Split 8 vs Ullr [TOPICAL] - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Split Eight]

AOWL house rules, I can link you when I get home. Or if you have requests for stipulations, let me know

Topic to be decided, I'll post up some pictures and choose your favorite. Line limit?

Ullr

[Ullr]

Sounds good - line limit is up to you, moderate length I guess?

Would it be possible to get a reliable third party to post some picture topics and we decide from them? Nothing personal, I have a large library of topic images as well but I don't like to "self-serve" as is the Hackey-Sack term. It just removes any possible claim for a lack of integrity or prewriting, that sort of thing.

[Vulgar]

Topic:

http://pre11.deviantart.net/6b49/th/pre/f/2015/137/e/8/random_sketch__1_by_snatti89-d8tq510.jpg

[Split Eight]

Ullr I'm good with that^ if you are

30 lines? I can have something posted by 11:59 PM on Friday, west coast time if that's cool. Busy week

[Ullr]

Yeah, that works for me - very different but I think I can definitely work with it.

That is fine Dr Dog. Best of luck!

[Ullr]

hey not sure if you're on and ready but I'm exhausted right now, I have ~4 more lines to write but I need to be up in the morning and I don't want to wait it out 'til midnight - let's just call the deadline tomorrow at midnight so we both receive an extra day for writing.

Best of luck man. I'm really looking forward to seeing your style. :)

[Split Eight]

hey not sure if you're on and ready but I'm exhausted right now, I have ~4 more lines to write but I need to be up in the morning and I don't want to wait it out 'til midnight - let's just call the deadline tomorrow at midnight so we both receive an extra day for writing.

Best of luck man. I'm really looking forward to seeing your style. :)

sounds good dude, that works for me

[Split Eight]

Will post by deadline, doing some restructuring

[Ullr]

I'm essentially ready, doing some little touches as well - let me know when you're prepared. :)

[Ullr]

http://pre11.deviantart.net/6b49/th/pre/f/2015/137/e/8/random_sketch__1_by_snatti89-d8tq510.jpg

The Tribe of the Sphere

Desolate and barren are these "Golden Plains"
This desert abyss is arid, here they know no rain.
The sky grows dark amidst the dusken clouds
looming high over the arcs herein thus renowned:
Revered as gods by the people local,
Spheres of Water - here they're cheerful, hopeful
for they draw of their savior, azure, a mirror of opal
The last remnants of a society long forgotten
Mankind but with no songs or even talking
They speak in grunts, the language of apes
though they bear the bodies and they brandish the face
they as savages raised in the sands of the plain.

They call out as they enter the dome, cavernous, grand
echos rise o'er the steps of the stone with their hands gripping pans
that dip into the water, nigh entranced as they stand
Reflections, a grunt in reply! The gods must be listening and this their sustenant prize.

They know not wisdom, all which was lost with their parents
Orphans, abandoned, naught was taught in abearance
Wars of the past wrought and tossed in their terrors
lead by instinct alone, they're lawless and feral.

"Pump Station 23" Emblazoned, exterior
One paces at its peak in wait, growing nearer
they'd captured another, she strains but so weary
Writhing in chains, she's raised amid cheering
A man with painted face and a drape of feathers
takes her fetters and prays he'd accept her
The feathered man let out a guttural cry -
wraps his hand round her shoulder and nudges her thigh
she falls from the side, screaming, no more than a thud as she dies.
They cheered, none were wondering why for this fate is the same for anyone who defies.

[Split Eight]

there's beauty in the soft of decay.
boston. in plain, plastic bags and
rained acid splashes. smog. summer haze.
the bay laps up the ashes. but only cause nature
lacks any formal expression for human disgust.
so the fauna conducts a foray into the ruins of rust,
ants gently parade through the bluing of guns-
it's funny, how these microcosms go unobserved,
humans passing by are involved in whole other worlds,
with coasts of azure. forests so lush,
you could farm them to stumps for so many decades
it would yet take four generations for a fourth of an acre
to be warmed by the sun. maybe more, at the rate that
these postings go up- on reddit, your media served,
here's the barrier reef, its species submerged in crystalline depths,
glistening like iridium, pure. so lucid. unsealed, fluid so still,
the rays don't begin to converge, the resolution's unreal.
revolution, the feel- despite global warming, pollution,
and mounting concern- that we haven't seen the big picture yet.
in our own little worlds, this is self-importance is the shell
from seeing the bliss we've afforded ourselves.

[Pharaohs Army]

V/ Dr Dog

His rhymes and phrasing in this are sick lol. appeared to be a theme of humans abusing/dirtying nature.

loved the flow- purposeful hesitations but kept it tight

"these postings go up- on reddit, your media served,"

i "lost it" on this line.. Too good ^

if i'm nitpicking i guess i'd say he seemed to ignore the "sphere" aspect of the picture, which seemed like a big part of the image. call me partial but the verse is good enough for me to forgive that.
-

Ullr is clearly a talented writer, but here, the verse itself "set it's own bar too high", and then could not meet it. I hope that makes a modicum of sense.
I guess what I mean is, 4 stanzas, all of which exploring a different aspect of the main theme - this tribe - I feel like if it was a long epic poem would be a better medium to flesh it out and maybe win the vote.
But not in a 30-line battle. Especially due to the strength&tightness of the opponent's verse

[Clutbuck]

Dope little match up, didn't see this happening in here!

Ullr: Your verse was solid enough, weirdly it reminded me of, well, me... similar style with the dual schemes running concurrently throughout. It's a lot different from what I normally associate with you from your long bar efforts. It was good to see you stepping out from that comfort zone and trying something a little different and more condensed to appeal to the shortbar crowd here, but I honestly also felt like it took away from some of your usual mechanics and technical merit. Your cadence, too, seemed to suffer a little from doing this i thought. Its usually one of your huge pluses but it lost something in transition here. I'm not exactly sure how to put my finger on it? Lines like this one are more 'you' if that makes sense:

Reflections, a grunt in reply! The gods must be listening and this their sustenant prize.

I agree with @pharoahs army in so much as you outdid yourself here, it lacked that 'natural' feel to it. Almost tried to hard is the impression I got and it really took away from your content and the imagery you usually convey.

Split: Unorthodox style, reminded me of Listen/chicken's old battle verses (old RB head, you prob wouldnt remember him or care lol) but it really pulled together nicely. I was pleasantly surpised. You weave words together so well, killed the fuckery out of this verse!

there's beauty in the soft of decay.
boston. in plain, plastic bags and
rained acid splashes. smog. summer haze.
the bay laps up the ashes. but only cause nature
lacks any formal expression for human disgust.
so the fauna conducts a foray into the ruins of rust,

I really felt that section, strong and fine tuned wording to it, great descriptive tone as well. I wasn't so keen on the "bluing" of guns that followed, but yeah, i'm with Pharoah on this one. Dr. Dog just appealed more to me as a writer, there's no mistaking his technical merit and how well his writers voice and imagery were executed here. One of the best verses I've read from dude in a hot minute!

Vote - Dr. Dog

[Split Eight]

Thank you bros. @ me with links if you'd like me to return the favor
Clutbuck Pharaohs Army

[Split Eight]

Thank you bros. @ me with links if you'd like me to return the favor

Clutbuck Pharaohs Army

[Hush]

bump

[Woke]

Ullr - I actually watched a movie very closely resembling this story not too far back, it had the same premise to a certain extent. In any case, a world of no rain where pumps rule the lands sucking mother earth dryer day by day. I loved the specific detailing of the tribe, you brought forth an Indian nation but more savage, less evolved almost. Worshiping this god, a man, or maybe the pump orbs, in any case painted well. I enjoyed the flow to say the least, I have noticed over the past three verses I read you like to use the word O'er a lot for sake of flow or brevity of line, not sure. Can't say I don't mind, but three for three so far as I read your works, just saying its beginning to stand out. Somber writers voice that I connected with early and you only got stronger near the end. No complaints.


Sp8 - This was a dope concept, but I can't give you as much credit from your competitor for matching the picture because he did much better in that aspect. You though, killed him with metaphor. The Reddit and postings portion opened this verse up into something new. You evolved in that instant and went with the imagery laden metaphorical style that comes very short bursts. Almost like you warmed up, then BANG!!! Emerald Egassi style. Your verse had true depth to it, which is vital when combating a linear story


Very tough vote. While I feel like Ullr had the superior flow and story obviously, Gynecologist Dog had the superior depth, (meaning meat to chew on as a reader) and the better metaphor given his was a concept as opposed to read what I write style. In essence, this was two completely different styles and executions, and while you both wrote something that I enjoyed thoroughly, as I read them over and over one grows on me while the other stays stagnant albeit at a high level.

V/ the resident Gynecologist

[Razah]

Nice battle.

Ullr, the story was cool on this. Like I said in another thread, there's a few writers here who already have most mechanics down, and in this battle, there's no point for me to point out certain aspects I liked when both did a good job. So, there goes that. Anyways, like I said, the story was cool. Nothing mind blowing, but I felt like you could've done something different, something more up to par to verses I usually read from you.

Split 8 / Dr. Dog, I think this might be the first verse I read from you. I'm not sure, but yeah- This was pretty dope. The verse felt 'real' to me, as opposed to some story being made up.. Also, the rhyme scheme through out the verse was pretty dope. At first, it kind of threw me off, but then I kept reading it and certain words would rhyme at unexpected times, and then you would bring back a rhyme scheme from the previous bar, point is: It ended up flowing really smoothly once I got used to the scheme. They were both good verses, I just happened to like Split's more.

vSplit 8

[asylum]

Ullr- “people local” stuck out to me on my first read through. Kinda awkward, but you got away with it. ..
They call out as they enter the dome, cavernous, grand
echos rise o'er the steps of the stone with their hands gripping pans

You kept a nice tone going with this bar. I’m not sure how to describe that tone, but you know what I mean. Heard it again here

"Pump Station 23" Emblazoned, exterior

Punchy, jumpy. Idk. Probably the least obvious aspect of your verse I’m latching onto but whatever. I like it.

That last line tho? What did the character defy? In which manner did she die? … I really liked where you were going but I feel like I came up short handed. you nailed the picture pretty well. Story just coulda used work.


Dr. dog – I really don’t like lines that get continued to the next. Especially short ones. So, with that said..

lacks any formal expression for human disgust.
so the fauna conducts a foray into the ruins of rust,

I really felt the flow right around “fauna conducts.”
You kinda just jumped all over the place tho. I’m either dull, or you were just kinda fucking around with a feel as a theme… and I didn’t really feel that feel.

/v ullr stuck to a stronger tone. I enjoyed it throughout, unlike his opponent. For this, I give him the /v.

[Mr. J]

The sky grows dark amidst the dusken clouds
looming high over the arcs herein thus renowned:
Revered as gods by the people local,
Spheres of Water - here they're cheerful, hopeful
for they draw of their savior, azure, a mirror of opal
The last remnants of a society long forgotten
Mankind but with no songs or even talking
^^^^^

Ullr, I enjoyed this section the most but I felt like I had to work my way around it
your use of vocab is really showcased in this piece and it makes your piece stand out
I feel like if you hadn't twisted your words to make it rhyme it would have came off better
I get what you are saying and it feels great, almost straight out of a sci fi novel
if you didn't worry about making it rhyme as much it would have came across nice


humans passing by are involved in whole other worlds,
with coasts of azure. forests so lush,
you could farm them to stumps for so many decades
it would yet take four generations for a fourth of an acre
to be warmed by the sun. maybe more, at the rate that
these postings go up

Split Dog, you came across more poetic, yet you kept a steady pace
you painted a great picture and your use of vocab really stands out as well
what makes your piece great is that you paint a vivid picture & bring the picture to life
I love the quote above because it comes across so smooth it's an easy read
I had to read it a few times to fully capture the essence you painted and it's just great


v/Split, Dr Dog just came with a great piece of writing without saying much
Ullr, had a great use of vocab and painted a great picture as well
the wording just seemed a bit off to me, which mayyyy need a little work
but it's no doubt he can write, he just hasn't found his niche yet..
great battle fella's

[2tripple0]

Okay well I've never read a piece before by either of y'all but I felt similar to all the other voters...split felt more poetic and ullr just seemed like he forced a lit if hid verse because of his use if rhyme scheme ..My one piece of advice to ullr is not to use words that aren't grammatically correct if you want to use complex word's then just try to attain them naturally. .that way you don't have to go searching through a dictionary finding the meaning to words that don't even exist...The other nitpick I gave trouble with is the whole centering your verse...I just felt like that structure took away from your piece. Anyways I thot that Dr dog was put together on more simple terms and because of his lay out he's getting my vote for this week...His verse was interesting to read and it didn't make me raise an eyebrow like huh what are u talking about so all in all...

Vote///Dr dog