WK6: Zen (0-0) vs Storyteller (0-0) -- Zen 6-1

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 6


OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:


Lost in a Haze


Good luck, Zen and Storyteller.

[Spoken]

Crafted by man a serpent growing with time
Embodied with warmth a formulating design.
Channel zero exclusive; 9:45 blueprint,
Safety zone with only several witnesses' included.
Hands clasp with temperatures low to stay calm; relaxed
But dilation every 6 became 4 so there was no time for that.
Strength as the tallest of giants she pushes relentless,
As he coached obnoxiously using his arm as a head rest.
Comfort and support he displayed just to show he cared,
Did all of the silliest things to have her conscience repaired.
Onto his arms she laid twiddling keeping her close
Keeping her warm as he proposed the name of this rose.
That's what she shall be.. rose.. A beautiful asunder
She saved him naturally as her joy kept him from going under.
Till this day the excitement and love rattles his brain
When he tells of being a father he still gets lost in the haze.


Zen dropping now

[Zen]

We set sail last night following the moon, the palest light,
The Captain wrote, his hands compelled with life.
He dipped his pen inside the inkwell to write,
With the Blue Bird, oh! How I swell with pride.
Janice, my lover, if only you could witness the sea and its glory.
The gulls overhead, and the orange sun greeted us this morning.
A force rang throughout the ship that drug him from his notes.
He fell down onto the cabin floor; the ink slung on his coat.
His quartermaster ran in, “Sir, we’ve run onto the coast.”
The Captain gathered his bearings and ran out onto the deck.
Fog surrounded The Blue Bird. They could find no land out in this mess.
He leaned over the railing to see that a rock had cracked the hull.
Water rushed in rapidly, it seemed it halfway full
The ship began to sink, and The Captain listened at the gulls.
They were different now, they squawked a promise of grace.
All things drift when they’re lost in a haze.

[timeless]

Storyteller showed that it's difficult to tell a well-rounded story in 16 lines or less. His tale of a women's pregnancy left open ended questions and a lack of excitement. I didnt understand where the opening tied into the rest, and the Rose bit seemed forced. Great detail though. Zen came with sort of the opposite as his opponent, painting more of a vivid scene. This is a tough one to vote, I think I have to take the seagulls eye contact with the captain over a girl giving birth at home.

V. Zen

[Dominate]

Story - take on the topic was OK. You could've written about a loooootttt of things by interpreting the topic phrase as you did - "getting lost in a haze of emotion". Not really a criticism but it gave you a lot of leeway in what to write about. Flow/rhythm was good. Rhymes were a little basic but they served well enough. Liked your description of the hospital room where the character's wife is giving birth as a "safety zone with only a few witnesses included". You did a good job moving the story through the labour, birth, and then the first few minutes of the baby's life, adding enough detail to paint the picture and emotional state quite well. Didn't like the rose line - corny, and in a couple of places you misused words (eg 'strength as a giant' should be either 'strength OF a giant' or 'STRONG as a giant'. The word 'asunder' was also misused). Not sure about the "repair her conscience" line. What did she do to damage her conscience? Maybe you meant consciousness... Right after that line you needed to refer to the baby with something besides the pronoun 'she', because you'd just been using it to describe the wife and so it was confusing for the reader. All of these things are minor faults individually, but all together they did take something away from your verse for me, unfortunately. Still a pretty decent verse overall. Good job.

Zen - your take on the topic was more ambitious, - contrasting the literal meaning of 'lost in a haze' with the captain's emotional state, - and you pulled it off well enough. There was nothing to nitpick at in terms of your word choice as there was in your opponent's verse, and your rhymes were a little more impressive. These are the deciding factors which are going to make me vote for you. You also moved your story along nicely with a good choice of descriptors - liked the return to the gulls. Good, solid verse. Thanks for the read.

v/ Zen

[Mr. J]

I don't know what these other two are talking about...

Story, I felt your verse was nice for what it was, it was short, sweet
and showed very subtle signs only recognized by the experience of life
it draws you in as you continue through, adding more to the piece
it's a little more abstract then one would like to understand but I see it
very well done sir...I applaud you...

Zen, You take a step in the opposite direction still showing the same vibe
but in different aspects as well as a different story that shines very well
you add visual which is great especially for the limit given to you both
drawing in not only the character you created but also the reader as well
I felt like this piece was very well done, nice work

v/I feel both competitors really did work as far as short verse goes
you really attach this sort of grasping tale together and make it easy to read
most people would turn their verses into paragraphs, you two didn't
you laid down some nice work fella's...but...my vote has to go to Zen
he had the better verse, Story delivered very well though and shined
nice battle fella's

[zygote]

Quite a beautiful story by storyteller, I really enjoyed it. My only criticism is a technical one, you used the word 'asunder' incorrectly. Asunder is not a noun. Asunder is like a word that is interchangeable with the word 'apart' it is most commonly used in a phrase like 'torn asunder' - 'drawn asunder' - 'thrown asunder.' You basically wrote that the newborn was "A beautiful 'apart'." Only a technical criticism, in terms of choosing what topic to write about and content, you really excelled. Perfect choice here. Zen's submission had excellent content as well, it didn't feel as interesting as the first, but it was still great. While reading it when the quartermaster character was introduced I was concerned that you were going to ruin the earlier part about the love between the far away captain and Janice with some sort of forced plot twist. You didn't because you kept the focus squarely on the captain's emotions. It was good writing, you could have easily butchered it there with a less nuanced ending. Also, the tone in the italicized parts was great - it really felt like some type of historic love letter, e.g., "oh! How I" + "Janice, my lover." That part was very impressive. I probably should vote for Zen based on technicalities and quality of writing, but something with Storyteller's content clicked with me and some of the flaws somehow added to it's enjoyability strangely enough. Emotionally voting for Storyteller.

[Cereal_Killa]

Storyteller:

describing your station is sensational.. from out the gate..

Channel zero exclusive

But dilation

when your clock starts, nice..

so the chew out of the flower an people still growing even though it completely gets shit all over.. n everybody else.. I find it nice..

a lil bit of a cracker..

Zen:

We set sail last night following the moon, the palest light

The gulls overhead, and the orange sun greeted us this morning.

you got me twisted on your high seas sir.. Im enjoying your waves n im no black pearl myself..

He fell down onto the cabin floor; the ink slung on his coat

the way you catch the readers eye on one of the most simplest of actions.. was done real well..

this was a really poetic verse.. im proud to have read it..

vote = zenland

that ish was cool guys thanx for that jazz..

[kannon]

LOST IN A HAZE

Story. um. Okay, so this is the first time I'm reading anything from you. Admittedly, your wording is a bit of a turn off. "embodied with warmth" immediately is weird. Embodiment is used to give a physical form to something not tangible. embodied by warmth maybe. I dont know. It's just weird. "have her conscience repaired" was another cringe worthy line. Schemes were fairly simplistic, which isnt always a bad thing, but it can come across a bit boring some times. It's a decent story, but nothing really out of the box. Kinda just explaining what happened. If his retelling of this story gets him so excited, it may have been beneficial to include some emotion and panic in the father, rather than just recounting the facts.

Zen. A more direct approach to the topic of literally being lost inside of a foggy haze. The front half of the verse set the scene nicely. Not only telling the story of them being on the boat, but kind of set it up as the B-story, with his love letter driving the piece. Keeping in mind with that, I would have liked to see you revisit that in the ending. Even if just a mention of the captain thinking about her as the ship sank, something of that nature to round out the beginning. Mechanics were good, but I hate when people drop a rhyme on an uneven bar. ie, notes/coat/coast/deck. even though you evened it back out, it kinda takes me out of my rhythm. Semantics. Anyways, I liked the idea behind this, and execution was pretty solid. I would have just like a little more inner dialogue from the captain toward the end.

Vote is for Zen

[UnbornBuddha]

Storyteller- a tale, or rather an emotional description of the joy of becoming a father as newborn life unfolded. A retelling of a memory implanted in the father's psyche as he experienced becoming one. And this retelling brings about a haze. I'm not exactly sure how it does so, I don't feel you fully expounded upon the process of how it does so. Anyways, I liked it. Although, the wording was clunky at times, but nevertheless I cannot say I disliked anything in particular either. It was decent and heart felt, yet nothing was spectacular.

Zen, you wrote a piece of a sinking ship. Though that took only part of the verse. You also wrote on the Captain's journaling to Janice detailing his love not only for her, but of the sea. Ironically his latter love did him in. Yet, as his ship plummeted, I'm assuming its his ship since his the captain, but you never know. Anyways, as the ship plummeted the gulls delivered a song of grace, perhaps a lullaby of an approaching death. Although, when you stated there were different now, you did not state the previous incantations of the gulls. I found that a bit flawed. Nevertheless, I think this was a well done topic. After all the sea is very affiliated with fog, storms, and such. Thus, it can bring about the same feeling onto others, as it engulfs them either through work, or through plunging them into its deep waters. I do feel some of the narration was a bit dry, and some of the lines were kind of filler. For example, the significance of ink spilling. I get the hurried meaning of it, but it would have been nice if there was more symbolism to such things. If not, then the use of other more meaningful lines that would add to the story rather than take needless space.

Vote Zen.