Unfukwitable 0-1 vs Wanderer 0-1 - WANDERER WINS BY NOSHOW

[Sharp]

Netcees Battle League Season VIII


Rules

Due Dates:

Verses are due Thursday, May 7th 2014 11:59 PM PST. and will be open until the following Sunday
Battles that lack votes may close later.
One sided battles may get closed early.
Extensions are 24 hours



Line Limit:

Minimum of 10, maximum of 16
If not agreed upon, second drop must match length of the first


For additional Rules refer to rule thread


First to 5, win by at least two votes
Good luck!
Unfukwitable Wanderer

[Wanderer]

Check, 12

[Unfukwitable]

check, copy.

[Wanderer]

Fuck this Lightweight Faggot, you goin home early again just standard
I've Wasted you with this first Bar - you always stumble out of em hammered
Claim to be dope but you a liar, got the chokehold on you so the truth transpire
It's no wonder all your bars so wack.. You need oxygen to make fire
Small Fish, got bars of lame gun talk, the ice beneath you startin to look thin
I'm sure your whole crew surrounded by metal - nobody ever told you that's a sardine tin
I'm after the win, you bite all your writtens faggot, an still they ain't good enough to archive a stash
Don't get me wrong you often Outstandin - by garbage cans tryna recycle trash
Don't consider the bars of a waster, this dude think corny lines are the best
I know you think your Cheese Greater - I just wanna see that many holes in ya chest
Are you depressed? deluded thinking you'd impress or that ya chances in a higher position
You so fuckin Shocked how I've made Light Work of you, they gonna be calling me Electrician

[Sharp]

Fuck this Lightweight Faggot, you goin home early again just standard
I've Wasted you with this first Bar - you always stumble out of em hammered
The bar flip is played to death. I appreciate the extra effort by including wasted but when people see it enough they start to expect it before the punchline =, which mkaes it less effective
Claim to be dope but you a liar, got the chokehold on you so the truth transpire
It's no wonder all your bars so wack.. You need oxygen to make fire
Love the wording here. ok flip, good bar
Small Fish, got bars of lame gun talk, the ice beneath you startin to look thin
I'm sure your whole crew surrounded by metal - nobody ever told you that's a sardine tin
tbh I like this bar a lot
I'm after the win, you bite all your writtens faggot, an still they ain't good enough to archive a stash
Don't get me wrong you often Outstandin - by garbage cans tryna recycle trash
havent seen ti before but ok. wasn't a huge hit but didn't miss
Don't consider the bars of a waster, this dude think corny lines are the best
I know you think your Cheese Greater - I just wanna see that many holes in ya chest
this one's a bit of a stretch with the wp.
Are you depressed? deluded thinking you'd impress or that ya chances in a higher position
You so fuckin Shocked how I've made Light Work of you, they gonna be calling me Electrician
I'm pretty sure this is in the same vein as the bar flip in your opener. extra effort makes it hit more but at this point we have seen this sort of thing enough


sorry Unfukwitable noshowed you

Dug your wording though. Just stay away from played shit (I know thats a pain to hear cause I started about two years ago and spent the first one just hearing 'cool just dont do played flips'). solid drop though

[jilti]

Fuck this Lightweight Faggot, you goin home early again just standard
I've Wasted you with this first Bar - you always stumble out of em hammered
like it
Claim to be dope but you a liar, got the chokehold on you so the truth transpire
It's no wonder all your bars so wack.. You need oxygen to make fire
no
Small Fish, got bars of lame gun talk, the ice beneath you startin to look thin
I'm sure your whole crew surrounded by metal - nobody ever told you that's a sardine tin
no
I'm after the win, you bite all your writtens faggot, an still they ain't good enough to archive a stash
Don't get me wrong you often Outstandin - by garbage cans tryna recycle trash
like it
Don't consider the bars of a waster, this dude think corny lines are the best
I know you think your Cheese Greater - I just wanna see that many holes in ya chest
Charron used a cheese grater line against shotgun suge so wasn't a fresh concept to me
Are you depressed? deluded thinking you'd impress or that ya chances in a higher position
You so fuckin Shocked how I've made Light Work of you, they gonna be calling me Electrician
was going good but the electrician ending halted the lines momentum


overall ok piece

[Sn00p]

Fuck this Lightweight Faggot, you goin home early again just standard
I've Wasted you with this first Bar - you always stumble out of em hammered
^bar wp had been done to death. u have to get RLY creative w/ these kinda lines for them to have any impact
Claim to be dope but you a liar, got the chokehold on you so the truth transpire
It's no wonder all your bars so wack.. You need oxygen to make fire
^the choke/no air/no fire concept was aight. but the execution needed to be better. the choke part shuda been in the pun chline instead'a the 'no wonder ur bars whack' part imo. make ur punchline more focused on the concept
Small Fish, got bars of lame gun talk, the ice beneath you startin to look thin
I'm sure your whole crew surrounded by metal - nobody ever told you that's a sardine tin
^this concept was cool. execution lacking again tho. sth like "u swear ur crew always has metal around, but..." & then maybe even tie in an additional fish wp? idk, those flips aren't that good either, but they're just starting points. like ur concept shud be ur starting point and then u go from there and develop the idea until u arrive at sth good. but the metal/sardine tin connection is not strong enough for it to be a good bar
I'm after the win, you bite all your writtens faggot, an still they ain't good enough to archive a stash
Don't get me wrong you often Outstandin - by garbage cans tryna recycle trash
^this wordplay is prtty old. try & stay away from obvious flips like these
Don't consider the bars of a waster, this dude think corny lines are the best
I know you think your Cheese Greater - I just wanna see that many holes in ya chest
^this wasn't bad. i woulda flipped it sth like this: "i know u think ur cheese greater - i think so too, considering the holes all over u" or sth. but yea, w/ a slightly better wording, this woulda been a good line
Are you depressed? deluded thinking you'd impress or that ya chances in a higher position
You so fuckin Shocked how I've made Light Work of you, they gonna be calling me Electrician
^concept was cool again. connection pretty good this time. but the wording wasn't harsh enough. like others said, 'they gonna call me electrician' just doesnt make for a harsh punchline

overall, u got good enough ideas. just try to develop them more and flip them better. read other battles to get an idea how other battlers turn concepts into hard-hitting bars. if u can improve ur wording, u'll be elevating fast.

[Cashius]

Fuck this Lightweight Faggot, you goin home early again just standard
I've Wasted you with this first Bar - you always stumble out of em hammered

Very very played concept.

Claim to be dope but you a liar, got the chokehold on you so the truth transpire
It's no wonder all your bars so wack.. You need oxygen to make fire

Eh. I see what you're trying to do. Just not a lot of impact.

Small Fish, got bars of lame gun talk, the ice beneath you startin to look thin
I'm sure your whole crew surrounded by metal - nobody ever told you that's a sardine tin

Again...I see the concept...there's just not much connection. Saying he's in a sardines can just doesn't have a whole lot of impact. I'd rather see something like "the only metal you're around is....."

I'm after the win, you bite all your writtens faggot, an still they ain't good enough to archive a stash
Don't get me wrong you often Outstandin - by garbage cans tryna recycle trash

Very played again.

Don't consider the bars of a waster, this dude think corny lines are the best
I know you think your Cheese Greater - I just wanna see that many holes in ya chest

I think the cheese greater is prolly played. And I'd rather see the punch being about his money if you're using the "cheese" concept.

Are you depressed? deluded thinking you'd impress or that ya chances in a higher position
You so fuckin Shocked how I've made Light Work of you, they gonna be calling me Electrician

Again...very played.