R. 2: Genocide vs. mayniuhh - (Genocide wins)

[Vulgar]

Welcome to Round 2 of the tournament.

There is no line limit.
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks)

Verses Due Tuesday Night. (June 9th)
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(24 hour extensions are allowed. Only one though.)

Voting Ends Thursday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied

Have Fun
Peace

Genocide has agreed to fill in for a needed slot. mayniuhh


TOPIC:

http://orig03.deviantart.net/13c2/f/2015/052/3/a/the_crone_imperiall_by_socar-d8j0mdq.jpg

[Geno]

The Dark Knight.

emulate, all black everything, his sure goal..
as the dark one shuffles clothes, from his wardrobe
dressing, for the biblical armegeddeon, foretold
wearing pure gold, a koala bear, black haired fur cloak
blood from a dead bird, sewn in, with its pecker..
its the kissing thread that connects every red rose
shadows over headstones, risen from a chess game
angels verses death, best of seven, this is check mate
a levitating rapture, the absence of christs wrath
black blood floods the earth, an axe picks the ice caps
a petroleum type bath -lightning strikes, hold the fire
just a perfect shade of grey, aliesters known desire
float the whole entire world, search for sex, its absurd
making love with the deceased, necromantic, in a word
have you ever danced, with the devil, or sold your soul
gazed in a mirror at yourself, saw theres nothing to behold
a shell of a man staring back, these are days to come
when the mayan dressed in black, leaves his grave, from the dust
escaping the netherlands, headband, feathered wrap
tethered to his forehead, mortal flesh never lasts
volcanic ash, splashed, shmears this person like war paint
point blank, the tomahawk swords range, ensures pain
a warrior of worldly fates, who tore down the pearly gates
curly hair, trails behind his furious rage, furry, unscathed
he bathes, in the dna's, of catholics and christians
and casts shit and excrement, he spits, in the caskets of victims
the dark one has risen, once and for all, to shatter religion
this is what he looks like, if you can capture an image.





-Geno

[mayniuhh]

This Seed


Mists, collected as precious
Via cyclonic wind,
expel In flailing collisions, against
Another of the 1 (simpl' as reflections)
Until the crystalish
Drifts upon an argument
Between nativity and home
To being.

Seeded.

Now, pic being Peece,
City of seas
with every beach
And every free,
And each belief in the land.
Weapons, offensive tactics
Damaging as knuckle sandwich meat
'Magine needing to balance,
Now,
Imagine this
Battle ship upon your nose
Without a will, testament
Or even just permission to tip.

Imagine learning that 90
Of a thousand would survive it;
Blubbery, underskin
T'was a hunt until we fined it.

Until the mist finds,
Subconsciously, drifts by
Feeds And Nurtures this seed,
it's just...
Sun as potential:
Fucking Limitless.

Peece ascended to the,
image Of Heaven Bitch;
that tep, delicate place
that all the dogs go.

Now,
Picture mists absorbing men
and
expelling the extra elements
to pointed fine a thief
and,
fortify the seed.


Angled offering
of dusk, pale and darkening,
This was my vantage, I say That
I saw it. Each fleet's seated chief
Treated as markings.
Here nothing else but
The plan
Is important.
His words hung up;
Their eyelashes, garments.
Night's Day, Torrent
Of Peece, he is dawning.


"""
Stain 'pon this planet
I'm a stain upon this plane
A stain upon a paper
I'm a stain in all our brains
I'm a stain that is expensive;
a stain
with some aim
I'm a stain they "exquisite"
a stain that they claim
As a stain.
We're more than
Paint on a page.
"""

"""
Dew hasn't risen, listen the
mist wishes to
steal a gem behind the
skin of my neck.
Chiefspeak; nothing to pimples
your bust it is simple:
Yo call it's mom a leprous hooker
y'know, launch an offensive.
It's a
little lightning in this bottle,
enough to freeze about an
hour while the
might of 90 bolts'll
mop the ocean up.

Firebird?
My knife can slice a word
into a fate
worse than obsolescence...

[mayniuhh]

Upped

[Vulgar]

Upped

[Razah]

Okay so, I read mayniuhh's verse and it read to me like a spoken word piece, which I'm cool with. Buuttt, whenever I hear a spoken word piece, I expect for it to be deep, or have some lines in there that make me be like, Damn, I should've thought of that. The reason I expect so much from a piece written like that is because I feel like they're sacrificing flow/rhyming for what should be a well written verse.

I felt like your verse was, okay. I dunno what else to say, I just thought it was decent.

Genocide, your verse was pretty dope to me. I liked the wording of it, the flow that I got from it, and the way you switched up some rhymes schemes here & there was refreshing. This part was sick to me, good shit.


have you ever danced, with the devil, or sold your soul
gazed in a mirror at yourself, saw theres nothing to behold
a shell of a man staring back, these are days to come
when the mayan dressed in black, leaves his grave, from the dust
escaping the netherlands, headband, feathered wrap
tethered to his forehead, mortal flesh never lasts
volcanic ash, splashed, shmears this person like war paint
point blank, the tomahawk swords range, ensures pain
a warrior of worldly fates, who tore down the pearly gates
curly hair, trails behind his furious rage, furry, unscathed
he bathes, in the dna's, of catholics and christians
and casts shit and excrement, he spits, in the caskets of victims


vGenocide

[Pharaohs Army]

I think almost all of Genocide's verse is dope. I really like the rhymes and the flow.

I did Not like

blood from a dead bird, sewn in, with its pecker..
its the kissing thread that connects every red rose

Don't like the rhyme of dead bird / pecker
Not a big fan of the phraseology and the metaphor is also pretty cheesy here.

That being said I only highlighted that part because I basically enjoyed every other part of the verse.

Genocide seemed to hint at multiple things the pic could possibly represent, without zeroing in on one focused metaphor or story. However, I kinda liked that aspect of it. In my opinion he pulled it off quite well, and it leads to intrigue, etc.

I won't sprinkle the individual quotes from all of these, but we've got:
References to evil, darkness, anti-theism.. (the "main one", i feel)
But also references to Mayans, warriors, and the like..
And also a few things about lack of identity, lack of self..

So I like how he touches on the multiplicity of what the image conjures.
Also really like the ending line; both the phrasing of it, and the rhyme of shatter religion / capture an image.
Well done.
-
Mayniuhh has a good piece of writing here. The skill and the writing are quite evident. Original and thoughtful.. Also some (I think) first-person perspective, as the POV from the image, starting in the middle of the piece.
There is definitely rhyme in this. However, whereas a lot of times unorthodox schemes work to benefit a piece, I feel like the schemes may have been (dare I say) a bit Too unorthodox. We're hit with some of internal rhymes and then left wondering where's the "end/rhymes"?; where's the "flow"?. [The flow of rhymes I mean. The flow overall is good].

Stain 'pon this planet
I'm a stain upon this plane
A stain upon a paper
I'm a stain in all our brains
I'm a stain that is expensive;
a stain
with some aim
I'm a stain they "exquisite"
a stain that they claim
As a stain.
We're more than
Paint on a page.

I did not like this stanza ^.
Repetition is good, but only when it's helps. I don't feel like it helped here. This stanza, unlike the others, doesn't seem to say much, or offer depth.

That being said, I only highlighted it because I thought the other stanzas were well done for the most part. Intriguing/thought-provoking/offers the reader different interpretations. And I like the style and the syllabic measure. Just not the rhyme.
-

So both are pretty quality, but my vote goes to Genocide, with a more traditionally structured verse and straightforward abstractness (I realize that's an oxymoron).
v/ Genocide

[UnbornBuddha]

Okay, finally have time to cast some votes.

Anyway, Genocide. You depicted this king that has a dark shroud around his image as the dark lord himself. Some of the imagery was particularly splendid, this line, in particular, stood out "black blood floods the earth, an axe picks the ice caps. Thought that was provocative. And the flow was smooth, as expected from a Genocide verse, the wording was up to standard. Though I do have a gripe, I thought there wasn't really any progression to what you were saying. I thought the angle was all description, which is fine, but the angle itself has been done to death. This was still well-written, even though you did write it quite rapidly. It would be nice to see a piece from you, where you take time to craft it and refine it from there.

Mayniuhh: I don't think I've read anything from you before. As another commentator stated: What you wrote is very different than most topicals I'm used to reading. You didn't rhyme in many instances, and being that I love rhyming, that is an immediate con to me, particularly because this is lyricism. It's hard for me to say much, in this instance, and I usually do have a lot to say. I think what you wrote is more suited for other types of environments, but I think for this tournament, you must adapt and morph your style, and your writing, so you fit more along the pack of wolves. The writing itself was not bad, but it was like a spoken word piece, without rules, where the audience snaps their fingers, as you elucidate and unravel each line. Their rhythm highlighting yours, and yours theirs. Thank you both.

Vote: Genocide

[Mr. J]

Well this was lopsided..


Geno, I'm loving the steam that your building to get where you are
you really show some glimmers of breaking out of the rust box you are in
the construction of your verse seems pretty well crafted & flows quite well
your first stumble was rhyming 'pecker' & 'dead bird' I literally lol'd
I'm like what in the fuuu...either way you shined against your opponent

mania, I enjoy the difference in structure of your verse
for me when I read pieces like this I feel like I need a rapid fire flow for it
4 to 6 lines in a verse usually makes me feel robbed though
I feel that if you worked on it and fleshed it out some more it would be great
but you aren't out of touch with how you want to express yourself
you grasp onto the idea quickly and it would be interesting to watch you grow
otherwise I feel like the pace of your verse was outmatched my Geno's verse
had you been placed against someone in the same style as yours you would survive
but at times like this it would be best to come with that weight rather than grace
nice work though...


v/Geno, Geno's verse just seemed to flow better and seemed more on point that mania's
I enjoyed both works regardless of there flaws and found both writers to shine quite well
either way...nice battle fella's

[mayniuhh]

...

[Certain]

Eminem is a good rapper.

You fucking bitch. Verse has been edited back in and thread closed so that you can't try to recycle that garbage. Go fuck yourself and leave this site.