Innovator vs fraze (Innovator wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 2

Innovator fraze

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Vietnam

The Vietnam War marked some of the most turbulent times in America. Many felt that America had jumped into the war unjustly and that American citizens were being drafted and sent to die in a foreign country. The war was violent and bloody and remains one of America's longest conflicts.

"I had prayed to God that this thing was fiction."

- Colonel William Wilson

[Inno]

Check

[fraze]

Check. Looking forward to it.

[Inno]

Trading arms.

In a sea of green they got lost in the shadows
martyrs to a war, saviors of the poor.
ignorant to the cause but so eager to join
brothers in arms holding each other stitches.

Boasting youth so willing to submitt to old ways
giving life away before time deems it fit.
heros of a nation gathering like cattle to the slaughter;
old age's will, some would say.
with a buzz cut and a shave they are new men
a new look and a pair of boots.
boastfull youth mending the fences. Proud.

"We learned to fight together"


In foxholes fox trotting away from deaths grip
swimming in a sea of red they get lost in the reef.
trading bullets for thoughts, bombs for peace.
war is predictable.
losing brothers by the minute, the family tree runs dry,
while its roots soak in the souls.
bravery is a funny thing. But theres always irony
in comedy, some how that makes it ok.
to chase death and not want it, to loathe life and then cherish it.
they pleaded guilty to peace. but the guns kept judging.
those nights the wind blew a little harder.
and the moon hung in the sky a little longer.
disillusioned youth keeping the fence up,
growing years by the bullet wound.


"We made it home heros"


forgotten youth martyrs to a welcome that never came
in a sea of americans they get lost in the translation.
thrown away sacrifice; Chasing redemption.
so wounds never heal and the scars never mend.
the love of naypalm in the morning
is infectious.
dreaming of sleep with eyes wide shut.
trying to forget who they are.

Forgotten youth, left back when they where young.

[fraze]

Finishing up but I might be late. If it's a no show cool, but I am posting tonight.

[fraze]

i can still see the palm trees,
beach with a calm breeze.
when thomas polotzky passed me some bomb weed,
bong rips, then the bomb hits...
this coastal beach melts like impressionist Dali…
if he was dropping acid, on dimethyltryptamine while poppin mali...
saw such crazy shit, swear i haven’t been herbin since...
even tho i got scrip for my nervous twitch…
plus clumsy.. just a little bit…
but i don’t have two left feet.... i don’t have feet period
not that there’s anything to stand for
give it all and they demand more
abandon you dismantled and no longer give a damn or...
when in uniform…’we thank you for your service…’
on the street asking for food to eat… ‘you’re fucking worthless...’
nobody jumped ship… just look beneath the surface…
these drowning men were tossed overboard on purpose...
if the current flow goes undeterred i’ll be swept along…
killed by indifference… after i survived shots from the viet cong...

war what is it good for?
who watches the watchmen?
might be too late for me but please somebody stop them.
or they’ll end up testing toxins on the next generation
don’t rob them of a future… only you can save them

[ribbit]

Wow decent battle here.. I felt like both of y'all could have come harder. As for immolate there were times it feltblikebyour piece was missing the poetical vibe and hi st sounded a bit more like a spoken word piece. As for fraze I thought u didn't get personal until half way through the piece. I enjoyed the ending but because the beginning was so off topic I had to give the battle to immolate

Vote/immolate

[Split Eight]

I had innovator with a more serious and empathetic depiction of the war. I think Inno hit many of the key themes with clever lines that hold up to a critical reading of the piece, they aren't just for show. I thought fraze did a decent job of trying to show rather than tell, but it wasn't fresh or fun enough to topple the more stoic offering from Inno

V/inno

[Zen]

Innovator, I think you executed what a better version of what I was trying to do with my verse this week. Really great work. While the story was great, I really liked you coming back to the "sea" theme (nice use of green and red to paint the picture as well). This is VOTW from what I've read so far.

I'm not sure how I feel about your verse, fraze. Honestly I think the opening hurt you quite a bit. It was a good idea in theory to come with a lighter verse since Inno came pretty heavy, but I just don't think it was done well enough to beat him. The middle to end was much better, so who knows who I'd be voting for if you wrote that way the beginning.

V/Inno

[UnbornBuddha]

Innovator, a strong entry. Not much to say about it, I enjoyed it. I think you depicted the theme well, although the message itself was platonic. Nevertheless, it carried out its miltary duty.

Fraze: I interpreted this as a soldier who did not receive any spoil of war, instead he became disillusioned with the cause and became lost in the sea of turmoil, via mind altering substances and all other experiences that come with their ingestion. The people you meet, and their mindsets get implanted onto one's world view. I did think that the beginning wandered too much, and you spent too much time depicting the entrenchment of the narrator after the trenches, rather than time they did in the trench, which would of added some more credibility to the piece, and be less lighthearted, which I felt this piece needed, some more maturity implanted into its content.

Vote: Innovator

[Vulgar]

[I]nnovator - Poem of the week so far for me. Patiently written and there were nice nuances written into this, like aging flesh around bullet wounds, the confusion of young men, the predictability of war, these were all effective additives to this Vietnam War examination. I would've kept out the family tree part, it's been done too many times IMO. Other sections were well written and weren't condescending or imposing on belief systems. A 'poem-fits-all' technique, executed with honesty.

"to chase death and not want it, to loathe life and then cherish it.
they pleaded guilty to peace. but the guns kept judging."

Good work there!

fraze - I think one of the problems with posting rhymed verses as poetry (not like Zen's this week, but actual rap styled verses) is that they're naturally going to be so much shorter than they would be if they were topical or open mic verses. You're limiting the scope by attacking from a rhythmic angle, in my humble opinion. In a topical league, this would be like 3x as long, and come from more specific and engaging angles. This left me feeling like "okay... it was a regular anti-war piece mentioning injust treatment of soldiers." Dime a dozen, right? It had good moments with quality rhyming and writer's tone, yes. I just think that without rhythm, you could really surgically insert thought provoking material into the reader's psyche with much more stand-out flavor. If that makes sense. This was just okay.

nobody jumped ship… just look beneath the surface…
^this part was nice.

My vote goes to Inno.