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View Full Version : WK8: Pent uP (1-1) vs. Storyteller (1-1) [Pent uP wins, 6-0.]


King Ra.
11-19-2014, 04:36 AM
AOWL Season IV, Week 8


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Sunday, November 23rd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, November 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=107238)


Good luck. Pent uP Storyteller

Pent uP
11-21-2014, 02:57 AM
Celestial Nomads
http://i.imgur.com/XmOz1RI.jpg

Quarter centaurian bemused in a room full of critics -
arguing about how heaven on earth is better viewed from a distance.

But first - what is heaven? Is it cartoonishly vintage -
portraying antagonist opportunists as villains?
If subterfuge had a visage would it be a man in a robe?
Would he travel the globe in lieu of a sickness?
What is his Conquest, if not movement and minutes -
Just a white horse, arguably soon to diminish.
Is he the antagonist because of his ruse and his spirit,
or because his path allowed assuming the privilege?

What if heaven was invented by a new algorithm?
Neo with a keyboard creates the unruly and mystic.
Time created in cyber space that's smooth with the pixels -
animates the human condition in a matrix of lines and shades.
He's the ruler who's faceless, but white and gray,
speaking a coded language the ciphers rave.
Binary hailstorms influence situations as right as rain,
while terraforming the plain in the light of day.
The self-proclaimed protagonist in training just scribes away -
and even believes in the anxious mistypes he's made.

What if heaven is an idea and art is the passage?
Picture a guy in a cloak passing out his carcass at Masses -
dried harder than crackers*
(pardon the asterisks.)
Slovenly solemn during his disheartened theatrics.
His journey: painterly - in his cart is the canvass -
that somehow gets digitized to meet the most modern of standards.
A quasi-prophet trekking mountains larger than average
who graffiti's himself as a martyr of clamor.
Carpenter.
Hammer.
Swinging his point of view
until he hits the nail on the head and pins his void to you.

To see a mountain reach the heavens is a fervent lift,
but which is more important: seeing it or getting to interpret it?
If seeing is believing then where's the magic in
being doomed if you visit? Spare the sadness and,
in a room full of critics, be amused by the children
that understand heaven is better viewed from a distance.

Spoken
11-21-2014, 07:17 AM
http://i.imgur.com/bIQRVYS.jpg

BEFORE THEM BUT LEFT IN THE SHADOWS

Some would say...


That time keeps us evolving thru phases,
Find ur soul embarking on a dawn of the ages.
Sarcophagus placement less of a bedazzling statement
Try to suffice thru the crisis; this deciphering matrix.
No clouds. Just branches tryna sync with the breeze,
Leafs attached are just figments; a pardoning plea.
Segregated osmosis with a parliament creed,
A lust for acceptance or a simple wanting to be.
Sovereign greed. a match point with no fuse to be lit
Disregarding the bliss. This recreational myth.
Lethargic; a synthe amongst sounds of the wind,
Breaking bad but into worse due to harlequin splints.
I seem dormant but it's torture to just up and then split,
Bad manners are just traits I can't often equip.
Stood against the grain but time left me with shit
Instead of wallowing; i ventured the other side of the cliff.
Swindled microbes-
brisk the beige to keep wanderers away
A pungent beast, desecrated among others; a plague.
Footprints of intentions towards the darkest of days
Assessing possibilities never making it stray.
Hidden gray; a crumpled symphony harvesting shades
To over shadow the mistakes that's a plundering maze.
Every now and then there's a line separating the faith
Would u cross and incline on ever making the brave
Rest easy on a mattress; where a void actually stays
Or be a rebel till ur grave hardens with decadent haste.
.
.
.
Technicalities are formalities of bending the skill
Flexing the quill to etch imagination at will.
Severe the ties where spheres and pendulums wield
And that's my writing with an epithelium feel.
Been here several times but the feeling is mutual,
It's like tryna drive a thought but ur still on nuetral.
The decadence of fallacies is nothing that's useful
Being out of the rubrics isn't something I'm used to.
I've slumped in a fruitful dream that i caught in fluke,
But I seem at home with reconstruction stuck on a loop
Open bibles blank recitals is where I've fallen or stooped...
As this place is the restraint that keeps me clawing for proof.

I was ahead of my time till I could no longer move
Check mate, laid to waste my words no longer amused,
Tried the conscience of other but it couldn't subdue
Now I'm stuck in a groove tryna find my way to improve.

-WRITERS BLOCK

Arid
11-23-2014, 11:30 PM
Pent uP, your concept strayed a bit in the middle, though relevant in a way to your idealization of heaven, the matrix comparison jarred with the pic you chose. That said, your verse had a poignant edge throughout and a wry wisdom that, in the end, felt genuine and good-hearted. Hopeful. The rhyme and wording were pro.

Storyteller, this was a pretty abstract narrative. The wording in places stretched comprehensibility in favor of rhyme. I lost your character in trying to fit meaning to words in places. That said, the flow was consistent enough to hold my attention, and you had some lucid moments that stood out as good interpretations of the topic.

Vote-Pent. The consistent theme and poignant imagery made yours the more enjoyable read.

Mr. J
11-24-2014, 06:25 PM
^^^who the hell is that alias?


anyway I peeped this before the falling of the site...
and I have to say..it's nice to see Pent back up in the league again
...

Pent, this is the first verse I read from you in quite some time so nice work
the fluency of the verse adds to the consistent flow to the topic you chose
it brings out a truly 'stellar' vibe you stay on point throughout the whole piece.
showing your ability to pen some nice verses, nice work on your behalf

Storyteller, you have been on and off with the verses that I see from you
but hen you do show up and drop a verse as potent as the one you have now
it shows YOUR ability to be more than just another writer in the league
you held your own here as far as I'm concerned, and you shine at moments like this
very well done on your verse, the crafting of it was quick as far as most writers choose to finish
maybe with a more fleshed out verse this would have been neck & neck
nice work


v/Pent
I feel Pent's verse was more well rounded than Story's as far as smooth flow
word choice and overall technicality as far as writing goes...nice work fella's
(side note:I just realized Pent is 1-1, did I miss something here...probably)
nice battle fella's

CopyPat
11-27-2014, 01:19 PM
good match here. both writers came with very smooth verses, good vocab and technicality without being too complex or overly wordy. really well written verses by both. I felt that pent really said more in his verse and connected with the pic a little better. story your writing was right up there with pent but i thought that at some points you were kinda just rambling while all of pents lines had a purpose. this was close but my vote is for pent.

NYCSPITZ
11-28-2014, 10:50 AM
Story you've elevated a lot, good shit. Like arid I'm gonna say some of your ideas were lucid but you wandered a bit in places. Word precision maybe needs another read through to eliminate any ambiguous phrasing or inaccurate definitions. Other than that was surprised with this, good shit my nigga...almost top tier shit with some work.

Pent had more of a coherent line throughout his passage that resonated with my MYSTICAL inclinations. I thought there was a confused, abrasive unease between the picture and the topic but your writing tangentially connected and bringing the actual horse and the nigga in the picture helped reconnect to the topic (EASY way to do it you SLOVENLY LAZY....) - overall this was deep shit and I preferred this verse by a decent margin over the other.

V/ pent up

Soulstice
12-01-2014, 10:58 PM
Story - Liked the last stanza - ahead of your time/no longer improve, was a cool line that really fit the image and the point of your piece. I thought your rhymes were strong and your phrases which you chose to rhyme were strong, but they were difficult to connect: like I understand "open bibles blank recitals" and "crumpled symphony harvesting shades/plundering maze" mean but you didn't create any concrete images or tie them together with any story/topical structure. It was kind of an all-out assault of sick rhymes and cool phrases. Which Isn't always so bad, but when your against pent up its probably going to be the cause of your loss, because he is going to string something coherent together.

Pent up - whoa, this was good. I instantly thought of some stupid 20something debate about heaven - and then nearly anything good. Especially when you closed it the way you did. Why debate the good things, let them be. You kind of started at the opening of the debate, delved deep into it, and then settled back at the top of it, content with your thesis. A conceptual parabola. The three potential "heavens" you debated weren't really the point, but the second matrix one was kind of played imo. The pin a void line was sick, and the first stanza brought a human side to heaven that made my mind go in all directions like I said in the opening of my vote. Good job.

v - pent up

King Ra.
12-02-2014, 12:53 AM
Valiant effort by both competitors here. Pent, it's a pleasure to once again read your work in this league & this week I'm reminded of how good you are & the threat you can pose to others come playoff time. I was a bit surprised this wasn't a narrative, because you usually go in that direction, but I think this topical approach works here, especially with the image you decided to go with (zygote & NYC wrote to the same image). What stands out is your rhyming & flow from start to finish, which made this easy to digest & read. Your rhyming was really on point. I liked a lot of the phrases you used to summarize your approach to the image. It was as if these were written as the thoughts of the nomad with the horse viewing the heaven-like object amazed at it's presence. You did have your perspective thoughts driving the piece as well, & the ending was a nice finishing touch to sum it all up. Storyteller, you knew what you were up against this week, and firstly, I have to say, I am reallly impressed with the level of writing you came with in this match. It made this very enjoyable & you probably have shown that you can be just as good as any other writer in this league. I sensed the high level approach here- your rhyming was pretty solid throughout. You portrayed your thoughts clearly & intricately, the writing had a bit of flair. Your concept, which from what I understood, was likening your place in writing with the robot- you're stuck between a rock & a hard place. Difficulty expressing ideas? Coming up with concepts? This is what I interpret with the "-WRITERS BLOCK" at the end, and if I am anywhere near correct, I must say, the approach you took here to the image is probably one of the better this week. It was fresh & interesting. I would say overall in this match up, Pent seemed to connect on a much more clearer level while writing a bit better mechanically. But Storyteller, if you manage to write this well with a bit more polish- you can be a threat in this league. Best I've read from you thus far.


MVGT: Pent uP. Good job by both competitors.