Week 3: 2Tripple0 0-2 vs. Razah 1-1 [Razah 4-0]

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Full rules Here

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848

TOPIC:
TBA

G/Luck

Razah
2tripple0 ribbit - Please pick a primary account to post on moving forward so MODS know who to tag. Thank you sir

[Adonis]

Topic: Darkness at Noon

[2tripple0]

Here

I'll be using this account hence forth

[Razah]

word.

[2tripple0]

Darkness at Noon

Aluminium tin covered the time machine
tight obscene thermals kept my spine serene.
After shock from the rocket as it lift off.
I patted my bruises as I bent it the tip spun
all the way around the ships cockpit
The travellers spent time in pairs like a tulip.
Day and night would blend like screwdrivers.
and in the historic whirlpool they engulfed sanitizers.
riding the vessel while in hiding embezzled his life support.
invent it's intention as we raised it once every fortnight.
but this invention was living but living a short life.
So the people on the ride came warning us of the outcome.
While back home on planet earth. They cheered and awaited.....


the darkness at noon.

[Razah]

Catastrophe is here- No countdown for the chaos
The world was bright, like they sketched it out with crayons
Now- Praying for a glimpse of light for the years that we cried
But, the world's as dark as all the tears from the sky
As the world unravels & we're saving the strands
I can't help but picture the souls engraved in the land
- Struggle finding a spark, so many lives that we lost
Dead or alive, we both live our life in the dark
Too late to debate, no time for the past; pitch black
The greatest of artists couldn't visualize all the wrath
We all remember the day, wait, it was actually night
Silence was heard and we all seen the flash in the sky
The Earth crumbled beneath it, almost shattered to pieces
We just took it for granted, knowing we actually need it
The end of time gets closer, I get lost in the moon
Billions of years in the blink of an eye, now it's darkest at noon

[Mr. J]

Day and night would blend like screwdrivers.
and in the historic whirlpool they engulfed sanitizers.
riding the vessel while in hiding embezzled his life support.
invent it's intention as we raised it once every fortnight.
but this invention was living but living a short life.

Ribbit, I felt like this was one of your better outings as of late
seems like you are letting loose finally and aren't overcompensating
with that being said, I enjoyed how that quoted section above blended together
this seems more natural of you, short bursts of ideas always brings more to the table
while trying to write out a paragraph on one idea seems to effect you in a negative way
this of course is not one of those moments I enjoyed your presentation here..

Catastrophe is here- No countdown for the chaos
The world was bright, like they sketched it out with crayons
Now- Praying for a glimpse of light for the years that we cried
But, the world's as dark as all the tears from the sky
As the world unravels & we're saving the strands
I can't help but picture the souls engraved in the land

this was an interesting take on the concept, I enjoyed it as well
I feel like you are one of the better up & coming writers around town
well I guess you aren't necessarily new but you have a real smooth flow
it works to your advantage as well & you incorporate it into your pieces nicely
with as much time as you had left I would have liked to see more as well
I didn't really like how you ended this, the wording seemed kind of off
but Ribbit went for the same idea by ending it in the same format, so I cannot hate..
plus I did that as well...ha...either way this was a dope piece brah...

v/This one is actually tough, I really enjoyed both concepts
where Ribbit lacked in smoothness Razah picked up and kept it moving
but Ribbit still came with a dope piece that made me feel idk happy
it's nice to see both writers go at a set limit and execute their own take on an idea
ribbit came more descriptive than usual, while Razah came more poetic in my mind...
ehhhhhhh I think I'm going to have to go with Razah
I feel like he delivered the full package, but this could go either way in my eyes
dope battle fella's



v/Razah

[UnbornBuddha]

2Tripple0: I liked the concept you went with. Some of the metaphors were kind of odd though, like talking about a time machine and the voyage within its confines and then bringing up a tulip. I know it's a simile, but choice of language is important, there needs to be coherency in the ideas, and relationship with the words involved, if not one must convince the reader there is through whatever means. Also, I think you are improving quite well, and I would suggest as simple suggestion to make your reading more fluid, add some commas within sentences, so to separate two dissimilar ideas. A nice showing though. I liked it.

Razah: This was more different than the approach and narrative voice you have taken in the past. Simplicity is still your go to weapon, and your good at expressing yourself in a clear concise manner. However, you never really present anything conceptually that boggles the reader, not because you can't, but because you stray away from using complexity as your ally. Nevertheless, you always write something memorable, although not because its mind-boggling, but because of how well you manage to imprint your intention onto the page, via virtual ink. But, like I said before to you, it would be nice to see you challenge yourself to write something more vast in its scope. I liked it. The story was very dark in its meaning and end for us all, if that is going to be our fate.

Vote: Razah

[Nigma]

2000, Solid end rhymes in the opener paired with nice imagery. The mid and end had points were flow ended abruptly, smoother transitions would have enhance the read. Imagery mixed with storytelling was solid tho. Didn't really like your ending at all tho. I see what you tried to do but you really need to come more full circle to get away with it imo.

Razah, came out the gate vividly in a way the reflected the topic. Nothing fancy with your schemes but solid end rhymes and natural internals kept it moving. Unique angles at concepts, tears from the sky line for example, stayed fresh. Consistent throughout, no lines missed for me.


V/ Both came on topic and had a solid use of imagery. I felt Razahs was more vivid and enjoyable for me. Mechanics wise, 2000 was more flash at times but also choppy at other points. Razah was balanced and consistent. For these reasons and others that shall remain secret,

+1 Razah

[Inno]

Ribbit

Short and sweet. Liked this verse alot like j said one of your better showings.
You stumbled a couple times bit not enough to really hirt your piece. Thought you
Stuck to the topic very well through out but like i said you stumbled a bit
Here and there. If u would of wrote more you could developed the story enough
To let those mistakes pass by.

Razah

This was dope man. Thought your wnding was your best part. Once you revealed your
Angle it got much better. Felt like your beginning dragged just a bit for me. But like i said
Your ending picked up and really set the piece down in a rwally nice place. Well done.

Overall

I think ama go with razah in this one thought his piece had enough to take this
Reallly close bout tho. Ribbit is really coming into his own and i feel like hes sbout
To drop some srs ill shit. This week though razah showed up. Good battle fellas

Razah

[Adonis]

2K gets TKO'D 0-4

Razah awarded contender shot