WK4 : Mike Wrecka(0-0) vs. Zygote(0-0) -- zygote 4-3

[timeless]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, October 24th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, October 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/FtPExPq.jpg


Good luck. Mike Wrecka zygote



Mike Wrecka will begin minus one vote with the option to make it up this week with an extra vote. Ziggie (welcome back) may waive the penalty if he so chooses.

[zygote]

MY LONELY PLANET TRAVEL GUIDE TO PARIS.

I arrived feeling groggy, shoddy, kind of surly,
I was jet-lagged. It was early, like 7.30.
Singapore airlines is great. I stood up in my seat.
The air-hostesses are gorgeous. In-flight alcohol is free.
I find the spinning luggage thing, I stretch, yawn like “Massive flight.”
I saw some faggot and his wife carrying like 10 roller-bags. Good job I travel light.
I find my backpack. Taxi rank outside,
I make a tower with my fingers. The taxi driver sighs.

I arrive. He overcharged. I think he thinks I am some sort of tourist faggot,
I leave the taxi and I am confronted by the beauty of Paris -

In the main area just before the Eiffel tower the street is lined with overflowing trash cans,
Heaps of rats run around, and people beg with outstretched hands.
And there is shit literally everywhere. Everything is covered in poo.
There is dogshit in the courtyard near the entrance to the Louvre.
Thick white pigeon shit coats pathways and building architraves,
Paris is a filthy cesspool. Its skyline is a smoggy grey.

I arrive at my hotel, booked online. 3 stars out of 5.
Dumped my backpack in my single room with its single light.
I witnessed a purse-snatching, did all sorts of touristy shit.
I wasted the day away, went back and had a nap until 6.

Paris smells bad outside, but it’s ten times worse in doors,
I’ve been in some shitholes before, but this smell could kill a horse.
But whatever I rolled with it, I quickly got into my usual shtick,
Smiling, drinking, taking up a lot of space, acting goofy and shit.
Yeah this place was crap, it felt like some type of morgue,
The people that I tried to talk to acted uptight and bored.
The second place was also lame, no music. Fancy special launch.
I thought this is gay. And then it dawned, I think it was a restaurant?

The next place was better. Its décor was pretty chic.
The crowd was nicer, I settled into a little clique.
My French is bad, but I talk with my hands, using my body to speak.
I badly mimed for 20 minutes. Mostly they were laughing at me.
They were fun so I got into it, acting like a clown generally fucking around.
I did dumb shit like when I said ‘Australia’ I made kangaroo hands and jumped up and down.
The girl on my near left was eye fucking me constantly,
Earlier before I got her to pour her drink into my mouth, she had a nice body.
When I pressed up and pushed my luck she didn’t pull away.
I tried to engage her directly, she said “Aaye cunt spake anglais.”
I laughed and made a blowjob thing with my tongue in my cheek,
And I jerked my head towards the exit as if we should leave.
Her friends gave her the most dirty fucking looks, like they would unleash hell.
But I know a whore when I see one, and from that bunch I chose well -

We walk a while, she starts making out badly, she breaks off the kiss,
She goes over to a bush hikes up her dress and starts to piss -
This was in the middle of a park near the center of this Paris land.
Now I realized why the streets smell so fucking bad.
It is a filthy and disgusting city. Yet, Paris still it looks nice.
We walk more, she sees some wheelchair toilets and pulls me inside.
I fingered her for ages, and I never even got to bust my nut off,
Because after a while in perfect English she told me to fuck off.
I went back to my hotel room, stared at a ceiling stain,
And I fell asleep to the sound of car horns and underground trains.

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/FtPExPq.jpg



is the horizon twisted or is my vision askew,
a magnificent view, has me in this under water prison confused,
is it light refracting, creating a prism of hues?,
the color scheme is so serene, that it has my condition subdued,
the sky is lavender and fuchsia when its traditionally blue,
my pulse slowing down is the rhythm that im listening to,
perhaps heaven is descending upon my position enthused,
my body is but a vessel that my souls slippin through,
and soon it will be empty like a gun whose ammunition is used,
this is the final chapter, as I bid you adieu,
the struggling is almost finished, im beginning renewed,
sick of being helpless , a victim abused,
so suicide is the only way to have this sickness removed,
in the final moments, life doesnt flash in front of my eyes,
all I see is sea weed gently move with the tide,
my bodies desire for oxygen, proves that im still alive,
but such inconsequential thoughts are simply pushed to the side,
instead im wondering, do angels know how to swim,
will my spirit rise to the surface when it escapes from within,
will I be able to remove these chains that are breaking my shins,
will the emotional pain ive endured be enough to erase all my sins,
im seeking a better place, somewhere I can call home,
somewhere I can be safe, from the insults that are thrown,
so I went and did something out of my comfort zone,
at the bottom of the Seine River, looking at colors, alone,
suddenly i feel light as a feather, as trumpets are blown,
free at last, from my past, finally away from Jerome,
as I rise above and look down on the city of lights,
I feel relieved knowing that everything is going to be alright


Au Revoir

[Dominate]

zygote - you're easily #1 in terms of creative takes on topics, and this verse didn't disappoint in that department. You injected a consistent and amusing personality to your character through your descriptions of places and events, and the picture you painted of Paris through his eyes fit the picture nicely. Rhyme schemes ranged from just OK in parts to pretty good in others. That wasn't a strength of this verse. But actually I think a more rhyme heavy format may not have suited the tone here anyway. Maybe that was deliberate. I won't say this was piece was great just because I've read other 'reviews' of things with a similar tone that had me literally laughing out loud, where yours didn't. But I was amused the whole way through and very much enjoyed the read. It was good. Solid. Well done.

Mike - you (easily) out-rhymed and out-vocab'd your opponent... but that was about where it ended for me. I think your take on the topic was a bit superficial. The verse was about a suicide, and the themes in the picture were incorporated almost as an afterthought - eg drowning in the Seine river as opposed to any other body of water... the first few lines addressing the skewed perception of the sky/horizon from under water redeemed it slightly. I also have a problem with the method of the suicide. Has anyone ever drowned themselves by jumping into a body of water with something heavy attached to their legs (with 'chains')? They probably have. But you'll grant me that it's a pretty unusual method. I mean, anything heavy enough to pull a person down under water is going to be pretty cumbersome and conspicuous to carry around. I don't know. Maybe your character had a particular fascination with water or some reason for choosing drowning as her(?) way to go. I would've liked to know more about the character in general - 'finally away from Jerome' was the only hint we got about what drove her to suicide. That made me not really care about her and about 3/4 of the way through the verse I was thinking 'stfu and die already you whiny emo peice of shit'.
This seems a bit harsh. More than I meant it to be. I really wasn't digging your character or take on the topic, but your technical writing ability shone through. You're obviously talented, I've just caught you on a bad week re the topic. In my humble opinion.

v/ zygote

[NYCSPITZ]

Cool. Thought some from zygotes was forced like the restaurant and au reovirus lines. Other than that it was good but ended abruptly and the perfect English thing seemed fake. Mike was more of a straightforward creative concept that I thought ended dope which edges it for him here

V mike wrecka

[Certain]

zygote: I loved the conceptual approach you went for here, as though tourists have elevated Paris into some sort of heavenly city when it's really just another dumpy metropolis. The storytelling was your standard fare, easy to follow but a bit too wordy at times, swiveling from great rhyme schemes to more simplistic stuff. But what surprised me was that you really dragged in the middle section. Your humor sensors must not be fully cranked up because the social parodies didn't really find a groove for most of the final two-thirds of the verse, up until the girl spoke English after all. That was unfortunate because you started and ended so well and because the verse was so long that the part I'm talking about (from the hotel until the middle of the final stanza, roughly) was no short span. Had you carried that section with rhyming, it might have read better and held my interest more, but you pulled back after a hot start on the rhyme mechanics. This had the feeling of a writer trying to shake out his competitive juices more than anything.

Mike Wrecka: I had such a hard time with this verse because the ending and beginning barely seemed to match up. I read it like 10 times. It seemed like you were going for something really creative, then just gave up and wrote the easy suicide ending instead. I searched for all sorts of references to "Jerome" that might have been part of some grander twist, but I found nothing. So maybe I missed something. The lyricism was sharp, better than usual even. I've liked the rhyme-heavy format you've been using lately. It's very easy to read. But the content stopped going anywhere about two-thirds of the way through, right about the time that used "emotional pain" and started cutting yourself with the dull blade of emo tropes. You had this battle won with a better ending, but it fell flat.

Vote: zygote

[UnbornBuddha]

This was an enjoyable read, both were descriptive in different ways. Zygote your descriptions was more observation in terms of 1st person narrative. While Mike's was more observational using the picture to sketch the stylistic components. Zygote had a more humorous tale about the drab setting of Paris it seems. While Mike wrecka was more melancholy using color in the image to leave an impression of feeling upon the reader.
Rhyme wise Mike wrecka had the stronger rhymes. Zygote sacrificed that element in order to expound further the dimensionality of sensory perception that the character used when rendering his stay in Paris.
And although I very much enjoyed the usage of language in Zygote's piece, I am edging it to Mike simply because his was more descriptive, in a way that felt ethereal. As if it touched upon the very shades of the image in order to evoke a response and impression upon the reader.

Vote: Mike wrecka

[asylum]

/v zygote - enjoyed the verse! story was told impeccably, flowed very smoothly. not the heaviest mechanics throughout, but the ease with which it was read balanced it out. lold at "there is shit literally everywhere." it really sounds like you don't like Paris, and have actually been there. great example of how to develop a setting... taking notes. in the end, i just enjoyed this piece a little more. it feels complete, but imo your character should've railed the shit out of that french hussy. and had the porta potty spill . that would've been glorious.

mike wrecka - my favorite part..
in the final moments, life doesnt flash in front of my eyes,
all I see is sea weed gently move with the tide,
my bodies desire for oxygen, proves that im still alive,
but such inconsequential thoughts are simply pushed to the side,
instead im wondering, do angels know how to swim,
will my spirit rise to the surface when it escapes from within,

i think the comma after oxygen would be better left out, but that's just my opinion. who the fuck is Jerome? lol. i like the reflection and acceptance your character has. what you have here is pretty good. your piece just isn't as complete as your opponents. imo, describing the act itself could have brought it to a close and made the piece feel more complete, some catastrophic instance in the beginning could've helped me get more into it, and including some similar sounds with hard edged words into their following lines could've helped your flow as well.

[CopyPat]

interesting battle.

zygote this seemed really weird from u. almost like it wasn't even you that wrote it. the use of the word faggot and some others etc just seemed STRANGE coming from u. i was NOT expecting this. the verse itself had lots of funny parts obviously and it had some good visuals and was interesting as a story but besides saying how gross Paris is i didn't really see the point of the verse as a whole...like once it finished it didn't feel complete.

MW this verse was just kinda boring dude. the writing itself in terms of flow and complexity was better than zygotes but the story was just not very interesting. the ending with a suicide didnt do it for me either.

idunno i think this is pretty close.both had their positives and negatives. i thought this pic was pretty cool but neither of u did anything too crazy with it. if im picking on whose take i liked better i gotta go with zygote. mike wrecka out rhymed u but ur story was much more enjoyable to read and way more interesting. also it isn't like ur writing was terrible it just wasn't Great.. the funniness was a plus too.


Vote: Zygote in a close one

[kannon]

Zygote. I'm immediately taken aback by your overuse of "faggot." It just seems unnecessary, even to make the rhyme. "massive flight" is a weird enough inner dialogue that I kinda feel like that rhyme scheme wasn't really even needed. Anyways, that out of the way, I really liked the closing line of the first paragraph. Seems like exactly how that would happen haha. Also, flow is starting off super smooth. Even with the differing line length, I'm still able to flow it all together. I'm a little confused as I get into section three. Your couplet between sections mentions the beauty of paris, and then you immediately call it a filthy cesspool in the next breath. Also, if you've been dropped off at the Eiffel Tower, how are you able to see the entrance to the Louvre? It's an 8 minute drive away (10 in current traffic [yeah, I google mapped it]). I'm also not blown away by your phrasing in these next sections, particularly "the main area just before the Eiffel Tower..." and "the second place was also lame..." No real description of where you are or what you see. Just, "You know, that place." Flow starts to fall off a bit in the second to last section. It also starts to get very stream-of-conscious at that point, and not particularly in a good way. Kinda hurts the flow of the story. The ending was a bit weird to me as well. phrases like "wheelchair toilets" and "paris land" just come off super weird. And the ending was just a bit underwhelming. I like that you write in a story-telling kind of way, because I do a lot of my writing in that same vein, but this just left me a little unfulfilled.

Mike. Definitely an interesting take on the topic provided. Flow was dope throughout, if not a little short in places. The phrasing had a couple hiccups that sounded a bit off, but nothing that hindered the reading experience. "beginning renewed," seems like it should have been "beginning anew." Renewed kind of directly implies it's not the beginning. Little shit. My main complaint about this is that while I feel like you did a great job describing the scenery, I didn't feel any connection with the character. Why were they committing suicide? The only thing I see related to that is that they feel "helpless" and like a victim. Which seems like some everyday type of shit. Nothing really that would require someone to kill themselves, and definitely not much of a "sickness" at all. I like the nod to the Seine River (yeah, I googled that shit too) to tie it into the France theme. I am not entirely sure who Jerome is though. Or why you are so happy to be away from him. So that kinda made the ending weird, but otherwise I think this was a solid piece. I would only add that next time I'd like to see some more character development.

I have to admit, when I kept seeing people petitioning to get Zygote to join the AOWL, it kinda gave me high expectations. While I feel like I should like his writing style, I just don't feel like this particular piece really accomplished much as far as telling a story or invoking emotion. And for that, I have to give my vote to the better rounded piece by Mike Wrecka.

Vote is for Mike

[Adonis]

Zygote 4-3