wk5: Zygote 1-0 vs Dominate 1-0 -- Dominate 5-0

[Adonis]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


Goodbye yellow brick road - Elton John


http://i.imgur.com/AKaVpV8.jpg

Goodluck
zygote Dominate

[zygote]

MALE PROSTITUTION IN PAKISTAN SET TO THE LYRICS OF GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD.

“When are you going to come down?
When are you going to land?
I should have stayed on the farm.
I should have listened to my old man.”

His arms are wrapped around his shins,
All curled up as the world around him spins.
He’s shaking, sweating, alone. The concrete floor is cold,
This corner of the room is the place he calls a home.
He dry heaves, the sun has set – a new day awaits him,
He leaves and crawls off to the nearby railway station.
The teeth in his head chatter. His pace is slow and never gets faster.
Now he’s just waiting in the alleyways where the men gather.
He remembers his father, his mother and three sisters,
His image of this little village shattered as his feet blister.
His pain is great. He no longer attempts to even concentrate.
A cabbie passes by; look of disgust on his face, our hero just waits.
Within one year he has lived a lifetime of pain and violent abuse,
A large man passes by and stops and stoops down to tie up his shoe.
A Niqab clad woman draws attention from all the nearby men.
Her husband ushers her past, amidst the leering from the men.

“You know you can't hold me forever.
I didn't sign up with you.
I'm not a present for your friends to open.
This boy's too young to be singing - the blues.”

A man approaches, dressed in uniform, groomed, tall and strong -
The Police officer offers our hero cash if he agrees to come along.
So he goes with the officer, along to a nondescript van.
Inside the back of the van there is second man.
He sees the second man, he feels threatened, he tries to flee,
The officer grabs his arm violently – “This is time for me.”
When the two men are finished they throw him out into the street,
The two men stomp his broken body against the flat concrete.
The officer kicks-in his head; it’s a boot with steel toe.
The impact smashes-in our hero’s skull with a single blow.
His brain haemorrhages, blood seeps through delicate tissue,
Inside he remembers his faraway home - every memory’s blissful,
The other man searches through his pockets but can’t steal much,
As outside our hero shakes. His fingers lock and seize up.
His chemical levels rise, his childhood flashes before his eyes.
As he lies on side his right arm shoots out towards the sky.

“So goodbye yellow brick road,
where the dogs of society howl.
You can't plant me in your penthouse.
I'm going back to my plough.”

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDOL7iY8kfo

[Dominate]

Jesus. You literally wrote that in 16 minutes or less.

Lmao check. My verse will come much later.

[Dominate]

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – Elton John


It starts as an infant. Ritual sacraments mark the commencement
of a charted existence. Towards a majestically pretty celestial city,
far in the distance. The magnificence of it is impressed on you quickly;
in perpetual sunlight - it sparkles, resplendent,
with gates made of pearl for a marvelous entrance.
Its brightness & glory, - blinding! - it’s harmful to glimpse it
But stained glass optical lenses let you view it in all of its brilliance.
Inside, the hearts of its denizens brim with joy, and ardent contentment.
Hardships are ended, and all within are bonded in friendship.
Of the one who sits the throne, little’s known - he’s guarded, restricted.
& when he does grant an audience, he appears in fireballs, & in whispers.
His powers are vast & incredible – truly, a mark of his kingship.
It’s said he can conjure the wind with no more than a thought or a sentence
And his wrath is terrible - if you break his laws or posit resistance
But he’s good - imparting forgiveness to those who offer repentance.
Daily, throngs of petitioners beg his favor and call for assistance –
“make me smart!”, “give me courage!”, “fix my heart!” - it’s persistent
From afar it’s a mystery - we perceive only sparse interventions
But the closer you are to his kingdom, they say, the sharper your wisdoms.
Many claimed they could reach it... One such group was large and momentous.
They had knowledge of every step - all you needed to do was follow directions
“Follow, follow, follow ….” Their sonorous song was entrenched in
the minds and hearts of their henchmen, standing tall at attention.
With some occasion, another way would garner calls and contentions
But the advocates of such were dismissed as false & pretentious.
“why would you turn towards it?” the Straw Man argued against them,
warning of another realm whose monarch was dark and malignant.
...
And so, John was conflicted. At a crossroads, lost in an instant.
He’d been told to go straight… but that was at odds with his instincts.
He was drawn to the other path, - felt it calling in all of his senses.
He chose it, hoping it would lead him to god where it ended.

[UnbornBuddha]

First off all, I wish to thank both of you gentlemen for the read.

With that said let's proceed. Zygote, according to Dominate's comment you wrote that in 16 minutes! Golly that is quick. As a voter I also have familiarized myself with the past writings of the contenders. What I have read from you has been very impressive, striking a chord in my very being. However, this did not bring that awe that suspended me in some of your other entries. Although, it is descriptive, and contained therein great story telling elements it lacked that sparkle which having read your past submissions you are fully capable of. Perhaps, I will go on a limb and say: take more than 16 minutes to write it! While an impressive time management skill, it is apparent your full potential was not unleashed. Also your story did not resonate with me. It felt a bit meaningless, and emotionless. And by meaningless I do not mean that it doesn't have inherent value, but more that its directionality seems to be without greater meaning. At least from what I drew from it. The writing appeared to be from a nonfiction read, so the writing was dynamic. A living embodiment that emanated from an author. Yet, what emanated was not as noticeable as what Dominate had projected.

Dominate, as you can probably ascertain I am leaning toward you. Your schemes were fabulous, and you kept them ongoing through the whole piece. Now it may become cumbersome or tiresome for some readers, but I think the scheme you chose prevented this effect from eliciting. Now as for the story you fleshed it out well. Although, you did become a bit too stuck on describing the heavenly kingdom, and the passage of belief that leads toward it. It would had been nice if you actually described John's conflicted state a bit more. Because the approach you took resembled the well known poem I'm sure your familiar with, the "road not taken, by Robert Frost". Of course you added this Abrahamic connotation to this untraveled road. A road that is trekked on by belief, and instinctual drive. As I said, if you unraveled this more your piece would have been much better for it. It would had added more of a psychological thrill to it, instead of the usual routine that as you said is "impressed on you quickly". I say this because if Zygote had come full force with imaginative magnanimity, then the vacant lack of depth and interpretation would had been a deciding factor pitting against you. So more penetration into the various angles of how you can perceive phenomena, both mundane and supernatural, would enhance the long term impression this piece has on the memory bank. As well as giving it a more ruminating quality for the heart to introspect on, reflecting the profundity of all vastly conceptual serenades.

Vote: Dominate

[Mr. J]

This was interesting

Zyg, your verse seems more abstract than it usually is
It feels loosely based around the topic and plays background to the verse
making it fit aroind the war story you wrote making the vibe stick out
if it were a movie this would be a fitting song to each action
which is nice because how else can you add a effect to the piece
while also giving ir life.

Dom, you focused more on the "famous" aspect of the topic
at which point you put emphasis on a more adult view and carried on
about half way through I finally understood where you were going
which made the verse memorable due to the classic vibe
and you really know how to use your vocab to play with the picture painted
It was a great verse all around and brought a interesting twist

v/ the problem here is that both writers are great in their own right
and it makes for a great battle and these are the kind I like
even if Zyg wrote his verse in a short amount of time I feel like I understand it now
but Dom here brought a classic verse based around a well known story
bringing characters and a journey to the topic, as did Zyg....
Ima have to go with Dom on this one I loved Zygs verse don't get me wrong
this is another tough battle to vote on simply based on the clash of styles
you both focus on the stronger points in your style and it works well
It was close and worth the read


My vote goes to Dom

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Two conceptually strong pieces that struck chords ranging from the subtle/nuanced/reality-grounded to mystic/magic/mayonnaise-thick-schemes-of-dope-imagery, both displaying a flair for the understated. This match is a great showcase of when execution becomes the deciding factor because zygote's piece was needlessly dull and filled with jagged nursery rhyme-styled schemes that's amounted to such breaks from the format that it sometimes read like a limerick. Dominate executed to the fullest, it was fluid and impressive - so he gets my vote, as simple as.

[CopyPat]

Zy, i'm not sure why u rushed and keyed this verse in 16 mins lol. again this didnt even feel like it was written by you as im so used to seeing polished verses with heavy rhyming from u. ur story had some good imagery but i felt the scheming and rhyming were Waaaaaay too basic.

Dom - I really liked what u did with this. cool concept which u executed well. everyone knows the follow the yellow brick road quote from wizard of oz but this didnt come off as a played idea, at least to me anyways. your rhyming was quite fluid as well and you had way more of a technically challenging verse than zy. good enjoyable verse here

Vote: DOM

[King Ra.]

I figured the only way Dominate could pull off an upset would be to write his ass off. And he certainly did. Dom, I am highly impressed with your work this week. You also got a little help from zygote, who didn't really put together an intriguing story as he usually does. That's not to knock off what he put together. It was good, but not great like most of your work is. What hindered your piece for me, was the story itself. I really couldn't get into it. It read like a basic story. Usually you're far more creative, and this story lacked that creativity. Probably needed more than 16 minutes to hit that point. I liked the "chorus" like stanzas in-between the sections. You had the descriptions & a bit of a depressed? sort of tone. But there were moments where your writing sort of took the wrong route & the story just never really picked up. Dom, on the other hand, came up with a pretty fresh concept. I think your rhyme scheme helped majorly in moving your story along. Strong vocabulary. The imagery & detail was pretty good as well. The way you told the story though is what really impressed me the most. You had an idea, built on it & put together a fresh take on a classic tale. I would have like a bit more description on the John character though. You described the kingdom & the "king" much more than John. Nonetheless, it was a minor issue, as you wrote good enough to earn my vote.

MVGT: Dominate. Good job by both competitors.

[King Ra.]

Dominate wins, 5-0. Closed.