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View Full Version : Week 5 Championship: Innovator vs. Rakontur (Rakontur wins)


Vulgar
07-27-2015, 02:16 AM
LGPA Season 1: Week 5

Innovator Rakontur


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Choose your topic from the Topic Thread.

Good luck.

Woke
07-27-2015, 02:52 AM
~The Mirror Defect~





Sweet Lily Pad, so young and confused
Bruised psyche, aplomb yet aloof
Cunning and vindictive – still,
Angelic at her root
Peel back each layer -
Inhale her, sweet tangerine
A bright star once,
But now her candle weans
Follow this... Path of betrayal
It's abrupt yet frail
Caught between a rustic trail
A knife and smile where blood sets sail
A dignified spirit sputters free
Tail winds where a final breathe is fluttering
Morbid percussion – Melodic crux of peace
She goes about each day methodically
On the outside, she's Happy Jubilee
Smiling constantly
But a creased cheek hides her feelings in obscurity
Once a beacon of light shone
Her essence made the sun beam seam night grown
She walked among her acolytes
Subordinates subdued by a simple serpent slide
Scintillating, masquerading, berating
But I knew her for her faults
The lines devouring her every ounce of gall
An ethereal sadist – A virtuoso masochistic
Serenading intrinsic, every pierce – Orgasmic,
Infringing Cataclysmic
Teetering from the edge
A single breath or caress
Could leave her life bereft, hugging death
Every story has a finish line
As it happens so does mine
Dripping past the checkered flagellation
A court of accord – Wrongful adulation
Of course shes adored, her thong gropes at elation
But a butter knife is a sword, stopping ventilation









http://i.imgur.com/eYQDgDT.jpg

Inno
08-01-2015, 11:24 PM
Circus

Heres a joke,

The clown made a fool of himself
No one laughs.
With heart in hand and his soul
Bursting out his chest.
The fool pours out his dignity
like sweat from a hot summers day.
A slave to the stage
chasing chains of laughter.

Helium filled nights
Big top dreams spiraling themes.
a childish scene
Letting the smiles gleem.
Amidst the hypocrisy of it all
He sinks into irony
A sad smile with a welcoming grin.
Inviting eyes with an iron fist
A royal jest
All jokes aside hes a prince.
Heir to a choked thrown
Lungs flying in the wind-
Breathing melancholic breezes.
He holds court among the smiles
as they judge his every move
Stripping each layer of each joke
Until the punchline bleeds.
Against the lights
He hides inbetween the routine
Losing himself with each bit.
Forever lost to himself.

2tripple0
08-02-2015, 03:23 PM
Okay this was easily botw for me so far from what I've read.. I thought you both went similar directions by writing a sort ve autobiography style one of a dancing girl and two of a clown doing a repertoire..Both were well written and thought out...They also stuck to the topic very well and I thought it was a nice twist hoe both of y'all tried to keep a positive vibe in your verses...Unfortunately I've got to pick a winner and I guess for me rakantors was a bit more complex while inno was a bit easier to read. ..and since I felt like they were both similar in some senses I actually think complexity took this battle and that's why rakantor gets my vote. .just more depth to his story I felt plus clown stories have been done to death..lol even tho I use that topic as well

Vote...rakantor

Destroyer
08-03-2015, 12:03 AM
these were dope but rak just killed it
amazing grasp of vocabulary, rhyme, alliteration,
I liked the stories you both weaved equally
I thought inno's ended better, but rak just overall painted a more vivid picture with his words

good shit gentlemen

v/rak

UnbornBuddha
08-03-2015, 12:25 AM
Rakontur: First thing I must state is that your poetry and your rap verses are inseparable in form and function. Their structures does not differ one bit. Which is not necessarily a good thing nor a bad thing. But, it does lend the question of your versatility, in adapting your writing depending on what kind of writing you are doing. Anyway, to proceed with the verse at hand. I thought it was superb, and I enjoyed it. I interpreted it as a girl unveiling what's beneath her outer exterior by looking into the depths of her innermost veil, which revealed something dark, something most thought not her. A nice verse, it seems your style lends itself well to poetry since it is so swift, fluid, and layered upon itself.

Innovator: I enjoyed yours, albeit it was more simple. But, you did a good job at portraying this finer elements and nuances. I especially found amusement in the last stanza. This was about a clown who has in a way lost himself, for the sake of entertainment. He has become an entity others use for laughs, and while he enjoys this, there is a part of him that slowly dwindles and fades away. Perhaps, because playing the fool and participating in buffoonery has casted his heart's might aside, leaving only residues of it that slowly permeate into oblivion. Or something along those lines. However, I did think the premise was a less chancy than Rak's, and while you pulled it off well, I thought it could have been further dramatized, and shaped into something more awe-inspiring.

Vote; Rakontur

Vulgar
08-03-2015, 08:57 PM
Rakontur - Good usage of poetic language from beginning to end. You approached this from a very melodic and symbolic standpoint. I had a hard time finding it 'gripping' though, as if there was some knot in the communicability of it as a whole. It seemed to be about our dark side tagging along, biding its time to show itself in our daily endeavors, in this poem's case, a woman.

Innovator - Cool concepts sprinkled throughout this and good command over the somber tone. Some of the narration/pacing in the second stanza was a bit botched, don't think it came out smooth. I didn't get the feeling that the ending did the beginning justice. Reminded me of Robin William's depression - the emptiness a comic or an entertainer feels after awhile.

Vote - Rakontur