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View Full Version : Week 4 - Brian Bryan vs Storyteller - BB WINS


Mike Wrecka
08-12-2013, 03:35 PM
Memo week 4.
Greetings competitors, we move to a fairly standard challenge this week, in response to the number of no-shows and the fact that some people claimed to have struggled with the last challenge. LEGAL LATIN WEEK, you are required to write in response to the short phrase you are given. The Latin thing is just to make it slightly more interesting than a regular phrase. You can treat this writing exercise the same way you would treat writing to a quote topic etc if you want to. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Ejusdem generis

Due date - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST

Good Luck Brian Bryan Storyteller

Spoken
08-12-2013, 03:58 PM
Alright!!!!!!

Official thread now.... Check baron

Brian Bryan
08-13-2013, 08:57 AM
The student meets the teacher at last haha!

Spoken
08-13-2013, 11:22 PM
Tiny odd cycles cause bonfires within,
Time changing, mind shaping the oppression of sin.
Moving towards and not forward; recluse of all actions,
Tainting the heart that parts all emotions in closed caption
She told me to ...
Waltz thru with this corkscrew for an open celebration,
A settlement to settle in w/ out any dissertation.
Champagne with glass stained glimmers with art,
Half shaved iced flakes simply draping the scars.
Hidden with greed, the fellowship given to see,
Simply delves into sheets that other men have crept in to sleep.
Now the essence is grief cause the pain is no lesser w/ screams,
Attention, deceit, pleasure and pain all together in dreams.

Amor est.....
Only holding what's folding like being pressed into actions,
Never melting what was helping; the bills be rid of rations.
Creasing misters like sisters daily donation of wealth,
Securing while she's enduring the same company health.
If the devil wears Prada then not a soul has been seen
How is money being hungry when its never given free.
She could swear on what she cares about.. But it's never the truth,
Why does it take a mistake to finally settle with the abuse.

Amor est...
Is a triangle that dyes angles and ways to escape,
Only pressing forward thru horror that's always seen on display.
Amenities- always selling these fake emotions as remedies,
But cleverly being center pieced as the main focus of rage.
You did this to yourself... So what help should be deployed,
You fill in the void cause the boys only touched what you had employed.
Now it's twisted and sadistic but hell<--- is a place I can be,
I never heard a single no come from ur throat just screams of ecstasy.
No I'm stuck with this burden and I'm hurting for what?
Cause rape is rape and love is love- that's a roller coaster that's stuck.
.
.
.
http://specu-loos.deviantart.com/art/Rape-107349091

She told me to waltz on thru like a storm loot paying ends to meet,
Booze or no booze she been wanting to get it from me.
We adults- so fuck trying to settle the score,
I'm her father... She asked for it... Plus she the neighborhood whore.
I helped birth this bitch so my dick is the reason she lives,
Every birthday and Christmas she'd always plead to 5th.
Every time the hand struck my stand up... Act would give me some play,
Tell me whose your daddy and gladly she knows what already to say.
.
.
I'm a sick pup- ejusdem generis... So I don't see nothing wrong,
I've always been about my family- just keeping the bloodline strong!

Brian Bryan
08-14-2013, 11:03 AM
"Old McDonald Had A Farm"


Old McDonald had a farm
he mowed as gospel after dark.
Alone – a fossil – past the mark
He sowed his crops with crass regard.
In fact, he hardly slept a wink,
the man took charge of everything!
The hens, the pigs, the melancholy
kept him busy in head and body.
He never lobbied cries for help,
He’d get the jobs done by himself.
The pride he felt, he’d honestly say,
was a prize excelling monetary gain.
With no prodigy waiting or son of his own
to have gone & replaced him or took up the role
he studied the process of making a will
that covered his golden acres of field.
The place he had built was more than a business
with horses and chickens or adorable piglets
So all he envisaged in his passing at death
was being staunchly committed to his animal friends.
His Father had him a hen, from what we’re told,
that lavished them eggs of solid gold!
Its produce sold at a rate that alarmed
‘til he got his goal and paid for a farm.
That day was the start of a marvellous run
upto a changing of guard from father to son.
Eggs weren’t harder to come by, the hen was just fine,
but with no partner to bolster the hereditary line
the end was in sight - hence he drew up a will -
put pen to it right then to see his duty fulfilled.
A suitable tyro was the target post-haste
the pupil would be owner of his farming estate.
Old Mac garnered the papers approved by his brief,
and marched through his acreage hugely relieved!
Renewed with a feeling that filled up his chest
he duly proceeded with the will that he’d left.
His diligence led him to read through it all,
& a final signature meant that his dream was assured!
.
.
.
But on seeing a clause, Lord Tenterden ordered
The hen Mac deeply adored was exempt in the small print.
A sentence recording ownership of all animals listed
had no mention of poultry, hens had been omitted!
Old Mac’s non-specifics would prove costly indeed,
once they passed his novitiate the plot that he’d leave.
The immoderate upkeep of maintaining the farm
was beyond disbelief, so he gave up its barns,
Traded its heartland rather than hope for survival,
The acres we’re halved up and sold to a rival.
It’s new owners were spiteful, savvy, marketing sorts
who kept hold of the title of the man who started it all.
It seemed heartless to call it that after they put nothing in it,
But that’s all part of the boardroom -
The subtle difference between love and business.


Enjoy your fucking chicken.



http://www.adweek.com/files/image***he/node-detail/news_article/mcdonalds-nyc-2012.jpg

Spoken
08-14-2013, 10:25 PM
Adonis DeadLion Mike Wrecka Plot Pinot Grij zygote Genocide @pancakbrah Vulgar Certain Serpent

Ill rtf all votes by tomorrow just wanna bring ya'll to the thread

Dagel is a biter
08-14-2013, 10:26 PM
I'll edit my vote here later tonight after I drop.

Objective
08-14-2013, 10:42 PM
Storyteller: First paragraph flows perfectly and it reads well to me. Gets a bit choppy here and there as you break out of the rhymescheme here and there, but nothing that hurts your verse too much, but enough to be noted.

Overall this was some pretty generic incest story, I feel like it could have been flipped better as the relationship between the characters in the story is pretty bland overall and I feel your interpretation of the topic is a bit loose, but I understand the flip completely and where you were going with it so I salute the psychopathic execution at the end for it. Well done.

Brain Brian: Didn't really like that your title is also the first sentence in your verse, I know it's extreme nitpicking but I gotta be real with you. That was also about the only thing I didn't like about your shit. I thought it was interesting how you chose to go for the Old MacDonald thing and I pondered how you'd flip it, should'a had an idea as it do says had a farm, not has.

Either way, the execution was dope as fuck and I felt you outclassed your opponent when it comes to the topic at hand. I was nodding towards the end at how fucked up shit is. Great use of a picture of McDonalds as well, hah.. Seriously, enjoyed the hell out of your verse.

Vote: Thought both did a great job. Storyteller might have had the better rhymescheme etc., but I felt Brians execution with the topic at hand was done better overall. Definitely enjoyed reading this battle. Keep it up.

Brian Bryan
08-15-2013, 10:28 AM
Links:

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?goto=newpost&t=10033

Flow
08-15-2013, 11:20 AM
Difficult to call. Feel story has come once again with effort and strong rhymes however his content was a little lacking and a tad boring which it shouldn't be considering his direction of taking the topic. Also a tad choppy in places but it felt intentional and worked well tbf. Though that could be how I'm reading it.

Baron took this a very unexpected way. It didn't give any room
To show off his rhyming abilities, flowed well none the less but some super simple end rhymes which I wasn't expecting. The content was average but unique. He did however make this all better with that last segment which really polished the whole verse by creating an actual enjoyable creative story arch, unique twist on a children's story, that last verse allowed him to stretch his lyrical prowess - difficult shout this battle....

I'm going to give em another read through an finalise
My decision


Ok I am going to have to vote

Baron

PiE
08-16-2013, 05:04 PM
Story teller, your verse was very dramatic in its progression and had some interesting details that were creepy. the wording had some nice choice rhyme schemes, but I don't think the character development was appealing. the way you did it in the 3rd person with the father being the narrator and also a predator and raping his daughter when that really was built in the story structure or the way the character was developed. it made it to hard to get into with such a radical change with the ending. I started getting into it, but the character development didn't help.

Brian, this was a very witty comparison of an old classic and a modern giant. that party alone was great because you actually narrated with a similar style to the old chillen song. your flow was exceptional as well and that made the read so smooth that the details were the only additional part to enjoy and the were great too. you also used the topic cleverly with McDonald not distinguishing between all poultry so he's get cut out... I liked all of this... great verse and narration and development through the topic.


vote Bryan

Mike Wrecka
08-16-2013, 09:15 PM
im gonna go ahead and say this was an insane battle. you guys didn't disappoint. I was really impressed with both verses.

story- ur underrated man. plain and simple. I think you got caught up in some non topical battles and didn't look so good but dude you could write. I like your style alot. flows like an audio piece almost. which I appreciate. this verse was a little vague in the beginning. like I didn't really know what the fuck I was reading about. I caught on halfway through. the rhyme scheme was sick man. the story turned out to be really twisted and interesting. I just kinda lacked emotion. overall a dope verse.

bryan- your scheme started off a little slow but it progressively got more complex. I have to say the story you told was definitely engaging. and to have a big corporation like mcdonalds buy farmer macdonalds land was a great twist. it had alot of irony. a great writing device that grabbed a hold of the reader here.

picking a winner seems a little ridiculous because they were both really well written but I have to.

im gonna go with Lars in what was a brawl. storyteller I was impressed dude. but I think you might have gotten a little too caught up with rhyme scheme. iono. sick verse though. I would be proud of it. I just found bb more entertaining.

vote - brian bryan

Certain
08-17-2013, 06:50 PM
Brian Bryan: The first four or six lines were awesome. Then the short- and inbetween-bar structure started getting a little clumsy, mostly matters of stressed and unstressed syllables or slightly too slanted rhymes. I really appreciate the rhyme effort here, but I think you would have been better suited to switch back to something more traditional at some point. At a certain point, the only way I could really get the flow to work was to twist pronunciations. That could be an accent thing, though. Anyway, let's talk about the content because that was the point, right? Your concept was fun. I really liked the stanzas individually, but I'm not sure how well they connected. What happened to the hen? I was actually kind of invested in that hen after the first stanza, so to have it mysteriously disappear was a bit disappointed. I LOVED THAT HEN, DAMN IT! And why were all the other chickens exempt? Also, it sort of bothered me that this isn't actually at all how McDonald's was founded. Yeah, I'm a stickler about things like that. Sorry to be that guy. I liked the concept of this verse based around the topic but again thought the two tales could have lined up a bit better to bring that point home. This was an OK verse, but it wasn't your best. I do agree with what zygote said, that you've really shown a love for writing that shines through every week. This verse seemed very fun to write, and I don't think you were going for a masterpiece. I can respect that.

Storyteller: The last verse I read from you was written in 2011, and it's interesting to see the differences and improvements made while also taking note of what hasn't changed. Your writing definitely has sharpened. Your rhymes are stronger, and your grasp of flow is improved. Plus there was a bit less completely wasted motion, as the other piece had lines that simply didn't matter or mean anything. But you still are way too vague for two-thirds of this verse. That's a problem because it makes it very difficult to gain any emotional connection to your characters. They're outlines and sketches, floating with metaphors until the end. Yes, I picked up that these were two characters (I assumed brother and sister) who lived in the same house, and that the man was concerned after hearing the woman have sex through the walls with so many men. But I never fully grasped what could lead to what happened. The ending (which came after a picture fail, which doesn't help) was very direct, maybe even too direct. Instead of breaking your writing into such distinct sections, either abstract or direct, you should try to incorporate some of those metaphors and unique phrases into your direct narrative. In other words, don't try to not be you. Try to bring your styles and abilities together into a cohesive package. Anyway, because of the lack of depth for the characters, I thought your story seemed a bit trite and straightforward. You didn't match Brian Bryan's unique approach, and your flaws were more obvious than his. But you've improved over the past two years, and I hope you can accept the constructive criticism and keep improving.

Vote: Brian Bryan

Pinot Grij
08-18-2013, 01:16 PM
Storyteller... you need to start trying new things man. CS basically hit the nail on the head and said everything I wanted to say to you in his vote except he probably is being a little more diplomatic. I feel like I've read several of your verses from back in the old Netcees and here and I just get the same bored feeling from all of them. Some of the best writers around here, I can think back and be like, "Oh, remember when Bags had that verse about the jail break" or "Pancake, that verse about that college kid was crazy". When I think of your writing, it doesn't separate itself and every verse kinda morphs into a big pile of ooze. What I'm trying to say is... Write the way you want to be remembered. Make your own reputation. You've been doing this long enough to form your own identity and put your stamp on your work. What do you want to be known for????? I think of Pent Up and I think "dude does great with emotion and storytelling, and has been crazy consistent", I think of Sacrifice and I'm like, "Develops high level concepts and brings them down to earth with insane schemes"... I think Storyteller and I'm like "That guy that's really vague with his concepts and I never really know what the fuck he's talking about". Don't take this shit as hate.. you're hella active which proves to me that you care about this shit, and I really don't like having to vote against you. I just think I gotta tell you how it is so you can elevate, because you are able to. As far as the actual verse, your rhyme process has gotten better, but it ain't everything... just look at my matchup this week. The whole sick and twisted rapist/murderer angle is among the most played out in this genre that we chose - it literally does nothing for me.

Brian Bryan..... the one thing that iffed me about this verse was the insanely good word choice.. like so fucking well-worded, but the meter was off so many times... and by a little bit too... just the simple omission of a word here or there. A bit frustrating. Needless to say tho that the story and your word choice simply killed this piece. Good twist, great story, fuck.... just a really nice drop through and through.

Vote for BriBry