Championship: No. 5 NYCSPITZ vs. No. 2 dead man \\ dead man wins 7-3 [Archive]

View Full Version : Championship: No. 5 NYCSPITZ vs. No. 2 dead man \\ dead man wins 7-3

Certain

04-28-2015, 11:00 PM

AOWL Season 4
Championship

The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.org/showthread.php?t=96884).

Verses are due Monday, May 4, at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Votes are due Saturday, May 9, at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Topic

Lay to Rest

Good luck, dead man and NYCSPITZ.

dead man

05-06-2015, 12:26 AM

NYCSPITZ

05-06-2015, 03:28 PM

Ayo -

Shuriken spiral wildly outta control from the ninja’s confident fingers
as he evades spiked chains lasered from trees – something ominous lingers
knee n three fingers alight, the other arm’s raised ready to strike
When a fiery portal explodes into existence near the men that he fights!
Black and vermillion orb – where fear in millions of mortals’ll dwell
Ancient oaths whispered as shadows pass – it’s a portal to Hell
Flames swell and flicker and pop and burst in his eyes
as the deformed houndmen glare maliciously and circle and writhe
He flips, spinnin' twin scimitars while parrying knives -
flashing steel in a whirl, he drops his foes taking barely a scratch
An evil ***kle emanates from the demon who rules this region of sin
In echoing baritone – “enter my paradise and recapture your wife Beatrice quick”
“That fucking cocksucker…” -
he jumps toward the untold machinations burning with dread...
as the world bursts into flame! Spins six times then turns on its head
Road paved with white hot coals or eyeballs - one seldom could tell
A giant cerebus greets him politely: "abandon hope when entering here – welcome to Hell"
Robed lepers appear in tattered shrouds, and their purpose isn’t well
encircling a bottomless pit, with eyes bugged – they’re murmuring a spell
she appears – Beatrice naked, anxiously pouting beautiful lips
He runs forward enthused…and falls straight into the illusion’s abyss!
he drops for something like minutes…or maybe hours or days
Passes out – comes to outside a demon’s castle powerfully dazed
stepping onto plush velvet, he sees spiraling steps and ivory rails
When a centaur appears – dressed as a butler, flicking the shiniest tail
He extends a silver plate with bone bracelets: "your wrist sir, so you can forge them together
Otherwise my master will be forced to rape Beatrice, and gorge her forever"
The ninja leaps in the air spinnin' nunchucks, about to behead him for battle’s sake
when the centaur points his tail - and starts ejecting huge, venomous rattlesnakes!!
The lizards shoot with mach speed, searing and burning his flesh
Deflecting most, he reaches his foe quick and leaves him hurt with a left
Chandeliers crash – the snakes morph together, human sized with arms and wraithlike wings
Dodging poisoned tongue strikes, our hero combos back with feint-knife-kick
Who else has a gait like this!? He fakes hits, somersaults and strikes with force…
then shreds them with gumption, plus a flash of lightning torque!!
the ninja limps forward, savaged with weapons and bludgeoned by blows
When the centaur’s body melts! Into some stairs, into a dungeon below...
Hearing sinister tongues, he passes ***kling skulls, eye sockets watchin' him stroll
descends into a luxurious chamber - where he’s gonna meet debauchery’s clone
Impeccably dressed, next to Beatrice as she mumbles and moans
stands a suave and debonaire demon: “please…welcome to my humble abode”
sensing sheer evil, our crafty ninja’s eyes widen in fear -
Beatrice tied to a post, dressed in tattered gown and writhing in tears
she finds his gaze and stares back, eyes empty and scarred now
the demon cordially smiles...then uses a trident and painfully gouges her heart out!!!
Our hero seethes and drools and shrieks and stomps in a rage
his host speaks: "you did well to reach me here, now calm the display
...just lay with your wife’s corpse and look into this mirror of change"
staring at the mirror's milky luster, he hasn't seen himself clearer in days
seated beside Beatrice as skin greys and horns sprout, disappearing his ways
Lay that hero role to rest - Jungian phase gone, his purpose is real
Head clearer than ever...ready to torture, rape, murder and kill

.

Vulgar

05-07-2015, 10:51 AM

dead man - I interpreted this as a young man coping with premonitions of death, sneaking up on him like tendrils of sleep. To remind himself that he's alive, he consumes tasty food and blames his fear of death and the unknown on insomniac tendencies. The main character may have a certain way he feels about sleep paralysis, comparing it to the clutch of the netherworld, causing him to reminisce about his grandfather, maybe even getting paid a visit from him while his eyes are closed. As with someone who is panicking or having a hard time coping with reality, this character succumbs to the pressure of is involvement with surreal circumstances, his inner dialogue with the reader displaying his reluctance to pass over to the next world. Since you mentioned needles early in the verse, this could be an allusion to the effects of a heroin overdose that takes a user's life. The use of the word 'fade' was important for the verse because it helped fortify the image of a ghostly presence, a human slowly eroding into a fraction of a spirit, an apt apparition of who he once was. It rhymed well, a versatile showing of schemes which worked.

NYCSPITZ - The idea itself was dope. The peculiar way that the devilish overlord recruits new demons, beckoning the world's finest in combat to the heart of his dark realm, testing their skill, and then executing their damsels like clockwork. An unconventional way of signing your soul to the devil, by consigning yourself to such absolute hatred that it permeates the laws of the universe, heaven and hell, and you find yourself being manipulated into eternal servitude for evil purposes. Writing wise, I've seen much better from you. I think you write action scenes much faster than you write your typical storytelling verses, which are more thought out and thorough, in my opinion. There were moments where you repeated words a lot, for example, the word 'writhe' appeared multiple times in this verse, to a point where I mentally noted its repetitious usage. The concept was cool, it was a pretty entertaining movie unfolding, but the writing wasn't as sharp as per usual.

My vote goes to dead man.

I found his text more interesting and he opened up my mind's portal more than NYC's.

Good battle bruh's

Mr. J

05-07-2015, 05:39 PM

deadman, As I started out your verse I was very drawn in. the way you flow from line to line is incredible to say the least, I enjoy reading your verses when you are rooted into the topic, it always seems to bring out the best in you, it's been awhile since I've seen a new 'dead' verse but you never disappoint when you are on a roll..with lines like

straining for an image to recapture the frames

anyone can see you are here to win..

NYC, You are hit & miss, and this was somewhere in between that vibe that you give. I wanted to like how you started the verse but I read it three times and I didn't feel like that was the best way to start this. regardless as we progress through your verse after the middle you start to let loose and then you really start to shine, after the 5th or 6th line I felt like I knew what kind of piece this would be, making me feel like you were taking a safer route with the verse, it's great, it just didn't have the same edge as dead..

v/deadman, his verse came off with a stronger finish, the verse was well crafted and rounded out really well, NYC could have came stronger with his verse but I feel like he took the safe route compared to the normal level that he normally competes at..this was a nice battle regardless. I enjoyed both pieces.

big baby

05-09-2015, 07:04 PM

I'll say this once only. deadman is a man among mainly boys (aside from a few that I won't mention to boost their remedial egos) He showed it here, with not even one of his best works, but just a strung out piece, advocating all sorts of emotions and themes. His rhymes, while mainly praised (for the smoothness and brevity of read) was showcased here with a few buffer attempts along the way. I admit when I first read this - I didnt' really think you had many tools, but on a second read a few days later I realized it was better than I first thought it was. Second time around, reading NYC's verse I realized how ordinary it was, also extremely, insanely corny. Can you create a scope out of anything besides ninja samuraias? or is that the only median in which you can create scenery that entails whatever the topical is? I have to say, for someone who thinks so highly of themselves (clearly a show, because we both know you got shut out here, and aren't half as good as you think you are) although a valiant attempt by you. Did you not think for a second, "Hey, maybe my samurai niche is getting a little tired out of cliche" You didn't think for one second to fight fire with fire, with what deadman usually/always comes with? You didn't think you could outduel deadman, so you carried out this long ok storyline, decently written ninja pop art in a championship match? Idk. It seemed tired and repetitive for me. Ninja star, stars, feelings, death. Wow, what a difference from everything else you write! On the contrary, you could say that deadman writes a lot of the same stuff, but atleast he fleshes out a type of writing that can be formatted differently each time. You have ninja stars every time and the same ending with a feeling of appraisal through shuriken throwing. This was very tired and contrived. Maybe you'll do better next time and write a decent piece that isnt about samurais, for once.

vote/ DEADMAN

by a long fucka shot.

thanks.

PancakeBrah

05-10-2015, 04:40 PM

dead person-

To me, the narrator (which may or may not be you) isn't exactly having deathly premonitions. At least not overtly. It's about interpreting reality, restlessness. Like, an existential vertigo with a dash of bipolarity, highlighted by insomniac and narcoleptic being used to describe our narrator in consecutive lines. I don't think the narrator necessarily fears he's dying soon, more of a subtle annoying type of chinese water torture. He's restless and doesn't know why so it's manifesting itself in these macabre thoughts and possible fugue state self injuries, etc etc. Like, someone who might be classified as mentally unhinged but so insularly that he'd seem perfectly normal to someone else. Read like the summary of a diary of a reasonable person trying to explain to himself what's going on, to better see it on paper. And the final line punches the piece up, where the obvious dichotomy of our narrator and (I'm assuming) his lover's current mental states hint at a bunch of subtle ideas and commentaries on that relationship which hadn't been mentioned at all to this point. I really dug the last line for that reason, it added another layer of context to the well described madness. As for the technical execution, it was up to the usual deadman level of expertise. Your wording is your ace; every line is well worded, and there's very little to no fat to be cut. This is why you can use single syllable rhyme schemes at times and still be lauded for you rhyming; it's kind of like hearing the rhyme for the first time because the non-rhyming verbiage is so unique. As for negatives, there aren't many. I thought the "without a doubt. seriously. maybe" couplet was too choppy and maybe could've been implemented better, although I do see it as an important line to drive home the point of your verse. Some thing with the string of 'nothing' phrases. I thought the Lenore allusion was well done and capped a nice rhyme introduction. Also, I could be completely wrong about the whole interpretation. Could be about vampires. Fuck if I know. Thanks for the read.

Nyc spits-

If you look at this verse as a kind of comic-in-text, it works better. To me, at least. All of the exclamation points and bizarre imagery and devils and demons and portals and orbs and rattlesnakes stop me from reading into this deeply. Which isn't the point, I suppose. It's an action piece with a sort-of-there message, maybe? More of a fun piece to read and write. Not so much with heavy "Wot is lif3??". I enjoyed reading this, even if the exclamation points got a bit outrageous at points. Almost undercutting how seriously you took this, but I'm sure you did take it seriously. The imagery was fun. I think you've written better, though. Some of your rhymes were forced and were in general not as creative as your usual. Sometimes things like that have to be sacrificed for an out-and-out narrative, though. Overall, not your best work but still worthy of the match. Thanks for the read.

I think dead man won. I kind of get what NYC was going for. On a pure technical level, deadman out wrote NYC, which was probably expected coming into this battle. They both took wildly different approaches to the topic while avoiding the obvious, screaming cliche type of verses this topic could produce. I could see some people complaining about another ninja/samurai verse from NYC but that wasn't too big of a deal to me, really. A verse is a verse is a verse, and each should be reviewed in a vacuum, especially in a super important forever match like this one. My personal preferences override, though, and I liked deadman's more srs approach to NYC's entertaining try. So I have deadman winning on writing and approach, NYC winning on exclamation points. 2-1. Both should be proud of making it this far, and creating an interesting match for the readers. A worthy cap to the season. Thanks fellas.

v/dm

Split Eight

05-10-2015, 08:01 PM

fade out

and here i am. back to my senses
stovetop benedict and ashes for breakfast
marble credenza, hardwood under carpeted floors
office fluorescent. carving copies til the carbon absorbs
>cool visual.
i feel like i was here all night. honest, i swore
to god i woke up bedside at 11:04
to phone alarms and rapping knuckles pounding the door
calling as the raven did, so quoteth Lenore
opened it to emptiness save plaster and mortar
>quickly gets into a narrative
mattresses, apartment building :: caskets and morgue
death has other cousins in a relative form
blinked twice. shook it off. man, this fucking disorder
has me paralyzed. sterilized like needle exchanges
sleep in chains. awaken free of them with ice in my veins
bruises on my collarbone. mysterious pains
recollecting memories like thoughts from a grave
let me stay. perhaps nowadays i'll sleep for a change
wait. that's not right. it's almost sure i've been fading
in and out. without a doubt. seriously. maybe
who knows. leave me alone. i've got nothing to say
nothing to offer. nothing critical and nothing of praise
i'm stuck. recluse afraid of darkness casting a shade
shoulder blade a demon haven. drag me away
woke up bloody yesterday and couldn't explain
why i felt this way. searched for scratches or scrapes
made myself a plate of maple ham and potatoes
sat and concentrated so it wouldn't escape
straining for an image to recapture the frames
like swinging nets at butterflies blindfolded. it fades
gray matter destined for preemptive decay, let me rewind
otherwise it's just a matter of time. my clock is faceless
grandfather towers over with a bend in his spine
crushing us like table grapes when pressure's applied
"NODONTDIE" smeared in soap scum in the mirror beside
a set of vertical lines. tally marks in perfect alignment
stickmen on their sides, unrecognizable signs
collapsed and cried. bit my cheeks into a fleshy disgrace
to stop myself from falling asleep. or staying awake?
one of the 2. i wonder what i wanted to do
before insomnia blues. a carton of reds, a carton of blues
narcotic narcoleptic gnarled like harvested roots
remind me why i'm talking to you? here's the truth
i'm gentle, calculated, anxious, thoughtful, concise
jolting into consciousness caressing a knife
that's all i know. i'm sorry. i've been fading, you said
cliffhanging off the voice in my head
knuckles on my door. open, close, rinse, repent
fade in
and here i am. next to you, while you rest
>I loved this entire build-up and ending minus the final line.

deadman

Ayo -

Shuriken spiral wildly outta control from the ninja’s confident fingers
as he evades spiked chains lasered from trees – something ominous lingers
knee n three fingers alight, the other arm’s raised ready to strike
When a fiery portal explodes into existence near the men that he fights!
Black and vermillion orb – where fear in millions of mortals’ll dwell
Ancient oaths whispered as shadows pass – it’s a portal to Hell
Flames swell and flicker and pop and burst in his eyes
as the deformed houndmen glare maliciously and circle and writhe
He flips, spinnin' twin scimitars while parrying knives -
flashing steel in a whirl, he drops his foes taking barely a scratch
An evil ***kle emanates from the demon who rules this region of sin
In echoing baritone – “enter my paradise and recapture your wife Beatrice quick”
“That fucking cocksucker…” -
he jumps toward the untold machinations burning with dread...
as the world bursts into flame! Spins six times then turns on its head
Road paved with white hot coals or eyeballs - one seldom could tell
A giant cerebus greets him politely: "abandon hope when entering here – welcome to Hell"
Robed lepers appear in tattered shrouds, and their purpose isn’t well
encircling a bottomless pit, with eyes bugged – they’re murmuring a spell
she appears – Beatrice naked, anxiously pouting beautiful lips
He runs forward enthused…and falls straight into the illusion’s abyss!
he drops for something like minutes…or maybe hours or days
Passes out – comes to outside a demon’s castle powerfully dazed
stepping onto plush velvet, he sees spiraling steps and ivory rails
When a centaur appears – dressed as a butler, flicking the shiniest tail
He extends a silver plate with bone bracelets: "your wrist sir, so you can forge them together
Otherwise my master will be forced to rape Beatrice, and gorge her forever"
The ninja leaps in the air spinnin' nunchucks, about to behead him for battle’s sake
when the centaur points his tail - and starts ejecting huge, venomous rattlesnakes!!
The lizards shoot with mach speed, searing and burning his flesh
Deflecting most, he reaches his foe quick and leaves him hurt with a left
Chandeliers crash – the snakes morph together, human sized with arms and wraithlike wings
Dodging poisoned tongue strikes, our hero combos back with feint-knife-kick
Who else has a gait like this!? He fakes hits, somersaults and strikes with force…
then shreds them with gumption, plus a flash of lightning torque!!
the ninja limps forward, savaged with weapons and bludgeoned by blows
When the centaur’s body melts! Into some stairs, into a dungeon below...
Hearing sinister tongues, he passes ***kling skulls, eye sockets watchin' him stroll
descends into a luxurious chamber - where he’s gonna meet debauchery’s clone
Impeccably dressed, next to Beatrice as she mumbles and moans
stands a suave and debonaire demon: “please…welcome to my humble abode”
sensing sheer evil, our crafty ninja’s eyes widen in fear -
Beatrice tied to a post, dressed in tattered gown and writhing in tears
she finds his gaze and stares back, eyes empty and scarred now
the demon cordially smiles...then uses a trident and painfully gouges her heart out!!!
Our hero seethes and drools and shrieks and stomps in a rage
his host speaks: "you did well to reach me here, now calm the display
...just lay with your wife’s corpse and look into this mirror of change"
staring at the mirror's milky luster, he hasn't seen himself clearer in days
seated beside Beatrice as skin greys and horns sprout, disappearing his ways
Lay that hero role to rest - Jungian phase gone, his purpose is real
Head clearer than ever...ready to torture, rape, murder and kill

.

Okay battle. I thought NYCSPITZ played around with his story more, it was very stylized and action-oriented with plenty of self-deprecation. It was like a Samurai Jack/ Crimson Chin mashup. I thought the end was incongruous with regards to the beginning. Enjoyed the descriptive aspects, something I always struggle with in my writing.

Dead Man. This had a much more serious tone. Lots of effort put towards intertwining the characters of time & death with a very visceral/ visual approach, especially enjoyed that line about the tallies/ stick men. Captured feelings of fear and mortality.

Thought the direction of both verses were very typical of their others, dead man's verse seemed a little more fresh to me. I think the running joke that NYC rehashes samurai ninja stories got a little too real. Tried not to take into account the histories/ collected works of either writer in the verse, & I definitely (definitely) had dead man.

The deciding factor was his repeated references towards and reevaluations of the provided topic. They felt natural, and seemed to dictate the progression of the piece. I felt that NYCSPITZ connected with the topic only tangentially, and did so cheaply in a way that would let him write the verse he would have written anyways. While it is true that Dead Man encompassed the topic in such a way that benefited his preferred themas & topics, it still felt like it was derived from the topic in some way. That is a key advantage that basically won him the match point blank.

kind of a cheap way to call a season championship match, but the feeling is unshakeable.

V/ dead man

Certain

05-10-2015, 09:48 PM

NYCSPITZ: I don’t know how I wanted you to end this, but the ending was the issue here. It was such a fun, absurdist ride along the way. You told the action very well, and it read quickly yet vividly. You’ve improved and tightened your storytelling over the last year or so, or at least, you know when you need to show your best. You also rhymed well and cut back on adverbs and overly flowery description in favor of pure action. There was nothing ponderousness here, which I really appreciated. My problem was that the ending wasn’t developed and foreshadowed enough. He fought all the way there only to become a possessed assassin, if I’m understanding correctly, which is a pretty devastating conclusion, but it wasn’t told with much emotional resonance. I think that’s something you still need to work on. You don’t always connect well to the reader, and you never made me really appreciate or even understand much less empathize with this protagonist. Instead, you had me really enjoying his journey. It was an action movie with an unearned dramatic finish. But it was a very good action movie up until then.

dead man: I don’t think this was your finest effort, not quite up to par with the rest of the full verses you dropped this season. But I think what you did best here was embody the topic in a very head-on form. My interpretation was a corpse pondering whether to reanimate or a lover who refuses to leave his woman’s side even after she dies, though you were indirect enough to leave a lot up to the reader. What I wished was that there had been more specificity and detail. The read was fluid, and there were a few great sections (such as the tally marks and the mattresses line). But it never grabbed me, not in the way I expect from a dead man verse or in the way NYCSPITZ grabbed me. I’ve read this verse about seven times, trying to decipher the exact intended meaning, but there’s at least one contradictory line for any interpretation. All of this is to say that this verse felt a bit half-baked and under-inspired. It was like the opposite of your Winter Topical championship verse, where you went all the way in on your topic and had people surprised by the specificity of your verse. Here, you went vague and probably played it safe, in all honesty. But I enjoyed NYCSPITZ’s verse more, and even the problems with his ending weren’t enough for me to vote for your verse.

Vote: NYCSPITZ

UnbornBuddha

05-11-2015, 09:54 PM

Deadman: The strategy you utilized here is one of revert. If we were to look at it from a military standpoint, perhaps from the eyes of Sun Tzu, you reverted or more exactly retreated, back into the more paradigmatic dead man. A dead man, which represents a fusion of ideas and abstractions meshed into a collage of sorts, so as to represent a greater whole of a concept through pixels. At times. some of the pixels are jumbled, so although the picture is conveyed, it is conveyed in a manner that was coerced into existence in a state of disarray, and maelstrom. Albeit, there was refinement, as made clear by the choice to be less restricted by rules and regulations of modern rap, such as multi's, and advanced rhymes schemes, for the choice of more vivid, less bound, and a more impassioned drama that is streamed into the reader's mind drop by drop. Although, I find the drops at times to be more acidic, and scalding due to the type of emotion being conveyed. A type of volatile emotion that is noticeably present in the voice that subconsciously is narrated, and pierces through each of your works. This is inevitable of course and you are adept at trying to remain enigmatic and invisible, as exemplified by your abstract lines that don't all go together sequentially, or linearly, but do in a more spectral way, in a more conglomerated way. Yet, sometimes this beatific force shines, and it is truly quite a magnificent thing to see unfold. I agree with some of the other commentators, I don't believe this is your best work, not even close. I've read open mics of yours, that are far more provoking, in terms of presence, and of your apotheosis, and of course gnosis.

NYCSPITZ: Your level of detailing is quite good, I always enjoy that part of your work. It shows you are a man of language, one who appreciates knowledge learned through mental exercises, exercises that work the brain's ability to absorb, and to learn more. Your writing shows a different man than dead man. Your writing, while more elegant and flowery, does not have the experience and richness that his does. You write what you will yourself to learn, and enjoy, but have not found who you are through writing. Your voice does not come through like Deadman's, your realizations, your biases, opinions, standards, fail to effuse out into the exterior, instead they sometimes just ruminate in the interior, without exposing the reader into the heart of the matter. Also, the content although enjoyable, I have read this story and caption from you already, although augmented, it definitely was a huge minus. Although, Deadman writes from a similar vein, he utilizes different portals of circulation, you, on the other hand, used the same vein to inject onto the reader your literary works. So indeed, what you brought to the match was a cliche, something that was expected out of yours, and others even jokingly stated you would. And then, knowing this joke, you went and did it. Although, the premise of this approach is quite humorous, I find it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste that is displeasing, particularly in the realm of creativity. Because while, it is creative due to its fantastical nature, it is still a realm of thought you have traversed us through in the past and has become a bit stale. Nonetheless, it was still a vivid experience, and you seem to be honing how to tell the adventure better and better, perhaps you'll reach the level of skill of an elder oracle, who expounds the same myths each and every night around the campfire, but each time it is spoken in different words, and almost feels different, offering new insights, the most memorable being those that portray and offer guiding words of wisdom.

Vote: dead man

Regardless, thank you both for the championship match, a memorable bout with two well-deserved contenders.

oats

05-12-2015, 06:48 AM

Black:

this verse was smooth on the outside, rough ion the inside. What I mean is, it took a while for me to feel like I cracked the shell of it and caught a glimpse of any real meaning to it, though the writing was smooth and well-crafted as ever. What I garnered from it was a heroin addict who is basically accepting the fact that one day, and one day soon, he's gonna overdose, and he's en route to resigning to that reality. Hard to tell, though, and I'd be interested to hear your comments on this verse. At any rate, there were some really great individual lines (not the ham and potatoes one, however), particularly the stop myself from sleeping or staying awake - that hits close to home for me. I have a bigger gripe with this than I usually do with your verses; it's just too vaguely unaccessible. Even if it is what I think it is, there are too many unanswered questions - is there someone else with him? Is he having out-of-body experiences? I just don't quite get "it." Though you tend to stray from having a concrete, singular meaning in your verses (at least, as far as I can tell), in this case there was too much room for interpretation, and the shining moments were dulled a bit by the overall haze I experienced.

NYC:
Such a completely different way of writing than your opponent, which is smart; nobody is gonna out-Black Black in that style. Your straightforward narrative isn't as straightforward as it seems, how I took it. The whole descent into personal hell and battling demons and centaurs etc was a mental preparation to be a stone-cold killer in the real world, laying to rest his role as a hero and good guy to become a villain, which appears to be a more natural fit now that his wife is dead. It was dope. The actual writing was shaky to me, though. A lot of "...and then THIS!!! and then THAT!!!" kinda stuff, as well as superfluous adverbs: "painfully gauged his heart out," etc. Other than that, the ending felt a bit abrupt as well. I get why - too much foreshadowing of what these battles really were and it ruins the plot twist. But at the same time, I can see a lot of people reading over the Jungian phase hint, which is crucial to understanding the transformation into his own devilry. Overall, the story was dope, but the writing felt a bit shallow.

Vote: This is such a contrast that it's hard for me to arrive at an easy decision. to put this as a simple dichotomy, Black outwrote NYC by a wide margin, whereas NYC's verse was a much more engrossing story. I like tough verses that are open to multiple interpretations, but Black's confused me in a negative way. Then again, NYC's verse was hindered by his word choice and general phrasing. A head-scratch vs. an eye-roll. If this were a free topic, or a battle of OM's, I would edge it to Black since I ultimately liked his verse a bit more, but given the nature that this is topic-driven, and I readily grasped NYC's take on the topic, I feel compelled to vote for NYC. Hard to call it, and overall both came dope in a way that is worthy of a season champ match. Awesome match to both gentlemen.

Certain

05-12-2015, 06:03 PM

NYCSPITZ and dead man, I'm closing this Tuesday afternoon, when voting will have been open for a full week.

Adonis

05-12-2015, 08:16 PM

Black - Opening lines.... Smoking a cig with breakfast? you have a problem son. Very visually driven though with not so discrete explanations of characters surroundings, I.e flooring, Lighting etc. Lenore/Mortar/Morgue transiting was fumbling at best. Also have never been a fan for the staccoto flow, the single sentence broken and spread across a bar. Personally disrupts the inner flow I work out as I'm used to reading 'rap' form lyrics. I notice you weave in and out of perspective, both inner and simple change of context as well. I mean you talk from first person and quickly transition to a conversation similar to a mirror talk, you then would switch to straight poetry in a literal sense; how you upgrade "I wake up excited" into "jolting into consciousness caressing a knife".

My take is this, the suicide was somewhat evident and bit telegraphed. But the real highlight here is you described enough details through imagery and peer into the soul that I clearly saw the connection with this characters inner-self. What I mean is he had a strong bond with himself and didn't mind, in fact preferred to be alone with his best buddy. I would have also accepted 'SOULMAN' as the closer for this week as opposed to your usual closing signature (at least get a nice font you lazy prick). All in all this was a decent verse that shined in multiple areas while being clear enough of a read that my dumbass can figure out, however in the end it still left me wanting more. Given the length I feel actual meat, real chewable meat was a bit thin. Did enjoy the read though Blk

NY - I think I counted three "leaps in excitement" or alike. I did enjoy the actual story telling, i did not however like the story all that much. Ironic too because the similar "Where Dreams May Come" is one of my favorite movies all time. I just never liked the fantasy the story was built around. That stuff never keeps my focus, it is hard imagining fantastical creatures that don't exist now. I don't like the genre as a whole I guess. The battle scenes and overall torture vibe and visuals were a decent effect, but again, for me personally the story was already hurt a while back when the non natural started to rule the topical.

V/ Deadman

Its mostly a preference vote as I enjoyed blacks choice topic over the fantastical adventure of NYC. Both writer clearly have the mechanics, and there were things I didn't like about either, however the verses are both written at a high standard, but I chose to focus primarily on the things I did not like as far as my voting goes. Cheers boys. Congrats to whomever is winning and shit

Soulstice

05-13-2015, 12:50 PM

deadman - I think the character was afflicted with some sort of vision of a dying friend or relative. Writing a character sketch like this to capture a unique emotion requires anecdotal description (see all the verses about women in the OM section), which you usually hit on. Here it seemed like a lot of cookie-cutter deadman-isms. It made it seem less-human and more melodrama than connecting to the reader with a sincere emotion that an audience can relate to.

NYC - I liked this. The character development was motivated but not fully. So his wife dies and turns evil - believable, but relies on further assumptions from the audience. I liked the imagery, it was top-notch, with some fantastical description adding to the atmosphere (falling for days, etc).

Vote - nyc

I think his rhyming was better and his characters were fleshed out better. It kind of even connected better with the reader in a metaphorical type of way.

sorry for the kind of lame vote, just focusing on the explanation rather than indepth critque