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View Full Version : WK4 : NYCSpitz(2-1) vs. Dead man(2-1) -- NYC 7-2


timeless
10-20-2014, 03:53 AM
AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 24th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/cXanATR.jpg


Good luck. NYCSPITZ dead man

NYCSPITZ
10-24-2014, 08:26 PM
The Beginning of the End



Adam's amazed - a prowling tiger walks in animate play
...as his mind sifts through the markings of a britannica page
squatting down, his eyes close - the savanna's ablaze
hat a khaki halo over his mannish, valorous gaze
Gaia throbs. Gifting him simple lessons founded in youth
as her land lends an evanescent encounter in truth -
these plains are immense; a singular balance of oscillation and stillness
a specious portrait of boredom - Adam pauses to patiently film it
tall grass moves in lion mane yellow waves to a pulse
as the watering hole's reverie slowly stirs and caves to a doubt
a grazing antelope's ears prick as Adam turns his jeep's ignition
It's all the tiger needs -
he kills, then chews the guts' pink white pieces of ribbon
sensing Adam the beast locks him with a quizzical gaze
this young human's animal is strange, roaring at its minimal pace
is he...inside of it?
the tiger turns, having seen many odd things upon these shimmering plains
with one look back; he trots toward Cliff Valley - and shortly quickens to haste
for minutes - a huge bluff's shadow reveals caves before the light's renewal
and hyena ***kles morph to defensive growls in the wake of this unlikely duo
they trek on, past brambles of bush and barrels of thorn
and the Sun's intensity returns with an undefinable perilous scorn.
Passing locust storms, and dry earth lined with pearl white skulls...
they come across a valley's mouth - looking below to where the world's light dulls
abyss amidst a burning white sky; Adam senses a magical epiphany
and the tiger starts his descent - urging them down into shadows and mystery
they creep until they reach moles on a grass patch all grazing savanna crops
next to an arch in the wall - marked with gods and the faces of astronauts
stepping out, Adam pets the beast, who allows it without surprise or rebuttal
as they enter...hieroglyphs glow upon the walls and cast their light on a tunnel
After minutes they reach a catacomb, bright and ancient and pious
with a high domed ceiling - there's a blue orb raised on a dais
the tiger circles it, purring a knowingly delighted cry -
as Adam stands entranced, and slowly reaches for the light inside...
a sacred murmuring stirs, and above, the storied crown of a halo
hover over the heads of twelve, huge-bodied androgynous angels
they promptly land by the dais and start to eerily talk,
in a chorus: "Adam, we're what you've seen on that graffiti's facade
for too long have humans wallowed in Sisyphean and secular rituals
note this - extinction happens at regular intervals.
You're humanity's heir! It's up to you to find the key and decide...
to rebirth after Armaggedon or flee to the sky
when you're of age you may return, study this lesson with guile...
because for now we send your soul back to its vessel of a child.
Feeling light-headed and dizzy, his mind lazily works
and unbeknownst to him...
a new friend stands behind Adam - he's understated in worth
the key inside the doll on his skateboard holds the fate of the earth.




.

dead man
10-25-2014, 01:25 AM
see


i want to feel anxiety. terror and paranoia
acid and serotonin. sodium. snacks and a pair of sodas
relax and watch a genocide across the pacific
eye of the tiger, mind of a murderer, heart of a critic
snipers on the rim get your binoculars fast
check the choppers crash cliffside. suede-jacket bomber advance
imagination gravitate towards concept and action
its not complicated as long as you allow it to happen
flower blossom planted. tall-grass garden, Alice the Wunderkind
film-reel photographic trigger my nostalgia for summertime
rubber button. rewind. scenery and months of rehearsal
my views idealistic. my remote, universal
i want to witness death and grieve but only pretend
conquer Rome for a century. wander home at the end
campfire counsel. oak, hibiscus, soldiers at 7
mercenaries at 20 and all hungover at breakfast
jumping over gorges in a Porsche 911
its believable once madness is the source of your method
script draft prescription medicine distorting perception
horses gallop in formation at the floor of the crescent
barefoot at the pond where frogs are captured in jars
until reality calls. the focus shifts, the channel is paused
i want to feel adventure. feel mortality, danger
gunslinger. travel east where thunder claps in a chamber
katana fights in autumn where the skies burn red
lose my mind with the assurance i can find it again
if all in all, we're bricks for walls, it's gonna be fine
once it grows too overwhelming you can cover your eyes
if all in all, we're bricks for walls, it's perfectly right
cause we can paint the surface any color we like


deadman

Certain
10-26-2014, 02:35 AM
NYCSPITZ: This topic leant itself to metaphoric interpretations of aspects of the image, so I liked that in the end you spun it into a literal interpretation of the image. That was a good expectation inversion, particularly after so much of your verse seemed to be leading me in the other direction. Surprising readers is part of the challenge, to me, doing something different than is expected both of you (in context) and of any writer. You pulled back a bit on rhymes (where there actually were a few issues) and obscure allusions here. The result was an approachable yet complex verse, though the scope broadened so much at the end. I'm three reads in and still unsure how I feel about ending it that way. The first half of the verse, before the tiger and Adam began their journey together, was really captivating. "It's all the tiger needs -" was a perfect turn of phrase, well-placed. The whole mystic adventure thing clashed with my non-fantasy-inclined tastes, but you executed it very well. Your phrasing was clean and unsaturated, as you sometimes have a tendency to be showy but here went more direct. And you sort of set up this adventure that doesn't happen in the verse. I really like open endings, and I really liked the very end of this verse for that reason along with coalescing the tough topic into a singular image within the context of the story. This is one of the better verses I've read by you, perhaps because you allowed yourself a little room to breathe.

dead man: It's so nice to see you back to topical battling because it focuses you in a way that your Open Mic verses often need. This verse was gripping as hell. There were so many little turns of phrase, but I'll start with the opener. As a comfortably numb person for the most part, that idea of "i want to feel anxiety. terror and paranoia" really connected with me. This whole verse did. You took the topic on this seeking a thrill without actually seeking it angle, and the result was something imminently readable and connective. It also was distinctly your own. I just did a site search for your posts with the word "cliffside," and it's been featured in six of your verses since the one bearing that as its title. Your self-referencing sometimes seems a bit kitschy, but here I didn't notice it until the third read. The dead man distinctiveness did make your take on the topic a bit too obvious and perhaps not tightly correlated enough. If you had built in a more childlike point of view, I might have seen it. But you essentially took toward the idea of adventure through graffiti as your concentration, and that didn't encompass the entire topic the way NYCSPITZ did. That's a negative, sure, but it's also an interesting balancing point. If NYCSPITZ held a major edge on macro-creativity, your phrasing jumped out as much more unique and enjoyable and made the verse as a whole more enjoyable. That's making this battle so tough to vote on. Ultimately, ambition wins out in a great battle, one of the best I've seen on this site.

Vote: NYCSPITZ

Mr. J
10-26-2014, 03:42 PM
Interesting....

NYC, Your verse starts out very nice and eventually gets so smooth
that its crazy how you put a twist to this topic and carry out an intricate piece
your grasp of your concept really draws a reader in, your vocab is well used
and you have a certain knack at just adding your twist as you progress
towards the halfway point I couldn't believe how you kept it up
At the end I was ready to read it a second time..but I digress

dead man, as usual you really brought an intriguing piece
you have a certain charm that blends well right into your verse
it enchants and often possesses a reader to beg for more
Here you do so well but end so abruptly which saddend me
its like reading a short story that's practically a haiku..
its nice but I need more...great job though

v/NYC, his verse just left an everlasting impression
both did great though

Three-Planes-Aligned
10-26-2014, 03:59 PM
NYCSPITZ - A lofty but vivid little exposition; great understated brush strokes throughout that in a select few instances ventured from the right mix of sharp and vague into the zone of the poetically bothersome. Mechanically it degenerated as well - never into anything outrageous mind you, but noticable. Great conceptual groundwork and your execution was solid with plenty of enjoyable highlights to it. Nice stuff

deadman - your tone and delivery appeals to me, a sort of quilt of seemingly (at least on the surface) disjointed observations that when brought together becomes greater than the sum of the parts. Personable and technical execution with a guiding principle of pithy, eliminating excess of syllables that accomplish little to nothing, overall in favor of fluidity.

Enjoyable match to read, razor edge close, but I'll go with NYCSPITZ for a more fleshed out reading experience (not in the sense that it was longer but rather well-utilized spacing and relevant development)

UnbornBuddha
10-26-2014, 07:28 PM
I had written a full exposition, but it got lost, so this one will have to straight to the point. Pardon me...

Deadman, your style is very uniquely yours. You rarely seem to tackle things directly. But prefer a more encompassing effect on the reader by offering a handful of images that one has to put together at the end, and see how they all come together. Not to say you do not use direct connotative effect to render a semblance of close parallel to the topic. Yet, even when doing so the words become drenched in a more ethereal feel, that although palpable, are eminently not to be grasped simply by the sagacity of the reader. But by the experience of the reader, experience of life that is. Experience in the observational aspect of the world.

NYC, I will be honest, and say you are one of my favorite reads. You have a very mature style with wording that is very elegant, yet still very approachable I find. You thrive on the exuding of narrative, and literary forms of composition. Your way of utilizing the English language does this a good credence. I will say though, that sometimes due to the maturity of your writing there is a bit pf psycho sclerotic concretion on the vessel which contains your perceptual torrent. The stream of consciousness that has developed through interacting, and developing a certain style. While, I'm not ostracizing stylistic comfort, I am stating that one can observe the whole horizon, as one stands keenly upon one's pagoda built upon the layers of tools one has developed. One can use their tools to observe a whole plethora of various interpretations. Which will mean expanding one's viewpoint which naturally defies instinct, which has come about from one's likes and dislikes. The reason I think this is relevant is because I can feel this block that prevents you from reaching pass the limits of the sky as you write. Anyways, i've rambled.

My vote goes to: NYC
Thank you both, lovely read.

asylum
10-26-2014, 08:47 PM
holy mother of God. i just want to thank both of you before i start being judgemental and saying shit i have to for the sake of picking a victor. fucking amazing writing. you guys seriously deserve blowjobs on top of mount everest high piles of cocaine from the most expensive hookers money could buy for these feats of magnificence. anyway,
nycspitz - i dont know where to start. i read the entire piece, and simply bask in its glory. i mean it's everything. it's all that ever is or will be. it is magnificent, yet wordly. omnipotent, yet tangible. how the fuck ... idk bro. i know you're sitting at home, sipping on a earl gray or something like.. yeah, i'm the boss. but seriously, i must reiterate. this shit was dope. how the fuck did you come up with the term androgynous angels? idk. i hope reincarnation is like this. i thought i was just going to die and rot and shit. this sounds WAY BETTER. you gave me hope today. i love you.

dead man - FUCKING WAY TO HIT THE OPPOSITE ANGLE! shit yeah. this is right up my alley bro. dark, sinister, abrasive, violent.. love it. instant classic. i love your stop START flow with the periods in your lines. shits dope. your flow is completely unconventional and simultaneously acceptable. i think that might be your strongest point. loved this part..
campfire counsel. oak, hibiscus, soldiers at 7
mercenaries at 20 and all hungover at breakfast
jumping over gorges in a Porsche 911
its believable once madness is the source of your method
script draft prescription medicine distorting perception
horses gallop in formation at the floor of the crescent
the whole fucking thing. i would've honestly like a double syllable carry over into the next line but the a in formation kinda matched up with the one in barefoot. so i wont complain. but that's a valid comment because you carried the rhyme for a few bars then completel changed scheme on me without a solid transition. feels strange critiquing a level of writing so far above my own, but humbly, i believe this is not simply opinion. you really hit the topic well. i really enjoyed your approach in that sense.

FUCK THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.
/v nycspitz - you told an amazing fucking story that was well rounded on so many levels and hit home in so many different ways that i cannot possibly vote against you for any fucking reason EVEN IF dead mans verse was one of the catchiest, on point, best takes on a topic.. i've ever fucking read. i am seriously overjoyed to cast a vote in this battle and you guys are fucking amazing writers. thank you so much for your effort and the entertainment it's provided. positive emoticon.

zygote
10-26-2014, 08:47 PM
There was a lot of reference mixing and switching that made NYCSpitz's submission difficult to follow. E.g., it uses the biblical "Adam," the animal morphing of a Jataka tale, and then it goes onto to other miscellaneous stuff like angels, Armageddon and Sisyphean tasks. I understand that it's a child's overactive imagination, but even if that is the case, the wording is off. It's not that the language is too cerebral, the language is great and very descriptive. The main issue is that the references are inconsistent. It's all over the place. It's quite convoluted, it was difficult to understand. It was like you were going through each part of the picture and writing a few lines about a single thing then moving on rather than considering it all as a whole.

Similar critique for dead man. E.g., the part with the three lines with numbers in a row - while creative - had three seemingly separate references. It would have been nice to see a more focused effort or a more discerning use of outside references from both. Like keep the references but limit them to one area. This is a pretty weak justification for my vote, but the difference between each comes purely down to rhyme scheme and who rhymed words closer together here. Voting for dead man.

kannon
10-27-2014, 12:27 AM
NYC. This started off really strong. The first strange part to me was the Jeep. In the picture, the kid is like 12 years old and he's got a bike, so I envisioned him young. Even towards the end, you not that he is a child. So the fact that he's got a jeep seemed out of place. I do very much like the first encounter between Adam and the tiger though. The tiger being confused by the vehicle, and how a person can be inside of it was very well written. That being said, I don't know how I feel about the two of them venturing off together when one of them is in a car. Semantics. Anyways, I had a bit of a hard time following you toward the end. I kind of got lost in the details of this glowing orb and graffiti angels. But it seems as though he discovers some type of weird jesus cave that allowed him to understand his purpose or something, and I think the "new friend" standing behind him is Eve. For him to start this "rebirth" being humanity's heir. But that last line got me confused. I'm not sure how the doll on the skateboard ties in to anything, or really has any relevance other than it being in the picture. Overall, this was good though. Kind of like The Bible meets Stargate or some shit.

Deadman. This seems very stream-of-conscious. Jumping from idea to idea, sometimes even within the same line. But the flow is super on point. And that holds a lot of weight for me. The mechanics in general are really dope. Not a lot of inner-rhymes, but the schemes played well, and none felt forced. Only rhyme I had a problem with was wunderkind/summertime. I like the dichotomy between the desire to be in the middle of something exciting and terrifying, and the idea that it's only meant to be a temporary escape. That being said, I found the constant switch of thought and ideas to be a bit jarring in places. But I also feel like it accurately encompassed the mindset of a child (like in the topic picture) so unable to focus with each immediate thought leaping frantically into another. So while it may not have been my cup of tea completely, it definitely works within the realm of what you were directly trying to accomplish. And the ending was a great wrap up.

Overall, this is kind of going to come down to personal preference, as both stories were told very well. I'd edge the flow to deadman, but otherwise, both had mechanics that maintained throughout. I kind of feel like NYC's piece just took me for more of a ride, and maybe even felt a bit more resolved in the end.

Definitely close, but I'd edge it to NYC

Mike Wrecka
10-27-2014, 12:33 AM
Vote from the phone so apologies



This was an epic battle. Both verses were incredible


NYC - A tremendous scope used here. This verse covered a lot of ground. I'll just go ahead and say it's one of the best I've read here. The rhyming and multis impressed me quite a bit. The story was very creative and that's where it really excelled the most. Conceptually it was a great idea. Sick sick sick



Dead man - did what he does. Writes stuff that just is so fluid. And this piece here really was exceptional. It just didn't engage me as much as NYCs did. The eloquence of the writing did. But the verse was not in a grand scale like ur opponents



Great battle. Sorry for the quick vote



Vote-nyc

Soulstice
10-27-2014, 01:01 AM
Oh wow. This battle was really fucking good. NYCSPITZ's verse was one of my favorites this season. . The imagery was spectacular and the wording was delicate and deliberate. Androgenous angels? Perfect. This was very good on the surface. Diving in further for analysis, searching for layers, I couldn't find many layers aside from the story. Even what the angels related to Adam has been rehashed before, but this way was fresh as fuck and very entertaining. Wonderfully told story.

Dead - The rhymes started out slow. They picked up and the content started getting great as well. The vicarious genocide line is where the piece should've started I think. The images of the katana fight and the action movie Porsche image were great, near perfect. I don't even know what to say about your pieces anymore aside from analyzing content and layers any more. You're just a well-oiled machine that churns out evocative imagery with slick motherfuckin' rhymes like clockwork. The piece wrapped up nicely at the end, the brick in the wall reference was something I didn't care for but it was pretty necessary due to the topic. I wish you worded it better. Oh I now sense a second layer in your piece: Who is Alice the Wunderkind? That relates back to the "mercenaries at 20 and al hungover at breakfast" line (which was fresh as fuck) methinks. Your character watching TV inundating himself into these people that he sees added an extra dimension of desire for vicarious-ness. Cool.

I am going against the grain and voting dead man. i was surprised to come to this conclusion after reading both verses a few times. However, my vote is always determined when I start typing my analysis.

Best battle of the young season.

Adonis
10-27-2014, 03:00 AM
7-2 NYC