Week 1: Ullr vs. Timeless- ULLR WINS 8-0

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 1


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Sunday, July 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT
Monday, July 20th 2:59a.m. EST
Monday, July 20th 7:59a.m UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, July 22nd, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=96884)

TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/5Ymi642h.jpg


Good luck Ullr and timeless

[timeless]

Check

[Ullr]

Chiggity check - best of luck

[timeless]

Frequency lost, the cost of life in the microphone of the dispatcher.
But there is none. Sre the light from home. Suffering from risk factors
Eyes engulfed, edging towards an ecstatic end to your existence,
But that's not enough, more dreams shattered and you're forced to listen.
Seems as if you're wishing you'd chalk up the tiles that you walk.
Media mirror on the wall, how many miles must you fall?
Dust jammed our guns. Can't see, my hands are numb.
Barely ran, I summed up enough courage to chance my lungs.
I ran 'til I reached the horizon. Heart bleeding all iron.
Sirens in the distance fishing for an obsolete pause or false timing.

[Ullr]

http://i.imgur.com/5Ymi642h.jpg

The sons of the resistance, they're young and with persistence
their thunderous insistence - their lives the sum of the existence
of their fathers before 'em, living in peace, they never bothered to warn 'em
of days in the past and getting shot at the forum, stuffed in a box, in a coffin ad mortem
No word of the cops that'd stop and transport 'em nor the all the witnessed slaughter and horror
None of theirs sons ever running with guns, no missiles overhead, just fun in the sun.
Know they not the price of their freedom, paid for in blood with only strife there to greet 'em
but held they committed, to principles and actions, their nimble interactions to rebuild their splintered faction
rekindled in the ashes from the fists of bitter faschists.
Their sons enjoying the fruits of their labor but O' be they blind to the truth of their savior
for without the trials and the boots and the blazers there'd be hardly a world for their idle youthen behavior.
Their fathers gave their lives believing "you deserve to be safer" with prospective lives and universities paid for.
Through eternity's pale door memories stand as all that remains, the calling of change was too strong to restrain
now they fight not, their song no longer refrains. Peace in the land for their forefathers were brave.

[Split Eight]

Frequency lost, the cost of life in the microphone of the dispatcher.
But there is none. Sre the light from home. Suffering from risk factors
Eyes engulfed, edging towards an ecstatic end to your existence,
But that's not enough, more dreams shattered and you're forced to listen.

I ran 'til I reached the horizon. Heart bleeding all iron.
Sirens in the distance fishing for an obsolete pause or false timing.

I thought these were both dope. You shouldn't have signed out, I could see you gaining momentum quickly. Something about your diction and your wording is markedly different from last season, very impressive. Short and concise. Seemed to be about a soldier lost in a sandstorm, maybe not the most ambitious attempt given the topic, however good effort nonetheless.



No word of the cops that'd stop and transport 'em nor the all the witnessed slaughter and horror
None of theirs sons ever running with guns, no missiles overhead, just fun in the sun.

This was good through the first line, but 'fun in the sun' was out of place given the serious tone of the piece.


for without the trials and the boots and the blazers there'd be hardly a world for their idle youthen behavior.
Their fathers gave their lives believing "you deserve to be safer" with prospective lives and universities paid for.
Through eternity's pale door memories stand as all that remains, the calling of change was too strong to restrain
now they fight not, their song no longer refrains. Peace in the land for their forefathers were brave.
Okay, cool ending here.

I thought both verses were good. Timeless came off as less wooden with his writing, it was natural and wording was never forced. I though that Ullr did a better job conceptually, linking the top and bottom portions of the, but I will note that some of his phrasing was very off and off-canter to the rest of his verse. I thought that Ullr gave his verse a more conclusive ending, and touched on more aspects of the topic overall.

I'd have to give it to Ullr

[Razah]

Eyes engulfed, edging towards an ecstatic end to your existence,

I ran 'til I reached the horizon. Heart bleeding all iron.

I enjoyed the alliteration. Usually not a big fan of that because some people do it just for the technicality of it, but this made sense. The bleeding iron part, that just stood out so much for me.



The sons of the resistance, they're young and with persistence
their thunderous insistence - their lives the sum of the existence
of their fathers before 'em, living in peace, they never bothered to warn 'em
of days in the past and getting shot at the forum, stuffed in a box, in a coffin ad mortem
No word of the cops that'd stop and transport 'em nor the all the witnessed slaughter and horror

but held they committed, to principles and actions, their nimble interactions to rebuild their splintered faction
.

I liked the whole rhyme scheme for the first part I quoted. Also, I felt like this was a story that could actually relate to the picture. With timeless verse, I had to scroll up to see what the picture was and try to make a connection with it. Yours was more straight forward with the topic at hand, and I kind of enjoyed that.

The second part I quoted, I didn't like the rhyme scheme. I don't like how it went from 6 syllables to 4 syllables, that threw the rhythm I had off. Overall, a solid piece.

I feel like timeless wasn't as direct with the topic in hand, which can sometimes work for you, but, I don't think that was the case this time around. Solid drops from both, but I enjoyed Ullr's verse more & I felt it fit the topic better.

vUllr

[Inno]

So this was a dope battle.

Timeless

Simply put. Nicely done. You had something going here. Could of won this
Easily imho. Ran out of time? Lazyness? What ever it is it bit you this week.
Could of used more to work with.


Ullr

Great use of the picture for a base to your story. Nicely done
Aswell. Unlike timeless i feel like your verse is a bit more complete.
It gave more and i was able to distinguish a beginning middle and end.
All which read very smoothly.

Overall

Ullr got this with a more complete effort i think. Both showed up and dropped
Some heat. Feel like both held back. Good battle either way.

Ullr

[Mr. J]

Frequency lost, the cost of life in the microphone of the dispatcher.
But there is none. Sre the light from home. Suffering from risk factors
Eyes engulfed, edging towards an ecstatic end to your existence,
But that's not enough, more dreams shattered and you're forced to listen.

This opener was smoooooth, seems like you've improved a lot more
yet, you should have fleshed out the piece a bit more and involved everyone
it would have made a interesting verse had you added a bit more to it
I felt like you did a great job compared to how you used to do, that opener though
I really enjoyed how you did the dispatcher/risk factor line, that was nice
nice job

Know they not the price of their freedom, paid for in blood with only strife there to greet 'em
but held they committed, to principles and actions, their nimble interactions to rebuild their splintered faction
rekindled in the ashes from the fists of bitter faschists.

I really don't like that "know they not.." ordeal, that kind of put me off
but I feel like your verse came more according to your verse and flowed decently well
timeless came with a more exploration type of verse and yours felt...idk
it felt like you were trying to overcompensate your ideas and mesh them together
if that makes sense...regardless I feel you had a more ideal verse suiting your picture

v/Ullr, I felt like he came with a verse that had a slight edge over Timeless' piece
otherwise I felt like both of you were evenly matched and Timeless could have swept this away had he focused more
other than that...cool battle yo

[UnbornBuddha]

Conceptually I liked timeless more. And I tend to like that structural basis Timeless used more because it seems more natural and easier on the eyes. Reading is supposed to be relaxing after all, engaging but relaxing. However, it as others have pointed out. Timeless piece felt off-kilter due to its brevity, which isn't always an indication of perfunctory work. But, this time around the piece felt fragmentary, delivering only a taste of water while thirst was still present in the reader for more.

Ullr's piece was mechanically sound, but there was something about it that I found unappealing. It felt a bit dry to me, reason being, is because I felt like it lacked any climax and or action. Now, I understand this to be more like an ode, but nevertheless it still felt somewhat stilted. Also, all the limited verses I've read from you before, I notice that your scheming and cadence is different than what I'm accustomed. It exposes me to a different rhythm, which I appreciate greatly. but sometimes this rhythm does feel a bit too slow in delivering the outcome of your intended meaning. Nevertheless, I still felt yours unraveled more, presenting us with a conclusive idea that you carried out until the very end.

Vote: ULLR

[2tripple0]

Well I thought this was a disappointing battle really and I think timeless really should have taken it but like the other voters are saying it was difficult to understand how u r verse connected to your topic whereas Ullr had a more direct verse even though he was simple and his wording wad off at times...I think timeless will improve over the next couple lines and ullr got really lucky here...

Vote ullr

[Woke]

Pretty sure I know who ULLr is, if he is someone. In any case, when i read Times verse while listening to random instrumentals in the catalog, an atmosphere beat came on and breathed life to the less rhythmic but still in tune timing of his writing. I will not say I know what you going for exactly, but then when I read Ullr yet another atmosphere instrumental, god bless ANT- anyways, his too flowed on that random level just more perfected. Each of you had this train of thought that was getting away with sharp turns, quickly switching topics yet ensuing a story. Different then what I'm used to reading, but both were enjoyed. However, one was enjoyed more

Ullr

[Objective]

Timeless - I felt like your piece was about to start to become something but then it just went to a full stop. You went for the minimum requirement when it comes to lines so I don't know if you were pressed for time and just wanted to show or whatever but it's dope that someone died seeing how there's 9 people in the pic and 8 people there in real life so who knows wtf happened to the last dude. Short piece, would have loved to read more.

Ullr - Four lines in and I enjoy what I'm reading, your action packed story got my attention. Rhymescheme is cool enough as well. Decent closure to the piece. Overall though it's a bit too short for me the way you went about it, and I thought that it never really managed to gain any serious momentum.

Vote - All in all I felt Ullr had a more complete showing in this battle and due to this he snatches my vote.

[Split Eight]

Ullr wins 8-0