Wk5: Contender: Mr. J (3-1) vs. UnbornBuddha (3-0) -- Mr. J 6-0

[Adonis]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


Topic:http://i.imgur.com/RNhVAOD.jpg

Tumbling Dice - Rolling Stones
Mr. J UnbornBuddha


Topic:Either Or

[Mr. J]

A paradise amongst men, with an exquisite attraction to it
a gripping blues riff as you enter, some old fashioned music
the Marty McFly of my time, old habits form as I fall back into it
digging myself this hole, daydreaming & "chance" made me lucid
I hate to burst your bubble but there's some trouble
whisper to Lady Luck so i can get my worth to double
she's in my ear & her spirit is there.. but I'm not
these dollars mean more, a miracle "yea", the love I sought
since a youth I'd shoot dice in the alleyway every Saturday
it was an easy come up when luck shines on dad today
"Baby needs some new shoes" Papa needs his weed bag
Amy Winehouse needed rehab & I just relapsed
My straw's mixing drinks at the end of the bar tryna sit and think
I threw in everything from the house to the kitchen sink
pissed on the brink of insanity I'm cursed with wide eyes
now I'm broke & have to wait until the first flies by...
another month, another cycle, that's until I roll like Midas
with the confidence of the Gods, riding a chariot with Golden tires
the flyest, the term represents my fascination for wealth
I pray to the spirits that hold my cards hoping advo***y would help
not knowing the pressure I actually felt, adrenaline topping off
the rush of a perfect toss is when I'm known not to stop
losing bears heavy weight on my soul & it's thin ice I'm walking on
I could...make more than I came with & help them reclaim it
I could double it up, embrace it, then not walk away...breaking
returning home becomes a stress in itself, I'm ahead of myself
but take more steps back wondering why my own presence would help
I effected myself, my kids & wife, perhaps chance would get it right
feeling depleted like most men do who believe they are the provider
with a lust for change, paper that helps fuel my burning desire...
tired, but more than willing to regain the pedestal I'm held at
I finish my 3rd drink & return to the table I once excelled at..
shaking a pair of tumbling dice in a Scorsese flick...inhale...act
the rest of the night becomes cloudy...perhaps I surpassed my limit
soon as this hangover is gone...I swear that I'll be back to win it

[UnbornBuddha]

“Sweet black angel”

Throwing dice with strangers is an unholy crime by angels.
Still, I Sun Bu ‘Er was assigned to go and triumph Kratos!
A vampire whose reputation for exploding spines with craters
Meant I had to fit in by cloaking my own saber.
The evil spirit had taken refuge in an opium den of Thanos.
A setting not even a daredevil will traverse to
A locale even the first devil is averse to.
Built upon an Indian grave site which was later an infant slave mine
It is no wonder the residing spirits crave might
Fighting and dueling, the loser gets their head in a pike.
My colleague Azrael says the mastermind has left me to die
Because he hasn’t beget me a sign up in the heavenly sky.
Perhaps because of my Nephilim vice, forsaking my celibate life
Carnal pleasure in which I shrieked devilish cries several nights
Exposing my sensuous side, yes the helpless delicate feminine kind!
Yet I must remain true and shed this venomous pestilent hide.

If I’m uncovered I’m dead like the Christ, the essence of wine.
Yet because of my eminent bind my halo has picked up resinous grime
These flowing golden locks of hair now have sediments of lice, an elemental yikes!
A bearing so hard on my pure soul my cerebellum is spliced
Developing lesions on my mucous membranes, the pemphigus type-
A coalescing cluster of putrid skin flakes, an ecdysis shrine.
It’s like when a scoliotic mutant inflames his skeleton’s spine
Although my heart pain is expressing in hives, a hypertensive whine.
Susceptibly falling victim to a parasite’s regimented bites
Has made tetchiness rise as dreadfulness climbs.
Divine resonance becomes a tenebrous chime
As my perfection spirals into a defected smile.
Secular consciousness has caused molecular consequences
My strongest fear is having lost the Nebula’s confidence
Due to my retina’s cognizance of matters of unethical prominence
What if I’m just a replaceable replica odalisque?
Maybe I belong with this wretched sarcophagus.
Or maybe the avatar just forgot it’s my birthday
A second hypothesis to contain this world’s pain.
I crave to return to where the smell of myrhh reigned
Back home where I’m served plates of corn baked goods with an herb taste.
Here in this vociferous earth plane, a fossiliferous domain
All I get is carnivorous burned steaks from the flesh of ovoviviparous mermaids.

I finally figured it out!
I was snooping and found a treaty lying around
Having read it I’ve unsealed the guise.

The reason I was assigned this ordeal was lies,
The big guy in the sky said because I could conceal my light
A special ability that compelled my drive.
Until I found out I was to be a blood meal, a sacrifice
Why? So Kratos doesn’t come steal God’s paradise.
Then why wasn’t I eaten yet? Kratos took a liking to me.
And he said to me “Sun Bu Er’ “help me unveil my paradigm”
Kratos warmth struck me like lightning does trees.
Feeling betrayed I agreed to back up his wanting
I’ve had enough of hunting for those who’ve racked up my haunting.
So go ahead say your assumptions, call us demonic
Because how I see it you are the pathognomonic.
Righteousness and evil are both paths of destruction
Inharmonic they’ve caused my hands to not function.
Yet, somatic loss reduction has made me root for a chaotic god induction.
So now I’m living largely crucifying archangels as a Shinigami
But, believe when I do so I’m weeping strongly
A demon comment charmed me away from Eden’s garden
His third eye saw me seeking calm peace. Now at arm reach.

[Dominate]

Unborn - look, the writing is impressive - you clearly have a vast knowledge of mythology from many different cultures, and a superb vocabulary as well.... but this week I wasn't digging how you used it. I thought the take on the topic was a real cop out. You wrote another episode of Keeping Up With The Gods which had only the feeblest connection to 'tumbling dice', either physically or metaphorically. I wasn't sold on the mixture of Japanese, Greek and Abrahamic folklore - it felt awkward to me, and I found your use of vocabulary off-putting in places when the obscurity of the words seemed intended. It held my interest though, and the rhyming was very good... but yeah, overall I didn't love it. I think you have all the assets necessary to produce exceptional verses, this one just lacked a focus on the topic at hand, mainly.


Mr J - your wrote a much more tangible verse, with an obvious connection to the topic. Your rhyme schemes weren't a match for Buddha, but that's the only area I felt you really lacked in. Thought you did a great job of describing the character's thought and behaviour patterns, as well as his life, environment and snapshots of events. Everything was really well fleshed out. The "baby needs some new shoes" bar was lolz, but it fit. Overall thought this was very solid. Thanks for the read.


v/ Mr J

[zygote]

I agree with Dominate here. Pretty much my exact critiques, a more selective use of references would benefit the writing. Perhaps a clearer focus on a singular area would alleviate these little problems. The multiple rhyming was very good though, just watch-out for huge language like "vociferous" + "fossiliferious" + "ovoviviparous." That section was jarring because it seemed like rhyming for rhyming's sake. My view is to treat big vocabulary in multiple rhyming with a proportionality test - "do the ends justify the means" - or does what your writing (either within it's context or within a theme) justify having a huge word or a string of complicated words. I also think it was perhaps a paragraph too long, some of the middle sections were a bit long-winded. Mr. J was a lot more straightforward and it compared very favorably, some lines were better than others. A highlight was "since a youth I'd shoot dice in the alleyway every Saturday" - this had a nice double rhyme. Voting for Mr. J.

[Vulgar]

Mr. J - This is a Mr. J verse that's more direct and organized. I was digging your rhyme schemes throughout and the content was kept interesting. I feel like you're a few notches short of forming concepts that remind me of punchlines - I always look forward to when someone can incorporate them into topical verses. You were very in control of the tempo of the story, and I enjoyed it. Fair take on the topic.

Unborn - There were a few problems with this, relating to my opinions. Your rhyming is getting hefty - I like what you're bringing to the table in that respect. Much of the time, the way you structure your lines and the story seems like hastily constructed run-on sentences. I feel like, at this point, simplification may be your greatest ally. You're wielding potentially powerful weapons in the right hands, i.e. a gushing imaginative arsenal, a rich selection of references, good rhyming, and advanced vocabulary (which can be a detriment actually if misused, very easily). I don't think all of these elements of writing are coming together for you as of yet. The story was about an archangel who chooses to change sides when he's taken advantage of by God. He becomes a god of death, serving the god of war. Shinigami reminded me of Death Note, so the mixture of old mythology and Japanese sort of cross-contaminated any centralized mood. If the verse was about the relationship between Kratos and Sun, maybe I'd have been more entrenched in what was going on. As is, I got the impression that you were enchanted by your own rhyming prowess and tried to make this as fancy as possible, almost like topical braggadocio. I can describe you in two ways: Talented, yet young minded. Once you exercise better control over the maturity in your writing, you'll be shattering people's doorsteps with fluid commonality.

My vote goes to Mr. J.

[CopyPat]

MJ - you wrote about the topic directly and painted a decent picture while using relate-able content and vocabulary. buddha you literally did the exact opposite.
At first I didn't think mj's verse would be enough to win because it was pretty basic and predictable. but then unborn just went off on a weird tangent and it just didn't really work for me. While MJ was a maybe a little too "normal" you seemed to over-complicate the whole thing and it just felt forced and i really didn't get the reference to the topic at all.

My vote is MJ

[asylum]

mr. j - i enjoyed how your verses tone communicated the helpless gamblers malady. although you never really came to a climax, you did explain how the process goes. and you did it effectively. rhymes were good, story was told well. nice verse.
unborn buddha - you lost me at "elemental yikes" was kinda feeling it up to that point but you're just going too far. i have no idea what pemphigus, ecdysis, or scoliotic is. and i'm not going to look it up.. perhaps until after i vote. halfway through the second stanza i completely lost interest. i have no idea what you are talking about at this point. dead at "ovoviviparous." i'm not reading anymore. ok i read more. your third stanza stated off pretty good. i think you are dope, when i understand you.
/v mr j won because i knew what he was talking about throughout his whole verse. unborns wordiness only works when he's not speaking latin/japanese half the time.

[Certain]

Mr. J: I really enjoy when you find a topic that you connect with. The lyricism was in full effect, as I particularly liked the Midas tires reference and the "needs" couplet. But what I think you best conveyed was the sense of being, the sense of living on the rush of gambling in a musty casino after a few drinks with nothing but desperation and some change. The urgency surged through this verse in a very human way, so that even the occasional stumbles or spots that could have used a little more polish felt like part of the overall picture. No, this verse wasn't complex. But it did the job, and I liked the opening connection to the actual music, with the blues nod.

UnbornBuddha: I think you made a big stride this week in terms of structuring and decluttering. The writing here was much more streamlined, if still a bit laboriously dense with mythological and scientific jargon. Now, you told a clear story (though you made it hard to follow because of word choice). And I liked the conceptual relation to the topic, using "Sweet Black Angel" as well as the picture of three dice players and a beautiful woman. Mixing mythologies and histories was a strange decision that mimics to a degree what you did last week, as you sort of build toward this unique place with each of your verses. There's a lot of potential there, though league writing may not be the ideal format for it. I liked a lot about this verse. But I hated most of the middle section. There was no action in that middle section, and the descriptions were about as direct telling-rather-than-showing as it gets. Imagery has to create images to be effective, to draw any real connection and resonance with the reader. Mr. J did that well. But I thought that huge middle section of your verse failed to draw me in and also failed to advance the plot. More time could have been spent on Sun Bu'er's deceit and less on her torment of sorts. Alternatively, that torment could have been described more vividly. It was tough to connect to this verse even as I understood it.

Vote: Mr. J