WK8: AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP: Certain (7-0) vs. dead man (5-2) [dead man wins, 6-1.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 8


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Sunday, November 23rd, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, November 26th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Click here. (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=107238)


Good luck. Certain dead man

[dead man]

http://i.imgur.com/rtin60i.jpg

i wandered for days. weeks, months, its hard to explain
like staring at the mountains when you're lost in the rain
its part of the game. you die, you win. and losing's a bitch
machete crack. vines twist like executioner wrists
crawling through the darkness during lunar eclipse
all i wanted was to find him. just to prove he exists
traversed sewers. ancient ruins. arctic glacial conditions
everybody else relaxed at home and prayed for their children
to survive an extinction. even daily traditions
never made me a christian. angel-dusted patriotism
so break this daily bread and fall to your knees
ill be walking the trees. wheezing for a moment's reprieve
marshy undergrowths the chalk water often recedes
from another pile of glass. another carcass to grieve
marching onward. the guillotine has started to lean
pressure on my jugular like counting the beat
doctorate degrees. coffee or tea? apartment was leased
nodding off, junkie jazz musician zombie regime
settling for gossip and agnostic agreeance
while iron-wrought Catholicism rots in my genes
in foggy distance it bleeds. stone column theological being
architectural. spirit sensual, apostle pristine
beyond the wall. this hostile shade of harvested green
i just.. wanted to see if i could ever feel better
stairwell curves like spinal tap or necks in a nod
or rail tracks connecting southern Paris to Prague
forest temple. mossy monument. cemented facade
echoes in the hallway like a rippling pond
walkway lined with demon statues sinful as god
so i'm reminded how our shamans share a sensitive bond
wooden doors like yacht floors. oily hinges and knob
entering. calm, collected, resolved. and wait for salvation
i fell to my knees. waited for grace with sweat in my palms
sweat on my brow. head in the clouds, confessing it all
i waited to fall. to burn or brighten. rise or descent
waited a moment. got to my feet and silently wept
for the time and effort, miles and sacrifices and debt
only to collect another pang of regret
recollecting passages in pages we read
inhaled. tried to cry and started laughing instead..
thats faithfulness. to take indoctrination in jest
without a journey destinations never make any sense
its relationships. not eucharist. no vision or portals
i've lost so many people i've considered immortal
recognized, its not important. I'm no more than a tourist,
made aware of all the beauty in this forest. free at last




DEADMAN

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/rtin60i.jpg

The above screen capture is from a video game:
Uncharted 3, a third-person shooter with remarkable visual grace
that explores the Middle East through the usual, limited frame
of a white man (from London), with no indigenous strains.

And that's the problem. America with three capital K's
has come full-force in every facet today.
We've got Michael Brown putting his hands up for a party in the USA,
while protesters can barely see through the haze.

And that's the problem. Gamer-gate, a subculture exposed
as a bunch of misogynist vultures and drones
keeping their membership closed
to anyone with a different perspective. Rather than changing their tone
they'd rather plug their ears and continue to victimize those
who dare speak out against a system that's broke.
White male heroes missing the joke
of their own frail egos and limited scope.

And that's the problem. Another depiction of oil fields as battlefields.
The War on Terror really captured mass appeal, a tragic heel,
turning brown men into villains. Turning Islam into the enemy.
Turning our shoulders to an oppressed people because they seem to let it be.
We're unwilling to consider the freedoms of women draped in cloth,
and to all those with no voice, we'll tell them, "Sheik it off."

And that's the problem.
Are we reflecting our follies?
Too many think-pieces, not enough thinkers can enter and lobby
for change that would temper our hobbies
to the point that they'd better society.
But see, we've given up on art as anything more than callous enjoyment
so any societal play gets violently flayed on grounds of avoidance.
Video games are built to escape everyday malaise and bullies on pulpits.
A place where even a white man can turn into the hulk and scurry through bullets.
And their heads are down.
It's not their problem if they can't see it.
so they're better off in their trance, seeking
enlightenment through Easter egg advanced secrets.

And that's the problem. We're all lost in the woods of our own insecurities,
so we bury our fears in digital worlds and lack the hope for a perfect peace.
Created by white men, for white men, with white male protagonists,
these video games get one thing right:
We're all murderous savages.

[Arid]

This is a tough decision.

Dead Man, descriptive. I liked the imagery a lot. From the vines twisting like executioners wrists to the people you thought were immortal, there was poetry in every line. You did end on a vague note in the story, first looking for a 'him' then not really looking for anything but to feel better. The lack of narrative direction is a minor flaw here though, because the imagery and creative rhyme scheme were so enjoyable.

Certain, hard hitting. Once again you've written a piece that hits close to my life. The technologically induced apathy of american life. Your repetitions were a good reset point, helping to connect each part of your verse back to the topic. That you elaborated on the pictures origin instead of narrating a story based on the image struck me as a fresh perspective at first, but as it went on the tenuous connection to the topic broke and this became a reactionary declaimation of white supremacy.

Vote-eeeetrrrrr.... um. Ok. I cast my vote to Dead Man for poetic imagery and an engrossing story. Certain veered a bit from the topic and his piece felt preachy. Great battle though.

[CopyPat]

Nice! really good match, i enjoyed both verses. black you came with ur customary smoothness and awesome writing. curt you went a little different and tried not to outblack black, which was probably a good strategy in theory but i don't think u quite executed well enough. you went for a more straight up literal approach which u haven't really done too much yet, it seemed slightly out of ur comfort zone. i liked ur verse alot but i just think black flat outwrote u this week. i think this was a close call but dead just did more with his verse. cert urs was too one dimensional in comparison ( yes i see the irony in me saying this lol). good shit

Vote: Deadman

[UnbornBuddha]

An enthralling bout, indeed.
Deadman came with a flurry of imagery that made use of the image in a more enigmatic way. Although, he did veer a bit from his story into a more general premise consisting of fundamental questions of humanity that either sully our peace, or solidify it. The plagues of our soul, and its redemption from the bondage of turmoil. Still, I enjoyed very much the language. You truly do have a way with words, the man who proclaims himself dead, not a bad thing at all. Overall, a stellar piece.

Certain, you definitely took a different approach here. You used the depiction to branch off into global themes. Thematic "issues" such as the sovereignty of classicism based on race. A true man-made construct that you correlated with the hologram rendered by the technology of video games. You also used the game's gore, its rated M rating, so to further propagate the idea of humanity's blood thirst. A thirst fueled by the need to oppress, and inherently cause suffering, perhaps so we can transcend it. But this is hardly all you spoke about you also voiced maybe your own views about society as a whole. At this point, I felt you ranted a bit, and went off track. But, I did like this verse.

I felt Deadman was more on cue, and constantly employed the picture to his advantage, so as to deliver his poetically drenched composition. Certain, on the other hand had more ambition to tackle global concerns, but derailed as he began to fulminate.

Vote: Deadman

Thank you both.

[NYCSPITZ]

yea, dope battle. Certain I can vibe with that message but the writing itself isn't where it's at when you come full force. I thought the repetition of "and that's the problem" read like some sort of annoying, psuedo-socialist, quasi-liberal conglomeration of high-nosed yet already blase preaching. That's my only complaint though because the verse in and of itself...would beat most verses in the league obv.

black I thought came ill, weaving poetry and allegory into every line as per usual. deft slant rhymes. Profound. Capturing. Ending hit hard as fuck for me bruh. We ain't important it's all an illusion WE'RE PART OF THE MATRIX...

v/ black

[zygote]

I became lost a couple of times during deadman's submission, but during the last line the previously confusing and seemingly eclectic references started to make sense. For example, the reference to southern Paris and Prague was so odd, I thought what a strange example, and there were also several other references where the same thought occurred. However, this line here - "made aware of all the beauty in this forest." solved these issues. I interpreted it all as simple homage to nature made by an individual that was previously comfortable with city things. So, while the previous references to Catholicism and leased apartments had me head scratching at the time, in hindsight after that final line, things finally clicked. Good writing if it was intentional and my analysis here stands.

Certain you make excellent points about ethnocentric western bias in video games (also movie films and music). I just get the feeling that this would have been so much more effective as a full blown satire. You had some spots of satire (like the reference to the new Taylor Swift song called "Shake it off.") but you committed to a more restrained approach. The reason why this approach did not pay off so well in my view is that the topic is simply not important enough. In that, in my view video games (as the ones you describe, on dedicated consoles, not on iphones etc) are still some sort of niche market. Because it is still a niche market the fully serious tone does not feel congruent with the message, and the delivery of that message does not seem to be congruent with my stereotype of the "gaming" audience. Here, a full-blown humorous satire, perhaps one tackling the adventures of 'Chuck Whitestrong' in the Xboxs game "Kill Brown and Yellow People: IV" would have been a more effective medium, than the semi-speech with a serious undertone and outcries for greater levels of collective social decency. Also, in my view, a speech format such as this (thinking it is a speech format because of the conversational nature of the language "And that's the problem." + it's repetition) must have a stronger call to action at the end, it's all well and good to point out all the problems, but a really good speech will at least end with something the listener or reader can do to start solving these problems. This is a so-called 'call to action' and I think that was another factor that could have been better incorporated here in this specific approach. Voting for deadman.

[Soulstice]

I immediately notice two contrasting things about these verses. Certain began at a certain image/concept and expanded outwardly touching on all sorts of topics. Race issues, animalistic violence, xenophobia, and the laziness of Middle america. All emoting from the singular picture. Black, however, is quite the opposite. Juxtaposing cities and forests along with imagery connotative to both (junkies, marshes) leading to one metaphorical culmination. Now does the question become" a. which was executed better or b. which do I like more? Well - Certain has a mastery of the repeating chorus in topicals - so much so I wish he would use it less often as I think it has a time and place - however here was the time and place. Each repitition was his own tongue in cheek jab at what he was doing - look how many problems I can write about going off one screenshot!! Meanwhile, Blacketh is excellent at drawing as many related metaphors from one or two image concepts as he can - here the city and forest. It is his standard fare, although lets remember his standard fare has earned him a legendary nod on this forum. I think I liked Certain's approach better, and the way he structured his verse. Black's flow and emotion were better, and on a superficial level I enjoyed his more. I thought the call-backs to the safety of home while your character toured the wilderness were my favorite part. However, on a writer-appreciation level, I think I enjoyed Certains more. Think. Fuck.

v - certain

[King Ra.]

dead man, I liked this verse. I think that it's because you were able to take this picture & add some flare to it. Because you have the image already, you didn't have to paint your verse with imagery, though, I also liked the fact that you still brought some of the picture to more depth & detail with your descriptions. The writing as always was flawlessly smooth & you strung each line beautifully. This read like a championship verse. Certain, I could tell as soon as I started reading your piece that you were going that route. I'm not talking about the direction you chose necessarily, but the fact you veered off from what you've been doing all season to drop something different. This sort of reminded me of the route you took in the AOWL championship. Rather than go the direction most writers normally would, you expanded a bit more broad & beyond, this time giving us a perspective on a variety of topics all driven from your take on the image. I would say, the approach itself was a nice take but indeed risky. I like the points you give in each section & the repetition to drive your points. The writing was good as well, which says a lot. You've been very consistent in that department. But reading both of these pieces, I'd have to say, dead's just seemed more complete overall where he focused on detailing his thoughts from the image whereas Cert went a more broader route, which left much more to be desired. I believe it was what he wanted to do, knowing dead man's approach & writing style, but here dead managed to put it all together with an exclamation point.


MVGT: dead man. Good job by both competitors.