WK4 CHAMP : Certain(3-0) vs. CopyPat(3-0) -- Certain 6-3

[timeless]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 24th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/s89qd24.jpg


Good luck. Certain CopyPat

[CopyPat]

Mother Nature’s a sexy beast whose color changes every season
Robust in shape, her evergreens are plush unshaved, she never shears them
Lush, untamed, and extra leafy. Her brush is tangled up completely
Her musty cave is rough, uneven. And tucked away, it’s just a secret
She doesn't change for just no reason. She comes in waves, and floods the beaches
Her stomach’s made of luscious greens and from the plains her busty cleavage
Her lovely face is just amazing: undulating mountain ranges
She’s from the age of ancients, truly. But doesn't fade, remains a beauty
And then one day she had her children, and dressed the babies down with fur
She fed them basic plants as infants, and vegetation housed them first
They kept in shape by scrounging earth, collecting eggs and snacking herbs
But when they aged they acted worse, developed ways of tracking herds
Treasure chasing, mounted horses and decimated. Countless corpses
They detonated pounds of mortar. Getting crazy now they’re older
Excavations, ground and soil devastated, founded oil
Corporations categorically correlated to contamination
Gamma rays and radiation, cancer strains invading through them
Databases, crazy humans calculating, crave affluence
Tactics changing… faced with truth, the impact they’re making came to view
As elder statesmen they improved. Now preservation’s taking root
Amended the way that they consumed, just to save her environment
Did everything that they could do; so Mother Nature would rise again.

[Certain]

Katie wore her daisy dress, afternoon sun bronzing her skin.
"Stop burning those damn ants," she scolded Tom with a grin.
She never could say no to her brother and his tangled mop of hair.
Three years younger, not a care. With a shrug, he hopped the stairs.
"I heard you got a date." Big grin. Katie blushed and cupped her eyes.
"It's not a date. It's a group thing. Kim, me, a couple guys.
We're just going to the movies." Chaste, she tugged her side
to make sure that daisy dress covered her thighs.
"Come back inside."

Katie had taken care of her brother ever since their mother died.
Dad drowned himself in work and liquor. Paid the bills and punched his time
and left his sixteen-year-old daughter to raise his son, a fraying home.
But at least Tom finally was old enough to stay alone.
"I'll take my phone."

They skipped the movies — Rob's call, since he had drove —
and ended up on a scenic route to a scenic lake with scenic hopes.
Rob and Kim took backseat, leaving Katie and Greg to stroll.
He had snagged a blanket. She mentioned her legs were cold.
They found a soft spot of grass to examine spacial depths,
as Greg connected constellations on Katie's naked chest.
"Don't stain my dress."

Greg felt a slap. Still groggy, a flashlight blinded at first,
but he quickly realized he was gagged and tied to a birch.
That's when he saw her: Katie was strung up in spread-eagle position,
with each limb tied to a different tree, each limb feebly twisting.
That mop of hair. He'd seen it before. That young teen at the door.
Katie's brother. Tim ... Todd ... Tom? Tom, who was now reaching for cord.
He tied up Kim and Rob on separate trees facing the center.
And while Katie flailed with a temper, Tom was silent, patient as ever.
He flicked a lantern. Shadows. Silhouettes across the night.
He ungagged his sister, releasing her caustic cries.
"But Tommy, why?"

Thomas Pickering raped Katherine that night at Centennial Lake.
Afterward, he killed Kimberly Jones, Robert French and Gregory Pace.
Thomas then slit his own throat, forcing his sister to watch,
while she cried for help that never came and helplessly bit at the knots.
No one ever found her body, only a daisy dress survived at the site,
but they say Katherine Pickering's screams still echo on the most quiet of nights.

[timeless]

As good a talent that tha Talent possesses, he's one of my least favorite around here, only because he's boring to me. I think he puts way too much time into little details and it subtracts the tone of his pieces to a monotone. Its probably just me, but hey. Now that that's out of the way, the storytelling in this was crisp as usual. Although I felt that there were too many characters introduced. Dope last line, kind of cliche in a sense but I enjoyed it. The last stanza seemed forced, rhyming names of people was an eyesore. Not bad though, after another read it probably is my favorite of yours this season aside from week 1. Opening few lines from Copy were dope. Although I did enjoy this verse, it just seemed to struggle halfway through and to the ending. Natural read with lots of great wordplay throughout, making me wanting to read it a second a third time. Not your strongest effort, though. Easy vote here imo.

V. Certain

[Mike Wrecka]

ok cool battle. good champ match.


copy pats overview topical about mother nature against Certains incest rape story. I guess they could both be considered rape scenarios since copy delved a bit into how mankind is raping the earth.


Copypat- at first I liked the direction you were taking the verse. describing mother nature and all her beauty while referencing her as a woman. which is what the picture gave you. its been done before. and it wasn't that creative. but you put a good spin on it. then it devolved into a humanity is destroying the earth verse. which has been done to death. perhaps your lack of topical experience hindered you a bit here. as you tackled a very well treaded topic. to make a verse like that work, it has to be exceptional. rhyming and mechanics wise. that's where I felt you lacked a little bit. the imagery was good. but the rhyming was a tad basic. it felt like it lacked multis a bit. one very positive note , you knew when to end it. didn't drag it out. overall a good verse.


certain - when I saw that this was a story verse I was a bit disappointed. they can at times be boring. but this wasn't. the multis stood out to me as dope. just to get that out of the way. the flow and cadence were very well done. which kept it moving along. it felt very natural, including the dialog which we all know is very hard to do. an exceptional verse. one thing to note , I didn't particular like the direction you took the story. you used a fairly traditional plot diagram. which was smart. introduction, conflict , climax. really no resolution. which is ok. open ended stories allow our imagination to roam. im picturing the girl haunting people going to that spot to make out, which is cool. its just that I was enjoying the way you were explaining the mundane details of the story so much I was almost taken a back a bit by how graphic and intense it all become. and all so quickly. it was a little jarring.

but ya overall an excellent verse that I enjoyed so much I just rambled on about it



dope battle guys


vote - certain

[NYCSPITZ]

lovely battle you two

Copy I noted a distinctly different tone from you here. More of an analytical perspective, lined with a thoughtful perspective that didn't suffer from the humor you usually bring to the table. The humor can work at times obviously but whenever I think good prose I think Hemingway who's laconic and serious. You got closer to that here imo, and although you would maybe beat hemingway in a topical battle he'd dust all of us in prose so there's something to learn there. I thought the social commentary worked worlds better here just because of the more straightforward take on it and because the picture obviously lent itself to it. Maybe a lot more literal than Certain's but sometimes that works and you definitely pulled off something great here. Good verse my dangling ass muh fucka...

Certain that was OD, definitely a nice twist to the storytelling there. Painting the kid as some innocuous ant killer then making him an incestual rapist wasn't expected at all but definitely is a genius level connection from psycho animal killing (albeit at a lower level of animal) to human killing. I think since seaz 3 you've elevated yourself onto the platform of elite storyteller and your verse this week, as well as all your previous verses from the season (esp when the dude stole cash then killed everybody but died at the end) finally cements you as a top killer in the league. Storytelling is such a dynamic thing that it always has the potential to topple even the best braggadocio and philosophical/pyschology verses

V/ certain

[Mr. J]

This was an interesting champ match
and a good one I might add

Copy, you brought about an easier form of the topic
twisted your concept into the piece and made it work quite well
your style complimented the usage of your multis and such
drawing a perfectly parallel to the topic at hand made it enjoyable
the flow of the piece was smooth...nice work

Certain, I'm not surprised in your concept at all..its different
as it always is but carries a certain edge to it as it progresses
the dialogue adds some character to the piece and draws a person in
you always seem to come through at the right moment and take it away
you never give it back either a well thought out piece my friend

V/Certain, his versatility just shines its an easy win

[UnbornBuddha]

Copycat utilized the image in a rendering that depicted humanity's blundering on the natural world. Some of the images were particularly strong. Such as:
"Corporations categorically correlated to contamination
Gamma rays and radiation, cancer strains invading through them
Databases, crazy humans calculating, crave affluence"

I believe this 3 lines to be the quintessence of the mental road you were travelling on as you directed and created this piece from the vacuous space that is called the mind.
Certain, on the other hand, told a story instead of creating metaphor and message using the elements in the picture as building blocks. Although I think Copy's is more on the mark in terms of topic. It is no question that while Copy had some lines that made a strong impression, in the end Certain's verse as a whole had a more strong impact in the end. Although, I do feel Certain's transition into the more malicious scenes was a bit too rash. I'm not suggesting one needs to build up slowly or give a warning to it, which will knock out the surprise, the twist. But I feel that one does need to create a momentum so the insertion of the aforementioned material is easily incorporated into the rhythm of the story. Certain had a nice wording throughout, although a bit plain, nevertheless he reached the more critical junction, in which the reader is gripped by enthusiasm, and emotion.

Vote: Certain

Thank you...

[zygote]

I really enjoyed the first half of Copypat's, partly because the second half's 'Industrialization is bad' vibe was a bit hackneyed. It's an important message no doubt. Environmental awareness is always good, but the first half just blew the second half out of the water in terms of enjoyability. It would have been great just to keep the woman-environment thing going for the whole submission, a kind of ode, something really poetic. It went a little downhill from "undulating mountain ranges" onwards.

Certain, your submission suffers from too many indiscernible characters in a short amount of time. There didn't feel like enough word limit to give exposition to more than a couple of characters, perhaps sticking with the two main ones would have been more effective. You tried to give a couple of lines to every character, but I still couldn't differentiate them as a reader when the conclusion came. You did make a good image of the group as a whole, but beyond that the characters were merely similar names to me. One thing that was really cool though (and I'll probably reappropriate it sometime in the future) was the use of short dialogue to reinforce a point about a character. E.g., But at least Tom finally was old enough to stay alone. (Tom is independent) = "I'll take my phone." + as Greg connected constellations on Katie's naked chest. (Greg is aroused) = "Don't stain my dress." This technique was very good, it almost was a deciding factor here and almost differentiated the characters. However, Copypat's opening 6 lines still stand. Voting for Copypat.

[asylum]

copypat - i would like periods and commas at the end of your lines to guide flow. but that's just me. you started VERY strong. .. should've kept editing. would've got u the win. there was a huge jump immediately following from hunter gatherers to 1800's war. i'm okay with that.. at the end, you did go as far as to say preservation's taking root...buuut... i wasn't too satisfied with the ending. i think most of your strength was in the beginning.. and u kinda trailed off at the point where we are currently fucked. some solution to our problem would've been cool... felt like you lost interest a bit.

certain - your plot twist was extremely effective. didn't see it coming at all, although you did build up to it nicely.
"It's not a date. It's a group thing. Kim, me, a couple guys.
We're just going to the movies." Chaste, she tugged her side
to make sure that daisy dress covered her thighs.
"Come back inside."
somehow from here, i knew something was coming.. good signal. good writing. left me wondering why. you said Tom a lot. that was a little awkward. but you did follow through with names used in the scheme in your last stanza. so it evened out. good imagery. ended rather abruptly, didn't get too grimey, stayed classy.

/v certain - his piece felt more complete this week. i think copypat could've EASILY taken it if he would've kept up the pace from beginning to end, but he kinda trailed off and his conclusion wasn't as satisfactory as his opponents. nice battle tho. close call.

[Adonis]

I thoroughly enjoyed copy's flow and scheme, zero complaints on that front. I also liked the concept of mother nature in sexual innuendo. Recurring. I did not like the shock value of certain. Flow, decent, patterning good. But the lack on non existence of climactic build up, was def, you went from "this is my sister, to she is being raped, tied to visual images, limbs and knots".

V/ Pat

[kannon]

Copypat. First I want to say that I feel for you both with this topic. There is little room to grow, outside of a "mother earth" theme. Anyways... I like your shit. I think last week was my first time reading your work, and I like that you don't always take yourself too seriously. Adding some humor into a great story is always a plus in my book, and this was done very well. I also really like your flow. The schemes do get a bit repetitive after a while, but the wording always seemed right on point. I liked the take on her children getting older and kind of working to destroy her work through their selfishness. That "crave affluence" line was dope. The ending seemed a bit rushed though. We spent a good chunk of the verse on how humanity has hurt mother nature, but then it kind of just ends with "but as they got older, they stopped." Which fell a bit flat for me. Otherwise, great piece though.

Certain. Really dope so far (two sections in), I like how you carried the rhyme scheme over into the next section, even if you only used it for two bars. And the tugging on her dress to make sure it covered her thighs was a nice touch. Added that little sense of nervousness to her, and kinda humanizes her as a teen amidst her forced-to-play-the-mother personality. I also like the little tag line at the end of each section... What the fuck though. What the actual fuck. Such a weird way to end this shit. The only foreshadowing that her kid brother may have had killer urges is the ant thing at the beginning. And the fact that his sister raised him and seemed to be someone he had built a strong connection with in lieu of their mother passing, made him raping her seem incredibly out of place. Especially for a 13 year old boy. I also find it a little hard to believe that one 13 year old kid was able to tie up and gag 4 people without any help, or any of them waking up or taking notice. I feel like I would have been okay with the twist being that her kid brother killed the greg dude for violating his sister, but I don't know that I'm fully on board with how over the top this got. Mechanically, this was good (lines got a little long at the end), schemes were on point. I tend to stay away from using names because I feel like you can make any name up to force a rhyme.

Um, shit. I feel like I really liked where Certain's verse was heading in the first three stanzas, but I'm not sure I'm on board with the ending. My main issue, is that while it seemed to be a very drastic change in pace, with little to no lead up, I still think it was pretty well written. I just don't think I like it much as the ending to what I thought was a great start. Conversely, Copypat had what felt like a rushed ending to an otherwise clever, well rounded piece.

I gotta go with preference, and edge it to Copypat.

[Adonis]

6-3 certain