WK7: [10]Vulgar (3-2) vs. kannon (3-3) [Vulgar wins, 6-0.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 7


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Friday, November 14th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Sunday, November 16th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=105432)


Good luck. Vulgar kannon

[kannon]

topic: "You crossed the line first, sir. You hammered them and in their desperation they turned to a man they didn't fully understand. Some men aren't looking for anything logical. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn." — Alfred.





Vigilante...A member of a self appointed group of citizens
who undertake law enforcement in the community they're living in
without authority, typically because the legal agencies equivalent
are inadequate and riddled with the influence from dividends...
be vigilant...disciplined... or any of those synonyms
become an active participant in this omnipotent predicament
destruction is imminent, but if we're a little bit more militant
in an instant, this mission will switch from limited to infinite...
be vigilant...

be fucking vigilant

I stand alone, forced to cram this bag of bones in the closet
my happy home's been abandoned, this madness blotted the solace
bound to wonder around as either a vagabond or a prophet
confident my calm is being jarred with a cattle prod as a constant
nobody wants to talk to the kid who's been rattled off of his rocker
when his parents stopped and were offered like lambs off to the slaughter
it's easy to see no difference in the hand of the cops or the robbers
when neither bother to stand for the family lost as a martyr...
just be vigilant...

vigilant... the horror is instant when it settles in
whatever worse or better is, the vigilant never win
just
be
fucking
vigilant
e

I remember it like it was yesterday... I remember the set was grey
the scent was that of death, decay; I stood and held my breath in place
the street lights aggressive, kissed the pavement, freshly wet with rain
stood silent in this wretched place, and watched that fucker get away...
I didn't even see who he was chasing... or maybe I've suppressed the pain
the rockets missed their target, he chose to fire wildly instead of aim
I stopped to tie my shoe, my parents never wait, and as they stepped in place
they were hit with his propelled grenades, and he sped off to get his prey
I should be happy I'm alive, but I knew the moment this depression came
the man in the winged vehicle was destined to pay with his head and name

become v i g i l a n t (e)

every night I put on a black mask and attack bastards with fast hands
be it pick pockets or boxing, wrist watches or coffins, packin mad gats
rackin up more disaster than the zodiac has, til I see his dumb ass flash
in the lightning's hue, with the soundtrack of the thunders cracks back
til I find the man responsible for the darkness in my past's path
and I leave him breathless in an alley like my parent's last gasps
til I can sleep again, and the fire burns out in this trashcan
and every headline in Gotham reads, "orphan kills batman"

and I'll be vigilant.

[Vulgar]

"A Tale Of Samarkand"

"It's so dark, where am I?" came her words of distress
Miriam wasn't supposed to blind
It was a weather stricken condition she'd learned to detest
The gods of the Kyzyl Kum desert were to blame for it
going out into oblivion to escape invading hordes was dangerous
The hottest day of the year took her vision & strangled it
Heat exhaustion caused a stroke, even fleas were coughing, comatose
when she whispered pleas, walls erected -
the green Earth shut its contents... armaments of darkness flowed
Exiled to the shadows; the muted springs of nowhere
while her husband was busy stargazing, she'd sit in her oak chair
Every ounce of the visual spectrum so bare it blacked out Samarkand
Observatories... colorful oases - flat out departed, the sparseness
"I know it's hard for you, but the family is here with you, dear."
said her husband, Tiberias, his grayish beard full of tears
They went out on a caravan that week, and when the day turned to night
A passing star illuminated their site - they were serenaded with atriums of light
Miriam was withdrawn from the festivities,
She lamented "I've no longer a taste of this life."
"Nonsense!" Tiberias assured her, clasping her shoulders
as he looked out into the glittering heavens & sniffed the natural aromas
He wholly praised the vastness of culture expanded by astronomy
putting names to planetary formations & galaxies in catalogues greater than Ptolemy's
"I'll invent a contraption so my wife can see again," he wrote in his journal
Using reflective glass pieces, the constellations, adjoining telescopes in a circle
word even travelled to Ulugh Beg, who overheard about this undertaking
He said "Your love for your wife is the stuff of legend. I'm but your humble patron.."

Ulugh handed Tiberias rare celestial maps,
said they were picked from Eternity's tree
"Incorporate them into your master work,
and your wife will surely be pleased"
After 75 days of meticulous handiwork, shaping and crafting
This ancient contraption became as famous as the day of the Sabbath
He had constructed a holographic embroidery of crystals, aimed it at Miriam's face
Her eyes, though inanimate, were suddenly filled with the farthest reaches of space
She could see the sparkling majesty of the cosmos in that instant; indeed alive!
Then they danced under the starlit sky, feeling a mutual love from deep inside


-

Topic:

"I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still there. Do I believe the world's still there? Is it still out there? Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different."

[NYCSPITZ]

dope battle. Kannon I liked your batman story but parts of it read bland to me. Think it needed a little more action being that it's about an orphan's revenge against batman bc batman killed his parents. THe writing was good but wasn't anything really spectacular. Vulgar really liked this verse. Dope creativity, incredible ending and concept pulled off pretty well. I thought the first few names were awesome but that ulugh beg shit was wack and eternity's tree seemed random and contrived. Other than that, you have yourself a verse that could contend with deadman's for VOTW.

V/ vulgar

[Exis]

I liked both verses tbh...

kannon - I don't think I've ever read anythin' of yours, and yeah I was impressed by what you dropped here.Thought the start of your verse was the strongest...sorta drifted a little after that though, the first half had some really nice content and flow wise it was solid...second half was ok, unfortunately for you my friend your goin' against a beast.

Vulgar - Imagery was great man...and like SPITZ has already said your endin' was dope.Always admire the way you incorporate vocab so it's complex yet the content isn't so over a persons head that they fail to catch it...this was a really good read.

My vote is for Vulgar.

Stay upwards people.

[Dominate]

kankan -liked your idea, cool twist/side story on the well known story of batman's beginnings. Not sure how I feel about the vigilant/vigilante play running through the verse... I don't dislike it... but I think I'd like it more if it had some significance or backstory as to why it was your character's mantra... I kind of liked it anyway. Just thought maybe there was too much emphasis on it. But it gave the verse a unique feel. Use of multies was very good... in a few places I was too aware that the word choice was fitted around the rhyme scheme. Which is not to say the wording was forced, just that it could've been better - more natural sounding. It's a small criticism. Overall I enjoyed it.


Vulgar - cool story. Creative. A bit of world building. Very nice, enjoyed that aspect. Rhyming was mostly natural sounding with a few exceptions (strangling vision, eternity's tree). What really sets your verse apart from Kannon's for me is a few lines of gorgeously poetic descriptions: muted springs of nowhere, serenaded with atriums of light, glittering heavens, sparkling majesty. That's the main deciding factor for me.


V/ Vulgar

[Zen]

kannon, this was nice. If I remember correctly this is the first thing I've ever read from you and you left a good impression on me with it. The story is one we all know, but I still enjoyed this particularly because of the flow. I could tell that you rap because this flowed effortlessly. The rhymes were over or underwhelming, they were just enough to keep the story moving right along. I enjoyed this.

Vulgar, in the beginning I wasn't really feeling this, especially after I had just read kannon's verse, but when you began to build the world around them it became really great. It seems you have a knack for creating imagery. The line Tiberias with tears in his beard was a really great image that sticks out from this piece, and of course the rhyming was also excellent. There were a couple of instances where I thought the rhymes were too stretched, like the Ptolemy line, but beyond that this was great.

This is a close one, but I've got to go with Vulgar. Thanks for the read, fellas.

[UnbornBuddha]

Kannon at first your verse started a bit slow, and a bit dull. Then it picked up, and what unfolded was a very familiar background to those entrenched in the abyss of Gotham. You essentially depicted a narrative about a vigilante who went rogue due to the death of his parents. Surprisingly the death of his parents came through the hands of the hero himself, or antihero. However, this nemesis spawned from the actions of the hero himself is hardly new. In fact, many of the villains in the Batman universe came about as a direct consequence of the masked hero's doing. Nevertheless, this was a well done verse. Although, the constant chattering of the vigilante mantra became rather incommodious.

Vulgar, you essentially wrote about a married woman who went blind due to some type of arid weather condition/ the desert. Essentially reacting to it with a stroke, in other words the rare but ever so grimace condition that is medically known as cortical blindness. Apparently her and husband, who was an inventor it seems, were fond of gazing into cosmic space, and all its endless wonders. But being blind she was unable to do so, and thus lament set in. Her husband feeling remorseful lend a helping hand by inventing some contraption with heavenly connotations so as to allow her to holographically experience the wonders again. I do feel you were a bit unclear at the last stanza. I don't particularly comprehend how the celestial map added to the blueprint of the invention/ patent. The husband strive to help his wife through scientific synthesis captured the theme quite well.

I actually enjoyed both verses. But will vote Vulgar due to the stronger language evoked, like the atriums of light, quite a mesmerizing line.

[Certain]

kannon: This was a clever but underdeveloped twist on the Batman legacy. There was too much misdirection, not enough motivation, though. The first three full stanzas essentially were a misdirection play, up until the last line of the third. I'd probably have enjoyed this more if you removed the definition-heavy opening stanza, which felt a bit obvious and uninteresting as a way of hooking a reader, and jumped straight to, "I stand alone." Then added a stanza in between the third and fourth to flesh out the preparation and give the character more specificity and depth. The rhymes and cadence were fine but a little choppier than normal. Your writing style is easy to read and enjoyable until it occasionally gets a bit too complex out of nowhere. But I like it, generally speaking. It's just not quite as smooth as, say, CopyPat's.

Vulgar: Wait, so my verse that ended with the hero getting executed and having his organs systematically removed by the government was too much like Pixar? (Half-joking.) The ending was corny to me, just in that I was kind of hoping she would be able to see and then leave Tiberius in some really buzz-kill type ending. But instead you went with the vastness of beauty beyond sight. The rest of the story was really well-formed, and the characters were interesting. Your storytelling is so impressive, in part because your stories are so unique. This was a strong entry.

Vote: Vulgar