ribbit vs Vulgar (Vulgar wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 2

ribbit

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Gilded Age

"Mark Twain called the late 19th century the "Gilded Age." By this, he meant that the period was glittering on the surface but corrupt underneath. In the popular view, the late 19th century was a period of greed and guile: of rapacious Robber Barons, unscrupulous speculators, and corporate buccaneers, of shady business practices, scandal-plagued politics, and vulgar display.

It is easy to caricature the Gilded Age as an era of corruption, conspicuous consumption, and unfettered capitalism. But it is more useful to think of this as modern America's formative period, when an agrarian society of small producers were transformed into an urban society dominated by industrial corporations."

"In the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word. " - Walt Whitman

[Vulgar]

Inwards

[ribbit]

In...decisive

Hush vs destroyer
Immolate vs fraze
Dr dog vs zen
Razah vs unbornbudda

[ribbit]

There's this condition that i have about my premonitions
Attribute the sickness. A preportion underneath contained.
Its baffled by the scale of its madness.
It happens to extract itself from my reactions.
Rambunctious redundancies.
No apologies its appropriate to certify that induction.
With the dramatic depressant.
Call myself exhobition its a proper bliss.
Bodies burning I'm seclusive. Its become a treatment
There decisive as a handler of valuables
Manicles alight in city late burning.
Worse definitive hannibles.
Quiet as a church mouse
Deformed entities I'm subliminally chasing.
Rig this penitentiary. Burn ya families
Didn't once renounce his favor.
I'm selfish forget this enlightened ageless shipwreck
Give in symptoms its delicate as a razor blade.

Tell the people if u think along the same lines
We who wear the crown can't deposit the result
Its abliss in the city some mammals indoctrine.
Nobody agrees. The city lights. The calm air.

Fond of my memories. Young in high school.
Age has deterred that scandle. Its device is its renewel.
To relate. To predispose. To mature.
I'm not much older. Twice my lifetime.
Ageless. Timeless. Scandalous.
I'm not trimming the procedures.
Humiliate I'm discerned forgotten world.
Arise conclusions. Arise fountain. Fountain of youth.
I hope u bear well inductions.
I hope. I love. I lie. I smile.
I've got mine. Its not happy and decides
hed rather be scrounging. He'd rather be a beggar.
I can't exclaim your ultimate fate.
But if in his deteriation. Somewhere between.
He found the meaning between his soul and the waiting.

Tell the people if u think along the same lines
We who wear the crown can't deposit the result
Its abliss in the city some mammals indoctrine.
Nobody agrees. The city lights. The calm air.

[Vulgar]

An architect waited outside of a powerful man's office at 1 in the afternoon, sketching structures in his notebook and reviewing the projected inventory of supplies that would be needed. A town landlord who looked like a beagle opened his door, and got right down to business. "When will your work be done?"

"In time for Christmas, I hope. Please tell your banker friends about me. I build properties that last. I just need the funds to do it."

The land lord, intrigued by this wild-eyed builder, saw confidence in him that he'd only seen in the most prominent construction or railroad tycoons. What was special about this man, then?

His mustache was long enough
to be smoked like a cigar -
wasn't attractive to the women in his life
yet he felt it portrayed him as honest
and not bourgeoisie

"Not only will I build it. I'll pay you to have them watch me do it."

The landlord took out his small clipboard
necessary for noting down details about pesky tenants
and fouls committed by belligerent house animals

he wrote, "A mad man, but ambitious."

The builder went on to become the "Metropolis Man"
the individual who turned the Earth into a giant city
who rendered the steam engine of mankind
re-buffered, re-destined, reshaped

[Woke]

Ribs - First off I read this shit as so fragmented, just thought weaving in and out regardless of connection to each other. Like a fast paced action flick, John Whick type shit, so this is a good thing. The problem I did come across while enjoying the read is some times it just didn't click in sync... "I'm not trimming the procedures. Humiliate I'm discerned forgotten world." I see the jumbled effect you presented. A world in a world in a world type writing. It's confusing to say the least, the style you went with here.

V - Going to be a tough vote. You too went fast paced but more direct in plain sight to the average reader then your counter part. Your verse moved swift and finished just as it began. I know you posses the potential to chop and screw this verse to the maximum enjoyment but you went short and sweet.

Ribbit


A simple reason, I took away more from his verse the more I read then from Vulgar. Ribbit's verse seemed like he was speaking from the perspective of Earth and his changes and effects and causes and yadda yadda yadda. It seemed like he went for depth while Vulgar was more eloquent, just lacked the insight as far as introspective, which I enjoy above all else.

[Razah]

I really liked this part from ribbit:

Fond of my memories. Young in high school.
Age has deterred that scandle. Its device is its renewel.
To relate. To predispose. To mature.
I'm not much older. Twice my lifetime.
Ageless. Timeless. Scandalous.
I'm not trimming the procedures.
Humiliate I'm discerned forgotten world.
Arise conclusions. Arise fountain. Fountain of youth.
I hope u bear well inductions.
I hope. I love. I lie. I smile.
I've got mine. Its not happy and decides
hed rather be scrounging. He'd rather be a beggar.
I can't exclaim your ultimate fate.
But if in his deteriation. Somewhere between.
He found the meaning between his soul and the waiting.

That whole little segment right there, stood out to me. It was simple, but the simplicity made it stand out so much more for me.

As far as Vulgar, this just didn't come off as 'poetry' to me. It felt like a little story, even though I guess stories are poetry in a sense-- I just, I don't know. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't that good to me either. I kind of feel like, *shrugs shoulders* about it.

vribbit

[Split Eight]

okay well I hope this isn't rude, but it seems as though ribbit wrote a whole bunch of things with the hope that he'd stumble upon a sentence that made sense. I think if you're pulling meaning from some of these sentences you're ignoring what the sentences are actually saying. Sometimes writers intentionally go the grammatically incorrect route, but if that was the intent here I think it hurt him. Saying he wrote something decent is analogous to saying your six year old painted a Picassso because there's no parallel lines and the proportions are all wrong.

Vulgar definitely just read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I liked the plain and straightforward descriptive statements.


Had Vulgar

[Inno]

Vote vulgar.

Tbh i didnt like either. Vulgar was on the brinl of just losing me completely
But his piece picked up and I noticed the subtle things here and there that connectec
Hos words togther and inturn connected his words to the topic. Albeit loose connection
But it waz there. I feel like V goes off in his own head and just lets the pen go with
Out consequence. Double edged sword tbh.

Rbbit i feel like you dropped some very clever lines here and there i mean tbh you
Have couple pf gems scattered through out. But you had the same problem vulgar had.
I couldnt find a connection to the topic. At all. At times it felt like your lines didnt connect
To each other. So its a bit incoherent for me. For that reason i cant give you the vote. I dont know wtf u where talking about half the time.

"Manicles alight in city late burning.
Worse definitive hannibles."
^^^^

What?

Vote vulgar

"

[Zen]

I was not feeling ribbit's verse at all. It seemed like you were trying way too hard to use way too many big words for whatever reason, and that's all that I got out of it. When someone does that it completely takes me out of the experience of reading a verse and makes it a chore instead of something that's interesting or enjoyable.

Vulgar came completely different. The language was plain and read like an opening to a chapter in a book instead of a poem. The last bit was excellent. There were a few spots were I thought you could cut out a word or two (like "noting down" to just "noting", but all in all it was solid. Nice work.

V/Vulgar

[UnbornBuddha]

Ribbit: I thought this was a bit all over the place, and some straightforwardness would have definitely helped the consumption of the material via the reader. I have no problem with the language, but at times it felt as the combination of the words were just for show instead of meaning. Also, I think there were some wording issues that made lines that would have been particularly strong into no-hitters. But, I did like some of it, it just needs to be proofread more.

Vulgar: When I think of poetry this isn't it. Now, while poetry is very fluent in its form, there are still structural boundaries that I feel it needs, so as to still be in the realm of poetry. This read more like a short story, but it was a well-written short story, and the last two stanzas were particularly humorous for me. However, seeing that this is a poetry league, I don't see this piece as equivocal and appropriate in its poetic guise.

Vote: Ribbit

[fraze]

Ribbit: A lot of multis and flow but not much was anchored in a coherent meaning. Ironically, this disrupts the flow of the verse and makes much harder to follow when reading. Poetry is most powerful to me when rhyme and imagery combine to paint the canvas of your minds eye. If you don't fine, but recognize a reader trying to find a hidden image in your colorful chaos will step away dizzy and disappointed if the piece is disjointed.

Vulgar: Interesting piece. Read like literature, which to a bookworm like me is a fruitful approach. But I think it was scosh rushed, I mean it had a lot of quotes but I found I couldn't quote much. This is the kind of delicate piece that needs a slow touch. Subtle entendre, veiled glances at meaning, then stop and leave them feigning for more... or get deep and leave them with something to ponder. I liked the defiance of rhyme in the verse, it's just the scene I wasn't fond of. A board room meeting is boring, there was room for more drama.

Vote: Vulgar - I liked the creativity of his approach, and it connected well with the topic. While I'm not even really certain what ribbits piece was about, so that makes it kind of hard to vote for him.