Week 6: Objective vs. Ullr - (Ullr wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 6

Ullr Objective


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Choose your topic from the Topic Thread.

Good luck.

[Objective]

in

[Objective]

http://pre07.deviantart.net/056d/th/pre/i/2015/191/0/5/into_the_dark_by_xcetera-d90t29e.jpg

Broken and destroyed
the wasteland swallowed her.

Guided by the last bit of light of her dying spirit
she searches emptiness for hope.

Perhaps the answer is out there, somewhere,
among the unforgiving fog that shadows her future.

Perhaps she finds it before her mind's light dies,
perhaps she's destined to let darkness rule her existence.

If only she'd think about turning around for one second
and seen me following her path to darkness,
maybe then the fog would clear.
I have my doubts as her answers are final.

Her answers guided me to my own darkness;
with fog, sorrow and emptiness.
She doesn't know it but she can't let her light die.
It doesn't just guide her almost lost sanity,

it's the protector of mine as well.

[Ullr]

http://orig12.deviantart.net/2b48/f/2015/191/f/7/z_2015_07_06_img_8757_bearbeitet_by_vamosver-d90rfka.jpg

Torque and fuel. Spilling fumes.
The engines roar. the thrill consumes
of apex turns and bursts of speed
through sharp chicanes, the serpentine.
G forces acting impacting the driver in his cockpit
he feels the horses blasting, the track's afire as he rockets
with tires and friction
one wheel hits the rumble strip and barely slides from a collision.
The paddleshifter clicks as he prepares for a turn
down shift - pause, spin the wheel - tear it then swerve.
The squeal unreal, his heel to the curve
unflinching, steady with the steel of his nerve.
down the straight, - up - shifting again, the pedal floored
then settles forth as again braking - tremendous force
He sees his opportunity in a momentary lapse
behind the leading racer, steady til his bold and daring pass
a slight slip, his throttle too full, it was slow and barely holds the draft
just enough to shoot the gap and strip the gold from in his grasp.
Up shift, the wind shaking his visor, foot firmly buried in the pedal
tearing bits of metal, he cuts it shorter than he aimed, didn't see the core in his lane.
He scrapes the post - instantly starts blazing, flames and smoke
struck by his opponent - loss of control, spins across the track
he rolls up on the grass, his helmet striking the dirt
his neck swinging violently as it felt the bite of the earth

He lies unconscious as the inferno grows
officials race to rescue but it's worse than they'd hoped for
the fuselage lights and in a burst it's all over.
Shrapnel litters the adjacent pasture as fire engines race
to the paved grave of the crazy bastard
who strayed his aim in hopes of pacing faster.

[Dope girl]

Object came out nice and smooth through the whole verse, it flow very well lot of emotions and powerful words
U you came out with some fire and super line makes it strong.
I'd enjoy both I like u more
Vote urll

[2tripple0]

aye im also voting for ullr I think he came with a more structured piece whereas objective tried to go the poetical route.. I think it was alright and he did a nice job just didn't compare to ullr.... I really feel like ullr came with a dope concept I enjoyed the racecar idea and how the dude pushed his whip too far until it blew up in his face... that was a dope idea I think you've done well to convey your idea and it worked with the picture in the sense that the car had crashed on a race course.... I enjoyed this piece good work ullr

[Vulgar]

Objective - Your "writer's voice" is an issue, I feel, due to the repetitious use of words like 'emptiness' and 'darkness' which you mentioned in the beginning and at the end. When you use it once, the reader gets the point. I don't see why you can't go into other directions and show the versatility/increase the sense of depth and take the reader on a journey he or she hasn't been on prior. What I mean by writer's voice is by keeping the narrator open-ended; when you use 'her' as a reference it could very well be 'the woman' or any type of mysterious marker. I think this would give the overall move a boost in the more anonymous, intriguing direction, but that's just my opinion. All in all, cool.

Ullr - Good use of language and satisfactory rhyming. Your endings never disappoint since you know how to crescendo and then end on a high note. The take on the topic was nice, I could identify with your first four lines, taking the reader into a turbulent zone of racing, adrenaline and ever-present metal. Cool stuff.

My vote goes to Ullr.

[Adonis]

Ullr wrote about a race and crash. You have a deft touch in explaining images like a movie. From the race to the crash, but especially the fall and gore of helmet smashing and whiplash. I liked this verse a lot. This is a full work of art, beginning to end with zero flaws.

Objective Another very dope verse. This was much more somber then Ullr's. This just sounded like depression loud and clear. Reminds me cartoon I just saw with my daughters, 'inside out'. Not sure if the guy character is real, or it is just a part of the lost and depressed girl characters make up or mind.


This is BOTW easy, nothing comes close. I feel bad voting against one of you, because I believe these are the best verses of the week equally. One was way more fast paced and had action with clear images. the other was more poetical with disciplined writing on a high enough skill level to explain emotions with only words, this is no easy feat.

v/ Ullr

While I really enjoyed both, the pace of Ullr's is what gave him the slightest of edge

[Inno]

Great battle fellas.

I feel like objective came fucking dope this week. Ullr is starting to
Show his pedigree. Dude is a beast. To writers on the up clashing to bring
A definite battle of week choice. Top choice to. I liked ullrs language in this
I like his quick rhyming formatt. Made the read sp much smoother and interesting.
Objective wrote a tale while ullr wrote to a moment in my opinion, both great routes
To take. In the the end tho i think ama go with objective. I thought his storytelling
Was great and really kept my attention after multiple reads. Great battle foreal.

Objective

[UnbornBuddha]

This was a nice battle/

Objective: I do agree with another reader, that your continuous use of the language you used, kind of made it seem less mysterious. However, I still felt an eeriness while reading it, and have to say I did enjoy it. Although, I still felt you could have capitalized further on that feeling, and made it so that it goes deeper into the internal terrain of the reader, so it's more memorable, and the way you do so is by making the language here more pointing, gripping, and still maintaining the elusive factor you portrayed.

Ullr: I liked the story, very good at depicting this sequential point in time. One gripe that I do have is that, to me, poetry is not all that focused on multisyllabic patters. So, when I see your entry here, in this poetry league, it honestly reads more like a topical and less like poetry. I think in this league, you should focus less on rhyming, and more on metaphors and the like. On that note, I do feel that is one of your writings weak spots, it's not very metaphorical, and so it lacks the deeper meaning that metaphors and similar literary devices can provide. Now, you also have some very strong grasp on other areas, but in the realm of poetry, I feel like you need to mend your approach, so it's less like a lyrical verse, and more like poetry, keep in mind the realm of poetry is very vast, so I'm certain there's a poetic style that fits you well. This is just my opinion, of course.

Vote: Objective