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View Full Version : WK4 : Kannon(2-1) vs. Unborn(2-0) -- Buddha Wins 4-3


timeless
10-20-2014, 03:56 AM
AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/5WIzYPw.jpg


Good luck. kannon UnbornBuddha

UnbornBuddha
10-23-2014, 02:53 AM
So this is human society! Gee, I never expected it to look so vibrantly
A bustling lively sight that soothes the fire in me, the crude desire in me
That caused my downfall at the palm of Zeus as he consumed my entire being
The reprimand for trying a coup d'état, defiantly opposing the ruler almighty.
Unsuccessful, my punishment wasn’t to be executed violently
Rather, it was to view humanity, a dying breed, frightfully struggle for their futures direly
Their existence spirals into a dooming dynasty, yet their primal survival needs unlocks the final key
Ensuring evolution, the highest creed, to continue shaping their spine for free.
Man continues to build their infrastructure with an indoor posture
Civilization incurs prosper, yet the mystery of me remains a nighttime scene.
A theme in which my celestial body guides the blinded sheep into your psychic dreams
ZZZZZ- quietly sleep; count the fluffy herd until your irises bleed
Don’t worry my luminosity will prevent the sandman from invading your privacy
Thwarting darkness from having a chance to annihilate your feats.
Only problem is the cycles of the month dilate my beams
My energy is told to be a pituitary-ajna chakra- violet bliss
Nevertheless even with this destiny- oh how I miss Poseidon’s lips!


Upon first being vanquished here I thought it to be barely livable
All the dwellers of this planet all resembled crazy scary liberals
Drafting political treatises with policies drenched in airy fairy miracles
My name is Luna and I have to eternally sit in this swing of mine
Forever doomed to contemplating the intergalactic sin of mine.
Zeus, the lord all the Greek tragedies, didn’t send me to simply die
As he did to Hades when he disobeyed him in his prime, a sinister crime.
I Luna now personify the moon in its entirety, think of the nights.
But, in my past I once stood as a sex deity, thick in the thighs.
A goddess made from the light God’s eyes behold, my figure was mineralized
Yet here I was at the whim of Zeus’s lightning bolt, fired from the flick of his mind
Reduced to a mere concubine unclothed when he desired, thus my bitterness climbed
Until my insides seared with the venom spider’s hold, and my kind heart melted like ice.
So one day in cyclical time I decide revolting against the most powerful elder you’ll find
Utterly failing, I was then held in the grime of his finger nails, a helpless decline
His filth molded my sides, sculpting outside until molting my size into an astronomical astrological sign
The mythological cosmological type as per dictum by a microbiological anthological science
As for the little girl manifestation that’s the price I had to pay for fighting a diabolical tyrant.
My beauty was stripped from me for laughs, like the purpose of a comical pilot.
I who you see nightly was metabolized back into a single atom guise
By the wiggling of his phalanges, massive projectiles resembling stalactite.
Then in this metabolite form I was converted into the earth’s satellite.

In brevity,
I was a splendidly magical, endlessly fanciful, affable pleasantry with invaluable pedigree.
A lovable entity now paying a horrible penalty for an irrational felony, intractable zealotry.
Persecuted by thee majesty’s diabolical weaponry for trying to blemish his incorruptible legacy
My heavenly particles were mutated like a deadly free radical, inflammable and readily bio available.
Condemned to the sky, what you call rain condenses from my eyes.
My up and down motion of my swing is synchronized with the sensing of the tides
Affecting the rise and decline of all things, including your beloved’s menstrual time.
There is sunshine when you’re cold, and then there is the star light I have honed
To comfort you, as you face alone with no one home the dark night of the soul

kannon
10-25-2014, 01:57 AM
what attracts you to these rats is the fact that you lack candor
these facets of trash people spread fast as advanced cancer
they gather in packs like a black panther, with tactics of vast clamor
but in passing their passion averages blasphemous, rash chatter
it's fallible; taking heed to the grass in the cracked gravel
while our laughs ***kle and cages of chattel in back rattle
each vandal can throw a stone, and no matter how fast travelled
no distress from this damsel; happily in this glass castle

My father rules this city with an iron fist...
No remorse, the damage is too much to try and fix
He taught me from a young age that I was right for this
Amplify the silences and madness is the language he would fight me with
Reconcile and strike again, I'm finding appetite for it
Break me down to build me up, divide to find the might within
Never pay attention to the trying hymns, let their rhythm ride the wind
The victory is often where the violence is...

lately he hardly speaks a sober note... not that any drone would know
he's too focused on trolling hoes to try to sow his royal oats
his hopes often forego the throne, a loner in his only home
the older he becomes, his legacy is mediocre prone
losing his control, the city folk even imposed a vote
i couldn't let our name be drug through the mud on his woven rope
he lowered expectation, i swear he taught me a nobler code
so now I roam alone, and plan my only chance to overthrow

These candid moments used to only be a daydream
But when you own the city, both your hands stay clean
Promised promotions to the ogres he way paying
To bring me his head on a stake... my newest display piece
Restore the order just by opposing the mainstream
There's levels to this game, get out the way or obey me
In my glass castle... swaying on my grey swing
Hovering over my city... My favorite plaything...

Three-Planes-Aligned
10-26-2014, 04:29 PM
UnbornBuddha - This verse needs to be on a cardio routine and a diet - it's waaaay too saturated with excessive syllables that a) don't add much in terms of the descriptiveness as such and b) make for a very demanding read (which stacks further with the uneven line count and the alternating number of syllables that you rhyme off of). Imagery and what you did conceptually were on point (I was really impressed by some of the free-flowing thought expressed, tangentially to the arch, while still maintaining the overall development) just weighed down by unfocused too-muchery.

kannon - two-syllable schemes makes for this jagged shout:esque delivery sometimes (PAY-ing), but your if not clever, than at least organic, implementation of inner rhymes makes for a very smooth read. I like the anachronistic scope of the imagery, letting the tone of the hip hop lyrics format seep into whatever's-at-hand is tried and true. The theme, especially expressed in essence through your last line, was agreeing with the visual impression of your assigned picture.

For me this comes down to execution, and kannon was the smoother cat, so he gets my vote.

asylum
10-26-2014, 07:57 PM
buddha- seriously, i shouldn't have enjoyed this as much as i did. how the fuck do you push thirty syllables in a bar? it kinda worked. but it didnt. idk. anyway, this verse was hard to get into, but once i was there in the rhythm... it was actually pretty fucking cool. the wordiness fit, i enjoyed it. you made it work. you love to type,

His filth molded my sides, sculpting outside until molting my size into an astronomical astrological sign

,it's obvious to me now. i really enjoyed your story though. the mythological references were also a huge strong point for you.. and your ending was fuckin sick i appreciate the piece but flow was hurt by the absurd syllable counts and excessive modifiers.

kannon - i really liked how you started. then you introduced some abstract character and completely focused on it until you threw the swing in the end to try and bring it back. i'm not saying this wasn't dope, but... as far as consistency goes, you didn't have it. yah, you're sick. you rhyme dope, your shits compact. inners are fire, flow is legit. i just didn't feel your approach as a whole. i usually keep the song style material for no show verses and try and work the topic in.. shit i dont mean to be a topical nazi but you need to focus your talent a little bit more, in these battles, in that direction, in my humble and honest opinion. (pretty much the only time i'd ever offer u advice cuz u on point) would kick it off the top with u any day off the week tho.

/v im gonna give this to buddha. because his approach and story were magnificent. although his opponent brought more with less, buddha brought more.. with more and more.... WITH sprinkles.

CopyPat
10-27-2014, 12:46 AM
i think this was really close. 2 totally different styles but in the end a tight battle. buddha with a DENSE ass long ass verse with crazy description and intense vocab. kannon with a more straight to the point jot with tighter rhyming. Normally my preference would be for kannons style but i just think i gotta give my vote to buddha for really going hard on this. it was kinda zygoteish with the long winded vocab rhyming and the story was original and fairly interesting. kann i didnt mind ur story but when comparing the 2 i just think that buddha did more with this. although yes he WROTE more, i still think the verse as a whole just showcased more writing ability. in terms of straight out "rapping" you won this easily as u are an audio head so i get what u did but i just can't justify giving my vote to u in this circumstance. this was real close though...

Vote Big Budd

Adonis
10-27-2014, 12:47 AM
Buddha - Rhyme Scheme is easy and not the most captivating...."Futures Direly, survival needs unlocks the the final key"... I'm saying though, this syllable pattern is hardly dedicated and true, it's more lucky cluster then skill...Yadimean?. "All the dwellers of this planet all resembled crazy scary liberals" All and all in same sentence take away. then...."Drafting political treatises with policies drenched in airy fairy miracles" you displaced the rhyme scheme, essentially going slant rhyme, you do this a plenty, I'm not a fan. "Zeus, the lord all the greek tragedies didn't send me to die" not even a proper sentence. "Decline,sign, science, sign". Not the greatest of end rhymes or flow to be blunt. I appologize for being raw, but I only have few minutes to vote. This is who i am. A tale of the moon, her struggles and accomplishments. I liked the verse for what it was, although I disliked the begining 3/4's or so. You then began a solid verse with, "this is for the remedial", I enjoyed this more crisp and to the point style over the stretched and hidden meaning of before. I give this a 26/50

Kan - Good schemes, horribly under-devoloped. The end concept was not ellaborated upon, the verse fell a bit short because of this. I feel like you focused on rhyme above all. Fine, but you ended with a solid concept, but the ending was not explained throughout the verse, it simply ended there. I enjoyed the read, but feel like you missed a huge opportunity in note going back and updating the verse after you wrote it, and before you pushed send.


This is a close match, Kan had the better verse, but I really did enjoy the final stanza from Buddha. He matched, nay, beat his opponents scheme all while tying his cinceot a nice bow. While kan had structure but failed to tie the bow.


V/ Buddha

Mike Wrecka
10-27-2014, 12:51 AM
Ok cool battle


Unborn- who are u. I don't know u. Anyway, this verse was different than most posted here. A different style in use altogether. It worked quite well in my eyes. I liked the free flowing and undisciplined scheme It was all rather sporadic. Which I liked. What I didn't like was some of the rhyme strings u got stuck in . Silent, violent , tyrant That shits too easy tbh. U could have used more multis to up the degree of difficulty but u didn't. And ur verse was too long. Focus it. I don't enjoy reading something that long. Overall though it was good And the story u created was creative. See what I did there



Kanon - a much higher degree of rhyme complexity here. Using some word combinations I haven't seen before. It flowed well. U use ur audio background to really smooth the transitions. Beyond that the vocab was good. And the way u described everything was rather eloquent. Good verse. I liked it


Vote - kannon

Certain
10-27-2014, 02:48 AM
UnbornBuddha: You write like some weird amalgam of NYCSPITZ, zygote and Frank, but you haven't refined your mechanics as much as any of them. What you have done is defined your style. You use way more words than you need to in an oddly academic method. The opening scheme, with all the adverbs, was really bad. For one, adverbs are the bane of good writing. But you also just chose such simple rhymes, and the result was that everything sounded so juvenile and it fucked up your grander points. Getting rid of the entire first stanza would have helped because you have some great content once you begin the narrative. The second stanza does go on too long, too, though, which made beginning the third with "In brevity," sort of a I'm-not-sure-if-this-is-self-aware-meta-humor-or-not moment. There were a few slips in your mythological retelling, such as Luna being a Roman name rather than Greek. And I think a large part if not the entirety of this verse was unoriginal, based on the myths, which I'm not a big fan of. But I did enjoy the final stanza the most, when you pulled out a little emotional appeal that I wasn't sure you had in you. The standout thing with this verse was the take on the topic. Turning this girl into the moon was clever.

kannon: I really liked this verse. Your flow is really good, which did draw attention to the couple stumbles you surrendered. But that first stanza was ridiculous, and you smoothed it out and kept it very fluent. The concept was kind of perfect for the photo, this little girl who rules the city and swings above it. I have never watched Game of Thrones, but I keep imagining that little girl in Game of Thrones who has all that power, I think, based on my limited knowledge of the series. There's just this sort of carelessness to the photo. You could have done a lot more with the story line, but I think you wanted to keep it uncluttered. Still, you didn't stagnate on the image and developed a world, you just chose to place us in one instant rather than flesh out a plot. UnbornBuddha may have had the cooler interpretation of the topic, but you outshined him in most other categories.

Vote: kannon

Adonis
10-27-2014, 03:02 AM
3-3 Tie

Adonis
10-27-2014, 03:12 AM
King Ra. Split zygote Mike Wrecka Pinot Grij CopyPat timeless Innovator Soulstice dead man Greed
Final Vote and thank you very much
Frank Defiant

Dominate
10-27-2014, 05:26 AM
Alrighty. Disclaimer: as I said in the chat, I feel somewhat uncomfortable casting the deciding vote here bc I'm new to non-battle writing. I'm sure you'd prefer a more experienced person to be voting in my place, but alas, one is not forthcoming. Please excuse me if I miss things. I probably will. I'm sorry :(


Buddha: vocab is impressive, as is the way you weave in and out of mythological references and human emotions. I dug your approach, it was creative. Your rhymes are there, too. I think the length of your lines is just way too much in places, though, and that detracts from any sense of rhythm. Although I did like the approach I think you spent too much time describing the altercation with Zeus and it's consequence - in places it even felt repetitive. I was more digging the descriptions of the god and her perceptions of the human society below, and I think that fit the topic better. How she got there wasn't even necessary but if you had to include it it should've been much briefer IMO. Still, impressive verse.

Kannon: I think your take on the topic was more apt, if less creative. You outrhymed and outrhythmed your opponent handily. Although I liked your concept, I think it could've been fleshed out a little more. It wasn't incomplete, but I wanted to know more about the characters and their motivations. In parts it felt like the rhymes dominated too much - as in, it seemed like the story was crafted around the rhymes instead of vice-versa.

So basically, I thought Buddha wrote too much and Kannon didn't write enough. Buddha's vocab and descriptions were better, Kannon's rhymes and rhythm were better. Very close battle. Overall I'm left feeling more satisfied by Buddha's verse, so my vote goes to him

v/ Buddha