W7: Greed (2-4) vs. Storyteller (0-1) [Storyteller wins, 6-1.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 7


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Friday, November 14th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 16th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=105432)


Good luck. Greed Storyteller

[Spoken]

She gasped for breath from treading death in the shadows,
Consequences had wept dearly from the myths of this battle.
Arms lashed knees rashed she's been out for days,
Ski mask imbued laughs is what she described him in pain.
Mineral supplements as she puffed again for a breather,
Father figure was the seeker who was her brothers keeper.
Death resolved around this small town she called home,
Hopeless and cold, grew alone W/ no belief of what she had told,
She was marked but with this art the end was vague and abrupt,
Producers telling me don't and that I wasn't made for this stuff.
.
.
.
Panivorous; my wishful thinking has gone astray,
Deliverance is what their trending I can actually save.
They'd say stop dreamin' focus on what isn't admissable,
How am I living when what I'm crafting is pitiful.
Content is liberal but to me I'm what was needed,
Passing of torch to keepers instead of attending it's grievance.
Amongst these heathens they were missing the key,
The raw emotion that leaked was surreal to actually be.
Yet u question the scene but the truth I solemnly speak,
That girl who was raped and missing was actually me.

Instead of salting the wound I wrote it concealed,
Hid my pain behind the quill till I could feel the scars had healed.

THIS WAS MY IDEA OF COPING

"What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient. Highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed — fully understood —that sticks."— Cobb.
King Ra. Open for votes

[Greed]

Theres a hole in my wall. Im appalled. What is going on.
My hand hurts, my head throbs as I wonder what was involved
Theres a woman lying next to me whos rested a cheek on a pillow sheet
Shes definately asleep, precious in pink and sexually a keep
I write in my notebook, whenever im so shook I go look
To remind me im no crook and the road that I sure took
I open the most recent page in the deepest haze, medicine couldnt ease the pain
I freeze in place for what I see leaves me in complete dismay, yet I continued to read away

And it say

She killed her, slit her throat, she screamed as she choked
On her own blood she showed no remorse as the young lady became a corpse
I tried to prop her up as quarts fell down her blouse and shorts
The femme fatale asked me if I would help her hide this whore
But of course I obliged my wife and stored the bloody knife in the drawer
I knicked my hand as I tore her apart and hid the body in the floor
This event is blurry, in the flurry of the murder their was on clear picture
The dying womans last words were surely that shes my sister

Ive lived in a prison without escape and countless mistakes
Ive found my fate, I drowned her face with the pillow case and jumped out a grate









#1-"Memento"(2000)

"I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there? Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."— Leonard Shelby.

[kannon]

story. So it sounds like this is a person writing a book? or maybe a screenplay? something of that nature. And in this piece, or possibly even the center of this piece, is the story of a girl kidnapped and raped. the twist is that the "producers" (which makes is seem more like a tv show or movie that's being written) are telling her that she's not a good writer, or that her story doesnt have accessible appeal, don't realize that it's a piece of non-fiction. I have to admit that this piece is kind of boring. It seems like there are a lot of details left out, and the whole story is kind of vague and abrupt (see what I did there?). The first stanza doesn't really make clear what the experience she is writing about is, so when it's revealed in the end that it's a true story, it doesn't really do much for me as a reader because I'm not entirely sure what happened. That aside, your actual writing is kinda just okay here. Lines like "producers telling me 'dont'" are painful to read. And the fact that you actually submitted a verse with a non-ironic "w/" instead of actually writing "with" kind of irks me. In the end, this story just wasnt very compelling.

greed. Okay, you're going to make this difficult for me. I've gotta be honest, I didn't like this piece at all. A dude wakes up unsure of what he did the night before. Is it drugs? Was he drunk? Does he have amnesia? None of this is ever addressed, I literally have no idea why he doesnt remember the actions of 8 hours ago, but he doesnt. You then address his wife as "a woman lying next to me." like he doesn't remember her either. Again, no reason why any of this is happening right now. (side note, the line "she's definitely asleep" is awful.) I don't like that the book is described as something that helps him remember that he "is no crook" when he helped murder someone the night before. And we have no idea why this person was murdered either! "Showed no remorse as the young lady became a corpse," ugh. awful writing. Suddenly it is revealed that the woman lying with you is your wife. And together you chop up and bury this "whore" under your floorboards? Also, you put the knife away, and then "tore her apart?" the continuity is nonexistent. And the last line is so poorly written. "her dying words were that she was my sister." So, as your wife is killing your sister for god knows what reason, your sister, being choked, decides to muster up the strength to says, "im your sister." and you cut her up anyways, and write it all down. So my big question now is this: Why were you cool helping kill your sister the night before, but now in the morning, you're gonna murder your wife for killing your sister?

I'm trying my damndest to find something positive to say here, but I really disliked both of these pieces. Both were vague and uninspired, and both left me with more questions than answers. At this point, I have to give the vote to the person who's verse I didn't like less. Which I think is storyteller. He at least wrote a story that seemed like it could possibly really happen. Even though it wasn't explained much, it at least makes sense.

vote is for storyteller

[Defiant]

Storyteller

to me the story kinda read she was rap yeah it was me, I dunno I wasn't craz about it, felt u focusedmore on the twist the rest of the verse, could a done with some more depth

greed



some of the rhyming was so poor the notebook shook Croom thing was just desperate rhyming, she was your sister, you didn't know she was your sister? Maybe I could let it go if you gave some back storyabout why u wasn't close with your family instead of just waking up to your dead sister


gotta go with story was a bit better, I know u both rushed but the battle was there for taking for both of u



vote storyteller

[Zen]

Story easily had the better of the two verses in this battle. The first half of Story's verse wasn't written spectacularly, but it read easy and I enjoyed it. In the second half it seemed like you were trying to do a bit too much and you lost me there. Cool piece though for the most part.

Greed, I edited out all of the reasons why this was bad because I typed them before I had a cigarette and I was too mean. This was bad though, and I think you know that.

V/Storyteller

[Pent uP]

Storyteller -- loved the quote. I read an article about a woman who claimed Cosby had raped her like a gazillion years before the new accusation but no one believed her because it was COSBY, BILL FUCKING COSBY. Once i got to the rape part I expected this to be relative to that, because of how "news" it is. So when it was something without soul or identification I got a little sad.

Greed --the rhyming was sophomoric and the story wasn't well woven together. It seems like you have ambition, but your execution could use a lot of work. THe problem I think is the word choice didn't connect with the scene and what was happening. I dont have much else to say; sorry.

Overall -- Greed has a lot to work on and storytellers verse fell flat, but on the up side at least he (story) had a cohesive piece.

Vote -- Storyteller

[UnbornBuddha]

Storyteller, although I understood the crux of what you were going for I felt there was a bit of turbidity in the conveying of it. Although the writing was clean, in terms of progressive infrastructure, there was this muddle feeling in which vagueness flowed profusely. I did appreciate the language, although the diction at times felt a bit contrived. This constraint could have been relieved if you expanded just a tad more, in which you'll sacrifice the conciseness in favor of clarity. Anyways, this was okay.

Greed, there were too many factors left unanswered. This state of amnesia was too much of an excuse to forego basic plot development details. You are obviously capable considering the work I have seen from you. But, bare in mind this might be a false assumption, it almost felt you did not put enough Gong Fu (功夫), so as to construct a more vivifying verse. I applaud the submission, but will say you can always add more of a splash of imagination so as to spice up your arsenal. It almost feels as if you lean toward the more negative sides of life so as to be able to conjure up a piece. Be more expansive, even if it is uncomfortable at first.

Thank you both. My vote goes to Storyteller.

[Soulstice]

Story had some wording that was forced into place to put a slick flow in place. I think the flow suffers when I am scratching my head on occasion and rereading what you said to make it fit in the imagery. It wasn't a matter of stand a lone phrasing not meshing but rather the syntactic definitions meshing. The scheme you were going for was sick but I was a little confused. I guess the emotion you were evoking was evident but I wish there was more story to backbone to develop your character. It made me think of an abused child star writing my memoirs but I'm not sold on my own interpretation. This oozed 'potential' but not 'execution'.

Greed, the story was revealed well as you progressed. It was really good story telling structure to be honest, just the story you were actually telling was lacking a bit of character motivation. I didn't really care that the story brought us to where we were, although the zoom-out method of exposition is something I personally appreciate and thought was done well.

Voting Greed. Story could've won if he had polished up his storytelling just a bit. Greed's actual writing was a bit questionable at points, but his rhyme was actually up to snuff even if his phrasing was pushing mediocre. Both had strong and weak points, it's key to keep writing when you've come this far on the neverending quest for elevation

[Certain]

Storyteller: You had a really good approach to the topic, one that felt relevant as the Bill Cosby rape accusers are being slut-shamed by many. But the wording was really sloppy. Some of the words and phrases that didn't make sense in their contexts: imbued, consequences had wept, resolved, panivorous, trending, liberal, surreal. If you pull apart some of that forced diction and smooth it out, you have a nice, emotion-carried verse. The rhyming was OK, and the images were interesting when they worked and even when they sort of didn't. "Ski mask-muffled laughs" would have been a really great description of a rapist. I could have used a little more clarity on the plot, but I followed mostly. This was OK.

Greed: You basically took the concept of the movie. I get that. I don't think your verse would make much sense to people who haven't seen Memento, which probably partially explains the voters not understanding. But along with that contextual failure and the lack of imagination in your approach, you also forced a lot of rhymes. The wording was sloppy. You seemed to be building toward something, but you mostly have been the most inconsistent member of this league, which is a shame. When you're on, you can be pretty entertaining. This verse was not a very good representation of that.

Vote: Storyteller