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View Full Version : Round 3 - Quarterfinals: Pent uP vs. Mr. J - (Mr. J wins)


Vulgar
06-16-2015, 01:27 AM
Welcome to Round 3 of the tournament. Congrats on making it this far.

There is no line limit.
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks!)

Verses Due Friday Night. (June 19th)
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(24 hour extensions are allowed. Just one.)

Voting Ends Monday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied

Have Fun
Peace

Pent uP Mr. J

Topic:

http://orig01.deviantart.net/db46/f/2011/068/c/6/four_and_twenty_by_robrey-d1nfj5z.jpg

Mr. J
06-16-2015, 01:44 AM
Easy as pie..













3.1459

Pent uP
06-16-2015, 04:46 PM
"And they were singing...

Bye bye miss American Pie...."

Mr. J
06-21-2015, 01:31 AM
Enchanted by melody, her song would carry through the branches
she sat beneath the cherry tree, ripe were those fruits of passion
As a siren would manipulate on a whim, she did upon wandering glances
As enigmatic as she was, she was still an amateur mastering her craft
It was all she had known, well preserved as if captured in glass.
Like a firefly that fought off darkness, leaving others enamored by dance
enraptured in fact. Her physique resembled that of a ballerina's
her nimble frame rested upon limbs that stretched like the marina
a beautiful dreamer, represented by eyes that glared like rich mahogany
experienced as if she lived through the Odyssey & reminisced often..
She practiced common themes of curiosity & battled against misogyny
A chameleon, her hair was a dark cinnamon, in the light..vermilion
she was fair, among the crowd she would stand out like the pavilion
a smile she only revealed when confronted by refinement & age
she was concealed in water as petals to a flower, beauty only silence could praise
her skin would glisten as the sun would reach it's alignment & gaze...
as if it were a suitor admiring from afar awaiting some sort of merit
her cold demeanor would show that would easily thwart or disparage
leaving any individual in awe as well as thoroughly embarrassed.
As she sunk into herself all the well known faults became apparent..
time was her enemy, that consumed her as the years flew by
the eyes that once glistened & seemed cheerful, appeared to die
her roots withered, & the truth eventually persevered through lies..
the song's became fearful cries, that would call for clarity..
'Why?' the philosophers question resting on the lips of austerity
her once calm exterior had grown into a heated loss of sincerity
her smile started to sag, as her limbs would grow weaker.
I had become angered that day because I could control neither
while my disdain flourished, my resentment had grown deeper
on her 18th birthday I could no longer love my once beautiful...Lolita

Pent uP
06-21-2015, 02:47 AM
Leaving the nest, dreaming of dearth with screams in each step. ..
From an infant teething at breasts into a teenage reject..
Heaving each breath as our girls begin reaching their depths..
Growing into the women of character that are screamed on for sex...

In molding them right, mothers and fathers should hold them at night..
Folding them tight in their covers and letting them know your supply.. Of love and support is always there to fill the holes of their pie...
While keeping their crusts toasty with hugs that flow from all sides....
Their focus and guide is dependent on every lesson they learn...
They're going to fly so they need to know what directions to turn...
Have to keep them safe as too many young girls are molested and burned...
And added to the population of hookers, licking on worms
As they mature, their treasures inside become fruitful as well...
In need of that guidance before they're baking pies with juices of hell...

UnbornBuddha
06-22-2015, 12:39 AM
Mr. J- a descriptive montage of sorts where detail is weaved throughout the whole piece without narrative. A collage composed of attributes and characteristics, in which every constituent of it becomes an allusion that points to a certain facet of a character. This character is obviously this girl that has matured to the point of adulthood. And as time passed her demeanour changed, and she became berserk. And so it was hard to love her because of her exterior traits, even she was aware of this "apparent faults". Although, one thing I have to say, is that you added so much flowery description of her that you almost caused the stasis to the progressive rhythm of the verse. While, each detail was poignant, they didn't build upon each other, and I felt it was becoming somewhat static. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the message, and it was nicely written. But, there was still some spice that could have been added, a greater climax that shifts the gears within the reader. This was more subtle.

Pent uP: This was different. It definitely felt rushed, and while I like to take each week as a different piece and not compared to the rest of your works, it is difficult not to, especially when your last work was so grand. This was about parenthood, and raising your daughter in a loving and fruitful manner that nourishes them to be a complementary person to society's and family standards. If one fails to do so, then the daughter might grow into some type of degenerate whose core is rotten. No sweetness to her being. The ending was just there, and while I understood your aim, I did not resonate with the overall approach, mostly because it felt rushed, and while the concept is endearing, I thought it wasn't done to the extent that you could have. It was like a shotgun approach because you obviously can write well, and whatever you write comes off as no less than decent, but it wasn't exemplary, and did not give the completion I had hoped for.

Vote: Mr. J

sral
06-22-2015, 07:53 AM
Pent: You hard arguably the best verse of the tournament thus far last round, what happened?! I'm guessing real life took it's toll. What you did have was dope, really mechanics heavy which I'm a huge fan of and your technical merit is on par with just about everyone. This one for sure showed your ability as a writer and you're undoubtably one of the best to do this but even you won't be too disgruntled to see this one go the opposite way I'd imagine! The verse was had a rushed feel as opposed to what were all used to ready from you, it was too short all in all to really get more than the bare bones out there. I'd like to see you go back on this though and really flesh it out how you would have wanted into a fully fledged piece to see where you would have taken it without the time constraints. The thing I love most with your works is when you take a story/topical and create almost a hybrid between the two or tie them into an extended metaphor. I think this verse (as is) really lies open to either one of those, or maybe even both! As is stands it really only told the start of the journey and the conclusion was drawn too all too quickly. It was more a character sketch than a finished painting, of sorts. What you did have down was dope, though!

Their focus and guide is dependent on every lesson they learn...
They're going to fly so they need to know what directions to turn...

Fucking dope shit. Wording, pacing, and writers voice all on point with great mechanics to it as well. Word perfect.


Mr. J: You've had one of the hardest routes to the semis on paper haha! I like where you're currently at writing wise, mixing up your imagery and wording well with actual technical prowess to it. It's a marked improvement from you since your QuarterZ days and is testament to you making it this far already. I'd actually say people tend to sleep on you on the topical tip when they probably shouldn't. Jay is no slouch. He has a lot of quoteables I like, stuff like this especially:

well preserved as if captured in glass.

I just feel like that gives the mental imagine of something pristine, pure and untouched. The phrasing really worked for me.

I liked his descriptive use of imagery too, showing the reader rather than telling them. There's a marked difference between the two and I think he played this line well:

as petals to a flower, beauty only silence could praise

Really nicely done here, that line stood out and resonated with me as a reader.

All in all, yeah, maybe not the battle I had hoped for when I saw the named involved - but this one was good, I just wish Pent had showed up like I've seen and KNOW he can do haha! I always loving reading new Pent ish just to keep myself on my toes, but I've gotta go with Mr. J here!

Vulgar
06-22-2015, 10:55 AM
Mr. J - What I did like about this was your patient reconstruction of a young woman succumbing to the aging mechanisms of the human body. I don't know though...the delivery just wasn't that exciting. It settled into the regular groove of a Mr. J verse, not stepping outside of the flow tempo you've created for yourself out of habit. The detail was nice, observations opaque - overall, there could've been some more dexterity and circulation with the focus of your content. Everyone has a different way of telling a story, and you find yours to be the path of patient verbatim. I personally prefer something more fast paced and deliberate, wasting no time in the process, but that's just my preference. It was a cool verse.

Pent uP - Good instances of rhyming with a narrative straightforwardness I'm not all that accustomed to seeing in your format. This was obviously a little less verbose and refined as your work usually is, I take it, because it was half rushed? I'm going to assume it wasn't rushed, and a final product. Judging it, the assessment of the topic was fair. The narrator was convincing enough. I didn't think it did enough to overpower Mr. J's offering.

Vote - Mr. J