
But my training represses and the worry regresses
I cock my Smith & Wesson take a quick breath in
As I unload I’m relentless and it seems that its endless
As the bodies hit the pavement I’m left thoughtless
Its almost bliss, release from the stress from this boulder
I shoulder around is almost profound, no longer a toy soldier
I raid the village irate toting bullets for flash lights
No ones save as I dismay and decay every corner in sight
And when the fights over we celebrate in the name of the cause
Growing old before our time as we laugh at the gods

10 years later.

“Captain the new ‘recruits’ are here as you expected”
“Thank you, Did you polish my Smith & Wesson?”
“Yes sir”

(Walks from behind a door, starts to speak)


“You fight for your country............

[zygote]

Enjoyed how both submissions started with the word I. Considering the topic translates to roughly "your own choice," it was a fitting way for both to start. Certain Serpent, liked the repetition. It is a simple technique and the repeated phrase itself isn't too inspiring. Well not when compared to great repetitions like "On the *** day" (bible) and "I have a dream" (MLK), but your repetition was interesting because you used it to create a thematic link. E.g., all the characters while different had this common connection, signaled by the repeated "I remember." Probably, seems like over-focus on one small aspect of your writing, but it was a big highlight for me.

Innovator, also enjoyed the repetition at the end there, creating the cyclical link between the first character and after his progression throughout the story, it still ends up with the same rhetoric. Very interesting and good stylistic choice. Liked how it was ambiguous, interpreted as a child at the beginning playing with a toy gun (the actual reference to so-called 'Smith & Wesson' , 'butterflies,' 'my innocence' + the title made me interpret this) and at the end a young captain now expressing these views he heard as a child. Further enjoyed the ambiguous time setting of the writing, it could have been USA civil war, WII, or modern, it was good not to give a clearly defined time period. Voted for Certain Serpent.

[Mike Wrecka]

ya cool battle. very similar approaches here. which makes it easier to vote on in many ways. comparing apples to apples.

certain - the rhyme scheme was strong in most spots. a few not so much. but that was a very rare hiccup that I spotted maybe a couple times throughout. I liked the progression that was made. and I liked how you eased into it. after the first stanza I still wasn't aware it was a soldier. then by the second I realized this and by the third I realized that it was a Nazi soldier. felt like I was unlocking more and more as I went on which kept me engaged. well done.

inno - good shit. I liked the verse. a couple of the end rhymes were not perfect. but really fuck perfection. I wish you used more multis, a verse like this could have been so much better with them. and when you do use them it works out well. cool cyclical cycle of a story here.

overall - both wrote about soldiers. both had good stories. I was more engaged by CS story. found it more interesting. and his mechanics were better too so even though this was close I got

vote - CS

[Nigma]

Vote to CS

Innovators verse didn't have the rhyme complexity his opponent did and didn't make up for it enough in content. I enjoyed the looping twist at the end, I did something similiar in an OM I just dropped. Biggest criticism would be rhyme scheme here, it's always something you can elevate on. You got a firm hold of content just gotta find different and more innovative (lol) ways of laying it out brotha!

Certain, nice drop fammoooo. Consistent with them schemes, but I really enjoyed how you laid this verse out. 4 stanzas, each of which with a hook, letting the reader know whats about to go down, then some really solid execution. Really dope look on this topic, liked the read sir.

+1 Certain Serpent

[Pinot Grij]

Certain Serpent, you really killed this with atmosphere and character depth. Multis added a nice polish to the verse overall, mostly I dug how each stanza ended... closing a thought but building on the overall verse...

And for a moment, as I came inside this victim,
I, too, saw Lucifer's silent grimace.
For a second, gave into an ominous pride,
but as the blood poured, I was the one feeling hollow inside.
We covered the obvious, vile odor with cigarette drags,
but every exhale left every soldier to pick at his scabs.
Again... atmosphere in this was cool as fuck, unmatched this week I think. And the closer was something I didn't see coming and was a unique twist. Haven't read through every battle yet, but this is a really complete drop and will probably end up being my favorite verse this week.

Innovator, I liked the cyclical angle that you added at the end of your piece. It reminded of Starship Troopers, the book, where Rico starts off in the army as a naive recruit but eventually conditioning builds him into a perfect company man. The psychology behind your piece was dope, but I was hung up on the rhyme scheme throughout. A little basic, and a few awkward rhymes threw me off....

“You fight for your country
Against our governments tyranny
The butterflies are over powering my senses
This nervousness is natural to my innocence

I think you could've focused a little more on deepening your scheme to bring the whole verse some more punch.

Vote for Certain Serpent

[Certain]

I lead 4-0. Here are my three links, though I plan to vote on every match:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10034
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10036
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=10025

[Split]

Voted Certain Serpent.

Both did a great job creatively. Serpent certainly took it in turns of mechanics and smoothness. Inno had an interesting story. Didnt understand the fact that he was fighting for his government against his governments tyranny in a foreign land. Pretty cool I guess but it didnt capture the topic very well. Didnt see the connection between his rough past, his innocence and purity, his quest for glory giving him this joyful ecstasy and his eventual growth into a drill sargeant. I saw the end result but idk I feel like your character never grew or took initiative

I think if your story had more background and/or more personal character I woulda felt more immersed


Serpent, cool bit. Liked the change mirroring the chorus like quality of each stanza/verse whatever. Clear writing and balanced, believable perspective

[PiE]

Certain serpent. your verse was very well put together and each sequence built the story up to the finale of a lil Nazi. the flow read superb and the details of each part was graphic and I liked that. this was kind of an easy topic, but you put your own spin on it. the way you built it with the four sequences of events was clever and made the verse stronger and easier to follow

Innovator, your storyline was cool and the details of the sniper were nice too. the tone you set for this verse made it strong and while there some nice moments of flow, a lot of the rhymes were very basic, which makes fit a slightly rougher read. Your take on the topic ess eau to follow though and that helped.


Vote Certain Serpent

[Adonis]

CS - I like flow and "bullet hole but I'm empty"line was witty. Character build up was a bit lackluster to say the leaset, no wrong just probably worlds weirdest opener ever. Some shock value which if done right is dope, but I would have enjoyed some more gruesome visuals brother. I feel like you went story instead of story and explaining in detail the sins. I think even a short opening stanza explaining scene of the country you were in would have tied stuff together. Also pertaining to my verse. Had every intention to include all or mose names, but you struck the nail on the head about free writing. Shit started coming out and I just let it instead of structing it.


Inno - looks like training youth for evil ala african soldiers? Nice little story, some wording issues that are simple corrections but easy to make if english isn't native. But aside from that the verse was decent, did have as much depth to the concetps and was a bit face value. Also the rhymes seemed pretty obvious, maybe not always using the first end rhyme that pops in your head or adding some inner rhymes opposed to 5 end rhymes in 2 bars.

V/CS for a more thought provoking and precise verse

[Plot]

Wanna vote here, req ext?