Asylum 0-2 vs. 2Tripple0 0-3 [ASYLUM WINS 8-0]

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Full rules Here

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848

TOPIC:
http://i.imgur.com/77DkL3I.jpg




The Spirit


Movie Quote: What a fine detective. You followed the breadcrumbs right to us.


G/Luck 2tripple0 asylum

[asylum]

check

[2tripple0]

gotcha

[2tripple0]

Out on the lake we traveled distances to celebrate.
The ancient town ashamed to learn how snow melts in rain.
They paid for their shame and somehow time would entertain
those who remember how the intentions changed as of late.
Shallow graves where they buried the dead beneath the ground
that would shake its foundation when an oath was essential.
For its essential protection: call me its homecoming for the residential.

Anyhow the spirit grew withing the populace.
and like a disease the history of these people was erased.
History of such a matter teaches that there in its inflammation
God destroyed the heart by spotting there bodies like Dalmatians.
Until inside his wounds he found a way to resurrect his life.
With the intent to fight they pulled away from Gods text by night.
Even when dark as night there was no way of dealing with the pain.
The citizens decided it would be better to recreate the look in Gods face,
as shocked as he was, continued to find evidence within the lake.
And even as they agreed they were facing down the barrel of fate,
they said that's it this town wasn't ready to meet with its destiny
they said god had predetermined he had left them in heaven for eternity
and those who didn't get it weren't punished
but husband and wife together there until all over the city the fire perished

so make a decision quick
cause the waves about to slip
into the ocean or on the beach washed up
and their spirits taken hostage
until the detective found their crumbs
and was directed straight back to the ancient home
of those who lived beneath the sun
keep up with us who begin to salvage what is lost

[asylum]

THE SPIRIT
I opened one hand with an iris in it’s palm.
Taking in the greater scene and the worlds unending calm,
It saw through cliffs and mountains to valleys, hills, and oceans.
Our minds eye perceives each soul’s hidden devotion,
Each hint’s a notion,
It’s true scope seen most clear when our eyes aren’t even open,
Between the awkward pauses and hidden clauses, our motions guided true,
Without the slightest clue, our past lives guide us through an abyss our souls pursue.
That friend with his past eating him, living without reasoning,
Is energy incarnate put in harms place,
“It’s all on you.” No, it’s all in me..
Forged in a foundry, making the fountain of youth steam,
a byproduct of the world gorging on dreams,
We’re all fording it's torrent, absorbing the past’s poison,
Asking God to make our choices.
Begging the fog to leave it’s voices behind the shroud,
Reveal one’s true form as a wisp of dust in the wind,
every soul’s proud of it’s new born.
Travelling in it’s new form within aspen and pine, cedars and oak,
Through wolves, tigers, lions, and each volcanoes fiery smoke.
Taking hold in it’s black soil, ashes and acid rain,
Inside plastic, pollution, what’s the solution to the human spirits unending pain?
Rebirth. While our eyes see hurt, our souls have seen worse.
It’s between the two we align our minds to find our purpose,
And climb past the glass ceiling, without ever scratching it’s surface.

[Mr. J]

that would shake its foundation when an oath was essential.
For its essential protection: call me its homecoming for the residential.

Anyhow the spirit grew withing the populace.
and like a disease the history of these people was erased.
^^^^
This is my only gripe with the piece, it progressed nicely but this was blahhh
I know when writing it's hard to stray from words that you've already used
and I feel like it toys with the potency that you supply & draws you back a bit
it would be best to find a different word to rhyme & still explain what you want

With the intent to fight they pulled away from Gods text by night.
Even when dark as night there was no way of dealing with the pain.
The citizens decided it would be better to recreate the look in Gods face,
as shocked as he was, continued to find evidence within the lake.
^^^^
I thought this little section was smooth as glass though
really strung together nicely, the end of it didn't hit the multi rhyme people enjoy
but the way you pull this off makes the piece feel really...
idk...it's just good yo! you keep improving each time you drop...nice work

We’re all fording it's torrent, absorbing the past’s poison,
Asking God to make our choices.
Begging the fog to leave it’s voices behind the shroud,
Reveal one’s true form as a wisp of dust in the wind,
every soul’s proud of it’s new born.
Travelling in it’s new form within aspen and pine, cedars and oak,
Through wolves, tigers, lions, and each volcanoes fiery smoke.
Taking hold in it’s black soil, ashes and acid rain,
Inside plastic, pollution, what’s the solution to the human spirits unending pain?
^^^
I thought this whole section was pretty dope, you brought together a solid idea
the progression of the piece built up to a decent ending, I would have enjoyed a bigger bang
but this was still pretty dope, I'm not a big fan of centered text as I used to be
but this was clean regardless, you put a lot of description which makes it easier to paint the picture in my mind
really smooth work here

v/Asylum, I felt he delivered a well rounded verse that deserves to be read thoroughly
as for ribbit, he is improving with each verse that he drops and just gets better each drop
which is admirable, but I feel like he may need to spend more time reviewing his piece
chopping out what doesn't work and what does, he may benefit more from working it out
either way dope battle fella's

[Razah]

2000

"Shallow graves where they buried the dead beneath the ground
that would shake its foundation when an oath was essential.
For its essential protection: call me its homecoming for the residential."

Any particular reason why you had a that starting bar I quoted, and not having another to rhyme with it?

Anyways, the verse was decent. It kind of throws me off when you have a couplet that rhyme with a multi, and then the next few don't. What kept the 'flow' in this piece to me was the internal rhyming. That's always a nice touch. I feel like, maybe it's just me, but the best part of your writing is the story telling aspect. There's times I can imagine what you were saying, and it flows along smoothly into the next 'scene'.

You are getting better though. I hope your record doesn't discourage you, I feel like you have the most room to grow out of everybody here.

Asylum

"Between the awkward pauses and hidden clauses, our motions guided true,
Without the slightest clue, our past lives guide us through an abyss our souls pursue."

The internals, the rhyme scheme, even though 'souls' threw the last part of the multi off, this was pretty dope to me.

"Rebirth. While our eyes see hurt, our souls have seen worse.
It’s between the two we align our minds to find our purpose,
And climb past the glass ceiling, without ever scratching it’s surface."

That first line was slick. Simply, but effective. Nice way to end the verse.

Asylum's verse was put together well. I enjoyed the read, and I have no major critique on it. Good shit.

vAsylum

[Woke]

2k - Conceptually this verse is just dope. What I took away was you talking loosely about all spirits left in a purgatory type state and its residents trying to piece the puzzle back to good again. You murdered this topic brother. "how snow melts in the rain" solid imagery and different thought in general. I don't live where it snows so I had to think about it, and I can't lie, this kind of blew my mind here. I'm not one for god verses and all that jazz, I do write them once in awhile however, but i liked this verse through and through. I think it might be my favorite all the way back to your PR verses too. Still some grammatical error and choppy flow here and there, but all in all I can't complain because I enjoyed it, and after all, that is your main goal right?


psy - Fuck man, this is a super dope battle. Your verse is more revelation then anything. You had a very strong and effective use of inners as well. I thought you slaughtered that shit in particular. The imagery was solid, from the various scenery to opening a hand with the third eye, to that closer, that closer was slick as shit. This is one of my favorite verses from you ever, dating back to AOWL 2 I think? Maybe one. Either way, this verse was firing on all cylinders. Not overly preachy and you didn't fret or get snagged on a single thought, you kept clean pace while explaining shit in full, but not going overboard. Solid verse, potential verse of the season IMO


v/Asylum

I feel bad because I do believe 2k killed this topic, but psy just dropped a gem when he needed to and because of that secured my vote. closer then vote seems though.

[Split Eight]

I had Asylum. Much more solid connection to topic, more clarity in his writing and poetic but a bit overindulgent at times. 2tripple0 had a cool verse but I feel like his language wasn't as smooth or as refined, the story was okay but was hindered by your execution

[Ullr]

First, I want to say that this was a solid battle and both verses were interesting to read - both had creative elements and some solid description. Let's break it down:

2Tripple0: I appreciated the approach, it was direct and almost "fatherly" in an odd way, it was solid and your narrative direction really seemed strong but I think the key thing I found lacking in your piece for a topical was the presence of strong multis. Topicals are a step above and beyond the typical schemes in poetry and in fact the more intense your schemes the better a topical will read. I saw a few really solid attempts, for example:

so make a decision quick
cause the waves about to slip

This was so nearly a strong multi but just a slight falter means I can only connect 2 dots rather than the potential of 6 that were possible. What I mean is this - if I wanted to rhyme with something ridiculous with many syllables I would first decide what it is I want to say APPROXIMATELY. You should never be deadset on saying one thing or another unless you've got realy good reason to. Then, I would look at the rhyme phrase I want to make a multi for in a verse and sort of just pull a chunk out and try to rhyme it completely while still making perfect sense in the context of the story. If you can do this successfully (it gets more and more difficult the more syllables you add, mind you) then the act of putting together a verse actually becomes relatively easy.

Here's an example I'm going to spitball:

I woke up this morning feeling motivated, I strolled the pages, rippin' raps and rockin' roller bladin'

The main multi I was using there is obviously "motivated" only 3 syllables just because I wanted to make an example:

Motivated
Stroll the pages
Roller Bladin'

Notice how these all match up pretty well, perfection isn't always an achievable goal so just trust your instinct and if it works for you then roll with it.

I added in that "rippin' raps and rockin'" because it has two characteristics I liked, it has alliteration which makes transitions smoother but also turns into a word play in "rock and roll - er blading", just some silliness as an example.

This is the main thin I think you should aim to improve upon - once you master this you will see you will quickly improve and you will not only lead your narrative well with your voice which is already present but also "weave" lines more precisely because that is really what we're all doing at the top level, we're weaving lines between one another to create a flowing piece. We need to keep in mind every factor, every word and every sound and syllable. It's not easy but I believe in you.

Asylum: Sort of the opposite case here for you, I felt your rhymes were pretty solid, done well and the pacing was strong, I liked some of the long/short transitions but occasionally some were a little off, just re-read more crically to find those but overall really solid in that respect. I really appreciated the description and poetic nature of the piece, you did a really good job describing scenes and adding little details to make the read richer - that was perhaps your greatest strength. Now, as an inverse to your opponent I felt that your voice was a little less direct here, it felt a little less controlled a little more like it was pieced together - your voice is the cohesive glue that should bring it all together. I didn't think your voice was "bad", it was pretty decent; however, had it been stronger this would have been a really awesome piece to behold. Still, this was solid.

I think this was a pretty closely matched battle with both writers bringing their own unique strengths and weaknesses but in this case I felt the description and schemes of Asylum's piece slightly outweighed 2Tripple0's strong voice albeit that Asylum's piece felt a little disjointed and not as smooth and working in cohesion.

Solid battle.

V/ Asylum

[UnbornBuddha]

2tripple: Your narrative voice is becoming stronger, but you still suffer from basic grammatical mistakes, which makes your editing look careless. My suggestion is to buy a book on grammatical structure and learn the basic tenets. Another commentator suggested multisyllabic rhyming, but I think at this point that would hinder you. Mostly, because you still struggle with the tendency to rush things, I even see this in your other writing, votes and all that. I think to keep improving, you have to take writing seriously on all levels. Meaning, you have to proofread everything you write, from votes to messages/ email, whatever else you write, not just raps.The reason for this is because I regularly see your comments are problematic from a syntactic perspective, they are missing fundamental building blocks, or their order is so topsy-turvy that it almost reads like you scrawled. Which contributes to continual bad tendencies, even if you try to break free from them every once in a while, you have to bypass them on all levels, bit just when you write a topical.
I say this to you because you vie every week competing, and while you do it for fun probably, I notice a desire to improve. And you definitely are improving, but from what others say, you've been doing this for a long time. In comparison, and I disdain comparison, but will use it. In comparison, I've only been doing this for less than a year, and I've ascended up the ranks, I'm still honing myself and I'm still a fledgling, but I am improving relatively quickly. I want to see you do this too, I know you are capable of it because I see hints of brilliance all the time from you, but they become shrouded mostly because as you write further into your entries it seems in the process of advancement you confuse yourself.
Also, last week you criticized my piece for not rhyming like a line or two, and here you are doing the same thing. It simply points out your inconsistency which keeps you trapped in the constant of your novitiate garment. I want to see you win for once, for heaven's sake, you lost to Silver last week, which no offense, but her piece was indicative of someone greenhorn, a dilettante. You are putting in the practice, but you need to focus in the right way to make better headway in your path for improvement.

Asylum: Your feed going to be shorter, by the way. I don't have much to say, I enjoyed the piece, you had some wonderful writing, such as:
"Travelling in it’s new form within aspen and pine, cedars and oak,
Through wolves, tigers, lions, and each volcanoes fiery smoke.
Taking hold in it’s black soil, ashes and acid rain,

Those are some well-written lines. The topic itself was nothing too mind-blowing, but it still had a well-delivered intonation that carried forth the spirit drawn from cosmological inspiration. It had a very impersonal touch to it, which makes the narrative voice not only elusive but a bit sententious, which is something I've struggled myself with. Albeit, that voice has powerful implications it nevertheless carries a sense of redundancy, since it's continually trying to hammer in the same reverberation to the reader, even if the message is not the same, the way you convey it sometimes makes it appear the same because the intention is what becomes readily apparent, even if it wasn't your intention. This was also a good glimpse at what you capable of, which is nice to see. Keep testing the waters.

Thank you both

Vote: Asylum

[PancakeBrah]

Quick vote. 2triple0 had some decent lines here and there but he was repetitive with word usage and his grammar was off in spots. His approach to the topic seemed a bit half baked; his world needed some more fleshing out for me to really get engrossed. As it stands, it just seems like some faux-deep attempt. Asylum's approach to the topic was a bit more on point and his writing mechanics were stronger.

v/Asylum

[Nigma]

Didn't feel as though either one took a solid stab at the topic. Unless I'm missing something it was kinda off on either side. In saying that, I wasn't overly impressed 2k's performance. Not a whole lot of imagery, mechanics were fairly basic, no standout sections to me. Asylum had more substance, was technically superior, just felt like he had the stronger verse all round.

+1 Asylum