WEEK 7: sraL vs. Zelphish - (sraL wins via NS)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 7

sraL Zelphish


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Specific narrator week: Write from the perspective of a warrior.

Good luck.

[8===D~~~~(}:]

Check

[sral]

Let's go!

[sral]

I've locked horns with the best of them
defeated many come dawn.
Not by sheer strength but by intellect,
choosing brains over brawn.

I'm a muscular mini-beast
with an exo-skeletal crown
Fighting to become king of the heap,
top of the mound.

The most dangerous dung beetle,
a merchant of no-mercy.
With limbs that are long lethal
weapons, I fight dirty.

This terra firma my territory,
another push. Another shove.
A kingdom fitting my earthly needs,
built from the ground up.

Triumphant it towers til
that bastard fate intervenes,
and a rival surmounts the hill,
it's pincers clacking conceit.

Gypsofeila our arena
rich with yellows and reds
as we amble nearer and nearer
in a contest to the death.

Beady eyes beckon
a test of steely reserve
It's an entirety of seconds
before a victors emerged.

The flightier of feet
usurping me now
to become king of the heap,
on top of the mound.

I hadn't just lost to him
for I truly prefer
to insist that sometimes you win,
while sometimes you learn.

[Inno]

I knew u wrote poetry lol. This was dope and true to your skill
You wrote a dam near perfect poem as far as technical skill and
Overall grasp of the topic. Dope shit man foreal. Interesting you went
For a rhyming poems. Did you feel more comfortable with that style. Seeing
This is your first poetry battla? Curious. Anyway the only auggestion i can
Give you is, try not to be so rigid with your words. What mean is its ok
To go off on a tangent in poetry as long as u got the skills to do it right
You obviously do. Let those feels out son. This was a dope piece but it
Felt cold if u know what i mean. Hope u stay in. Thanks gor the read bro

[Objective]

I enjoyed the poem a lot for what it is - A straight forward tale of a warrior. The only thing I didn't like was the rather abrupt switch ups in flow/rhyming, I feel like your fourth stanza is the biggest offender here. I felt the switch up also kind of destroyed momentum towards the end and left me with a poorer impression than what I entered with after I had read the last verse. But that might be just me though so take it for what it's worth. Decent showing nonetheless though, I thought it was cool enough.

[Vulgar]

A technically proficient piece, I read this like something in a children's book about ant dynamics. The illustrations were simple and catered to a visual level. I think a step in the abstract direction would morph your pieces in a positive way when it comes to poetry. For rhymed verse, there are stricter parameters - especially for competition, but letting your imagination roam free and getting into the role of a warrior ant/dungbeetle even more.

This story was clever because there was a tricky difference between a dungbeetle's mound and an anthill mound. Both insects have natural places on top of their respective mounds, yet this poem explores and defines a quarrel over this vertical location.

Welcome to the league, stick with it.

[Woke]

Enjoyable verse. Good imagery but really good character build up. Not as Gorey as it could/should have been, but you were poetical enough. Also liked the shortened ABAB scheme, fits the bill here pretty well I feel. Eat a dick