WK7: Dove Dozer (3-2) vs. timeless (3-3) [Dove Dozer wins, 6-0.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 7


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Friday, November 14th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 16th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=105432)


Good luck. Dove Dozer timeless

[timeless]

.
.
#7 - The Dark Knight Rises




My kid was invited to a movie night at a country club.
said he could go, then my wife Kelsey gave me a lovely tug.
Told me I'm such a good father, real proper, smart and cautious.
Said they're playing 'Black Knight' starring Martin Lawrence.
I was alarmed, nautious, what the fuck were they thinking?
I almost excused myself from our daily lunch in the kitchen.
I laughed and said, "The Dark Knight Rises is disgusting."
Kelsey lunged in, "No sex for a week, and don't be eyeing any suction."
She corrected me, stated that the Black Knight is what we'd be seeing.
I told her I disagreed and in fact, I had shrugged off the feeling.
Apparently my statement was daring, ironic and pretty rascist.
Just because they still play the movie doesn't make it anymore famous.
Nor iconic, it was wack then, and it'll always be last in any film rotation.
God forbid my kid asks me to buy it. I'll start crying, then leave for vacation.
We arrived on foot, it was only half a block away.
Ball game next door, so drunk I yelled, "Yo pass the rock this way!"
My little boy repeated it, we laughed then went inside.
He found his friend, so I had a cigarette to caress my mind.
I seen one family walk in with the dad wearing a knight outfit.
I wanted to spit in his face to start a fight, just to see if he likes jousting.
I had an idea, something great that'll help the night go smooth.
It could actually be fun, might get her out of her psycho mood.
Sounds of laughter rang out from the main entrance.
I should've left, instead of going through with my plans to end this.
I walked back in and announced that outside, it was raining armageddon.
Sure enough though, it looked as if our days have started ending.
Oh, the irony. God's rivalry has arrived with his dynasty.
I told everyone that we should leave, maybe they need privacy.
Demons lined the seats. Satan ate my heart with his sharp eyes smiling.
I looked in my wife's eyes and said "See, told you it was The Dark Knight Rises."

[Dove Dozer]

#7 The Dark Knight Rises

------------------------------
It's said the hottest flames forge the hardest of steel.
But there's no telling how many secrets darkness conceals.
It was bred in me. Heavily fed to me at an early age.
Now I'm ready and trained. My brain's the weaponry.
I was a dark knight blinded by a hope. A spark.
I couldn't start right. My heart lies broken, dark.
I was abandoned during youth, mother tactically vile.
I wouldn't doubt that when she left me, she actually smiled.
I feel the heat from the hatred. The flame burns in me.
Laying patient. Face is vacant, as the pain returns to me.
There's no purpose or reason that she's a serpent deceiving.
I'm like a criminal locked up. Since birth I've been grieving.
Imprisoned to my room, I took to books it was sad,
to see a kid abused because he shared the looks of his dad.
Screaming to myself, clutching my throat as I'm gasping,
Alone and I'm trapped in the smoke and the ashes.
So i embrace the dark, learned to sin so I breathe flames.
My eyes can tell a story, you can tell that I've seen pain.
it wasn't without a purpose, I learned to steal cause i had to,
I was brainwashed damn it. How to feel? I put Dad through
the worst shit as a kid, it's real. I was bad dude.
A bad attitude, mouthy fuck just a tad rude.
Now I'm grown with two kids, turned the bad to a positive.
Found my soul in music, and earned a cause to live.
I've lost so much from inside, I hope i can find it.
When I'm looking through the lens of a kaleidoscope and I'm blinded.

[zygote]

It is hard to separate either on quality of approach. timeless was a bit funnier while Dove Dozer was more serious, neither went too in-depth but that is not a problem at all. The big difference in my view here, is the conciseness of Dove Dozer's writing. The short sentences compare very favorably with some of timeless's more wordy sections. It's only a matter of a few words here and there, but Dove Dozer really cut down to the bare essentials. Also enjoyed the section with the repeated "I was/couldn't/wouldn't" beginnings. Another difference is I didn't really understand the core joke in timeless's submission. Perhaps, it's just me missing the sense of humor, but is the joke that Martin Lawrence is a black man acting in a movie called the 'Black Knight' which the main character confuses for the Batman movie 'the Dark Knight Rises'? If so, I fail to see the big joke. It seems a minor inconvenience at worst, what the issue seems to be is that there was room to make this more funny, but you didn't really grab onto it. Or you went in a different direction and lost the plot a little bit, but still not holding it against you because humor is subjective and I applaud all efforts at humor. In the end, Dove Dozer's lean writing, concise sentences and direct language choice swayed my rationale. Voting for Dove Dozer.

[kannon]

timeless. this doesn't even feel like you tried. which seems weird for a verse that was turned in three days early. You had plenty of time to write something decent, but you went with this instead... Immediately, the "lovely tug" line made me cringe. How does allowing your kid to go see a movie make you a great father? and why would you get a hand job at the kitchen table during lunch because of it? And what kind of person says "don't be eyeing any suction?" I feel like this was written as a joke or something, but I didn't find it very funny :/ Then you just criticize the Black Knight for half your verse. and the "leave for vacation" is such a goddamn random thing to end a line with. b-ball game was completely unnecessary to include. the knight outfit/likes jousting line was the only one I actually smiled at. And I'm not even sure I understand what happened in the final 6 bars. You yell a bunch of shit about the devil and then go "see. told you it was the dark knight." As far as mechanics go, I would say probably half of this shit sounded forced as fuck. Half the lines didnt make sense at all, and the other half were horribly worded. Just not good, man. Not good.

Dove. Pretty cool. I liked the front half more than the back. The description of the mother abandoning and resenting the child because he reminds her of his father. Fighting with himself because he maybe even blames himself a little. My only real critique is that you move too quickly from "embracing the dark," to 6 bars later being like, "but now I've got kids of my own, and everything is okay." There was adequate description to what would have led you to embrace this darkness that you seemed to be surrounded by, but once you got there, it was kind of just "I stole shit, and was a terrible kid, then I grew up." flow was okay, some lines seemed a bit short to me, but overall pretty solid.

vote is for dove dozer.

[Dominate]

timeless - the idea of a humerous story kicking off with or circling back to a confusion over the dark knight/black night movie was cool, creative... but I wasn't really feeling how it played out. I'm not really sure what happened at the end, or what the character's prank was... I felt like maybe you were eluding to the incident where that guy shot up the cinema when ppl were watching the dark knight rises... but didn't find anything that makes me sure of that in your verse... the last few lines lacked clarity I think. Idk. I didn't get it. And while normal human reactions can be suspended somewhat when you're writing comedy, I felt at quite a few points that it was just... odd. Like why would the wife get pissed off and tell him no sex because he was confused over which movie they'd be seeing? It was a strange verse. I enjoyed it, probably because it was so weird. Kind of kinky. But yeah... not blown away by it.


Dozer - cool take on the topic. I liked your descriptions of the kid's life and the mother's motivations. Some good rhyming. You slipped in and out of past and present tense a bit too frequently for my liking, and I agree with whoever said the description of the transition between being a dipshit kid to being an upstanding adult was too abrupt. But overall this was cool. You formulated a concept that hit the topic well, and fleshed it out.


V/ Dozer

[Vulgar]

timeless - Despite the fact that this was original, it was still ehhh. I agree with kannon's breakdown, I was a bit puzzled with how this was progressing. I can't tell if you rushed it because it seemed grammatically correct and the structure was normal. I've seen better from you. It was an uninspired take on the topic that completely missed the target: the reader.

Dove Dozer - Decent take, wasn't hard hitting. You conveyed your thoughts respectably and some of the bars were solid. Overall, I thought it was an effort on par with timeless' but you made some impact with it.

My vote goes to Dove.

[Mr. J]

I'll make this quick


Dozer, your verse seemed more thorough and more on topic then timeless'
which made for a better verse compared to his, your vibe came through clearer
and it made for an easy read, well both were easy but one has to win
Timeless, you had a smooth vibe and flow along with the verse...which is great
I think a little more work on your verse would have gave you the W
better luck next time

v/ Dove

[Defiant]

Dove had a much easier read, it was smooth with a more coherent story
I read it curious to see how u was gonna end it, with timeless is was more when isit gonna finish
I liked the play on the two movies that was cool it was humorous verse
but some lins where there and where obvious just rhyme like suction etc
Dove the couple of lines about your mum were dope I thought
close battle but dove takes it for a more interesting story with more impact

vote dove dozer