Perverse Purposes Are Dispersed In Verses

[Illume]

Deleted

[PancakeBrah]

Whoo boy. Ok.

There was some stuff in here that I really liked. Like, standalone thoughts and lines that are interestingly worded, and fresh. Almost everything discussed in this has been done before, but you had some unique wording here and there that kind of couched the thought you were trying to convey in a way that didn't feel tired. For example;

"when we're findin' new ways to invest in today's regrets."

"Nature, nurture. Energy, life. On the surface are
just given' words in a space that's void and wordless."

^I thought this was going to be horrible but the end of the second line redeemed it. Didn't go where I thought it was going.

"I declare no exterior purpose is found in verse,
Nor in pious life nor curse, nor in sky nor Earth.
No fuck that. We're alone in space. This face, these words.
Know, your curse is that I am your entire universe.
Vice-verse."

This was far and away the best section of the piece. It was so much more direct and didn't have the superfluous and banal 10 cent words that plagued the rest of this. 'No fuck that' was something this piece needed more of. A bit of defiance and direction as opposed to the kind of wandering pot-thought that made up the majority of this piece.

I get what you were saying in this. Kind of exploring the common idea that we are the universe experiencing itself. I just thought that you were trying a bit too hard, and some of the language was off and confusing. For instance;

"They say we are the universe, just excitedly."

Just excitedly has no place here. Mostly the 'just'.

"I'm stars that burned and died..... then arised as me."

This is redundant. It should be 'arised again' or something. You started with "I'm".

"But does it all matter? Is it directed election?"

I don't know what you mean by directed election.

"And there's no sentient envious God who's answering friendly."

Envious? Seems thrown in to add complexity to the rhyme scheme.

"So why do we bleed and hurt? Still kill and die and burn?
Still destroy what's learned? And try to ruin Earth?"

This was entirely too hippy and broad for me.

"I see a whole universe. Countless stuff and stars."

Stuff stands out like a sore thumb. You are really specific with SCIENCE WORDS and whatnot and then it's just like 'lol whatever stuff yaknow'.

"We're dust, see. Dust just tryina breathe."

Actually liked the last line.


So there was some good and bad. I'm generally not a fan of grand-scale, vast existential explanations in my text verses. I don't think I'll find the 'truth' here. It takes some really unique takes and deep thought to pull these off. You had some highlights but I don't think you pulled off what you were going for. Not a bad piece, glad to have read it.

Thanks for the read!

[Pharaohs Army]

I second Dancake's appraisal of what the best section was. ("I declare..."). The tone and also the flow.


I like the flow in this part here
Sentimental thought is lending sensation debt,
when we're findin' new ways to invest in today's regrets.
I confess. I feel impotent under the surface.
This universe is mirthless. It's never given us purpose.
Nature, nurture. Energy, life. On the surface are
just given' words in a space that's void and wordless.

This may sound like a small thing, but to me it's a big deal,Lol. I'm wanting to know why you chose to keep the word "are" up on that line, instead of bringing it down to the next line. If that's the way you want it read and if it works for you, that's fine. I just thought it was way cooler with the "are" on the next line.

[Mr. J]

This reminds me of how I used to write the flow of ideas being brought out
the questions and answers I looked for, the ability to be more intuitive..
I enjoy pieces like these because they are more out of the box
the first few lines were great openers but it wasn't until the middle you did you
Atleast my perception of you. there's no restriction for you here
and you weaved together a very deep piece and worded it to perfection
I feel a few lines seemed off but it didn't take away from this at all
nice work either way keep writing breh..