Week 4 Contender's Match: Rakontur vs. Gina (Rakontur wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 4

Rakontur Gina

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Choose your topic from the Topic Thread.

[Gina]

In

[Woke]

You've been around the block?
I've been around the globe
sniffing powdered isotopes
To a dome, dwindled to a catacomb
Willingly, binging all alone,
Strumming of a lung
What a vibrant saxophone
Where each rip rifts the water in the bong to hum along

inhaling primal bone
exhale vernacular hidden in a poem
Read between the lines I snort dry
Synapse relapse – Collapsed syntax
A fine course – sublime snort
Crushed and ground – A fine coarse
Melt a face off
the taste will leave you with days lost...

As I paint a way wrought
Notice the trade mark
Track the graveyard
Displaced shards
Chasing Lucy up my arm
To the vein scars
I can change now
but why?
I beg for change and live life.
It's the bare necessities infesting me
Dragon chasing, catching, leaving meat festering
Prick of skin dance, what a romance
The needle moves but no crowds swarm
However, creating revered articulate art forms...
Lets just call the kettle black
and inject the tar in my armored tracks





















http://static.gamesradar.com/images/mb//GamesRadar/us/Games/C/Condemned%202%20Bloodshot/Everything%20Else/condemned%20obs--screenshot_large.jpg

[Gina]

The one with guns I suppose.

[Gina]

I armed myself with steal nerves and the will to kill.
With two ak-47's to back what I feel:


Murderous intent and complete contempt, planning to make them all kneel, or lie dead in the battlefield.


I wield my weapons in plain view.


I resent their attempt to take my freedom.


The colorful way they package empty reason.


I want their deaths to be just as vibrant.


Their lies to see no more triumph. So I suited up, defiant.


Let them bleed. Let them morn, let them rot. I will scatter their ashes in the sea. Let them rest with the Trident king.


My soul, was vibrating with determination and urgency.
Hatred burning me to the core.


Well no more.


No more of their white jesus. The absurdity of fair skinned hebrews.


No more biting the hand that feeds you. We built your Sodom and Gomorrah: the headquarter of your evils.


And if I can not reach the deceivers, I will settle for ridding the world of complacent believers.


Being trapped on this planet, constantly at the mercy of another.


These vultures have stolen our culture. Boxed us in a different dimension, until the reality became something we couldn't conceive of.


We pray, for someone to free us. But we are strong, and able. Our maker gave us the tools to free ourselves.


Well...


I say no more.


I fight for the future of my seed. Not bothering with stealth. I am coming.
Before it's too late to go forward.


I have come to play war.

[Gina]

I can't add the pic at school, but it's the colorful one with guns.

[Dope girl]

I enjoy reading both, both had meaningful and stronger verse.
RAK MORE CREATIVE THAN GINA

VOTE Rak

[Objective]

Rakontour - dope approach to the pic you chose, enjoyed the set up and great rhyming. But you lose a lot of points with the Lucy line, it ruined the piece for me when it comes to whether or not the character you built was believable cus you don't shoot Lucy (or LSD) up your arm, at least it's just as rare/weird/different as chasing a psychedelic instead of heroin/meth. I mean... even acid heads says it's rare and you're better off dropping it... Beside of that shit was sound.

Gina - Not showing off as much when it comes to the rhymescheme but the story is on point and fits the pic well. Dope execution.

Vote - I can see Rakontour taking this but his story didn't quite fit with me, mvgt Gina.

[2tripple0]

Okay well I felt like rank took this Gina was alright but I enjoyed ranks topic more and felt like I could relate to the druggie lifestyle that he painted in his verse Gina on the other hand was very scatter brain...I enjoyed ranks structure better and found gins layout to be very simple and not on target with her flow..and I realise this is the poetry league but I felt more embellished towards ranks approach even though I was a little did saponin ted with the direction he took his verse considering what the picture Was that he used...aye so all in all...

Vote/rank

[Inno]

inhaling primal bone
exhale vernacular hidden in a poem
Read between the lines I snort dry
Synapse relapse – Collapsed syntax
A fine course – sublime snort
Crushed and ground – A fine coarse
Melt a face off
the taste will leave you with days lost...


So this piece won the battlw for from rank. I mean the woven rhymes and slick
Phrasing was just dope to read. I enjoyed the story aswell though it got a bit too abstract
And some points. You did manage to keep it togther long enough. Really really liked your diction in this piece, i thought it was vital to the angle or approach to tried, it fit lol. You took the picture and captured very well within your words.

Gina

I feel like you lost that poetic voice in this one. Ive read your open mics
And this feels like an open mic. Cant realy feel that poetic voice that
Makes a poem a poem. To me at least. Plus the format, why the fuck would
You post like that? Takes away from the focus which should be your writing.
I only mention that because i dont see how that formatt benefits your writing.
Anyway my biggest issue was that it felt like a topical and not a poem. Other than
That i was diggin the story alot.

I got rakontour taking this one with a more poetic sound piece. Loved his diction


Rakontour

[Vulgar]

Rakontur - I'm going to say there were some interesting developments here. Deconstructing the figments of crackhead's imaginations, showing their metaphorical musings, tracking their motives, gauging their potential to see what they're actually doing vs. living in a reality suited to their habitual drug-taking. The language moved forward stylishly as well, with a sense of knowing, like you are knowledgeable about the ins and outs of these regimes of thought and street culture. Yes, street culture.

Gina - The beginning to the empty reason line - tight. And the last line I liked too. The whole middle section was wack to me. It just sounded like the usual tired, recycled stuff you'd hear at an open mic night. Nothing new being offered. However, the beginning was going good. I think you have a sharp command over your language. It's not that I'm against being passionate about racial injustice; if it's done well, like Ras Kass did in "Nature of the Threat" which popped into my head - I'm all for it. Original undertakings. This one was okay.

My vote goes to Rakontur.

[UnbornBuddha]

Rakontur: You crafted a metaphorical portrait of a heroin addict. To be perfectly honest, I enjoyed it very much so. I myself have seen various of my loved ones fall victim to this drugs, their lives ruined, but their hearts lifted by the serenity it falsely provides. I feel that many people don't understand the mind of addicts, we are quick to judge them, but never try to understand the biochemical and psycho-neurological reasons for their willingness to give everything up for it. Here, you depicted the exhilaration and the esoteric significance to something viewed so corporeal, socially at large. There were a few gripes, though, I felt sometimes the poetic language synthesized with the scientific terminology sometimes muddied the waters, and this is coming from a person who does this a lot. But, try to have a balance between them. Nevertheless, an excellent verse.

Gina: First thing, I didn't like the structure. I mean it's separated, perhaps, because you wanted to emphasize the separation this character feels. This character who is sick of the "man pushing him down", the systematic basis that keeps him or her on a level of mental impoverishment. Truthfully, though, I felt the verse was a bit too platonic. Yes, racism exists and it's an ongoing problem, but add a creative twist to it, because the language you use is quite strong, however it is being used on a concept that is too typical. While, socially this is an important issue, in the realm of creative writing, you have to be more creative in the approach. Something readers do not see much, I mean its not always possible, but strive for it.

Vote: Rakontur