Week 4: Objective vs. UnbornBuddha (UnbornBuddha wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 4

Objective UnbornBuddha


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Choose your topic from the Topic Thread.

[UnbornBuddha]

Affirmative

[Objective]

In!

[Objective]

http://www.featureshoot.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Thomas_Peschak_05.jpg

In such a day when clouds are gone -
you better seize the day!
In other words you lose out on fun
unless you make your play.

Away he went with what he loves
upon the open sea.
Among seaguls, away from doves,
is where he's feeling free.

He paddles on and on and on
and that's his way of life.
His hobby is what makes him strong,
no taxes, stress or strife.

Nothing here goes out of hand,
'cus this is his domain.
Nothing ever goes as planned,
the man is but to blame.

A shark approaches slow, then fast.
Oh shit; he's pretty fucked!
Luckily it just went past,
or else it would have sucked.

[UnbornBuddha]

https://s-media-***he-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/b9/00/d6/b900d63b92607798edbee61f732064f1.jpg

Remember the magic school bus?
Well, it derailed into apocalypse
As the driver swerved into bliss.
The road to nirvana-
Is paved by a drunkard's thoughts.
Some call this feeling the abyss,
Because in this state you exist to love-
Transcending the grief you hope to stop.
While those around you are covered in moss
Their lives taken by the potion you took.
But, any ode isn't enough to portray this
You can't express the dead's emotions in books.

The only thing that remains of us
Is the memory of being hugged
Before setting off, into that bus.
Why did this happen? I think...
God loves to hear ghosts sob.

[2tripple0]

Okay this battle was close... on the one hand objective came across straightforward and write a verse about a surfer or jet skier who comes in contact with a shark...he also used a clever abab cdcd rhyme scene which was tight throughout the piece on the other hand unborn Buddha wrote an abstract piece about a magic school bus...It was neat and short however and I enjoyed the topic and thr piece was subtle and interesting to read...so imo I felt unborn took this based on the fact that his verse was a stealthier piece that kept me engaged whereas I think objective was a bit boring at times because he wasn't as complex and I think that hurt him when I read his flow

Vote...unbornbuddha

[Woke]

I enjoyed the scheme from OB, even though it's a common flow that doesn't jump off the screen, it did the trick. Solid imagery throughout, I thought the narrator was explaining the shark the entire time, as he was on a leisure trip on a great day. That would have been a far better angle then just finishing with he passed me by. No real culmination to say the least.

Buddha took a different route here, not so much knowledge and introspective themes, more just a story weaved. I liked this verse but feel like it could have benefited from a slight more emotion sprinkled into it. As far as the imagery, I can see the drunkard and the kids being hugged and kissed before the field trip begins.

This is a tough vote for me so I'm going to talk it over right here and decide. While I didn't mind the simplistic flow in the first verse because it was executed with attention to detail, I also didn't like the ending much at all. As I read these again I picked up on a lot more from Buddha, the entire first stanza after the first bar was just raw imagery explaining who the drunk is and the emotions or explanation to WHY. Which was the big one for me, it felt more like a complete verse here.

Buddha

[Inno]

Dope battle

Objective

Man you had something dope going here. Simply smooth wasy flow
And read. Despite that i felt like you where driving towards a deeper
Meaning. Like its starts off describing the power or command he has
Over the sea, how hes master of that domain. Thay ladt stanza was really
Dope. I wish you would elaborated a bit more on that last stanza. I feel like
You missded a chance to write some epic shit.

Buddha

Ok so i liked the angle you took in describing the bus. Thw pic doesn't really show much
But captured it very well. Telling a story beyond the picture(creative take) weaving a tale of
Misfurtune and the decisions of other ans how they effect the people around them. Dope. But thats not what i liked about this piece. I like the whimsical feel this has. Your diction described an almost fairytale like story in nature, all while telling a deeper meaning at the same time. Very nocely done brah.

I think i got buddha takimg this with a more interesting story to the topic.
Dope battle indeed.

Buddha

[Vulgar]

Objective - lol. Firstly, I found the cadence and syllabic flow to be on point. Well done there. The outcome was a lighthearted take, giving off storybook vibes for children's tales. Some key improvements could be made during the construction of this, though it's not something you can't learn to identify and react to yourself, with time. Good job, it was a satisfying submission.

UnbornBuddha - Your poem struck me as gun shy this week. No doubt, you had your hands and fingers on the dials, but for me, you didn't conjure a significant "message" this week. I couldn't seem to grasp hold of the notions you were expressing. On second read, it's a little sad, a drunk bus driver causing the death of numerous people. The first line was jarring with the immediate mention of the topic. I probably did the same thing this week though, so I can't talk.

My vote goes to Objective. He was more precise, I feel.