wk5: 3Pa (2-1) vs. dead man (2-2) -- dead man 6-3

[Adonis]

AOWL Season IV, Week 3

OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Thursday Oct 30th, extenstion to ALL, Halloween the 31st., 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 2nd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


Topic:http://i.imgur.com/oRpXT0I.jpg?1

Piece of my Heart – Big Brother and the Holding Company

Topic: Either Or
Three-Planes-Aligned

[dead man]

ah


bloodletter compulsions. red and silky and warm
if we film it its porn. dripping as the camera records
indulging in juices for 20 minutes or more
let it fall, Berlin wall, lick it off of the floor
sacrificial at its source like crucifixes or swords
delicious as dinner at any Hilton resort
craving endlessly from Ashland to the sands of Milan
grease and oil like standing near a tanning salon
thicker than tomato sauce but half as exotic
its primal eroticism. animal process. collective hunter-gatherer conscious
stacking bread, all that nonsense. whether cheddar or swiss
the final result is looking sexy as shit
sink my teeth in. muscles tighten, sinewy snap
ever had an orgasm in your intestinal tract?
let your vessels relax. lettuce light the medical hash
tastebuds are the center of this fleshy romance
satisfied, no strings attached. i mean, whats better than that?
i feel like Kevin in class. anxious, asking Wendy to dance
sensory trance. the scent is sentimental, in fact
so i'm eating out for days til i've digested that ass
let it melt down into plastic on linoleum chairs
were making love in public here but nobody cares
open affair. napkins and trays. collaborative stains
i'm a connoisseur, grillmaster and an addict the same
that familiar grinding itch inside the back of my brain
begging me to hit the nearest fast-food chain
and i know it isn't over til i'm dead as a rock
even that last triple bypass couldn't get me to stop
the art of burger, call it murder - tease it apart,
lost a piece of my heart in a diner down in Jefferson Park
wax paper transparent at our greasy departure
bleeding ulcers. eye sockets probably couldn't be any darker
eat your heart out, she said to me, and wandered along
so here i sit. in ecstasy and artery clog


deadman

[Three-Planes-Aligned]

Behold: Fatal attraction; animal magnetism
that animates flesh with irrational masochism;
A numb awareness struck with fluttering passions
- running the gamut of mannequin mannerisms
as we organize love with mechanical pragmatism
in schematics proofed against rampant antagonism,
tele-evangelism, calamitous vandalism
- the cannibal cataclysm and savage expansionism
Dejected figures that protect a prison
- with fuses for subjective miscues in it's connective tissue
Collective issues: our planet's metabolism
- that we compress to crystals of demented wisdom
in the mental kingdom's metric system
- that measure the messy imprints of projected symptoms;
stagnant anachronisms through an introspective prism
- reducing the best intentions to prophetic visions
Here I sit atop a pile of corpses
- a mediocre poet writing for the deprived and hopeless
with a quiet focus, providing a slight condolence
- for the strife endured within the confines of your diagnosis
The feeble alarm of a dreamer's preachy remarks
what's a measly guitar against city-wide pyschosis?
It's getting fatiguing to talk, so have my peaceful ragards
- and a piece of my heart in every defiant opus

[Mr. J]

This battle felt really good and really close

dead, your verse rolled off the tongue as I read it
the beginning of your verse was very smooth to me
and as always you know how to work in some great vocab
its impressive how you keep up the numerous syllables
weaving in and out the verse like some spectacular..
I have no idea...quilt maker..blanket me with more my friend

3Pa, I'm not quite sure who you are but have kept an eye on you
you also seem to captivate me as your verse continues on
the verse kept the same length as dead's as well as your vocab
you brought a strong verse and made this a tough choice

V/This battle is a very great match up in my eyes
its like looking into a mirror seeing the difference and the similarities
you both brought a great adaption to your piece
and really make it tough to vote, both are amazing in eyes
this was based on memorability......vote goes to 3pa

[UnbornBuddha]

Spectacular exhibition by two heavyweight contenders. This is not an easy battle to vote on particularly because I liked both verses! But I if had to choose a victor I will have to ponder it as I do a short breakdown of each entry.

Deadman: Your language is one of imagery. You bask in contentment creating a image that will render itself into the mental retina of the reader. Although, the folly in such approach might be the inherent or momentary blindness that enshrouds the reader as he or she reads your composition. By this I mean because you speak in such comparative analogies, and allegory then they might skip over the essence of what you are trying to convey. In this piece you wrote essentially about cardiovascular disease, and the morphological tendencies that a presumably overweight individual has. An addiction to the American staple, hamburgers. What impressed me the most was the way you weaved conceptual medical terminology, as well as laymen terms with familiarities such as the "Wonder years" reference. The intestinal orgasm line also produced a hearty chuckle, quite an image that is. Other memorable lines were
"its primal eroticism. animal process. collective hunter-gatherer conscious...
that familiar grinding itch inside the back of my brain"
You expounded on a man's love affair with a food substance in a way that described the psychological and brain habitual effect that goes along with such addictions. Although I do feel at times you let up, and failed to truly convey a more lasting effect, in other words redundancy took over. Perhaps if you described the brain chemistry that goes along with this addictions or the neurotic effects, perhaps what the doctor said to the patient. Or how their family feels about watching their loves one commit a slow suicide through a bodily harm that temporarily feels so pleasurable. I bring this up because although I very much enjoyed the way you approached the topic, I still felt it could of been refined more so.

3PA: Although Deadman has this knack for weaving in or knitting into his rhyme basket his rhyme schemes you still bested him with your language and lingustic patterns. Now that alone does not mean victory. What ensures it is conceptual/ metaphorical depth and precision. Yours was a bit more puzzling to decode. Not because the language was more terse, but because you have a tendency to jam as many schemes that each sentence reads with a compact cadence. What impressed me the most were this 4 lines:

"- with fuses for subjective miscues in it's connective tissue
Collective issues: our planet's metabolism
- that we compress to crystals of demented wisdom
in the mental kingdom's metric system"

This lines alone shifted the constellation's axis into your favor. And since I am a man that follows the song of the universe I must listen well. Anyways, before jesting more I must proceed to describe some of what I took from this entry. I believe you went more with the hypnotic effect that entertainment perhaps has on the masses. The power of an artist can brainwash through the medium of artistic neurolingustics, which homes into the listener's sense of self, both animalistic, social, and individualistic.
Now this was just one slight interpretation I arrive from a few lines. The major one was the perspective of the artist of the world and its issues as his trying to make a change into the present state psychosis, as you so succinctly put it,
"The feeble alarm of a dreamer's preachy remarks
what's a measly guitar against city-wide psychosis?"

Anyways, I must retire. And so my vote goes to 3PA for his more thought provoking endeavor.

Thank you both.

[Greed]

Dead man the verse was decent although I feel ive seen this particular story of intentional misdirection a lot in this league. While this was done well, 3pa took an approach that gave him openings for some intense stanzas. Good work to both

V 3pa

[Zen]

dead man: lol. This was awesome. Flowed like butter till it gave me a triple bypass, nawmsaying? Me neither. The style of writing in this was identical to what you usually drop, but the content was something I don't think I've read from you before. It wasn't serious. Instead it was a bit lighthearted, and I appreciated that from a league where verses are usually all about some sad, depressing shit. It was a nice change of pace and I enjoyed it.

3pa: I can see why you're doing well in the league. The writing here was very good, but honestly it felt like each line was a little TOO much. Fourteen twelve syllable words in quick succession is a little redundant and takes me out of the reading experience. While black's verse transported me out of my daily life, or a better way to say that is it painted a picture in my mind of another scenario, your verse just came off as some cool rhyme schemes. There's nothing wrong with that at all because I do the same thing, but black's verse just resonated better with me.

V/blacketh

[CopyPat]

Pretty good match here. i like that 2 highly regarded dudes kept their shit short and didn't write monster verses that no-one wants to read, good shit.

black i fuckin loved this verse. flow was smooth as shit as usual and the way u worded everything was just goddamn elegant. imagery was dope and obviously it was on some pretty relateable content. thoroughly enjoyed this.

3p- the style that u used in ur rhyming at first came off too regimented to me. it felt forced and not fluid. you then calmed down and it started to flow more naturally about 2/5 of the way through ahaa. ur idea wasn't as direct as blacks which was cool i guess but personal preference on this i just preferred his verse as a whole over yours. i think u woulda won with this verse (and still might) against a LOT of other dudes, but for me black edged u in this one.

VOTE: Deceased Male Human

[King Ra.]

Dope match up here. Impressed by both but one intrigued me more than the other. 3PA, you use of complex schemes & deep vocabulary far exceeds every other member of this league. This week, once again, you put on another great display of writing. The content itself was interesting, from the few lines I was able to grasp some form of idea from. What hurt this verse though for me is literally the rhyming. It sort of takes away from the piece in dissecting & understanding it. As I mentioned, there are a few lines that I could pick apart, but then there are just as many that seem overloaded with rhyming. Again, your writing is top notch, but if you toned the rhyming & vocab down a bit, I think you could have easily reeled me in. dead man, on the other hand, reeled me in. I must say, I've read so much of your work Black, & it's always butter smooth & intelligently written. Abstract & full of thought provoking lines. As I read your story this week, I found myself like "okay, I see where this is going" to "oh, wait it's not that" to "ahh-ha!". Your verse was just an excellent piece of writing. I'm not going to really talk about the fluidity of your schemes, we all know you are superb in that department, but the concept of your piece and the direction you took was what really sealed the deal for me. I honestly thought this was a love story between two people; you had those sex references in the beginning, but as I read on, everything came together & I saw the overall picture you were painting. Very creative take on the topic. I liked that a lot. Even using the topic at the end was a great way to sum up an excellent write up.

MVGT: dead man. Good job by both competitors.

[Certain]

Three-Planes-Aligned: I have to admit that though the full rhyme carried through the first half of the verse was impressive, the use of all those -isms was a bit offputting, not only because of the easy of the rhyme but also because -isms are inherently boring and two-dimensional. They dehumanize human values and turn social studies into social sciences. I guess that's a decent albeit harsh summation of this verse, until you get to "Here I sit." That's the turning point. Had you written the entire verse in that tone and with that level of sincerity, it would have been a true masterpiece. It's those eight lines where I see why I think you can be the best writer in this league, because you so seamlessly weave together intellectual concepts and ridiculous rhyme schemes. I think you shifted topics a bit throughout this verse, though you pulled it together. The thread was there, but it was a bit loose at times, especially in the middle of the verse. The first six lines made me think this was a mating-ritual take, which would have been an interesting and good use of the topic, though again a more human touch would have been appreciated. Writing about writing and specifically writing about your own writing is a bit trite, but again, you executed so crisply that I can forgive the subject matter to a degree at the end. This was a solid verse with a few flaws that were overshadowed by the powerful close.

dead man: Fuck, man. This might be my favorite verse from you. Everything was so damn real and sensual. The double entendres could have been so corny but instead created real, palpable tastes in my mouth. I'm fat. I loved this verse.

Vote: dead man

[asylum]

dead man - nice fat kid manifesto. pretty fucking good actually. you threw me through a loop on purpose i believe, then brought me back to where you were actually going. kinda like a fake out twist. i like the approach, and the verse in general. your trickery is appreciated.
3pa - wow you're not even joking with your scheme as you start. pretty serious shit. very serious shit actually. i gotta give you props, you rhymed like a motherfucker here. just not really sure what you're talking about. you set a great tone, and moved about inside of it well.
/v dead man - he told a better story. 3pa's strict topical approach was admirable, at the very least... dead man's verse just gave me more. i think the reverse twist helped him a lot here, because it gave me a moment of .." hah! you sly devil..." where i didn't realy get that from 3pa as much as i went "damn sun." kinda hard call, but dead man got this in my opinion.

[kannon]

dead man. dope. flow was there for most of it. i liked your take. solid shit overall.

3pa. cool. kinda wordy. mechanics are on point though.

sorry for the shit breakdown, but i hope you guys trust me.

i'll edge it to the undertaker. (dead man, get it?)