Week 3: Asylum 0-1 vs. Innovator 1-1 [Inno 3-1]

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Full rules Here

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848

TOPIC:
TBA


G/Luck

asylum

[Adonis]

Topic: Fading Horizon

[Inno]

In

[asylum]

In

[Inno]

One small step….

Promises between the lines led to an ominous decline.
Solace was divine that’s where the honest went to refine,
reprise an revise remaking the device steady breaking the sky.
The clouds heavy with rust, the rains poured heavy on the dust.
The grass passed its prime, the trees pale down to the grain
never mind the leaves

Promise of the future left a wanting of now to resonate
to reverberate so a better foundation can cultivate.
But they over bait the fish and overstate their debate
over why its extinct.
A popular notion to populate with disgrace
misplaced ambitions dictates the pace
Fastlanes and airplanes, not bass lanes and grass plains
just glass stains, headaches and coffee grains
The hypocritical think alike until they reach that brink
disturbing that perpetual bliss, refurbishing natures kiss.
Replacing the flesh to place first in the rat race's chase.
Promises of the future with billion gig computers
the limit of the skies and million men commuters.


What then when nature refuses?
Soon the water is parched and the roots start to curr
thirst through the blur of rusty rain spurts.
Each leaf still hurt.
The branches still curling against an endless fog- it’s a sport.
While they resort to the easiest course, a race with one horse
a purpose with no recourse lost of all remorse.
The heavens await no one, the volcanoes rich in purse
paving over consumption, a concept many endorse.

But mother nature keeps it course, always self cured
The leaves hurt but still endure
Between the concrete cracks they plan there escape
Towards the sun and out a brittle landscape
enduring the hurt that brings them grief.
But theres only but so many chances to take defeat
Digital casinos paving grass into c-notes
Wishing the trees grow eternal coast to coast
But always betting against the odds.


…hopes cost.

[asylum]

Eyes close and shut as part of the impending problem.
Addendums never tend to solve ‘em, as the door revolves and stores the contents.
Adding amendments, like we’re in attendance to the nonsense we’re fed.
Maybe some other vital organs absorb these foreign contents inside big aggras bed,
don’t stray too far from the truth.
Lots’a dots get criss crossed, but that’s lost in the news.
Just use up the time your allotted and cruise, forget thoughts that you knew,
they thought what you’d see have no connection, no time for reflection,
but this plot’s consumed.
weighing in the endless scene that seem to blends the beams into sheets of grey,
can it be their bottoms show repeated names on mailboxes across aristocracy way?
Who said we’re pawns?..
Who says the dawn comes after night, and the skies blue from the ocean, those are notions,
these solvents dissolve our world’s problems.
our only options to oxidize all pests and vermin. These tests confirm it.
I stay blind, can’t forget the way shine opens the veins to let in the white lightning.
Tried crying, yet stay frightened, far away from enlightened, living in disillusion.
Fed from a hamster bottle of ill reputed key witnessed convoluted corporate opinions,
on it I suckle, forming my own dwarfed supportive decision.
Conformative vision ignores forewarned shores envisioned by swarms of petitions,
While their decisions are assured as true by those engorged by society’s normative “living.”
let me ask you, "in the end, who’s forgiven?"

[Razah]

Hmm. I feel like Innovator had a more well rounded verse.

Also, it was a lot smoother for me to read. I prefer simplicity in verses. I "rap" these verses out loud, so when bars get too wordy it throws the whole flow off for me. I'm glad we all have an extensive vocabulary, and, that's great and all, but sometimes I get the feeling people use certain words to make a line 'pop' more, sometimes it works well, sometimes it doesn't.

I felt like that about a majority of asylum's verse. It was a good verse, but a little too wordy for my liking. With that being said, I'm going to give this vote to Innovator. His verse was just real smooth to me.

Both of you guys had dope verses, I just liked Innovator's better.

vInnovator

[Mr. J]

Soon the water is parched and the roots start to curr
thirst through the blur of rusty rain spurts.
Each leaf still hurt.
The branches still curling against an endless fog- it’s a sport.
While they resort to the easiest course, a race with one horse
a purpose with no recourse lost of all remorse.
The heavens await no one, the volcanoes rich in purse
paving over consumption, a concept many endorse.

I enjoyed your whole verse Inno, but I loved the fuck out of this section
the way that you connected it with the previous section is really slick as well
you really have the ability to detach your verse & reconnect it as you go
it makes for a smoother verse in my head, and makes it an enjoyable read altogether
I feel like the strongest point for you was your beginning, the ending felt like it needed more
but other then that I feel like you delivered a well rounded verse my dude...

Asylum, you strike me as a really nice writer, but this kind of threw me off

Adding amendments, like we’re in attendance to the nonsense we’re fed.

^^^
what the hell was that? I felt like you were on a roll with those opening lines
but that switch up was just uncalled for towards the end of that line
had you not set the tone as you did in the beginning I would have brushed it off
yet this feels like it stole from your steam, changing the direction so suddenly is bad...
or at least bad in my head, I find it easier to just toy with each line before I write it
in fact that's why I take so long to drop sometimes, I edit each line until it becomes smooth
you have to think of your lines as a puzzle of some sort, a very small puzzle with each word broken apart
you have to use the preciseness of a surgeon to thoroughly draw upon your inspiration
anyway..

Fed from a hamster bottle of ill reputed key witnessed convoluted corporate opinions,
on it I suckle, forming my own dwarfed supportive decision.
Conformative vision ignores forewarned shores envisioned by swarms of petitions,
While their decisions are assured as true by those engorged by society’s normative “living.”
let me ask you, "in the end, who’s forgiven?"

now that was dope, if you had kept this up throughout the entire piece while using that intro to your advantage you would have taken this no problem.


v/I felt both came correct as far as their interpretations on the topic
I really enjoyed the shit that asylum did, I felt he was kind of iffy at times though
the beginning felt like a stumble but he eventually found his mark and kept going
Inno came with a lighter note on the subject but still did quite well as far as the flow of the story goes
he made the flow of his piece come off as natural as one could make it and quite poetic
regardless one of you has to overcome the other...and....


I feel like Inno took this one due to his consistency
asylum seems capable of writing a dope story but his slip ups outweighed his work as a whole
nice battle fella's

[UnbornBuddha]

This was a nice battle.

Innovator: Very rich in imagery, laden with images that describe the course of nature influenced by nature itself and the perpetual workings of humanity working against it, it almost gives off the essence of various aspects of nature's decay. One thing I will say is that you rhymed a lot, but many times you forsook clarity for the sake of an internal or end rhyme, and honestly I think that's a hefty risk considering that the rhymes were quite simple, syllabically speaking. Still, a nice showing.

Asylum: This week your verse felt more jumbled than your last verse. And I usually like to just base my opinion on the showing of this week, but I loved that verse of yours from last time, problem it was a bit short. Here, the length is fine, but you became a tad too eager to saturate every line with complicated wording that it made it somewhat distracting. Not to say, you should dumb down your verse, I for one like reading rich work, but your language has to employed at the right instances, if not it becomes too rich, and hard for the reader to taste the flavor of what you originally were aiming for. But, you did have some great lines, as well, your last 5 lines were excellent. An exposition on conformity, and the ways different social backgrounds justify themselves to be able to find solace in the way they think, and therefore live, and act.

This is actually a hard vote, But, I'm going to go with the individual that kept lucidity in their mind, while writing.

Vote: Innovator

[2tripple0]

Okay I thought quite the opposite of the other voters. I thought it was inno who dropped with too many words instead if asylum. Asylum had incredible vocabulary and I liked his take on the topic rather than innos who I thought was tougher to read on the whole. This was a good battle like the other voters are saying. I just seen the outcome a little different than the others so yeah I'm going with asylum on this one....

Vote---asylum

[Adonis]

Inno wins

Gets contender spot.