Sn00p vs ribbit - (Sn00p wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 1

Sn00p Mr. J

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

(Don't write to the book itself... just the image.)

https://s-media-***he-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/6c/b4/ca/6cb4***642813053e576a81078a3d680.jpg

[ribbit]

Lookin forward to this .. Any line limit?


LINKZ.....……..
Vulgarvzwittyvzdr dog
Fraze vs objective
Inno vs destroyer

[Sn00p]

Lookin forward to this .. Any line limit?

nope. there isn't. u can look these kinda things up in the rules & regulations thread that's stickied in this forum.

& check. g'luck yall

[Mr. J]

Check!

[ribbit]

many nights I dance by myself
It gives me enough time to apprihand the right steps
So as the music plays the crowd goes wild
All sorts of folktales presented not just anyone profile
Some folk talk shit cuz the sound is instrumental
But they ain't seen me cuz I pack studios like universal
Don't understand how difficult it can be for a musician
Always riding no matter the conditions
And its prohibited to put forth new materials
No one listens. Its a transition from the past rituals
The only hardship happens when the balls in your court
But if u travel far enough and you fall off the world
Whos going to be there to catch you
Noones got a response they all just silent like a statue
Got nowhere left to turn
Your finale ain't assured Im gonna guess it hurts
Either way lessons learmed and I'm the son of its senator
Regard me highly exaulted and most supreme
And even as his valley can't be crossed by this regime
I'm prepared to understand its misuse
Like people trying their hand with a gun
Or abortion even suicides or meaningless violence
Voices antagonizing as ambulances sirens
But I'm running out of rooms
I've filled my mansion now its becoming a tomb
Most people agreed I'm sowing a seed
They want to know the outcome before they turn into leaf

[Sn00p]

yo, i just came home (4am) and i wanted to finish & post my verse, but i cant fucking find it on my computer. idk. might've not saved it or smth. so yea, long story short: can i get an ext? cuz it seems i gotta write a whole new verse. smh

[Sn00p]

We danced with Dionysus
where grass was growing green;
before the steps of Midas
were gilding most the scene.

Like yellow-colored flowers
we turned to face the sun.
The stars and moon were ours;
the skies were not yet hung.

Awoken under canopies:
All creatures side by side.
And mostly ev'ry man agreed;
the rest took it in stride.

Or so it seemed to us at least,
before the mushroom grew.
The brightness was the end of beast,
and god, and human too.

It seems perchance we should have known,
as all the signs were there.
What glitters that is good and gold,
we said and turned despaired.

Now memory is all I have
to tell the tale to you.
It seems that we were bold to laugh,
while walking into doom.

[Vulgar]

ribbit - You write well and I thought the presentation was good. The subject matter came off as 'regular' in the sense that a lot of the gripes your narrator had are communicated in a common way on a daily basis. It reminded me of someone who's middle aged and venting their grievances with the world while they are performing at a musical or a session. It was cool writing; you show promise as a participant in this league.

Sn00p - A Neanderthal first worshipping the sun, and choosing Pagan deity over multiple generations facing walls of stone and being unintelligible. This piece spoke to me of human progress, and the end of a type of ignorance - undiscovered religion. Although it is a controversial human obsession, religion, it did help to take us out of the Stone Age, paving the way for civilization and all of that good stuff. This is probably very un-scientific, but I played Empire Earth and I remember the epochs, dammit.

My vote goes to Sn00p. I enjoyed his style a bit more. ribbit went into more detail, but Sn00p had subtle touches that pinpointed the picture better.

[Inno]

Ok so this battle is. Example of what could happen to most of you.


Ribbit.

Great post man i enjoyed the diction and the way you rhymed. Thought it was good but not over the top. Though i have to be completely honest when i say that, for me. This piece came off more like an open mic rather than a poem. I feel like you went in an out of that through out the piece. You have to be carefull with your word choice. Poetry can sometimes be tricky in that aspect. Tbh i felt like this was an attempt at a spoken word type of style and it just came off as a simple verse. Great job with that but you lost that poetic sense that made your piece a poem and not an open mic. I suggest next time try not to rhyme. I enjoyed this piece though. Thank you for the read.

Snoop

Man talent can be hidden. Even in tardiness pr haste lol. This was dope. Not offend ribbit but this had that poetic sense/ voice i was looking for. You took the topic and made it your own which at times can be difficult, so some one grabs a difficult topic and makes it look easy, i mean what choice dp i have but to praise them for there effort. I do see the haste in your post but its not too much which makes me think if u really prepared youd prolly write some hof type of shit. Dope stuff man your writing talent shines through out this piece.
I enjoyed the format as well.


Overall

I feel like ribbit just fell a bit short in his direction. Which is Understandable. Though snoop came in a dropped like a poetry vet. Lol. Dope pieces from both of you but i felt like snoop had a more poetically inclined piece. Where as ribbit got lost in the translation. By no means am i saying snoop cleaned the floor with ribbit. I just feel like snoop had a better grasp pf the situation and posted accordingly. Thank you both for posting lettimg me read your poetry. Plz continue to post in this league

Snoop

[sral]

lmao I'll preface my vote by saying I have to the slightest clue on poetry or what constitutes a good verse etc

I just read and vote based on which I liked more. I'm like a caveman of votes in it's primitive form, but here goes...

Ribbit: I thought the second half of your drop was great, if read to me like you just let the pen take the verse where it would and after the edge of the world/who would catch you? line, this nearer the end was dope:

I'm the son of its senator
Regard me highly exaulted and most supreme
And even as his valley can't be crossed by this regime
I'm prepared to understand its misuse
Like people trying their hand with a gun
Or abortion even suicides or meaningless violence
Voices antagonizing as ambulances sirens

That was a completely different level to the rest of your drop. You hit form there and carried it to the end!

Sn00p: You crazy German! Okay so to my untrained eye, this kind of verse with short meter and easy rhyme scheme is obviously going to appeal more. It just will. When I think of a poem, that's exactly how it goes in my head. You wrote this surprisingly well actually, probably the best verse I've read in the LGPA so far. I read Vulgars interpretation about the Sun etc but I took this to be an end of worlds almost, possibly the sun combusting, but also possibly a nuclear attack that kills is all? I think the ending is left a little open for the reader and I like that, rather than having it all spelt out to us. Really nicely written. I've got sn00p winning this one!

Keep those pens moving!

[Sharp]

disclaimer like before - not experienced with this but wanna help so take or leave it, not offended if you don't wanna count my vote.

aight so

ribbit

this was interesting, stream of thoughty stuff - it looked (to me) like you started with the picture then just let whatever happened happen, which was cool. It had a few weak spots but it felt like a verse or swag and flow drop to a topic.

sn00p
felt like a more standard poetic approach like the one I would find in an english class textbook (not that it's bad, I just associate short lines and ABAB structure with that) but I like that you took the picture, interpreted both what was there and what you could put into it - your verse gave me a sense of what happened next pretty effectively in a concise manner and that was the difference for me

v/sn00p
Innovator that's vote number 2 for me you can put that into the NBL tab

[Objective]

Ribbit - Atypical abab couplet rhymescheme basically throughout the whole piece. This read more like a regular topical than anything else. What I'm getting at is that in a league like this I kind of look for something else than a typical OM-piece in terms of structure. I mean, you've never had the freedom to write any way you like and you go for the safest most people are familiar with. Let loose, go crazy, get rid of everything you know about writing in rap-form and just have fun kind of. I'm not saying you didn't have fun writing this but I hope you get what I mean?

As far as the piece itself goes it's OK, I guess you're kind of new new to writing so that's dope because this league can truly let you experiment with concepts and set ups and nobody will question you if you don't rhyme or the rhymescheme isn't good enough etc., because it's the poem as a whole and its motives that's in focus. You sticked to the topic and that part I felt you did pretty good so props for that.

Keep it up, looking forward to see your progress in the league.

Sn00p - Quatrain ABAB rhymescheme, pretty standard but it almost never go wrong. You follow through with a pretty easy to follow flow and great imagery followed with great use of words. Fluent from start to finish, might be my fav poem so far in this tourney, good showing man.

Vote - Sn00p for an overall better showing. Ribbit; looking forward to see you get better, stay up.