Week 5 - PancakeBrah vs PiE - PB WINS

[Mike Wrecka]

Memo week 5.
Greetings competitors, we return to the style of the week 1 challenge. CONSTRAINED WRITING TASK WEEK, you are required to complete one of a series of difficult constrained writing challenges. Your specific task will be phrased in the negative as an instruction requiring some omission of a common writing aspect. You only need to meet your requirement, otherwise you can write about anything you like. Find below your match-ups and specific tasks.

Specific Task - Lipogram - No Letter G

Verses Due - Wednesday 23:59 PST
Voting Period Ends - Sunday 23:59 PST

Good Luck PancakeBrah PiE

[PancakeBrah]

Check

[PiE]

COOL

[PancakeBrah]

Pale. (There's no Twist.)




Sixteen. Her raven hair sprayed on the native earth,
the bottom, she would say it hurts,
but she loved every thrust, the dew, and cicada's chirps.

----

Cheers. She often was startled by the clash's clink,
lost in a martini,
with the breath of a menthol and match's link.
Ms. 'Past the brink', the residuals of the stained of soul,
Black dressed, with purple mascara and lashes pink,
she'd rather just stash her drink and remain at home,
with her bedroom floor lathed in mink and satin sheets
and a stainless pole. Then drink her vodka laced,
ovulate, and by nine succumb to a blackened sleep.
But she'd cave to the crutch
of the public. Alone, her depression wasn't pervasive to touch.
She loved it. The needs of a wooden bar full of subjects,
sated a lust, and made her feel like a duchess. The ardent stares,
and passive lisps of whiskey failed Bon Ivers.
Muscle bound or mops of hair, it's all the same when a whisper's impaired;
just moths in the air, dismissed with another flip of her hair.
Because they couldn't know her expression. All the lessons and lesions.
The predicate reasons for the "Well, it’s best I be leavin"s.
Everyone's lived twenty one years here, to earn a taste,
but not a one's lived hers, and how it permutates
and reflects every isolated act like some burnished plate
carried on her neck, slouched by a burden, burned in place.
"Everyone has a troubled past."
Yes, but not everyone who experienced lived it then succumbed and crashed,
and she had no time for macro takes,
when she only had one test run at life to machinate
the patterns of self doubt and shame,
and how one love can then douse the flame.
Possible suitors, a dozen a dime, could enjoy a fast life,
but she'd rather explore the depths of depression, and feel what that's like,
fine with an eventual return to a familiar home, headstone in native earth,
soul at rest in cadence with cicada chirps.

[PiE]

http://ec.l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock5079276.jpg~ Pi in the Sky ~ http://ec.l.thumbs.canstockphoto.com/canstock5079277.jpg


In mathematics, this adds the tactics to develop equations
We measure the shapes we're destined to make that are compelled within phases
Excelled within makeshift functions used to expel us in spaceships
Scientific patterns like specifics of Saturn within unveiled calculations

Such a principle number; it's even uncovered in the books of the Bible
Put in precise codes; II Chronicles 4, 2 and if you look at that title..
He made molten sea, ten cubits from one, brim to brim, all about it was round.
He was five cubits: a line of 30 cubits did compass it about.
In laymen terms, this explains the Earth's diameter of a circle
With Pi in the subset to find the circumference that's dispersed universal
In several facets of life, the mathematics of Pi have been accessed to thrive
These facts we've devised are mastered in times to surpass them refined
From Babylonians with objects made in conjunction with use of radius functions
To ancient Romans who've reshaped with this subject to elevate it in public
The first theoretical way it was published; the brilliance of Archimedes
Who placed shapes over circles to measure in steps so civilians could repeat these...

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRXDwL3WAUK4MT8ZsplKjSutviZeQqp-O8dtJMjig69DVa5gfhRJghttps://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRiY-vz8PvAfFzQ3dbyF8joZHx87CI4qNf6CTtAzWalPHudmEOwHg
https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSliYhvKOGmc2rLML2cvoFUurnWmenGo MuHezp8AxLRqc04zKNe


Pi is a dessert that quenches our thirst because it's data is juicy
Whether used in space or from fruit trees, it holds its place and it's beauty
In symbolic ways, it can sooth me; circular flow and even the face of the cutie...
In my picture below with PiE in her PiE hole: she embraces her duty

Now intellect's sequestered within all our sectors and used to profit in scams
The science of Pi supplies satellites as an apostle to man
Probable plans are plotted and planned from codecs unlocked as they span..
With applications that has our nation's smartest in attempts to rob us with spam
A trick of the trade they've traded for tricks within these sinister days
And money tendered to praise as we sit and look dazed; hypnotized by video rays
Pi is the choice we rely on for noise and even textual codes
Not in Xs, but Os and every circular key, it has untethered the load
Even in weather, it holds measurements known for spherical accuracy
It adheres as the balance beams for rotation inside pivotal travel schemes
We need more of these uses instead of horrid abuses that molest it with batteries
Now she undresses for salaries; stripped naked until her treasures unravel east

3.14159265359.....
http://i1.cp***he.com/product_zoom/861185889/i_heart_pi_jewelry_case.jpg?color=Mahogany&height=200&width=200&padToSquare=true

My dreams are of her and scenes are absurd because we're married with kids
As she multiplies from the other side in endless numerical bliss
I can only hear for her kiss because her lip's in the middle of 3
But she's a lovely rounded picture for me that does splits in between
Peaceful in portions, but can be so enormous, there's no retreat from her forces
Her teases are whorish,
but she won't use condoms and doesn't believe in abortions
She's beaten, extorted and that process is in repeat for resources
Works of Pi in the sky so I try to just fly to rub numbers when received in her orbit
I let her win races; the ways that her waist shifts, it's a better view taken
She sways like a blatant distraction to move her assets several decimal places
Incredible days spent with her, she's made me better from basics
As she serenades me; her musical voice has a stellar translation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8a0ceJwLPgM

There's no apparent relation from Pi to pie, but they're a pair in my matrix
We make a threesome; the radius of crust is where both are tasted
I eat as a testament from trees that represents the pastry treats that are delicate
A feast of the elements in seasonal recklessness until obesity settles in
I've fiend for her every since mentioned in math and remained relentless in class
Convinced I should have her by side as a symmetrical match
She's lent me some cash, paid my rent when I've had not much, but lint in my stash
But I wouldn't manipulate that, my intentions aren't masked so it was paid back
She knows how I care in the roles she inherits within the folds of her parish
A mold of perfection; with me, her mind, body and soul will be cherished
We've flown on her merits from the lakeside knolls of Rome up to Paris
That's when I presented
her with a proposal to marry me and these stones full of carats

http://img1.etsystatic.com/007/0/6927047/il_570xN.407842237_3oe2.jpg
- Pi In The Sky, A True Story -
http://gizmodo.com/5942949/artist-skywrites-the-first-thousand-digits-of-pi-over-san-francisco

[Certain]

PancakeBrah: As I said last week, it's nice to see you more fully investing yourself in this league after three weeks of shorter submissions to start. This verse feels more within your normal structure than last week's which was more straightforward (though beautiful in its way because of the high level of character development within the context of a story). The return to a more poetic technique suited the subject really well, and the rhyme scheme was wonderfully complex. There were some times, primarily in the final third of the verse, where the content lost some steam, where you got a little redundant, albeit with new metaphors and diction. That's one of the effects of creating a character rather than a story. Mostly, though, the character sketch was very strong. Maybe our damsel isn't the most original of characters, but she has a fleshed-out set of values and fears and habits, and that was appreciated. I wish you hadn't used the word "leavin' " because, while I expected to see G's left off gerunds given the constraint, you only did it once and easily could have avoided it altogether. But that's being nitpicky. This was a very nic read. I loved "dismissed with another flip of her hair" and "Everyone's lived twenty one years here" and the final line.

PiE: OK, so the font has got to go. If you're messing with your font, you're taking away from the words of your verse, particularly when you're making your verse unreadably small. Now, that's out of the way. This verse had me really nervous at first, between all the images and the weird topic and the thick diction. Within a few lines, though, you had convinced me you could pull this complex topic off. You broke down a lot of uses for Pi, and I'm enough of a nerd to have known most and been familiar with most of your references. The ones I was a little spotty on, I looked up. What's more, you did this without the letter G and while maintaining a very strong rhyme scheme. Your verse certainly was more impressive than PancakeBrah's in its execution. But I think you made a common mistake: You started writing about something you had a passion for, then kept writing and writing. This verse needs an editor's trim, as it's about 20 lines longer than it needed to be. What's more, the metaphor becomes a bit tortured toward the end, when you begin to sexualize Pi. I understand what you were going for with the curves and ring shape and all, but it didn't work as well as it needed to in order to really bring the verse home. I have a ton of respect for the work you put out here, but I think you beat yourself by going so hard at it. Brevity is the soul of wit.

Vote: PancakeBrah

[Flow]

Tough shout.

Pancake had a nice polished drop with a well rounded protagonist which isn't easy when using as short a lines as he did with letter constraints. The flow and imagery was sublime especially at the start.

Pi your piece was a monster in length. Was polished and technically better then pans which is how I was able to read it all the way through with out faltering. Issue is you once again starting taking your topic off on some sexual crazed shit... You could of cut a lot of lines from it as well.

Technically pi was better but sometimes less is more and I enjoyed pans for a more direct feel to his task

Vote pancake

[Pinot Grij]

Ok, my original vote was erased and now I'm pissed.

Pancake, this was a nice-ish verse from you. I have to disagree with CS though... to me, you seemed LESS invested with this drop. If you boil this verse down, basically she likes to go to bars and eventually she will be buried in the same field where she used to bang truckers (or whatever). The finer details which are usually spun so well in your verses, fell flat here for me. The end rhymes didn't offer real payoffs, so the in-rhymes just seemed like an academic exercise of sorts. This was a good, but not great drop for me.

Pie, commenting on the fonts, pictures, etc. It is a major annoyance and something that should be avoided, but that's not a basis for an opinion on your verse, just a general preference thing. Also, I have images disabled on the site to make it more SFW so I didn't really get the full assault on the eyes. As far as content, I was hoping for another comical drop from you this week and you dropped an atomic bomb instead. I had no idea about half of this shit concerning Pi, but you sold me on these ideas. The Bible verse part was nice... when you bring something to light like that that your readers aren't going to be familiar with... you can basically sell them on it even if it isn't true. But it was. There were times where you went a little too hard on your scheme and it made your lines imprecise

In several facets of life, the mathematics of Pi have been accessed to thrive
These facts we've devised are mastered in times to surpass them refined
See what I mean? 'accessed to thrive' - like, its implied that mankind thrives, but its still sounds like an unfinished thought. Same with "surpass them refined" - that doesn't really make direct sense, you had to bend the thought to fit the scheme, which is a no-no.

I liked the shift from seeing how Pi is misused by shady individuals in mathematical schemes and then how you drew that comparison to how she should be your lover, because you accept and understand all the right uses for it, whereas Pi is being exploited like a cheap whore for a buck. That sounds kind of like a ridiculous concept when I type it out, but in the context of the verse it totally works.

Overall, my biggest criticism is, yes, sometimes it seems like you bit off more than you can chew here as the ideas and schemes can get pretty lofty... but they ultimately did pay off more than they detracted. I was almost mesmerized by the application here. I think it was a strong, if not flawed, drop and it takes my vote

Vote for PiE

[Mike Wrecka]

ok very cool battle here.

pancakebrah - really good verse. had some really dope lines in there like permutate one. you described this woman very well, used a lot of imagery and details. the one problem I had is a minor one, it didn't feel that creative. ive read a lot of verses about a down trodden woman. and I never really enjoy them for some reason. your rhyme scheme was strong. in a few spots you went with a scheme that was a bit unconventional, I see vulgar do that a lot in a very similar way, it works well but feels staggered a bit. oh and that cicada chirps line was pretty awesome. you created a dope vibe with your signature imagery, you create a setting but then add the layer of creating a mood to the setting. well done.

pie - I was impressed here. you took a very boring subject like math, and made it interesting for someone that hates math. the flow was sick. the inners were really working with the scheme you created. ya this dope. on a side not I didn't mind the images, but the font was slightly annoying. anyway, heres where you went wrong. this verse dragged on way too long. each section it got less interesting. if you would have cut the last two sections, it would have been much better. I reading this verse like wow this is amazing. then it felt like it should finish and it just kept going. I was like why am I still reading this. and it wasn't nearly as good as the beginning. so that took a great verse to a very good verse imo.

overall - pancake had the dope imagery that ive come to expect from him. he created a mood and had very solid mechanics. pie had a creative verse with sick flow. that did drag on forever. im gonna vote pie in an extremely close contest. his verse impressed me slightly more.

vote - pie

[Adonis]

Bruhv - Some weird wording in the beginning... Clash's Clink, and stained of soul... The first is fine, the latter I was a mistake not caught because it reads awkward having two "OF's" in one line. Anyway, this was some very solid writing beside the really the only one thing I didn't like above. The visuals in the piece were strong, from the hair flicks, to her being alone, somber and just falling deeper into that depression with a drink. I resonate with this character, not because of the death, but the drinking with a cause almost. That's another story, but the emotion this verse held was very strong. The tense you used for writing it was perfect, the word usage was almost serene how you would phrase things IMO at least. I enjoyed this quite a bit guy. I'll take a stab at it and say this was about a widow lady dealing with her sorrows with the bottle yo.


PIE - So as I said before, the font truly threw me off because it strains my eyes. I also said I would plug in word and if there were spelling errors I then would see opposed to not catching them, well there were zero. Which tells me 1 thing, you actually care, so thank you for that. But the wording in the entire verse was sound as could be, with this exception...I've fiend for her every since mentioned in math and remained relentless in class... This to me didn't work at all. But like your counter part, the wording and tense you used was damn near sublime. The verse was read with extreme ease except for above quote, and was simply well written. This was a love story, with a very different approach but considering how Witty it was, the writing I think out shined everything else.



v/Pie

This was a very dope battle. Two extremely well written pieces that I feel would have beat most other verses this week, too bad you both met here. In the end though, I think the length played a huge part in the vote. There was simply much more in general to Pie compared to...Good shit though guys. Enjoyable reads, both of them

[Vulgar]

PancakeBrah, well, this was ambient, very "The Sun Also Rises" in texture but not in the sense that there wasn't anything going on but bar conversations and momentous flings. You handle your language pretty fluidly, glazing or browning or hardening the firmness during turns of phrase. I'm assuming this story is based on the girl in the picture we roasted... if so, what a tragic tale of a splendid damsel. May her head be held up high, christened with a thorn crown of grasshopper legs & Creatine coupons.

PiE, I was impressed by this, though I wasn't pleased with the font. Structurally and length-wise I didn't really mind it. Your use of multis had me glued to my seat and it's crazy that you didn't use the letter 'g' here. It's refreshing to see someone with a math formula fetish, both in board persona and topical verses, lol. I thought the concepts you presented were playful and set a scene. I also found it to be slightly muddled as a whole, like you were really pushing forward this idea of a very thorough illustration of a fictitious relationship with pi, only it lacked intimacy. A lot to ask, I know, but good work.

My vote goes to Mancake.

[Inno]

cake.

firs and for most I like the descriptive nature of this piece. man can I say off the bat I caught a glimpse of that girl in a bar in that black dress prowling for tricks...see that's the shit that gets me...if a writer can make see what he sees..put me there in thatr space you tried to create...and you did that without a hitch..great storytelling tbh...detailed and like I said before the descriptive way you wrote this in painted a perfect picture for me...I followed her in her journey...I was there lol....ill shit man.

PIE

so this was ill..i mean ill..your rhyming skills are above par I mean technically destroyed the topic bro...and that's not mentioning the fact that this is a very clever topic you created..most of the references I got..some of them flew over my hand tbh. the length and the pictures didn't bother me at all. so that wasn't a factor in my vote.

overall
I think ama go with cake on this one..i felt like his more direct approach appealed to me more than pies verse. i read cakes verse and i felt something, i saw something through his words..when i read pies piece i thought it was dope and i thought the covab was superb and all that...but i look for the more compelling story and i thought cake wrote something exactly like that...BOTW


cake.