Playoffs! Round 1: 6. timeless vs. 11. Adonis \\ Adonis wins 6-0

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/xQXiuie.gif

Round 1


The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=96884).

Check-ins are required by Wednesday, March 18, at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses are due Sunday, March 22, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Extensions of up to 24 hours are available upon request.

Votes are due Wednesday, March 25, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Each competitor must vote on three battles, with a penalty of one vote for every missed vote.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Topic


Once In a Lifetime


Good luck, timeless and Adonis.

[Adonis]

~Once in a Lifetime~




I never knew my father
even though he blessed me with...
A lively departure


She breathes in threes, repetitively
Pushing with love yet anger secretes
Tears of joy gleaming from cheek
This tale; a painful song of a fatherless treasure
Mom pushed to the brink for our bond to be severed.
What's wrong with smiling as Doc snips at our tether?

…

I taught myself how to shave
The pain of a path that is paved
Each stepping stone – A mountain to scathe
Each lesson learned until it's ingrained
An adolescent handing out migraines for free
A son to a goddess and one absentee...
Asshole for a father, which makes me a casualty
A simple product of loins
Similar genomes... Cosmetics deployed
Comparably grown. But while he's caustic and void
Overly obnoxious and coy. I'm pressure engraved
The hardest rock burned to the grain
Worthless but sane
Raised to perfection. A diamond incrusting a chain
He never showed love, let alone presence
The time of day ticked away...
Back lit by crescent
Life overshadowed by knowledge and lessons
Valedictorian; naturally gifted
Rose from the ranks, encapsuling mythic
intrinsic fashion worn masterfully rhythmic
Flowing tie highlighting a tailors eye
Suede touching snake skin as I'm rattling by
Corporate America being leached until dry
I prey on the weak
And rely on their lack of deceit
See,
I'm a good soul but gather and reap
Collecting the debts from the rich or the cheap
A company man, made with out remorse
A broken bloodline – A fathers recourse

...

Old and decrepit, rocking this seat
I sit in my mansion built by the bees
Hard earned cash suckled by the king of all kings
He was never there but he hovered...
The bones in my spine
Gave me hope and reprise
Taught me to cope with the yokels I guised
And...
Stole from with lies
I Smile in spite as now it's my time to die
I can't wait dad
I'm coming home tonight
A final sigh in your sight
You're cloaked with a scythe
But not in disguise
Open armed...Reaching...Love is an action I won
Finally...Don't let go of your son




.

[timeless]

Decode our notions.
Erode the ocean's coastline,
Hoping for a road to guide her back home.
Floating on her toes as her iris flashed chrome,
Bestowed her golden showtimes.
Trances rewrote the moments,
Coping with one rope in,
Hoping to find home.

Live on TV was War...towns left in smithereens from rockets.
Alls the people wanted more was simple peace, not problems.
Next story to air was about a missing teen from Compton.
Commercial break. Tired of scissoring in between the commons?

We regress,
Valor left behind, I killed The Man with no remorse or hesitation.
Defamation shows in bold on the court record's sworn statement.
The crime scene showed less than zero evidence displaying my guilt.
So when I testified under oath, a new life arrangement was built.
Among the walls of society are ladders made and built,
To hide shades of guilt into the cracks with clay and silt.
Watch our forests decay and wilt from a lack of oxygen,
Or as we sleep through the days relaxed, breathing toxins in.
Our comrades are metropolitan snakes with their tongues tied,
All stabbed in the back and slashed in the face before sunrise.
So let's lash out with violence to mask our problems, right?
Wrong. This life of ours is exciting, admirable and short-lived.
If we force this hand of ours, it'll surely end in an atomic fight.
The signs still stood but there was damage to the porcelain.

[Soulstice]

Adonis - this was dope man. One of my favorites from you so far. The story was concise but multiple characters were developed and motivated. Good storytelling. Your flow is occasionally on the meh side but here it was pretty tight, as well as your metaphors. Cosmetics deployed, tailors eye, some wording was nice. The built by bees was cool too.. as well as the ending. Enjoyed this.

TImeless - Is the first stanza someone hanging themselves? Standing on your toes with one rope in hoping to find home.. seems like a suicide death wish via noose to me.There were a lot of cool dimensions to each stanza, to me, the first was a young veteran hanging themselves, the next justaposed the public view (not opinion, just awareness) of war with other domestic matters (this could've been developed more- it didn't really hit me) and showed public apathy to the plight of the returning soldier. Finally, the third stanza was a topical touch outlining with some fluctuation between tight and oddly formed phrasing. Overall, it was a thought-provoking piece but could have been better architected and presented, if you follow me.

V - Adonis. His story progressed seamlessly while timeless's topical-story hybrid required some mental gymnastics to get from a to b to c. Good battle

[Zen]

Adonis: This was very cool. One thing I noticed is that I'd read one line and hate it, but then the next one would be great. "path that is paved"-I hated, then the "stepping stone" line followed it, and I dug it. The story was good, too. I grew up without a father so I can relate to allot of the shit in this. All in all, I dig it.

timeless: I really did not like the opening stanza mainly because I don't know what you're talking about especially since the next stanza (which was my favorite) has nothing to do with a "her" at all. The third stanza was awkward as I read it, too. It doesn't sound natural, to me at least. I'm not feeling this if I'm being honest.

V/Adonis

[NYCSPITZ]

Was feeling adonis' more than usual. Like the succinct, laconic effort particularly. Usually you rush verses more and leave more errors but this was real solid. Timeless I like yours but it vacillated more. Some good, some bad. The wording appeared slightly more contrived than adonis'

v/ adonis

[dead man]

I feel that Adonis simply out executed timeless this week with a series of images that any fatherless child could relate to. Taught myself how to shave was a really strong idea to bounce off and it outline the portrait of a successful but fundamentally broken man.

Timeless sort of felt like a nuclear fallout scene but there were spots that were a bit unclear. I liked your closing line and the different allusions to war, ie urban vs international. You had some good thoughts but never really fully realized them to their potential.

Giving Adonis my vote here.

Thanks guys

[CopyPat]

ahh, i think this is probably closer than the votes are showing but i'm following the crowd on this one. Adonis wrote a better verse about the topic head on. maybe timeless just did something that we all missed but even if that's the case then it was much too abstract.

I think you guys might have had the best topic besides the stay hungry one and honestly both kinda let me down, there was a LOT that coulda been done with this, even just from a storytelling standpoint you coulda pretty much done anything...

just enjoyed adonis's approach more but I DO think this was a fairly close battle really

V: Adonis

[UnbornBuddha]

Adonis: A heartfelt story brimming with emotional connotations which target the center of man striking chord with he whose relationship with their father is different, so to say. I enjoyed it, the mansion built by bees line made me crack up for some odd reason. It read smoothly and had a more of a linearity, in terms of thought process, in comparison to some other of your pieces. You toned down your language a bit, but you achieved an emotional appeal to the hurt and joy inside our fragile little hearts, lol.

Timeless: I'm trying to figure out who is this "her", is she the soldier on the frontline, perhaps? Anyhow, your verse basically consisted of 3 parts, the first I interpret as the perspective of the trooper wanting to return home, the second stanza entails the news report that depict the vile nature of the world, although the last line was strange. The last stanza I took as a return to the protagonist in the first stanza, and the witnessing of the repercussions that plague the battlefield, and its effect on us all. This was my favorite line of yours " Our comrades are metropolitan snakes with their tongues tied". Thought it was well worded and conveyed a provocative perspective, but a lot of it was a bit disjointed.

My vote goes to Adonis, for a more invigorating approach, an internal riling up of the emotional content that layeth dormant.

Thank you.