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View Full Version : WK9: Certain (7-1) vs. Pent uP (2-1) [Pent uP wins, 4-2.]


King Ra.
12-02-2014, 03:26 AM
AOWL Season IV, Week 9


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Saturday, December 6th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Tuesday, December 9th, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: All things truly wicked start from innocence. - Ernest Hemingway.




Good luck. Certain Pent uP

Pent uP
12-05-2014, 09:05 PM
Generational Hero


Fire in my face while I'm trying to escape;
sweat violent, and like rain, driving me insane.
Panic rushes while havoc crushes my bike and all my games.
Breathing seizes as I see some people striding through the frame.
Trails and tunnel vision - orange flames and bloody crimson.
I wonder if they'll see me as I fade and hug my Piglet....

Sirens blasting, an asbestos blanket and an oxygen mask.
A lone cop, erratic breathing, covered in blotches of ash.
Fire hoses, artificial rain, my home long in the past.
A sigh of relief - fine, but I'm weak
..and gone with a CRASH.

A hospital bed, a throb in my head, a bunch of visiting people.
Worried parents, balloons and clones of my mystical hero.
All I remember is the uniform, not his physical features -
the beginning to a summer of "Wish You Were Here" sir....

That winter I couldn't wait for Christmas, to shop -
The house was rebuilt and my pops expected my wishlist to drop.
I wanted Lego sets and action figures themed in the interest of cops -
But I was hoping they saw me eying the BB gun pistol in stock.
My vision was locked, squeezing hard on my dads hand -
because I wanted to imitate my guardian man, BAD.

I grew up before tablets and WiFi; when having a right mind
meant making decisions based on morals that stand to define why.
I played cops and robbers by day, never imagined a night life,
and generally worked to hear people say "Dan, you're a fine guy."

In school I wrestled and ran - what else do you expect of a man?
I was senseless and grand when I had a girl held in my hands.
Never on the fence with a plan - what else do you expect of a man?
Ideas became dreams, and my dreams became a quest that I'd land.
I passed the academy and started racking a salary
by catching the baddest beasts with a ratchet, a badge, and sneaks.

I'm losing faith in a culture that's unprosperous and costly.
We went from "Cowboys or Indians?" to "Autobots or the zombies?"
"Monogamous or Molly?" Why choose between unconsciousness or folly?
I stand for age old tradition and everything forgotten in the calling
'cause I want to protect the children in the vein of every father.
...Then I get my next call:
"suspect's name is Eric Garner."

"All things truly wicked start from innocence."
-Ernest Hemingway

Certain
12-06-2014, 02:14 AM
Immaculata mythology. The Virgin Mary bleeding for sins,
believing within that she was flawless, conceiving with Him.
No reason to give in as the choir speaks in a hymn
of guilt-trip anachronistically deviant demons and imps.
You're nodding. Jesus a kid. Or better yet, weak in the limbs,
he hangs from a cross with perfect countenance, releasing our sins.
Now you can pretend the scripture says what they're preaching, but then
you'd be turning a blind eye toward the whole meaning of it.
I'm the shadow streaking across the darkest corners of society.
Disorderly and rioting, I won't be ignored or forced to hide again.
I'm here. Refusing a seat in the sycophant symphony hall,
which makes me infinitely better than you sickening wimps in your shawls.
I don't believe in God. I don't believe in you. I don't believe in John Lennon.
I don't believe in a soft heaven with blue skies and our lost brethren.
I do believe in me. Me is the only thing I can prove,
and if I can prove anything, I exist. It's the simplest rule.
Ego. The prism of fools. Mine diminished in youth.
Through Heraclitus and Hoffer, developed discriminant tools
that serve now as a rubric for unlimited use
of the logical, crystallized truth that no god could have given to you.
"God is dead." Nietzsche had it half-right.
The literal truth is that gods aren't dead; they never existed with any physical roots.
And the burden shall be on the prosecution. This is the view:
God does not exist unless someone can bring us some proof.

Yet there's a counterpoint, an editorial rebuttal re-framing the facts.
Take away their false idols and see how the laymen react.
Atheism opened as a patient strain of thought and counter-philosophy
but without the theocracy, there's no restraint or plot.
We're godless, right? That's the goal of restless Sodomites
who often find a reason to take out their internal misgivings on honest, kind
Jesus-fearing folks who are just fine to walk with blinds
and not worry about some greater truth that simply clogs the mind.
See, religions (all of them, thank you) set guide-paths for the people,
and while you search for meaning in life, many find that under steeple.

Under corruption. The church was built on a series of lies,
a tyranny-tied power structure cleverly yet clearly disguised.
Take souls and collection plates from the hypnotized masses,
and place the sinners' names on a fictional blacklist.
Then they ask what began all the backlash,
with altar boys sacrificed by the most privileged Catholics.
And when the intellects speak, their ears fill up with wax and
their holy redeemer seems to visit the bathroom.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
We're all on it. Shook with vengeance, crooks descending.
There's little left. So we might as well try to set a standard
even if we don't tie it to a pious Christian handbook.
So Mary was a whore? So God might not even exist?
The atheist perspective fails to right its grievances.

But there's a power to being correct, a power that's seeded with knowledge,
and without it, we'll continue to have our freedom admonished.

Yet here and now, the wicked men sit, believing they're honest.

Arid
12-06-2014, 01:31 PM
DOPE

PentUp, current. I was wrapped in your story, engrossed. I like how you plotted this. The narrative grew naturally and had the feel of a flashback montage. Your ending felt a little rushed, and the reveal at the end was daring. There's something missing, and I can't really explain why, but I feel like this wasn't quite as powerful as it had the potential to be.

Certain, challenging. Your comparison seemed a bit one-sided. More time was spent outlining and defending the atheist view than the religious. It actually came off well though, because from my experience, religion is one sided, and many religious people won't spend time logically explaining themselves. More often they spout dogma and claim you are a sinner for not taking things at face value. Wording and flow here were effective, cleverly rhymed and clearly understood.

Vote-Certain. Pent wrapped his verse nicely, and the narrative progression was flawless. But I feel he didn't embellish enough here, the whole thing was dry and felt like an overview, where Certain struck emotional chords with purpose.

Mr. J
12-06-2014, 03:44 PM
This was a nice battle...very well matched opponents

Pent, I enjoyed the pace in which you set your verse from start to finish
the way you use every aspect of your flow to keep the piece moving was smooth
I feel like the best moment was about half way through the piece..
the beginning was amazing for the start of your tale, but it picked up somewhere after BB gun
the way you paint your character is truly an interesting take on how you write
the build up was pretty amazing to say the least, nice work man...

certain, the flow of your piece is quite amazing as well...from the start you don't let up
and as you continue on you seemed to really show why you were the title holder
I feel like you really showed your ability to carry a piece with consistent rhyme & fluency
you have a firm grasp on your style of writing and show how you can use that skill in execution
nice work here man...

V/ I don't really have any complaints about this battle at all
both writers are evenly matched as far as I can see when reading
the fluent flow of both rhymers shows their hunger to progress here
you both showed how great examples of how to mold a topic into your own
the best part of this is the fact you both didn't let up at all
either way, I feel like I can relate to Pent's verse more than Certains
I enjoyed Certain's take, but I feel like Pent edged it out with character development
not saying Certain didn't have it, I can just relate to Pent's verse more..
nice work fellas..going with Pent on this one

Spoken
12-06-2014, 05:27 PM
Pent up- you had a very mind set vision and proved it to be somewhat of a trickle of what u had in plan. The main facet of this verse was the connection between reader and writer. The placements of emotion was correlated to put us in those shoes in a sense and make us feel prosperous as the character. The fact it's a current event is cool not a view people really execute... Some hiccups I felt went bland but overall a solid piece thru out.

Certain- u took the imagery to a whole new level and went the opposite with Pent and created a whole world that is also current today. The argument of religion and facade of God being the demeanor of the lesser such as the church and people who faith them as apostles in flesh to tell us about god. Some things g in my neck of the woods happens alot. U detailed it to me honestly a little over the top but I guess u knew Pent will come correct so u put ur best foot forward.

Both were great awesome and all but I can only choose one and I gotta go with....... Pent up for his simple approach but his wording was clean and fresh fleshed out the ideal and really took his character in a build for the reader to feel don't get me wrong certain was splendid but it came down to which came to me more ad a whole and pets squeezed by....

CopyPat
12-07-2014, 08:13 PM
hmm this is tough. obviously both well written. for me pent your verse was very much up my alley: GREAT flow, easy to follow story and relate-able content. i really enjoyed your verse. Certain i absolutely loved your verse against me 2 weeks ago but this one was just too much for me. you bored me with the length of this verse and with some of ur wordy ass vocab that halted the flow in places. both concepts were unique but i just vibed with pents more and would choose that style every time over what certain did. certain ur idea was cool but the drawn out style of ur piece just didn't do it for me. i felt like u wrote more but said less than pent? personal preference here obviously but yeah really really dug pents verse. the internal rhyming was smooth as shit. great drop. good battle gents

vote:Pent

Soulstice
12-08-2014, 11:53 PM
Pent - the story here is the evolution from wide eyed youth to demonized killer. How did that transition develop - it was well rooted, trying to become what once saved him, meanwhile, he is torn in a society that paints things in black and white so stubbornly. The wording in each line was kind of eh, but the themes were screaming at me and were so strongly developed without throwing them in my face it made up for it. Nice take on the state of things.

Certain - I personally think that the atheist/theist debate comes down to one group attacking the other on a holistic organizational level and the other side defending themselves on a personal level. ie - the cardinal bishops are raping children! well, i find peace in going to church, im not a pedophile myself or godless men are partaking in senseless violence! you dont see me partaking in the crusades buddy. So what I search for in your verse is a reconciling of those differences in bringing that debate to a standstill (or some form of closure) where both sides are arguing on an even keel. Hopefully that makes sense. Anyway, I don't think you whiffed but I don't think you hit it out of the park entirely. I finished the verse and nodded my head, if you will.

So Pent manages to capture the pressures of a generation against the personal trials of one policeman, while Certain dabbles in organizational and personal tear-downs.
V/ Pentup for stringing together more things conceptually

timeless
12-09-2014, 08:56 PM
v. certain

felt his take on the topic was more creative and written more concise. don't get me wrong, pent delivered a dope verse but I don't think it matches up with certains this week. sorry for quick vote take it or don't