WK6: Witty (3-1) vs UnbornBuddha (3-1) -- Witty 5-0

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 6


OFFICIAL RULES:
Verses are due Friday, November 7th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 16 lines.

Votes are due Sunday, November 9th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC:


Part of the Plan


Good luck, UnbornBuddha and Witty.

[UnbornBuddha]

“You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!” -The Joker

Reading this, and fully resonating with this passage his madness rushed
Feeling it, as it surged through him, Godwin, our antagonist ran amuck
The feebleness of his peaceful manners suddenly fluxed- an evil twist.
A shift in personality in which brain damage was not the cause, zero hits on his cranial stem.
What had struck him was a calling to be an anarchist for a month, to mirror Him.
He made his dwellings in necro crypts, where he planned his daily chaos.
Godwin schemed to destroy towns as if an asteroid badly struck.
He metamorphosed into what heroes whip, as disaster boiled his thin blood
Like a pallid chemo kid.
The lackeys that followed him due to the agony they had suffered
Strategically planted bombs through the capitals they disgusted.
KABOOM!!
Discordant fire spread like a dragon’s wrath had come touched it. The world inflamed more than hell.
His master plan in motion as all balance burned in combustion, an urban spell joker unveiled.
Then, miraculously with the holy’s help he returned to his former self
Completely rebirthing his organelles, organ cells, leading to joker’s farewell!
Repenting he became a heavily famed Saint Francis apostle, his sermons tell
“That the soul’s destiny and fate crafts all the gospels, no matter how absurd the tales.”

EVERYTHING CHANGES ☯

[Witty]

Her lips were red, we met at the bar trying to ease our woes
Defeat our prose, using the empty bottle trick to free our souls
We kissed instead, and within this embrace the seeds are sown
Weeds are grown, as Old Father Fate begins to lift this head
A night of frantic passion, new demons replacing the old
Alcohol taking its toll, engaging in sin and defacing the soul
Addressing the crazy within our emptiness and making it whole
Creating a blaze inside our hearts to lay when it's cold

*4 months later*

I flatly refuse to believe what I see as the panic ensues
My world melts before my eyes, my mind erratic and bruised
Embracing my inner addict, the booze providing courage and hope
As my left hand clenches tightly and grips on the sturdiest rope
She told me by text, I thought it was a bribe or a scheme
But as I see it for myself I lose control of my mind as it screams
My life is at stake, I won't throw it away for some sordid little break
So I strangle that pregnant bitch to death..
..and mark it down as an unfortunate mistake

[Vulgar]

Unborn - There was a lot to dislike about this verse. I thought the narration felt clumsy because I didn't know whose voice was talking or if it was a group or a population, in this case the people of Gotham. Other problems or issues were wording and grammar errors that took me out of the verse. Also, rushed instances where you didn't fully elaborate on an idea, which hurt the chances for a short verse like this to make a lasting impact. The twist was cool, the reformation of the Joker, although it didn't make much sense to me as the reader because I don't see why he would reform so suddenly, and why religion? Lol. It seemed random, and you tried to juggle too much at one time. If I can give you some constructive feedback, it would be to calm your creative frequencies when you're starting the verse, and build with a patient hand. The story will come together without you jamming additional scenes and situations that tend to clog and discombobulate the collective whole.

Witty - When you said "four years later" following the one night stand, I saw "pregnancy" fly into the radar, but I didn't expect the guy to kill the girl, lol. With short verses like these, it's really hard to build up any reason or motive and to convince the reader of its legitimacy. I'm not saying people don't kill people, but it's a very irrational decision given the context and there isn't enough groundwork for it to be considered an entertaining, viable twist. However, it was neatly written and you hit the topic.

Okay battle, I've seen stronger work from both. I know short verses are tough since you have to fit everything in there... next time maybe go with something you don't have to explain as much?

My vote goes to Witty.

[Zen]

Buddha, I got to be honest with you, I really wasn't feeling this. The lines were way too stretched to maintain the flow and in some of the lines I didn't even know what you were talking about. Like the first line, "Reading this, and fully resonating with this passage his madness rushed ", what? "Madness rushed" is very forced. I understand forcing a multi to keep a rhyme going a little longer, but this is the opening line. You could've wrote anything instead of forcing something on us. I've seen much better from you.

Witty, sup brah? Dis was nice, specifically the "lose control of my mind" line. That line was brilliant, no exaggeration there. All of this was very well written and when I got to the last line I was like, DAYUM. Brutal ass shit. Cool story though, especially considering that its such a short verse. Dope. We should collab :):)

V/Witty

[Dominate]

Buddha - that quote was a cool take on the topic. I didn't love how you used it though... it's good that you wrote about something other than mythological figures and their shenanigans this week, but when you write about mortals their actions and motivations need to realistic, or, if they are extraordinary, it warrants some explanation. For example, why was a quote from a fictional movie character enough to inspire Godwin to perpetrate mass murder and destruction? Then, having perpetrated said acts, why did he switch back to being good so suddenly? A little more exploration of Godwin's character as a grounding for what he did would've improved this piece drastically IMO. Descriptions and vocab were good though. On a technical note, your rhyming this week was markedly less impressive than in previous weeks, which makes it worse that the lines were just a little too long to hold a rhythm... some good elements in the verse but this was far from your best work overall.


Witty - eh. This was far from your best, too. I've commented before how your rhymes seem very natural - like you're just writing prose and what you write happens to rhyme a lot. I didn't get that sense here. Your rhyme schemes were good, as ever, but I was too aware that your words were chosen to fit the scheme as I was reading. Case in point, one of your best turns of phrase - "old father fate begins to lift his head" - didn't rhyme with anything! I'm not saying you had forced rhymes or even that it was bad, per se. Just that the balance between rhyming and wording wasn't up to your usual standard. Content wise, it was OK. Too well worn of an idea maybe... wasn't super interesting. It was decent. Hit the topic well enough. You did enough to get the win.


V/ Witty

[kannon]

PART OF THE PLAN

Unborn Buddy. This all seems very... vague. A man reads a passage from the Joker, and is suddenly propelled into this life of villainy. But only for a month? And not only that, but after the month, he slingshots back so hard, that he becomes a priest? I think what I found lacking the most, was any real humanizing elements of your character. He seems too extreme, too quickly to have just means behind his actions (or really any means at all). And it seems as though all of his evil led to no consequence, and arguably, reward. I get the duality and yin/yang approach, but this still felt a bit empty with its reason. As for the mechanics, I had a hard time making sense of any real rhythm here too. the front half barely rhymed at all. Not my favorite from you. :/

Wit. I liked the first half more than the second. I felt like the first half really set the tone for these two kids who are trying to fill their emptiness with booze, and end up filling it with each other instead. The closing two lines were especially poignant. That being said, I woulda maybe liked to have known what led them to drown their sorrows out in the first place, but alas. The second half was kinda meh to me. I get that you were trying to keep it vague until the closing bar, but it kinda came off clunky. "my mind erratic and bruised" "the sturdiest rope" "lose control of my mind as it screams" they all kinda sound meh to me. Almost like you spent thirty minutes writing the first eight bars, and then just said "I'd rather do something else," and wrapped up your idea. Overall, mechanics were fairly sturdy, aside from the aforementioned lines.

Even though Witty seemed to lose interest towards the end, I still felt as though he delivered a more cohesive, complete story. I just felt something missing in the why behind buddha's piece.

Vote is for Wit Doggy Dogg.

[Certain]

UnbornBuddha: I realize you're new to this format (and have equipped yourself rather impressively overall), but long unrhymed entry points are frowned on, particularly when they would extend your verse past the line or word limit. Anyway, I read it anyway because, again, I know you're new to this form of battling. The verse itself was good but underdeveloped, not because your concept was too complex for the line limit but because you spent too much time developing the points that we already knew and understood. The transformation was so abrupt and not well foreshadowed. But I liked the wording in the first half of the verse, in particular.

Witty: Sometimes your rhymes are predictable and, though they work perfectly in terms of the cadence, seem clumsy in breaking the diction. It seems like the words are only there to rhyme too often, in other words. That's a criticism of both this verse and your writing style in general. Anyway, this piece was pretty good. You telegraphed the twist, cutting into its impact. And you didn't do much emotionally for me. The narrator wasn't a believable sociopath but also wasn't an emotional wreck, so that was a bit uncolored. But the short line limit cuts into narrative experimentation. This was a fine verse, a complete story told with a great cadence and crisp word choice. It just wasn't anything on the next level.

Vote: Witty