WK8: Soulstice (2-3) vs. timeless (3-4) [Soulstice wins, 6-1.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 8


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Sunday, November 23rd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, November 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=107238)


Good luck. Soulstice timeless

[Soulstice]

In the Grey of the nether
I'd chase you forever
Ghostly ethereal arms
Reaching out towards your grace
Free of material harm
Two spirits in the corner of space
You can exhibit a dominance
Over twinkling comets and
Gravitational anomalies
that are ripping the cosmos
Into the debris of god.
Two foreign ghosts orbiting
A desolate planet. A long
Dead civilization beneath a deposit of granite
With nothing left to examine.
Above them I give chase to your ghost
Past metal shells of vessels which decay and corrode
My angel will go - between blue dwarves and reddish giants
Towards the edge of an event horizon...
But we're beneath an apple tree. You laugh at me
My wandering thoughts.. I playfully apologize. Just
Must've been lost in the sky
Reflecting off of your eye

[timeless]

Topic #1
- - - -

Seeing The Dead Through Capitalism


Physical presence? Check. Mental left in Davy Jones' Locker.
A daughter's homesick, singing 'Please, take me home father!'
Lady knows why her parents are sailing three sheets to the wind.
Lately though, dollars spent prevailing receipts from within.
She weeps and begins to sell her soul for agony and hate.
Depleted, herein lies the bodies of Abby-Lee and Jake.
Sad, we leave irate. I can't handle a funeral's pressure.
Madly, I escape the feeling and make humorous gestures.
Mirrored images have me locked, docked with my knotted anchor.
Due West, I spot a stranger who looks to be my doppleganger.
Hot, but I cropped my anger, put on a border, edged it in photoshop.
Cloaked my frame in body armor just to pretend to be Robocop,
expecting to be approached with a low blow oh so cold-cocked.
Paranoia employer that my mind's spite coat holds. Solo thoughts.
Once he spotted me, he said he knew of me through the grapevine.
Food for a gas gauge light, feeling empty from stage fright,
maybe I should stop talking to the mirror and just face Life.
Advancement one week, next we stage handshakes for food stamps.
Week after that she's pregnant and trying on some new pants,
all the new shoe brands. I loathe greed, I only need two hands.
Healthy and ambitious, lower-class wealthy and damn delicious.
Attitude vicious, explicit. Attic room, meet the livingroom and sink in.
All your walls are closing in, mine are being torn down.
No need to spend time focusing on why I was born proud.
The idea of 'Life' spawns from a redundant imagination.
Lifestyles, mad hype. Pawns of a chessboard's modernization.

[Arid]

Soulstice, a tight read. Succinct and expressive. I like how effortless this felt. The rhyme and wording carried the narrative along without seeming to try. A bit short, made to seem shorter by the ease with which it read.

Timeless, the wording in places was hard to understand. The rhymes you achieved in these spots was cool, but left me confused about what you were trying to say. Even lines that stood out as coherent ideas had too little context to derive meaning.

Vote-Soulstice for the beautiful simplicity and unique rhyme scheme.

[Mr. J]

Soul, I feel you verse was well crafted for what it was
you made your approach short and sweet compared to your opponents
which shows your grasp on what you were aiming for...
the smooth shift from line to line builds up to a great transition
it comes off more poetic, and for that it shows your versatility
nice work my dude...

timeless, I feel your verse was crafted in a moment's notice..
which is cool if you have the vibe you are going for right away
I sometimes...matter of fact always craft my verses on the fly
they either work or they don't, I think you put too much emphasis on rhyme
I'm not against how you approached this at all because it suits the topic perfectly
at which point I can't figure out which topic Soul is crafting his verse on
sooooo...good job breh

v/timeless, I may get some flack for my vote..but I feel Soul dropped a quick verse and neglected what his verse could have been
I know it may have been effected due to the deadline being close and the site being down
I feel you may have had a great verse & would have shown me a topic worth being excited about
either way nice work from the both of ye...good job timeless...you coming up in the world

[zygote]

Soulstice presented quite a beautiful story, it was some imagination and the last line was nice and cutesy. The language was fitting. The overall approach makes sense when comparing the writing to the source picture because of the distinctive flowers in the peripheries. This image had a big contrast between those flowers and the alien planet. Good job, a little one-dimensional on the plot side, but you went for a less ambitious approach executed solidly.

Timeless was extremely impressive in terms of multiple rhymes. A really good attempt on this submission (with the doppelganger and humorous gestures being highlights). Only one pet-peeve in terms of rhyme schemes and that is for cliche rhyme schemes (things like food stamps - new pants + stage fright - face life). Watch out for these things, it's better even perhaps for a more interesting singular rhyme scheme than a cliche multiple one (like 'delicious' and 'sink in' - as an example of a good singular one). I'm also going to agree with the critique given by Arid, and couldn't express my own thoughts in any better way really. Although, I'll go one step back and say that not only did some of your lines stand out here, but some of your individual lines were true stand out's objectively. Again, just work on making the overall approach more obvious, you are improving the individual lines and when it all comes together within a clearer converging thread it will be great. Voting for Soulstice.

[NYCSPITZ]

Timeless the elevation's apparent and I generally enjoyed your verse ona 7.5 out of 10 level. Thought you could have been a bit better delivery wise but if you work on your precision it'd be completely vicious. Lines such as "Lately though, dollars spent prevailing receipts from within." I get what you mean, money over a higher form of contentedness found in the Self, but it's worded a bit awkwardly. As much as I hate to do it I have to vote for soulstice who I believe to have performed also on a 7.5/10 level. He probably thinks it's far lower compared to the usual but the laconic language appealed to me. I'm also biased because I was going to use that picture before I saw Zygote jacked my style so I felt entitled to put together some type of rejoinder based on the same image. Anyways thought the profundity of the piece was cool from the granite line to the final few lines there.

v/soul

[CopyPat]

this was kind of a weird battle. when i first read souls i was like... hmm strange approach with how short it was. then timeless verse i just didn't really get the point of it. re-read both and soul's was just really good. the rhyming was stylish and the idea of the verse/interpretation of the pic was really well done and enjoyable. time i just couldn't get into yours, some of the rhyming was pretty good and then some was like?? "damn delicious" being the sorest of the few thumbs, lol. at the end of the day i just felt ur idea was forced and nothing came easy to u in this which came through in the writing and made for a labored read to me as well. just wasn't very fluid to me. soul the more i read urs the more impressed i am. you have this whole brevity niche on lockdown don't u? haha

Vote: soul

[Pent uP]

Soul -- two spirits in space/debris of god/ghosts orbiting and that whole train of thought was bonkers. I love shit like this -- in the same respect you enjoyed my verse this week I appreciate how youre verse made me explore an atmosphere (pun?) and draw from my own imagination the design of the string that connects canvass.

Timeless -- I had a bit of a hard time digesting this and I think its due to the cohesiveness and fluidity of thoughts. The verse has a lot of depth behind it, but its hidden behind a slew of idioms and anecdotes that dont coincide together. I appreciated the reoccuring sailor bits, but they were broken by other metaphors and didn't properly portray the tone of what was actually stated to be happening. Shame you signed out.

vote soul

[Certain]

Soulstice: This was a nice short verse right up your alley. The word choice sparkled because you played so cleanly off the image. The extended metaphor was neither obtuse nor overt. I think you should stop capitalizing the first letter of each line. I didn't like "With nothing left to examine" because it seemed too concrete and final. Otherwise, strong verse.

timeless: The rhyming of the first half was really solid (despite some obvious forces, made up for by the complexity of your schemes), and your story was moving along. But then about midway through it got a little harder to follow the story as a story, and you sort of drifted into this less pointed social commentary. That lost me, and the rhyming wasn't as strong in that part either. The ending didn't connect.

Vote: Soulstice