WK6: timeless (3-2) vs dead man (3-2) [dead man wins 5-0.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 6


OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:


Still Alive


Good luck, dead man and timeless.

[dead man]

empty and dry. stale cherrywood, ashen or pine
cold breath. pitch black. half paralyzed
heart beat like thunderbolts. sawdust in my skin
recalling who i am but not quite sure of where or when
jar of hearts. heart of sin. amassed a lengthy collection
of bridges burning. different shapes, or dimensions. its raining above
i feel it drain in the mud. spongy wet like labia buds
to perpetuate the cycle - we decay. in a tux
polished nails, copper bells. scented with toxins
leather shoes you only feel when kicking the coffin
so heavy, this oxygen. lived shoveling perpetual dogshit
gave it back, hit the road and got arrested in Boston
cleared of all charges. cross the street, get assaulted
comatose like motorboats asleep in the waters
reaching harbor, half-rotted. screamed, still nobody's arrived
so let the sense subside. smiling cause we never will die.


DEADMAN

[timeless]

I thought I had heard my cigarette scream for help.
I would too if I was burning slowly toward Hell.
Reel in desperation for kicks, even though I'm stuck in staccato.
They say my circuits are pears, but they're really avocados.
My world connections collect great, eccentric confidence.
So let me wire the tides to flow forth and annex the continents.
I expect to die this evening, preferably in the golden hour.
When the sun melts hearts, I'll be the snowman holding ours.
I'm a slut for torque, an identity crisis ends in a tug of war.
Alarm clock snore reward, then I take lunch at four.
Mass consumptions of hallucinogens have consumed me.
My beauty is loosely based on my cruelty and my groovy
sense of '60s era ruby glow in my step. I make the crowd undress.
Sue me. Unless my duty here on Earth involves an Uzi, then I digress.

[zygote]

Neither competitor tried to work in the topic directly. It felt like both used the theme of 'life' to influence their writing. In that sense, deadman seemed superior. E.g., Compare the first two lines for each - deadman has "empty and dry. stale cherrywood, ashen or pine
cold breath. pitch black. half paralyzed"
timeless has "I thought I had heard my cigarette scream for help.
I would too if I was burning slowly toward Hell."
deadman is writing about the feeling of being buried alive in a coffin. Timeless is writing about a fear of dying as well. One of the factors here that influences my rationale is the use of wordplay/puns in an obvious way vs. the use of wordplay/puns in a subtle way. Timeless was very obvious in the use of homophone puns - "circuits are pears(/pairs)" etc. This is not always a bad thing but it doesn't compare that favorably against a line by deadman like " to perpetuate the cycle - we decay. in a tux." Both were good. Voting for deadman.

[Cereal_Killa]

Dead man:

empty and dry. stale cherrywood, ashen or pine
cold breath. pitch black.

the colours of your coffin’ are very purdy..

sawdust in my skin

if you audit your system.. you might actually get cookie that smells as good as that ish..

amassed a lengthy collection
of bridges burning. different shapes, or dimensions.

you already sold me one.. like give me, give me “that kid from willy wonka”

dope story, yo lil bit of a cracker..


http://www.disney.co.uk/aladdin/media/download/char_carpet.jpg

Timeless:

I thought I had heard my cigarette

Mass consumptions of hallucinogens have consumed me.

how much angle hair and or lsd mushroom clouds can fall from the sky and land in a cigarette..

I make the crowd undress.

if you didn’t blunt out wat ever you where moving, I think it might smell better..
for all of human race..

http://sidewalkhustle.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Freshjive-How-to-Roll-a-Blunt-Video.jpg

Dope verse dude, kinda like a cracker though..

vote = dead man

they where both tasty.. but i like something with colour..

[Witty]

Excuse the short vote.

Deadman - This was dope, I felt a few of the rhymes were a little off which isn't something I have come to expect from you. That takes nothing away from the writing though, excellent as usual, 'spongy wet like labia buds' was one of those lines I wish I had written. This to me was a little reminiscent of Lupe Fiasco's The Cool, which is one of my favourite songs so that was an added bonus lol not much to criticize, maybe a little rushed, rhymes weren't at your usual standard but still a very high standard, other than that dope piece my friend.

Timeless - I enjoyed some of the turn of phrases that you used within this piece, such as 'when the sun melts hearts I'll be the snowman holding ours', I thought that was cool. The flow was kind of wooden at times, it was hard to keep a rhythm throughout the piece and I do wish you had worked with the first two lines a little bit because they felt a little forced and it's always important to start strong, after that though the piece improved with each line and I really enjoyed the ending, cool piece man, you can definitely do better and have done in the past, but this was a nice read nonetheless.

Voting for Deadman.

[Vulgar]

dead man - I understood this as a successful man's feelings of immortality; like it'll never go wrong, as long as he's a modern product of bad-assery. Or, he's a regular man who's realizing that life is temporary and he's already feeling karma catching up to him. This verse was minimalistic without being shy on the sauce.

timeless - Stylish and it rhymed unconventionally while still working and functioning as an intriguing verse. I thought you jumped around a little too much, not subject-wise, but tonally. The mood was altered in almost every line towards the end. I think that if you reel the reader in, there's no longer any need for rapid criss-cross action to secure their attention. Overall, cool.

My vote goes to dead man. It was more to my liking.

[King Ra.]

dead man, what makes your verse stand out, is the connections from line to line that transitions so smoothly, as you tied together delicate phrases that draws an image of a person who is buried alive. I like the sort of direct take on the topic & your concept was good. timeless, while you had some good phrases, I didn't really get much from your story. Whereas your opponent had a clear take on the topic, I couldn't really tie too much together from what was presented. The opening lines were awkward; mainly because what came after felt detached. Nonetheless, it was an interesting read, but dead man wrote just as well, while having a better overall concept. MVGT: dead man. Good job by both competitors.