8. Dancake vs. Razah - (Razah wins by NS)

[Vulgar]

You've been enlisted for an abstract cause.

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Topic:

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/078/0/5/chernobyl_girl_by_omeersimsek-d7avlg0.jpg

Dancake Razah

[PancakeBrah]

Check

[Razah]

wordd.

[Razah]

http://fc05.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2014/078/0/5/chernobyl_girl_by_omeersimsek-d7avlg0.jpg
She sits & she thinks, her thoughts are provoking
The glimpse that she sees as she's lost in emotion
Not a tear that she shed what she brought was the ocean
She dreaming of love, but..
It's not as long as the road is yet she's caught in the moment
Just a flaw that she noticed, she thought it was hopeless
She's strong & she's coping her heart has been stolen
What she sought was atonement now she longs for enjoyment
She used to be safe -- Her vault has been broken

Alone & she ponders, she's been deceived with a lie
She dreams of a sunset that bleeds in the sky
So it seems that the shine is a wrinkle in time
What hurts her the most is what keeps her alive
Her heart beat, her heart beats..
To a different drum now, the melody is different
The more she thinks, her thoughts, become a recipe for distance
And she's alone for the travel, if it's not for the battle
She'd be defeated & lonesome, & all she can do is watch it unravel

Lost in her thoughts.

[PancakeBrah]

ext

[big baby]

this nigga dan about to take a l

[fraze]

Not a tear that she shed what she brought was the ocean
She dreaming of love, but..
It's not as long as the road is yet she's caught in the moment

She used to be safe -- Her vault has been broken

What hurts her the most is what keeps her alive


It was a pretty straightforward story from the picture, but I liked how you incorporated different elements from the scene through the verse. You had a nice flow through the verse and used multis well but some parts seemed to jump from topic to topic randomly. The flow of the story is just as important as the flow when you read it, so try to create some sort of arc as you describe the scene. It makes the verse more interesting and easier to follow. Solid verse, and I would have liked to see a slightly longer verse, you made it a good read and had some nice imagery tied in with the pic.

[Geno]

read this a few days ago. thought it really dope man. not sure who you are but i dig the style and i dig the whole concept you went with -although a bit obvious of an approach imo. still written very well. looking forward to seeing you in rounds to come

[Vulgar]

Very smooth and steady tempo. I could tell I was reading the work of an experienced writer. I envisioned two really ambitious approaches to this picture, although you arguably took the safe route, choosing to go with a well executed, brief character study of a woman who daydreams a lot. The camel creature wasn't mentioned, but it could be seen as a metaphor for the "living vehicle that is her mind."

It could be seen as a "Where the Wild Things Are" case where maybe the camel isn't really there at all, just a prop for a more important statement the author is trying to make. Overall, this was cool, with instances of clever construction and rhyming.

Thanks for showing!