Week 2: Ribbit (0-1) vs. Mr. J (1-0)- Mr. J wins 3-2

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck ribbit Mr. J

[Split Eight]

Topic:
"When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. But when I've finished, if the solution is not beautiful I know it's wrong." F. Buckminster Fuller

[2tripple0]

I'm afraid of rejection and I ignore advice. So when I throw the dice,
Like asking someone out. It's not even a gamble since women abhore my type.
And when I sign online and request friendship. They require two dollar a day payments.
Even my lawyer thinks I'm ugly. He rejects my defense and calls it the dirty orphan arrangement.
I might as well become black listed. Popping pills like Keith legger and my face keeps slipping.
And if I'm collecting calls it's only cuz my image is so bruteful that no one asks for my digits.
On the low though I'm about as welcome as radioactive waste and treated like a slave.
They'd have to pass a new law to ban me from my freedom conceiving legislate.
In front of the polls the entire female population found my nsa request offensive .
Since my lines erratic like I'm all over the place. none of them were authentic.
Even Palestinians would cease fire cuz I'm worse than a paedophile.
Kicked out and banned from so many clubs that my appearance expired for ages for being too volatile.
Even when I signed up to netcees. I'd never find a partner for the tag team
Everyone would front like my contract wasn't deemed legible since I'm right at the impact of a crash scene
Even in Greece if I offered them a bail out for those bankrupt.
I'd ask for a reply but when approaching them they'd become blind by how bad my face fucked.
Homie I'm bugging and stiff as fuck. Maybe I should just give it up.
I mean on the real even my girl rejects me when I'm just hoping my dick get sucked.




18.

[Mr. J]

As it sinks in, it resembles the tragedy of natural disasters
a wave that has swept away questions I can't actually answer.
drowning in repugnance, grasping for life. yielding nothing
the moment slips by. the force that it deals is crushing.
gasping for air, yet the impression that it leaves is obvious..
thrown off course, consumed in a stream of consciousness
my muse, who chooses to react in a very simple nature
she asks for little favors, and goes where the ripples take her
where her soul wanders, my eyes do the same, consumed
happiness reigns supreme, this is about the time pain concludes
her touch is an aphrodisiac, an addiction that's hard to kick
a barrier that keeps us further from answers, very far from it..
our hearts depict the rush of life. & the growth all the same
what springs from our vacations is everything Fall can claim
my polar opposite when in sight, or thought, clouds the question
when she answers it's much easier to denounce perception
a calm, a balance, the foundation to this very frame..
therefore I can only hide in beauty to discuss the beauty..of Mary Jane

[Woke]

Triple - WTF man, don't off yourself for real. You might not know me, but we are PR and you have improved. I read last weeks verse and enjoyed it, this had some strange steps including a topic that simply can not be executed on an elite level because it reads as you crying beggin for help. BUT...overall, you are transitioning from this drug overdose type of theatrical play and evolving into a bit of a story teller in the more linear sense. I can't imagine you matching the record you had in the previous RHYME, you are vastly improving and that is enlightening to see. Next time write from a less depressing perspective


J - Well the concept was spot on and you executed it clean. At first read it's tough to see the angel, but after the first read the focus sets in and you words marinate the lungs. I don't think there is much to debate here as you had the higher energy, better concept and more well rounded flow overall. I will say that at times it could have read as stale in terms of flow, but the actual meaning behind the rhymes stood true, stood their ground and produced necessary meaning, so I have no complaints. Very topical with grand executed in such a nature that I might as well go and partake.


MR J

[Razah]

I'm going to call you Ribbit because it's easier to type out.

What's up with this verse?

I don't know if you were serious or just wrote some quick shit, but the whole netcees/tag tournament shit made me chuckle. Came out of no where. Anyways, as far as the verse, I kind of feel like you can write better, you just haven't found your niche or learned how to expand on a concept. Once you figure all that out, I think you'll be able to come up with some out of the box type shit.

Mr J, solid verse. There's a few people in this league who have several mechanics of writing already down. You're one of them. This verse was decent. I enjoyed reading it, like I said, solid verse.

vMr J

[asylum]

2tripple0- I didn’t find this piece amusing at all. However, your mechanics were somewhat there. So you know how to rhyme, but just threw a giant pity party. I did not enjoy it. Side note: just act like you are attractive and you will get some pussy. seriously.

Mr. j – cool piece. Matter of fact, I’m gonna have to go blaze one up after reading it. You were kinda bouncing around a bit, just having fun because you knew you would win. Favorite lines..
my muse, who chooses to react in a very simple nature
she asks for little favors, and goes where the ripples take her

/v Mr. J – took this in every way one could possibly win.

[Inno]

Ok so i think ama go with ribbit on this one

Mr j this was solid all around. I liked the angle you took towards
The end. It felt complete and i was satisfied like a fat girl with cake.
Though compared to your other pieces this was ok.

Ribbit

this felt personal lol. That is good. This verse is probably your best piece
Ive read from you on here. Great emotion, good flow and you kept the theme
Clear and to the point. Dope shit to be honest man. You should probably write like
This more often.

Overall

Ribbit gets my vote for a better angle to the topic. J had a good one too bit
I felt ribbit added just a tad bit more with the personal tone his piece had.
More gripping lol.

Ribbit

[UnbornBuddha]

Tripple: Your wording is much better, I applaud you. I knew you were capable of being able to command more clearly your words, it's just a matter of editing, as I told you before. However, your take on the topic is somewhat disenchanting, wouldn't you agree? However, the emotion is there and it feels raw, so it has this gritty feeling to it. Now, I can't say I relate exactly, but you made me feel the experience and feel empathy for this character, so it has connectivity. But, I still think you should work on your wording and clarity, I mean it's a lot better, yet keep working on editing and reciting out loud your verses so everything is more clear and smooth. This process is paramount for you to reach the next level. Also, your lines are really long with no internal rhymes in between, basically there is little rhythm. Be more concise.

Mr J: Yes, the writing is more refined than your opponent here, but the topic to me has been done to death. There's all this songs, in which marijuana is spoken about metaphorically as a woman, and so many other personifications that are too platonic to even mention. While, I don't have a gripe with the writing, I can't say I vibed with the direction, like I said it's too predictable.

Vote: 2tripple0