Week 1: Ribbit vs. Tyson- TYSON WINS 4-3

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 1


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Sunday, July 19th, 11:59p.m. PCT
Monday, July 20th 2:59a.m. EST
Monday, July 20th 7:59a.m UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Wednesday, July 22nd, 11:00p.m. PCT/8p.m. EST/4a.m. UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=96884)

TOPIC:
https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3044/2821359843_5c42f816aa_b.jpg


Good luck ribbit TYSON

[ribbit]

Checking in

[TYSON]

Feels good to be back...

[ribbit]

Together they stretched and yawned.
From a tune a breathe of misogny would spawn.
Defy the text for her effective lines that turned allergenic.
Falter its brick. a house on top its codepenant.
Separate man from his humble abode.
Elevate circuits ones that envy are crashed by my elbow.
Its oblivious to the human mind.
Had to improve my life. My farm redesigned to unify.
Lobby derision. Monetary kinsmen.
A new invention. Ya brain running miles a minute.
Ribbit peers on her youth. Its steering us in the blood.
Triumphant. Only when the sun stops shining on my mud.
Alive and well. She's a copper I haven't delight to brand.
Even without her Life will unlikely grind on bland.
It'd a perfect apocalypse. Calypto deemed eclipse.
Writing is a chore. Your not finished yet.
Its my purchase unlimited. Passion uplifted.
Predetermining echoes. Expose those following in my robes.
Meaning. Is meaning the purpose to lines.
Service a crime. Ones that defer ribbits whole life.
Ready at an end. An end is just a beginning.
Nothing to do with living. Or our print isn't tradition.


Ribbits whore. Sad as it is. I laugh for some.
But keep her saggy truth. The rap abused
Remove ya appendix. Its perfect full circle.
Not purple but a large hurdle. Keep us subtle.
Quite hype. Her frame petite. Claim redeemed.
It wasn't her best hand. But it preferred depth.
Put her finger on the external vice during her first steps.
Learn yet? She will unlikely return to her philosophy
Of meninogomy. Of still bourne focus. no company.
She's independent. I find it offensive. My lovers still frame.
Her brother the same. Their corner of age. The customer at the gate.
Shes working late. I'm afraid I'm stuck. She's tilted in the shade.
Ease in and out. Until her bodies filled up with pain.
Another way to get paid. The other pill she didnt take.
Funny how money has this control over even the hardest remainders.
If its not one thing or the other. But best believe it's always about papers.

Conclusion. Is meaning the same with nothing to define it.
The ageold question if a tree falls but no ones there to witness
I'm afraid I've opened Pandoras box. And I'm questioning myself.
Does this strengthen the text. Would this environment compell.
My lady luck. Do you know the worlds at its feet for you.
If I tossed my baby some frets would she replace it with flow.
Does she know I love her. Hiding the evidence in a cubboard
Does it even matter. Does she know her husband was murdered?
Should I bump into her one day
Tell her it's okay and turn and go the other way
I just gotta finish this bid upstate.
Told her be patient ill return just after I find an escape.
I hear them now closing the gates.
Awaiting purpose. Retaining fate. No one playing the blame game


Fin..

[TYSON]

In college I was the man on campus probably could've sponsored the school
When they recruit u im that man on that pamphlet trying to up your option to move
High school was cool but u know theses college hoes loose and know the plays
And Being the leading point the 2's a wrap the 3's at nap so I can 4 her 5 then lace the jays
But I guess theirs a price for fame, monica the soul reason I started this life I claim
Thought the ice and chain, and the stories of the pipe I slang would be something she liked the same
She was that light at the end of the tunnel shined so bright that it was endless summer
Been Chasing her for years trying to shorten the distance but she was a sprint runner
So id fuck the next down hoping they would relay the experience and she'd want the baton
But her Mentality was different, life was serious, she wanted a husband and son
And what I was on made her see what she wouldn't accept knowing she was crushing
The mac daddy of the year caught her eye and tapped her wild side but still she declines while blushing
Could I be rushing? Im used to the easy route, theres no effort involved
Didn't think the player type wouldn't get girl and plus the d super saiyan like but in spite of, her interest dissolves

Didn't finish cause I procrastinate but didn't want to no show...

[Razah]

Uh, I don't know what direction Tyson was going in, but I really didn't feel it. It felt like a battle type verse / comedy...

What I liked in Tyson's verse, as opposed to ribbit's verse, is that it rhymed a lot more.

I dunno, I really didn't like ribbit's verse either. That shit felt like poetry.

"Conclusion. Is meaning the same with nothing to define it.
The ageold question if a tree falls but no ones there to witness"

Then, you kick a verse off not even rhyming. Wasn't feeling that. But, I do feel like you actually tried to write something regarding the topic and it just felt like you 'tried' harder than Tyson. eh.

vribbit

[Inno]

Both had some misteps along the way. Ribbit like most of his work got lost
A bit in the translation. At points he went from poetic to topical which i really
Dont have a problem with . Its just gor the amount you wrote it got a bit annoying
At times. Progression ofvthe story and transitions i think are ribbits biggest problems


Tyson

This was developing into a nice little story. Reminded me a bit of love and basketball(vaguely tho lol). I thought you had a mucj more smoother flow
And read. Less jumbled thought more cohesive and progressive in your diction.
Only failt i see here is it ended to abruptly, good story could of been great if you
Would of allowed the story to develop a pace slower.

Overall i got tyson for a more cohesive story line.

[Mr. J]

This is a tough one to judge due to both verses being from different spectrum's
I really don't want to get too deep into this because I felt both have their flaws
when I started with Ribbit's verse it seemed to start well but once you threw your name in...
to tell the truth I lost interest, but I powered through to see if you'd come up with anything to really catch my eye..
unfortunately that was not the case here...

as for Tyson I felt like he really tried to mold a little something together in his short amount of time
and though it rhymed I didn't really pull anything from his verse either, the college/high school thing is cool and all
but I would have preferred to read a more fleshed out story..

and this is my issue, although both writers did what they could I felt only one of you may pass this first battle with a W

therefore I'm going to have to give it to Ribbit, although his verse had flaws he had the better attempt at working the topic to his advantage
Tyson's verse felt bland to me for the most part, although it had a more fluid use of rhyme it didn't feel like he took advantage of making a story to read
so...this goes to Ribbit

[UnbornBuddha]

Got this tomorrow.

[2tripple0]

Votes....

Ullr vs timeless
Unborn vs razah

Left feed on

Witty
Objective

[Pinot Grij]

Ribbit - I honestly had no idea what was going on here. It was all over the place. Because I see it happen so often, when I see a verse that is so abstract, then I revert to my longheld assumption that certain topicalists are just opaque for opacity's sake. As if making a verse incomprehensible somehow makes it deep and enigmatic and a puzzle worth solving. I disagree. Fuck, "calypto" and "meninogomy" aren't even words for Christ's sake.

Tyson, you suffered from what I suffered from this week, which is a mild case of who-gives-a-fuck. Some lines didn't add up for me.. the 2, 3, 4, 5 line went over my head.. and generally I thought the lines carried on a bit too long and could've been edited down for cohesion. I wish you attempted a more conclusive ending instead of it just seeming like an abrupt stop (which it kind of was). But since you had something resembling a story and a relatable story arc, I give this battle to you.

Vote -- Tyson

[Objective]

Ribbit - Try to make the first two lines poignant, something that catches the readers attention. I'd also advice trying to do the same with your last 2 lines as you want the reader to leave with the same positive feel as it went going into your piece. That said I can tell your kind of new to this so I'm going to drop some pointers as well; try to get rid of fillers or lines that doesn't say that much, a

Also, punctuation and grammar is kind of important in certain aspects of your piece with the structure you're using here. I'm mainly thinking about this couplet:
Alive and well. She's a copper I haven't delight to brand.
Even without her Life will unlikely grind on bland.
^ First line is fine, second line needs a comma or something before ''Life'' because I had to stop and read the line twice to understand what you meant. I first started reading; ''Even without her life'' and understood that wasn't right. At least a minimum is required when it comes to this in order to tell the story right to the reader without abrupt stops, everyone should strive to remove those. The better the piece flows as people read on, the better the overall impression your piece will get when it reaches the end as well. Believe it or not but that can be a determining factor when people place their votes.

Your second verse is better in that regard but I feel the sentences stretch out too much towards the end for them to do anything for me and the rhyming is a bit off.
The first two lines in the third verse doesn't rhyme or flow that well in my opinion but the concept is pretty dope. If you had spent some extra time polishing up the rhymes as well it could have been a pretty fucking dope couplet and perhaps the highlight of the battle. Love how the story seem to go together in the third verse but you've been slacking on the rhymes a bit in this piece.

If I was you I'd spend a bit more time polishing up the rhymes and the flow so it doesn't jump too much from one line to the next and remove fillers/sentences that doesn't do anything special to your piece other than dragging it out. Basically try to conceptualize what you want to go for in terms of story or whatever a little bit better and go from there, refine the story as a whole when it's written by deleting/adding lines and polish up the rhyming/flow (trying to stay within a certain syllable count like 12-16 syllables per line or something can help with that) and you'll go a long way. I have a strong feeling you're going to improve a lot throughout this season of the AOWL. Looking forward to see you grow.

Tyson - Props for showing at least. Needless to say I've definitely read a lot better from you, the only thing that's better in your piece vs. Ribbit's submission was the flow here and there. The story and long sentences didn't really do anything for me either. But ye, at least you showed.

Vote - Ribbit. A better story that could need some serious polishing as a stand alone piece in a few areas I've noted above. Tyson's verse was just there for the sake of showing so I don't feel this needs to be explained further. Ribbit takes my vote.

[UnbornBuddha]

Ribbit: The first thing that is crucial for you to begin unravel is refinement. Your verse needs to be critically examined, in terms of punctuation and all the other elements that give that pristine sheen that writers aspire for. In other words, editing. Because a lot of it comes off as nonsensical, to be honest. Now while there is an underlying theme here, it is very crassly put together. So read it out loud, not once, twice, but perhaps three. four, or five times. Also read more, so you can enlighten yourself with the clarity that words can reflect. Also, there's a crux here, the reference to yourself, which when done right it is a tool that can bring a creative edge. But, here it just came off as rather odd. Now, not to say there aren't tidbits where you don't get the ball rolling and have some real substance, but it is hidden among argot and blatter. I suggest focusing on vernacular and then building from there.

Tyson: Yours had a vague association to the topic. One pro is that it had was flow, a long winded one, but a flow nonetheless. Still you conveyed your story clearly. But, honestly I did not resonate much with the approach either. It was very uninspired and thus this feeling transmits to the reader. It was decent, not great, but average. Obviously this is conveyed by the last sentence, which you declared that you didn't finish. Now, even if you didn't finish, I think it's wise not to put it in because I as a reader do not know that you didn't finish. And it leaves a bad impression to emphasize it at the end. It also adds a further judgment on your piece, with negative implications. Nevertheless, I do feel that this verse was more poignant.

Vote: Tyson

[Split Eight]

3-3, will vote in a couple to tiebreak. Up.

[Witty]

Ribbit - first of all:

Learn yet? She will unlikely return to her philosophy
Of meninogomy. Of still bourne focus. no company.

What??? This is just one of many instances during your piece where I paused like 'yo wtf did this dude even just say?' I got a headache reading this shit, it's so scatterbrained and so stop/start, I honestly didn't know what the fuck was going on, you need to focus more on making sure what you write makes sense man, because a lot of this just really didn't, and I'm not trying to be an asshole but in order for you to cut it out of your writing, you gotta be told. The thing that fucks me up is you have really solid mechanics at times, and glimpses of top quality topical writing, but then it just falls apart and I'm left wondering wtf just happened. Is English your first language? If not, it's understandable, but yo...you have potential for sure, but you HAVE to focus on ensuring your shit makes sense, or you won't win battles in this league.

Tyson - you can do better than this, the lines were a little stretched and the flow was awkward, you at least told a comprehensible story tho, it wasn't to my taste but by no means bad, you wrote it clearly and there was some type of narrative that was easy to follow. Not feeling it a lot but it was decent, shorten your lines up tho and be more creative with the topic given and I think you'll have a lot to offer this league.

Tyson won this easily for me.

[Split Eight]

Tyson wins 4-3