Regression

[Soulstice]

The pen turns to rubble in a struggle with misery
repeating mistakes across a reductionist history
A sense of nothing is limiting - constrained when defined
By the placement of rhymes..... shaping my lines
Night feels saintly, divine. And when the vigor is felt
I take up the suicide mission meant to figure me out
Soon a bit of liquor compels to turn to the diffident shells
In my peripheral.. & play Mr. Infinite Svelte
Glasses clink, we're laughing quick to depart from sobriety
Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society
As apartheids garnering apathy - we sip Singapore Slang
She giggles between kittenish whispers..
But I couldn't think of her name, due to the residual rot
from this saturnalia swelling and beginning to pop
And from there where do we go?
Back to the stack of coffins by D Street. Pardon the honesty
But my morning commute consists of garlic and coffee beans
And my nights more of the same.. a haunting endlessness
Monitored by my daunted penmanship - all of it. senselessness
A waste of my time, another grave shift while raving at night
Another matrix of lights, superficial serenade of the mind
And another piece of prose to note my corporeal decline
All while I wait to see you in the corner of my eye

[big baby]

written well, but written ...not dynamically. Portions of your writing make way for the following couplet to flourish through design. Sometimes, I'd make my own writing of your version in my head, and I wished you took these routes. What, I mean by this, is not that your writing isn't written well now, but...that I felt you could have really CAPTURED something undeniably difficult to capture, rather than to speak almost tilted towards the topic. It was more of a story, rather than a moment in time captured explicitly. That's ok though, because it was very good either way. Just wish, that you proactively denied any subtle inconvenient thought caused by vague wording. Wish you nailed it on the head and connected decidely with the reader instead of enamoring me with a few lines then letting go, a few lines later. But, I get the context of it all.

lines like "glasses clink" are just this beautiful scenery type places that just excavate a deeper meaning.

Good, man.

[Split Eight]

Night feels saintly, divine. And when the vigor is felt
I take up the suicide mission meant to figure me out

that was a sexy fuckin rhyme, Julian



Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society

that was cool.


overall I thought it was well-written. The overall composition was distinctly you, in terms of the authorial persona you've fostered on this site. One complaint I'd lodge (loge?) against your writing is that you're so very sparingly personal with the reader. I suppose it's just another characteristic of writers in general, for the writer's tone/ mood can really be extracted from any bit of writing. But I really don't mean that you fail to build a viewpoint in which to exhibit your verses, more that it's a weirdly transparent process at times. You let the reader see how you are working to build the framework for your world and your themes, the technical skill is on display but the allure is gone. It's like the magician is presenting his tricks rather than performing them

all the technical details were very good

[UnbornBuddha]

A sense of nothing is limiting - constrained when defined
By the placement of rhymes..... shaping my lines
Night feels saintly, divine.

You have a style that is unique yours, it is perceptible by its delicate sense of phraseology. The principal constituents have a makeup consisting between shades of the darkest minute detailing possible accompanied with a serenity of sorts, due to the eloquence of your words. Nonetheless, hidden in the midst of the magniloquence lies a knack for coloring the scenes with a grim tone, almost as if a fallen angel or some kind of heart broken nobleman, who has become enraptured by the smallest details of a scene, even down to its inertia. In fact, it is your insistence to capture the inertia that sometimes makes what your capture inherently have a stilted effect on its direction, as well as the full attention of the readers.

Anyways, I did enjoy this. There were quite a few lines, I had quite a blast reading. Thank you.

[Mr. J]

I really enjoyed this..the technical aspect of this was smooth
the usage of vocab the flow of the concept was on point

Glasses clink, we're laughing quick to depart from sobriety
Life imitates art - I've mastered the art of society

^^^
I was like whaaat..

you are growing into your own writer now and it's cool
keep writing my dude, I'll keep reading