Semi-finals: Razah vs. Mr. J - (Mr. J wins)

[Vulgar]

WELCOME TO THE END OF THE LINE. WELL, ALMOST. ENSURE YOUR SLOT IN MARTYRDOM BY DECIMATING YOUR ENEMY.

There is no line limit.
VOTE ON OTHER BATTLES (thanks!)

Verses Due Friday Night. (June 19th)
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
(24 hour extensions are allowed. Just one.)

Voting Ends Monday Night
12 AM Western / 3AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.
Exceptions can be made if a suitable reason is supplied

Have Fun
Peace

Razah Mr. J


Topic:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NoNdRHxwy5g/TMgn46Lxv8I/AAAAAAAADs4/UqepY5O5mXY/s1600/MOUNTAINS1.JPG

[Razah]

word.

[Razah]

I started to wonder, am I caught up in a dream
Stumbling past some jagged rocks, sharper than some teeth
Every step sounds like a growl, makes me nauesous & it seems
We took a journey & the end is near, we walked into a beast
The silence can be eerie but it's fascinating
Are those.. rain drops that I hear, or is the monster salivating
Curiosity & fear - The best of my devotion
A never ending echo - Every breath is an explosion...

If you could hear the thoughts I have, see what's running through my head
Would you continue being brave or would you be jumping off the ledge...

The unexpected causes panic, not knowing is the worse
It's like a hunger that I have & I've been coping with the thirst
The thirst is overwhelming - The unforeseen is swallowed by the night
I got the world's pressure on my back, but it's followed by the light

They must've felt the same, if I ever had to ask
I wouldn't- It's like an unborn child, they never had a chance
They should've never tried, if it wasn't for their heart
They would never be lost, they wouldn't be smothered by the dark
But they are, and that's the reason that I'm here
I hope they didn't fall even though the season isn't near
Thoughts I can't explain, thoughts I hate to know I'm thinking
But every thought I hope is real, it seems like I'm just dreaming
And I hope I never wake, but I don't wake up with some hope
I look forward to the day where, we can have a toast- But for now..
I'm lost up in a beast.. did it murder all my friends
It'll face the same fate, 'til I find you, the search will never end

[Mr. J]

26? I'll match you tonight...



I'm here, I'm here...I'll be down in a few Razah

[Mr. J]

Fighting the wind that howled with its most livid constraints
We were two locomotives making our way through rigid terrain
Weakening you until all you can do is accept the blizzards embrace
Wickedness reigns. Nature can be beautiful & vicious enraged
Our missions to save a survey group that’s been missing for days
Abysmal debate over the importance of the individuals at stake
Our decision was made. With desire in our heart & our vision ablaze
We were on the same track, trail markers would glisten our gaze
‘Hope’ the feeling is greater than one could admit in a phrase
Yet we shared the same sensation as we quickened our pace…
Scrambling over an embankment only to find equipment in flames
Battling to the last ember to mock us, ***kling at the witness of distaste
The feeling disappeared; our minds were further distant from change
Turning back only hastened our encounter with affliction or fate…
We pushed forward, searching for any indication of disorderly conduct
Any form of abduction, everything seemed to go as according, no problems…
No struggle, no sense of hostiles, the search continues beyond tents…
Beyond cases that held electrical equipment to capture any progress
No problems, one tent, fire damage, contents are unconfirmed but will be processed
We carry on beyond the campsite, witness a shimmer hidden inside a shadow
Our senses took over, and we raced over to catch the ending of an untimely battle…
4 armed guards & 4 scientists were found hung upside down with their insides unraveled…
In that moment the silence was broken…His voice echoed with power as it was sent with urge…

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_NoNdRHxwy5g/TMgn46Lxv8I/AAAAAAAADs4/UqepY5O5mXY/s1600/MOUNTAINS1.JPG

[UnbornBuddha]

Very similar verses, Razah more introspective with his internal dialogue, and Mr. J more scenic and more technically sound, as made apparent by his clean formats and the contents therein.

Razah: I enjoyed this, the lead and follow up of the narrative was somewhat dramatic in its telling. There was a suspense in the air that you crafted. Although, it had a unique contrast with the introspective style that you usually come with. But, this was more outwardly because there was an explorative and navigation aspect to it. In some ways the verse is simple, nothing too showy, just straight to your point. Even your metaphors aren't complex, instead they are personal and that's why they resonate. It would be nice if you added names to this characters, and while the enigmatic unknown factor to the characters is sometimes the best tool, I feel sometimes you don't unravel their identity, mostly because of your preference to this stream of consciousness style, in which the I is the perspective, the eye that sees everything. The greater scope is something that is a nice touch, in this kind of stories. Nevertheless, a nice verse. You have a very formal style that adds emotional and dramatic effect.

Mr.J: Very well formatted, but reading your verse again I notice Razah has more of an emotional touch to his. Yours is more detached, not a bad thing, but something I noticed. I do get the notion that emotion is sometimes hard to display for us detached individuals, which let's face it, writers tend to be, due to their observational objectivism in which subjectivity becomes a mere plot, but there's not that connection. I mean generally there can be, but many writers write so proficiently that the amount of material they hash out does not correlate to the happenings of their life. Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because I feel like that is something you as a writer need to work on, as well. I also loved that you used the caption of the photo to be technically your last line, after the ending of your verse. It's a clever tool, I will probably incorporate sometime in the future. I also will say that by the end of the stanza, the flow became more stretched and that technical fluidity became less noticeable.

This is a tough vote, very similar verses. But, I think I will give it to the one whose writting techniques impressed me the most.

Vote: Mr.J... Thank you both!

[sral]

Razah: I thought the ending of your piece was dope, liked the angle of you searching for the beast who had killed your buddies/was the reason they were missing at least and gave your character some impetus to carry on the fight. It wa a cool concept at the bare bones of it all, and I thought this section was especially dopesauce:

The silence can be eerie but it's fascinating
Are those.. rain drops that I hear, or is the monster salivating

You did a great job here of tying in your descriptive imagery to the overarching theme you went with of this unseen or unfound animal/beast that had amused the disappearance of their colleagues. I think you surprised a lot of people with your run in this tourney so far, but I knew all too well the level you can write at so it's no surprise for me to see you here at the business end of the tourney.

Mr. J: It was fun to see you both actually go for a similar idea or concept of this missing research team, both you and the opponent. I know the picture topic almost lends to that idea but I just found it interesting how you both chose to do that...

You were obviously the more technically skilled as far as these two verses went, and I can't lie I tend to lean more towards the mechanically proficient verses - especially at this level of competition where really were nitpicking over the minutest details to decide a winner. I loved how you rhymed the spoken dialogue from the picture with that in your verse, it was a deft touch but stood out for me.

The two of you here were fairly evenly matched infact, Razah had that brilliant turn of phrase that comes with his experience in the battle side and he also had that imagery going for him which I thought was TIGHT in the section I quoted. Mr. J was the more technically proficient writer here and it's hard to look past that, especially as both verses were short in length so it highlighted that strongpoint all the more in the short amount of lines. Both different writers with different things that will appeal to different readers, a clash of styles perhaps, with Razah having a nod ahead in flow over some of the latter half of Mr. J's where the line lengths seemed to creep up... Tough call here, I've re-read a few times now and have to say I'm going with Mr. J, slightly, based on the overall stronger mechanics and execution and consistently solid verse.

Great battle!

[Hush]

aight so my issue with razah here was it felt lifeless.
now that dont mean it wasnt good, or techincal
it was good, and it was technical
but it felt cookie cutter
rhyme patterns, topic, interprtation, what u said, how u said it
iunno b

this IS NOT a knock on u as a writer, never read anything from u before, and im not really a good judge of this anyway imho
BUT i am trying to look at ur verse vs his, if i was breaking this down in the open mic just as ur verse it would be easier, cuz alone as it stands there is nothing that I DID NOT like about it. it was cool
but against his.. after i read them both back to back
iunno man


one shines more
one has more luster for me
prolly personal preference but keeping it funky I knew mr j had the better verse like 2 lines in

IT FELT BETTER
does that make sense?
iunno

I had more shit typed up
but J had a more poetic feel, I related to what he was saying, it kept me going, almost on edge of my seat
like a good movie
raz was like a tv show type deal


iunno man

no disrespect to nobody
my first vote was better but the site killed it

so yea


V- mr j

[ribbit]

Aye I agree mostly with the other voters the two writers were both okay but when it came to mechanics Mr j was doper with his lines and they were easier to read I didn't enjoy razahs style or structure and ultimately it damaged his overall definition in this battle so with that in mind I vote vicariously for Mr.j