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View Full Version : WK10: Vulgar (5-3) vs. Frank (3-3) [Vulgar wins, 6-2.]


King Ra.
12-12-2014, 03:03 PM
AOWL Season IV, Week 10


OFFICIAL RULES:

Verses are due Sunday, December 14th, 11:59p.m. PCT/2:59a.m. EST/7:59a.m. UK. There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, December 17th, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.


TOPIC: Nas- "Not Going Back"



Good luck. Vulgar Frank

Vulgar
12-12-2014, 05:37 PM
"A Space Vacation"


Planet excursion, I'll be damned if I'm nervous
Lowering our hovercraft over the dark blue atmosphere, planning submersion
last year the pundits asked if the Hamptons were worth it
We had nothing to show for it but hotel bills & deeds from lands we had purchased
My wife and I were traveling biologists, seeking aliens lurking
Originally we came for scientific experiments; romance had reversed it
as we slow danced on the surface of the ship's pleasure deck
It was tantric inertia -
You wouldn't believe the gratifying feeling that abandoning Earth gives
She had the body of a goddess, the delicate hands of a surgeon
I had the keys to both her heart, and the Galactic Suburban
At first, it was picture perfect, we landed in fields that were tanner than Persians
unloaded our microscopes and planted our cryogenic cameras - the amethyst versions
Two days later, our ship started being hit by several damaging currents
Were they soundwaves from terrestrial life forms? Or merely random gamma dispersion
I turned on the translation module and listened to the sampling circuits
Unbelievably, it was my wife's voice - commanding and earnest
"Honey?" I said aloud, suspecting the message carried a scandalous purpose
Then I went out looking for my wife on the otherworldly terrain -
only to find out that she was gone. She'd disbanded her work tent
No note and no heat signature - safety measures we'd been barely concerned with
I immediately considered sending out a beacon but we were way off the search grid
My wife's voice flowed throughout the ship like a seductive séance - intangible verses
yet amply enchanting enough to cause a rise in my pants from the verbiage
My head wasn't hurting - just consumed by her soft, ambient purring
For god's sakes, I would've grabbed my noise-cancelling headset if I'd had but the courage
Was my wife abducted? The scariest thought was, was I a man who preferred it?
The sensors went off as something boarded the ship - had my wife managed deterrence?
She entered the control room where I was lying, feint yet observant
then proceeded to ride me raw -
in that paralyzed state, I could only assume my pecker was workin'
The sex was perverted, although it left me feeling oddly satisfied
She had an orgasm, let out an ungodly, savage cry; a celestial sermon
Might I add that her head game was highly advanced, an exceptional service?
Needless to say, I left with this person
and whether or not she's my real wife, I ain't coming back..

Frank
12-15-2014, 02:56 AM
"The Eve"


Little Joseph rolled over, and over, and over, uncontrollably in his sheet
While Snow blanketed him in his homely, cosy retreat.
Santas' Elves were going to be busy in the north pole for the week -
Unloading, loading, reloading sleighs, being towed by the elite Reindeer - red nose in the fleet
..
The fire in the living room glows with a remote, and no heat
His parents tip toe through the hallway, w/ each sole exposing a creak
"Look how much we saved!" showing the receipt to one another, over a glass of wine - toasting to the tree
Growing up... they never grew out of the Christmas spirit - they chose to believe
[I]Mistletoe high where you could see[I] - groping with glee -
Joseph closed his eyes and dozed off to the white snow flurries outside his window like sheep
Santa stroked his beard and drank his hot cocoa tea,
Scolding Rudolph, tying the rope around his neck - his fur frozen in sleet
Santa Clause looked through his telescope at a serene scene - holy and bleak
His chubby cheeks, rosy and peach, his coat red; his elves green. Joseph, black on a ghetto street.
The head Elf double checks the Christmas lists before putting a bow on it neat,
His parents put out the cookies and leave crumbs and half empty glasses of milk with a note in a wreath
All is silent. The crackling of chestnuts roasting in a seethe
The hooves of reindeer trotting to a stop -
"HOLD!!"
"CEASE!!!!"
The Reindeers nostrils flared smoking with steam
The Christmas lights are so bright they cloak the mischiev
Josephs brother boasted` Santa was real and so it seemed, as the house shook down to the stones and and the beams
A 400 pound man was clearing the chimney... soot sprinkling into the fake fire place - coating the screen
Flopping to his swollen feet,
Santa swung the bag of goodies over his shoulder...fatigued
Having a seat in front of the crumbs, finishing the milk that's been old for a week
Approaching the crack of the door, Joseph slowly creeps -
As a Jolly old fellow dampened his fingers to get the last of the cookie crumbs before bestowing his mystique
"Joseph dont open the door!"
Joseph peeks
Santa senses Joseph and bolted, his Reindeer jolted and fleed
Postponing, Santa returned to the home at 3
The roads were deep and the wind had been blowing east
And Joseph's eyes wasn't closed, this was his moment
He lied emotionless, his brother 5 years old in a dream
Little Joseph walked to the door, not the remotest peep
As Reindeer vocals shrieked, foam in their teeth
His brother woke up "No Joe DON'T!!"
Joseph said "Go back to bed" as Santa unloaded the eve
Joseph opened the door, he wasn't going back to sleep

NYCSPITZ
12-15-2014, 09:18 AM
Good battle gents

I thought Vulgar's first 80% was dope. The multies were on point, the creativity was off the chain and the story compelling. Sci-Fi is also right up my alley so I thought I was reading a top 3 verse of the entire season to be honest, which Vulgar can pull off basically at will. Your downfall was that the abrupt switch to humor at the end made the story fucking wack. You meticulously crafted an aura of suspense and intrigue, then suddenly changed from that wonderful structure to a humorous one which clashed completely with the rest of your verse. That killed it for me. Other than that I thought you were on point excepting a few word choices (feint?)

Frank's was a nice little Christmas whimsy, and the overall togetherness of his poem made the submission more compelling than Vulgar's, which was irreparably fractured by the weird change in mood. It's almost as if you have been listening to nothing but christmas carols for the last 2 weeks. Other than the fact u forgot to italicize the mistletoe line this was crazy. The flow was on point and it was a good way to use the times of the season to your advantage.

MVGT: Frank

UnbornBuddha
12-15-2014, 07:18 PM
I'm in a plane so bear with me gentlemen. Vulgar, you have very eloquent wording, with imagery that bombards the reader's mind with your vivid imagination, which I might add that you are able to bring to life, generating a captivating serenade as the details dance through the mind's eye of the reader. I liked some of your couplets more than Franks, but the way you decided to direct the piece was a bit wayward, and I felt was kind of strange. The angle itself did not work with the rest of the sequence. I definitely liked most of it, just felt off.

Frank, the best word I can describe yours is cute. Like Vulgar you continued your rhyme scheme throughout, but yours was more consistent syllable wise. Anyways, a fun little story that resonates with the upcoming holidays.

Vote: Frank

Mr. J
12-15-2014, 07:25 PM
Vulgar, your verse is great as far as I'm concerned, the way you switched up the topic brought out a very, very different approach then I would have expected from you, but I've already come to know, you grasp onto your topic and bring a very eloquent way of putting it, the piece just seemed to fall together as we I kept reading and really picked up towards the end.

Frank, you never seize to impress me, the way you carry out your piece is very well written and you have a smooth way of crafting your verse around whatever it is that you decide to write upon, I feel like you really put on a great show by adding a little holiday spirit to your verse, you did great here and made me enjoy it from beginning to end

V/this is one of the more tougher votes I'll probably make today...
but I feel both came with a great idea and put together some stellar verses
the only problem I have is that there are few problems to point out
step it up guys...create a problem...v/Vulgar, I just really enjoyed the creativity of his verse
Frank was good but Vulgar resonates with me more...nice drop fellas

Pent uP
12-16-2014, 11:34 PM
Vul GRR -- somewhere towards the end the multi got muddled and it made the read much more painstaking than it shouldve been. That aside, the narration and diction were fairly clean and at points poetic. I really resonate with the ending (not that im leaving my lady, lol) in the sense that it wasnt the answer that was important in the end but the feeling. Idk, I feel theres a good amount of subtext to it, even though theres not. The writing drew away from the comedic touches you implemented (like the saying the head was bomb so u didnt care what happened). Tone was too sci fi to let comedy in. Idk...solid drop but could use touching up

Frank -- cool tale of childish wonderment and mysticism. Characteriziation and imagery being the strongest points, and those are strong points to have. You gotta hire an editor or stop being lazy though....there were grammatical errors, typos, spelling errors, structural errors, and broken rhymes. The broken rhymes thing is kinda weird to pick on cuz u had 3 schemes back n forth throughout the piece that used some of the same sounds, but it irked me. Solid submission but if you let your mechanics loosen up youd be a better writer.

vote vulgar

Arid
12-17-2014, 11:52 AM
Vulgar, well vulgar ;). I enjoyed your rhyme scheme a lot. Coming up with that many phrases that all rhyme isn't easy, but you managed not to stretch wording to fit. The story progressed a bit strangely, but was fascinating through out. That ending tho... o.O

Frank, bold. You went with the exact same gimmick that your opponent did, bit you ended up with a lot more awkward wording to get the rhymes. I like that you went for a Christmas story, but you lost the narrative and rushed the end.

Vote, Vulgar. Frank tried to ape your style here and ended up sacrificing his story and flow to the rhyme scheme. You managed to string this together without skipping a beat.

CopyPat
12-17-2014, 12:56 PM
lmao this was fucking awesome. best and most enjoyable battle i've read in a hella long time. ahahaha. wish they were all like this. you both wrote very well, both created awesome imagery and obviously flowed nicely. although i normally prefer the rhyme schemes to evolve rather than use the SAME one the WHOLE verse it was still cool and dope. great story telling and ENJOYABLE content by both. damn this is tough.

V u started off FIRE, i agree that the ending was really strange but i mean 90% if not more of this verse was really well done and impressive.

Frank ur idea of writing a Christmas story was cool and original

overall i think both verses were pretty similar but vulgars read more polished to me and i feel like he had also better vocab, a tad more complexity and a slightly more interesting story. frank i loved ur verse but when the battle is THIS close then i have to look at the small details and i think vulgar just executed a little better than you in a few aspects. this is mega close though and sucks that one has to lose. one of the best battles of the year as far as i'm concerned. 2 hugely original takes on the topic. GREAT battle

Vote: Vulgar in a nail-biter

Zen
12-17-2014, 07:36 PM
Vulgar:
yet amply enchanting enough to cause a rise in my pants from the verbiage
^lol'd at the change because it came out of nowhere.

Cool verse especially when you consider you maintained the same rhyme scheme throughout the verse. I think the first half was written better than the last half, but I always appreciate humor in verses so I dug the switch up there at the end even if the writing itself wasn't as great. I liked this.

Frank: Frank came with another holiday special. Didn't you drop a thanksgiving verse in season 1 or was it Christmas too? Idk, I can't remember now. You kept up with the same rhyme scheme like vulgar but I'd say your rhymes were a bit more impressive at times. At other times I thought the lines were too stretched and that fucked up the flow a bit. Cool verse, but I thought it dragged on a bit towards the end.

Both verses were good here, but Vulgar was able to keep my attention more throughout. V/Vulgar

PancakeBrah
12-21-2014, 03:24 PM
Wow guys this a match up of the titans. Two legends of the game. ABA court. Afros. Cocaine and disco.

Seems like you guys wrote a lot of words here.

Vulgar:

This was very good, Vulgar. Your wording was bonk. Bonk, man.

"For god's sakes, I would've grabbed my noise-cancelling headset if I'd had but the courage
Was my wife abducted? The scariest thought was, was I a man who preferred it?"

Awesome. There were other examples much like that scattered throughout. I thought the rather vulgar (LOL), plainly-stated, and utilitarian introduction of the sex descriptions were at contrast with the previously earned tone of the writing. But then you switched right back into your previous mode, so all's well that ends well. I think the rhyme scheme was an homage to your opponent. Well done. The Galactic Suburban lmao you cheeky kunt.

Frank:

What a wonderfully timed verse, Frank. You've got some real panache. I thought this was a good verse as well. Your rhyming and flow were a bit off to me at points. Also, you had multiple grammatical errors. But the story was well executed, if not a bit long winded due to your natural style. Thanks for the read.

Vulgar was laser beam precise. Frank was flowery and slightly erratic. Both were good; one was great!

v/ Vulgar