WK9: NYCSPITZ (5-3) vs. Soulstice (3-3) [NYCSPITZ wins, 8-0.]

[King Ra.]

AOWL Season IV, Week 9


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Saturday, December 6th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Tuesday, December 9th, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time. - Mark Twain.





Good luck. NYCSPITZ Soulstice

[Soulstice]

The town I grew up in is pretty in winter. My father's hair is visibly thinner
but Mom still makes lemon chicken for dinner, although her foot is hurt. Down
town is still completely empty. My school's field is turf now, green as ever.
There's still phantoms at the edge of my mind. Let them stay for a bit,
I guess forever is fine. There's her radiant skin, the words that died on my lips
They were smooth and articulate. No survivors exist.
Theres old friends who littered the halls. Pot and liquor eclipsing it all.
I consider this, drawn and quartered at my childhood bedside.
Next- I'm hailing a cab. I'm riding a red eye
Poring over fragile phrases, prepping a ghost for a kill.
Knowing this won't work, but hoping it will.

[NYCSPITZ]

he was born to lead , latin and greek in his victorian study
moving ideas with gusto, chumming it with an assortment of buddies
weilding effortless power, it's crazy how the world'll bend to his will
explorimg uncharted territory, bent for the kill
magnetism insane, history maker dispensed with the frills
and right before election night he felt a menacing chill
swinging long legs over the bed into a bucket of cold water
he wakes up to the lifelong health ritual alone , bothered
his usual control 's up for grabs in this land's godly design
fifty eight and greying...with uncommon vigor in body and mind
if the federalists win, well...even the goddamned jest of it's sick
at an oak desk, the declaration's author jefferson sits
a man of his time, finding power he needs more
idealistic machiavellian slash kindly robust at his dream 's core
these people are historical beacons, leaving zero avenues unclear
hix manifesto guides them...beautifully to man's new frontier
it's torturous being know as a man of the age,
growing up with kids' parents immoral handling slaves
steering foreign threats, germs of war and the growth of an economy
he carried on, unfazed with a soldier's monotony
power hungry and headstrong with decisions to make
temperate leader holding ground during these viscious debates
he yearned to be loved...some call him spiteful and shallow
at 33 he wrote the declaration, challenging britain and risking the gallows
leadership and his risks became the hallmark of his sanity
to find balance between...an ideal and bending reality
wily critics note: government in mass hands can cause unlimited stress
but thomas trusted america's soul...
scripting its foundation under the threat of imminent death
fearless, he converged with colonial governors
revaluationary with a vision putting scripts into place
a power hungry soul's earnest and looming gift to the race

[Arid]

Soulstice, succinct. This was poignant and flawless. Poetic. Rendered so fluidly, it almost (barely) stands on it's own against any verse of any length. If you'd doubled the length, the power of your wording and prose would beat any verse I've read here thus far. It's short though, and the end seems to imply concession. Despite the short read, this didn't feel rushed, or even cut short. Well done.

NYCSPITZ, compelling. This is an interesting examination of a man who most americans know by name, but who's history and struggle is largely ignored. Reading this inspires me to study Thomas Jefferson more deeply than I'd ever thought to. The handful of grammatical errors don't detract from the portrait too much. I feel a bit cheated though, it seems like you began to tell a story, but decided to stick to a character study. If you'd taken the intriguing character and placed him in a familiar historical situation, this would've felt more complete.

Vote-NYC. The character he envisioned was interesting, and the wording of lines here gracefully drew his personality and motivations. Soul should've written just a bit more. His prose was much more eloquent, but didn't develop far enough to win this.

[Mr. J]

Soul, I feel like you would benefit from adding more to your work
the fact of the matter is that you have a firm grasp on how to write
it's just that you don't write more than I know you are capable of doing
your verse stands out as a very well written 'beginning' to your tale
and as you progress I feel like you could do so much more with your verse
just some sound advice for you my friend, nice work...

NYC, the beginning of your verse confused me due to the word 'lead'
I always read it as a material used and not an action most pursue...
but I digress, you place the character into an area of his own expertise
you bring him out of his shell and make him someone you might know
it really brings out a smooth flow to the story as it unravels and ends
there's really nothing to nitpick other than the fact you outwrote your opponent


v/NYC, a more thought out verse and an amazing take on storytelling
nice work my dude, keep writing

[big baby]

felt soulstice deliveed betetr with stuff and rhymes in a unique fashion he rly funny and insane with da rhyme schemes and his story was complex and simple mind blowing insane very good 9.8/10

nyc sucked pretty bad idk what he talk about half the time, maybe work on his rhmesa nd topic manner and he could possibly be half of what solstice the god is....anyway he just a lil bb one day he be very good 1.9/10

vote SOULSTICE......

[Spoken]

Soul- I have been around ur work from way back when. Let's just say a long time and I can tell u had this half way done... I'm guessing u thought deadline huh... but none the less even for what it is this was sheer delight with such the easiest for to perfection. Poetically written with the diction of a pure artist man. Yes it was short and it honestly ends abruptly but for what it's worth man it eclipsed and it still held a statement understood. Wish it was just a few more lines into it but damn this was a nice short verse.

NYC- bruh you had a complete sotry. Yes a longer verse which held tight to the understanding and the diction kept me intrigued thru out. At times I felt u slid a little off but u came right back on top of it and finished. Some grammatical errors but it's nothing that retracts from the work. Nice depth in detail half way thru.... sort of a struggle but u kept ur verse and made it whole. Nice drop bruh


Both did well and honestly that short verse could rival alot just felt it ended too fast in a sense. Nyc held his own and kept it at a pace where the detailing paid dividend. V/ NYC

[CopyPat]

i hate voting on this..
soul i really really like ur style man. ur short takes are sooo much more enjoyable to tackle than these monster verses that bore the shit outta me. beyond that ur writing is exceptional. i really dig what u been putting down. i did like this verse a lot too but i just didn't really see the connection with the topic as much as nyc

nyc- you write the type of shit i have no interest in generally. i find it so un-relateable most of the time.. not necessarily a knock on you its just my preference.. i don't give a fuck about history or politics/government or war etc..shit is just SOOOoooo boring to me
i also know nothing of American history so i seriously had no idea what u were talking about.... so i googled jefferson lol
whatever.
NYC hit the topic more to me, i liked souls style infinitely more but nyc did write a solid verse, and despite my own preference of content i think its pretty safe to say that he did win this battle.

Voting NYC

[big baby]

CopyPat dontw orry nobody knows wtf hes talking about

[Pent uP]

Soul - I take the closer to reflect your actual stance on writing/posting that verse? I feel like this could have been a bigger verse with more tie ins to the topic and itself, and it needed it. I liked how you started with your family and moved out to the town, like a cinematic lens zooming out for the big picture while the smaller pieces are puzzle-esque in nature and fit both the topic specifically and the grand picture. However, the big picture felt unfinished and thats where I think the ending stemmed from. Could be wrong but thats my take.

Nyc -- nice characterization. Felt more like an ode than I would have liked it to. Less story driven essentially. Kind of lackadaisical writing comparative to what I know youre capable of, but I can't fault you for that - just disappointed. Good take on the topic, appropriate and inspiring - in the sense that history is being forgotten by each new generation. Its hard to find someone to accurately represent history anymore and soon itll be some lies in a book.

Vote nyc

[timeless]

v. nyc

I don't know what the fuck soulstice was talking about honestly. His poem style of writing annoys the hell out of me, and I try not to vote on his battles because of that but his lack of motivation this week went without question. NYC came calm and collective as always, enjoyed a nations foreshadow.

[UnbornBuddha]

Soulstice, I am an avid fan of how you describe scenes, and play with words. To some it may come off as flowery, but to my conscious it comes of as very metrical, and serene. You are also very good when it comes to writing this short pieces. For example, what you came up with last week was composed with a delicate artistic touch. Albeit, from what I have read from you it is apparent you tend to dash through your creative process, and what results is something elegant due to your years of experience. However, with a fine eye it is clear that your heart did not fully become immersed into your creation. Thus, what is created is an incomplete substance. Perhaps, this comes about because your poetic complexity tends to overshadow the essence causing the reader overlook it. Discouraged, or perhaps due to a lack of time the quintessence of what your fully capable of becomes blurred. Anyways, not to take anything from what you provided, I just thought to chirp the commentary scripted in my mind. I enjoyed the language, and the metaphors.

NY- The historical take was very vivid, and seems to encompass the man Thomas appeared to represent himself as. A memory came to mind as I read your verse; it was a memory of a younger me listening to a 33 degree Mason spouting off the admiration for Jefferson, and Benjamin Franklin. This deceased individuals represent of culmination of thought that became token characters for those who see themselves as carrying their torch. A torch whose fire spreads the contagion of freedom. But, also as you succinctly stated there is always another side to this heat. In this case, Jefferson was a slave connoisseur. There is also this enigma foreshadowing their very decisions that they made, so as to achieve a greater purpose, and what went behind the scenes when deciding how to go about through quandary times. Some of your wording is a bit off, I think. This line in particular "growing up with kids' parents immoral handling slaves. The placement of immoral I believe should come before the parents. Now, I usually don't care so much for derisory details. But, as I become accustomed to reading from you I notice the paltry details, and see that you tend to word things a bit odd at times. I'm sure you you know how to, it may be due to confidence in your own ability that you become negligent at times, even when you have a tendency to look for the perfect wording to express what is lodged in your tongue.

Given the completeness of the work my vote is casted forth to NYCSPITZ.

[Certain]

Soulstice: This reminded me of a collaboration I did with Split called "Neighborhood" (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=50917) that we could have used a third person on. This would have fit right in with that. I loved the scene setting and the little details, like the fields that are now turf. But the second half of the verse could have used more of that delicate touch.

NYCSPITZ: This was an interesting take on the topic. Thomas Jefferson kind of is going through a second revisionist wind these days, after the era-based racism was exposed and he was reconsidered, people are now saying, "Wait, he was a man of his time but even more he was the man of his time." I'm not sure you fully sold me on the relation to the Mark Twain quote, but your opponent didn't hit the nail on the head there, either. Moreover, your mechanics and rhymes were strong and the portrait was clean.

Vote: NYCSPITZ